We're back on the pavement outside once I complete my purchases. I've got some cheese in my bag along with the carrots. I don't buy things like cheese often, because they're not only expensive, but they're also high on salt and saturated fats. But Nee-san always says that my cheese sandwiches are delicious, so I gave in and ended up buying some because I want to make them for Ren too.

I can't say my mood has completely recovered. The anger faded quickly, but now I'm anxious. About my exams, my future, and about whether Ren will or will not be a part of it.

I certainly feel a little better though, now that it's just the two of us again. It's easy to push my concerns aside when I'm with Ren, put a blanket over them, pretend they're not there. I know that it's what's gotten me in this mess to begin with, that if I'd addressed all the issues that had presented themselves right away instead of ignoring them, I might have had some semblance of control left, but that still doesn't stop me from kicking my problems under the bus now.

"You seem a little pissy today," Ren says.

"Pissy?" I ask, confused.

He doesn't bother with an explanation. "Is it the stomach ache?" he asks instead. "Does it still hurt?" He then proceeds to glare at my stomach, like that will somehow scare the pain away.

I smile. "It's okay, I'm all better now." Have I been worrying him? I feel myself slump a little. "I'm sorry," I say quietly. "I know I haven't been very great company today."

Ren chooses to ignore my apology. Instead, he reaches into his pocket and takes out...a lollipop? "Here." I slowly pluck it from his fingers and stare at the label. Raspberry, it reads. "I know you like sweet things, so I got it for you," he mutters. I usually refrain from eating any sort of candy, because in my opinion, the taste isn't worth the sugar intake. I glance at Ren again, and my heart does a happy flutter in my chest. But I will eat this one, of course I will eat this one, because Ren got it for me.

I'm holding the grocery bag from Food World, so I'm not sure how to go about eating the lollipop with just one hand. I'm about to put it away for later, when Ren notices my predicament. He wordlessly takes the candy back from me, unwraps it, and plops it into my mouth.

"Shank you," I say, speaking around the lollipop, and this makes him laugh. I shove him lightly with my free hand, then immediately grab his arm again because he's laughing so hard now that he almost stumbles onto the street. "Shtop laughing!" I exclaim, but I'm laughing too.

When he finally catches his breath again, I decide not to speak anymore because I'm afraid he'll roll onto his back in the middle of the road and cause an accident. But it's all for nothing because when his eyes return to my face, the bulge in my cheek cracks him up again. I crack the rest of the lollipop open with my teeth and finish it quickly in protest, because I don't want him to tease me anymore. But my actions backfire, because the food coloring turns my lips and tongue a deep pink, and Ren bursts out laughing all over again.

"I am never going to eat a lollipop in front of you again," I declare.

"Too late," he says, grinning pleasantly. "I've already made up my mind to buy you one every day."

"Every day?"

"Every single day. Because you're..." He catches himself before he can finish his sentence, and shifts his gaze away from me, blushing.

"I'm...?" I probe.

"Nothing. I forgot what I was going to say."

"Ren, that is highly suspicious."

"Shut up."

"You can't start a sentence off like that and never finish it! The curiosity may as well kill me."

"What the fuck. You're not going to die because of that."

"You're mean."

He heaves an exasperated sigh. "Fine...I'll...I'll tell you some other day. Just not right now."

"Okay, as long as you're going to tell me eventually," I say smiling, and he grunts.

When we round a turn, the bus stop comes into view, and we're here just in time too because the bus is parked right in front of it. The doors might shut any second though, so I break into a run and cross the street, knowing that Ren will follow me. I don't stop when I'm on the other side. I grab onto the handles and climb into the bus, then turn around to see Ren appear at the entrance, flushed and confused, and hold my hand out to him. He grabs onto me and I haul him up the steps seconds before the doors close with a hiss.

"Akito. Fucking hell," he gasps, eyeing our surroundings with uncertainty. "You didn't tell me we'd be getting on a damn bus."

"Sorry," I say sheepishly. "I didn't plan on it, but I thought we'd get home faster this way." He's still got my hand in a tight grip, like he's afraid I'll take off again if he lets me go. "Sorry, there just wasn't any time to discuss it," I say, voice softer this time. When he notices that I'm looking at our joined hands, he quickly lets go and shoves his hands into his pockets. "Fine, whatever. Come on." I unconsciously rub the back of my hand to get some of the warmth back, and follow him deeper inside.

There are a few empty seats, but none right next to each other, so we find an empty place to stand and grab on to the hand holds overhead. Ren gazes out the window with something like wonder the entire time, as if he hasn't walked along these streets all his life. He's like a child who's never been on the bus before.

When the bus lurches to a stop, I lose my balance and tip dangerously to the side, before using both my hands to pull myself back up. Ren's lips tremble with suppressed laughter. Again.

"It's not nice to laugh at people so much," I say helplessly.

"I guess I'm not a nice person then," he smirks.

"I think I like you better when you're frowning all the time." It's a complete and utter lie.

He frowns immediately at this, and I can't help but smile. I guess I like him all the time.

"Hey," he says after a moment, the laughter gone from his voice. When I sense the seriousness in his tone, my smile drops. "Look, I..." he starts, then trails off, like he's searching for the right words and they haven't quite come to him yet. I press my eyebrows together and listen carefully, my heartbeat ever so sightly picking up. "You don't have to go out of your way to buy carrots for me. I mean, I'll eat anything," he tries. This isn't what I was expecting him to say, so I don't immediately know how to react. "What I'm saying is," he continues. "Vegetables taste good too, when you make them. So I'll eat anything...as long as you make it."

"Ah."

"Ah? Fucking say something more," he grumbles, embarrassed.

"You looked so serious, I thought you were going to tell me that you'd decided to drop out of school, or move away or something like that," I say, shaking my head.

He lifts his eyebrows, and his face slowly dissolves into that smirk again. "Is that your biggest fear?"

"...No." Yes. Possibly.

"Anyway, you get what I'm saying right?"

"Yes." I smile. "I'll keep that in mind."

He looks away. "Good."

We fall into a easy silence after that. People get on and get off the bus, and I think we'll arrive at our stop in another ten minutes, give or take. The idea is upsetting, because I wish we could stay here longer. In the bus like this, next to each other. I just want to stay with him. He can laugh at me every time I lose my balance and I won't mind.

I'd like it even better if the bus didn't move at all, because that would mean we'd never reach our stop and we'd never have to get off at all.

I suddenly feel very, very tired. I don't like having thoughts like these, because they're pointless. It's unreasonable to hope for the bus to stay in one place forever, because it's public property. The bus doesn't just belong to me and Ren. It belongs to everybody.

Ren snorts, and I look up to see what's caught his attention. I don't understand right away, so I ask, "What is it?"

"That woman is pissed because her husband isn't making sashimi for dinner," he answers gleefully. At this, I glance at the lady who's been loudly speaking into her phone this whole time, standing not too far away from us. She's wearing a business suit that's too broad over the shoulders, and by the looks of it, she's growing increasingly agitated. I'd worry that she overheard what Ren just said about her, except she's completely occupied, and looks like she doesn't care about anything except for the contents of her dinner table at the moment.

"Ren. Have you been eavesdropping?" I ask, feigning shock.

"The heck? You heard it too!"

Not until Ren pointed it out to me, I'd been too occupied with thinking about being trapped in a bus with him till then, but I'm not about to tell him that. "It's not good to...how do they say it, poke your nose into other people's business."

He scowls. "Are you implying that my nose is pointy?"

"Well, it is, isn't it?" I say honestly.

"Bastard, you're going to regret that."

"Do you have a complex about your pointy nose?" I tease.

"If you bring it up again, I'm going to stab you with it," he warns.

"That doesn't scare me," I say confidently. "It can't possibly be that shar-"

Ren attacks me before I manage to finish my sentence. He grabs my face in his hands and playfully pokes at my cheek with his nose. "Ouch," I joke, and his lips curve into a smile as he watches me closely. "I might have to do it again, if you're not careful."

"If you do, then I'll be forced to take my revenge," I fling back. "Your nose may be sharp as a knife but mine is like a boxing glove." At this, Ren bends his head forward so that our foreheads are almost touching, and bursts out laughing, and the sound is so pure and free and childish that it grabs hold of my heart and pulls the laughter right out of me too.

"Your face looks nice when you laugh," he tells me once we both calm down a little.

"Your face looks nice when you laugh too."

He makes an aha face. "So you don't like me better when I'm frowning after all."

I narrow my eyes at him. "You planned this, didn't you?"

"Nah," he starts, casually letting his gaze glide to the side, then abruptly drops his hands from my face and steps away from me. My eyebrows instantly press together, and I turn around to see what it is that made Ren let go so quickly. An old woman in a thick woolen sweater is seated to our far side, pleasantly smiling at us. I feel a little embarrassed now too, because I didn't think we were being watched. We'd been acting so silly.

When the woman realises she's caught our attention, she motions for us to approach her. I exchange a glance with Ren, and he shrugs, so I start towards her first, walking around the passengers standing in the way, and Ren follows me. When we stop before her, her smile grows, and she takes both my hands in hers. I attempt to smile back, but my heart feels heavy. Her touch is gentle. Tender. Nothing like Baa-san's crushing grip. But she reminds me of her anyway.

"You know, once you reach a certain age, it's only getting to watch kids like you laugh the way you do that makes life worth living," she says, her voice weak and wobbly but so sweet and full of love that it reminds me of flowers. Of Baa-san once more. "Child." She stretches her hand out, and when I lean closer, she gently pats my cheek. "If I tell you to always keep smiling this way, will you listen to me?"

I swallow, and nod.

Baa-san.

What am I doing? I think as I feel a crushing pain in my chest, the kind you experience after you return from a blissful holiday and reality comes crashing down on you. And it's stupid, because it's not like I've been on a vacation all this time either. I'd decided that I wasn't going to take any breaks. So what am I doing? I made a promise to Baa-san, and I swore that I was going to do whatever it takes to see it through, didn't I? If so, why am I here, laughing like I haven't got a care in the world?

Why am I like this?

What would Baa-san think, if she saw me now?

The woman then asks Ren for his hand, and he's stiff and awkward when he holds it out for her. She gives it a little squeeze, then puts it in mine and slowly folds my fingers around it. I suck in a breath. She keeps our clasped hands between hers, and regards us warmly. "Sometimes it will be hard to see it, but don't ever deny yourself your happiness. Not when it's right in front of you." The bus comes to a stop, making us unsteady on our feet, and Ren's grip on my hand tightens. "Nothing will ever be worth it."

She wishes us well, smiles at us one last time, and gets off the bus. We stay still before her vacated seat, hand in hand, long after the doors close. I glance at Ren, my heart screaming once more. He's looking down, lips pressed together, cheeks dusted pink and hand firmly in mine, and it strikes me, hard.

I'm going to have to let go first.

END OF CHAPTER