Thermal radiation travels in a straight line like Ren

My pencil stops moving because my brain tells me that something is out of place, so I sigh, go through my sentence again, scratch Ren's name out and replace it with light. I'm not sure how many times I've let myself absent-mindedly slip his name into my notes like this today, horrendously out of context.

I look up when I hear a loud cheer erupt in the baseball field, not far away from where I'm seated. Ordinarily, I'm quite good at tuning out the sounds from my surroundings, but today is different, because Ren is playing baseball out there too, and it's making me restless. It feels like if I look away from him for too long, I'm going to miss something, like every second I spend with my eyes on my book instead of on him is a second that's gone unproductive, even though it should really be the other way around.

I have no problem finding him in the crowd, and...is he laughing? Someone shouts something and the players scatter once again, assuming their positions. Ren's neighbor slaps him on the back in a friendly manner, and he neither barks at him nor swats his hand away. Instead, Ren says something to him and they nod at each other. I tear my eyes from the scene, and start to iron the pages of my book out with my hands when I see that I unconsciously crumpled them a little.

I know now, that coming outside to study was a bad idea. I told myself that the fresh air would sharpen my focus. I was wrong. Then again, I've been wrong about a lot of things lately, haven't I?

"Ichijo!" someone screams, and my gaze instantly flits back to the field. Ren is running, fast. He zips past one base, then another, while everyone else roars and cries words of encouragement. When he makes it to the home base before the opposition can, everybody whoops and howls and Ren does a little celebratory jump.

He looks like he's having so much fun. My stomach hurts, and it's worse than the ache I feel when I've eaten something bad.

This past week, I haven't had to be around Ren as much as I used to. He shows up to class late because he's got morning practice, and he returns to the field immediately after the school day ends too. They've got practice in the breaks as well, so I either eat my lunch with Rubi and Irina or head straight to the library. Sometimes, his teammates will come to his desk in between classes to talk strategy with him, so he doesn't try to start up conversations with me anymore.

All of this should be a good thing. I've always found it hard to study when he's near-by. Now that he's not anymore, I should take it as a chance, and use this extra time to it's fullest. No more distractions. But instead, all I can think about is how Ren isn't around me anymore, and how I wish he was around me, and how I wish he'd want to be around me as much as I want to be around him.

I slam my book shut. This doesn't make any sense. Ren is happy now. I no longer feel his turbulent emotions mirrored in my chest. It's nearly always quiet. So it should be peaceful. It should be convenient. I should be satisfied. I should finally be able to study like I want to. Instead, it hurts more than I ever remember it hurting.

I don't know what to do anymore. What do I do?

I stand up, and lock eyes with Ren across the field. He's looking at me. Or he may only be looking in this general direction. Except there's nothing else here. It's just me. I suck in a breath. He's about to raise his arm when I choose not to react and look away, taking ahold of my backpack and carefully putting my books back inside. The weight in my chest seems to get heavier. It's a bad idea to stay here any longer.

From the corners of my vision, I can see Ren coming this way, towards me, so I hurriedly start to leave, because I'm so conflicted already and I think seeing him up close now will just make it worse. But then he shouts it — "Akito!" in the most natural, everyday kind of way, like it's something he'd never need to pause to think about doing first, and the reins he's got over my heart drag me to a stop.

"Wait...up!" he huffs, bending over with his hands on his knees to catch his breath. He wipes the sweat from his forehead, and when he lifts his face he looks flushed and happy. It hurts. I've got it bad. So bad. I'm falling hard for him. I thought I had a plan. What was it again? I don't think this is how it was supposed to go.

"Going home?" he asks.

I can only manage a small nod.

"Can I...come with you?"

"W-What?" I squeak, because I'm shocked and unprepared for the question he just threw at me.

"I can't?"

"To...my house?" I ask for clarification, knocking my voice down a pitch this time.

"Yeah." He averts his eyes and fiddles with his earring. "Senpai hasn't stopped by lately, so I want to come say hi...I guess," he mutters, and there's that horrible downward pull in my stomach again. I think I was wrong about him having romantic feelings for my sister. I know that they've got the thread too, but Rubi said that a soulmate bond doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic one, and lately, they've just seemed like really good friends, nothing else. So how does it make sense for me to get jealous over this?

I take a shaky breath, and do my best to hold back the tears.

I didn't think things through well enough, did I? I let my guard down. Now everything is out of control. When all of this started, Ren and his loud presence had been the root cause of my problems, so it's somewhat understandable that I experienced some difficulty while handling all of it. But now, it's all me. The troublesome feelings in my chest, they're all mine. And there still isn't a thing I can do about them.

"Hey...you okay?" he asks, frowning.

"Stomach ache," I murmur, and glance at the players still running around in the field behind him. "What about practice?" I ask.

"Oh, I asked to leave early."

"Okay." I turn around. "Let's get going then."

"So, stomach ache huh?" he says breathlessly, catching up with my long strides to walk alongside me. "That fucking sucks. Is it bad?"

"Nothing I can't handle," I lie.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

We're walking along the sidewalk, passing shop after shop, side by side, but no words pass between us. It's a tense silence. I'm too shaken up to speak normally, and I think I've made him uncomfortable with my curt replies. What will I do if he wants to be around me even lesser after this? Maybe I should just let him get fedup with me. Wouldn't it be a good thing if he distances himself from me further?

I look at his face. He stops walking every now and then to kick a small pebble along the pavement, and I think about how, if we'd been holding hands, I'd have to stop everytime he did too. There has to be another way, right? A way I can keep walking next to him and still get what I want?

I stop in my tracks when my eyes land on Food World, all my worries momentarily forgotten as I pick my grocery list apart in my head. "Do you mind if we go in for a bit?" I ask Ren. "I have to buy carrots."

He looks up at the sign board. "Carrots," he repeats.

"It's the only vegetable you eat without complaint," I say with a little bit of humor in my voice, and step through the entrance.

Ren is quiet as he follows me inside.

I quickly survey my surroundings, and when I spot the vegetable aisle, I turn around to tell Ren to look around and see if there's anything else he wants while I get the carrots. But my words melt in my throat when I find that he's looking into my eyes, a deep blush coloring his cheeks. "We're here for me?" he murmurs softly.

"Well...yes," I breathe. Is that odd? I don't know. I'm panicking.

"Yeah?" He breaks eye contact to turn his head in the complete opposite direction, and laughs nervously, dragging his palm down his face. "O-Okay."

"Just...wait here, I'll be right back," I spout, and run away with stiff steps, my heart screaming from the suppressed agony, because god, he is so...breathe, Akito. It's trouble enough that my heart doesn't beat the way I want it to these days, but now I feel like my body is on the verge of betraying me too.

It's times like this that I wish Ren didn't always stride around wearing his innermost emotions like a hat, where you can see them all right on the top of his head, clear as day.

I grab a small basket from the stands and head straight for the carrots. I'm examining them for grooves, and putting the properly ripe ones into the basket when I hear a voice that creates an echo of familiarity in my chest.

"Akito...is that you?"

I grip the carrot in my hand tightly, and when I glance sideways, my first thought is that she looks like Nee-san. She's got the same eyes we do, and they're wide with surprise. It's unclear if it's the good kind or the bad kind. "Mother," I say somewhat flatly. It's been nine years since I've last seen her, but you don't ever really forget the face of your mother.

There's a little boy clinging to her legs, and I distantly register that he's got the same eyes too.

Mother puts down the capsicum in her hands and claps them together. "Oh how you've grown! I almost didn't recognise you! How old are you now?"

"Eighteen," I reply, all the embarrassment and elation I was left with from my previous interaction with Ren dissipating into a black and white numbness. It's strange, bumping into her like this after nearly a decade, in a grocery store of all places, but I don't give it much thought. I don't particularly feel happy or sad to see her. It's like I'm talking to a stranger.

I wonder, does a mother suddenly turn into a stranger once she decides to cut ties with her family? Regardless of how dire the circumstances are, is it even possible to go from mother to stranger?

Sometimes, I think.

"Eighteen! That means you're in your third year, yes? You'll be taking your entrance exams this year! Pretty big deal, isn't it? What universities are you applying for?"

"I've got a few in mind," I reply half-heartedly, thinking about how it's a little odd that she jumped straight to my university choices. Wouldn't it have been more appropriate to inquire into my well being first, in a situation like this? Or ask about how Pa—Father, and Nee-san are doing?

"Only the best, I'm sure."

I quickly grab a couple more carrots and toss them in the basket without bothering to examine their quality, then turn to face my mother and give her a small bow. "I should take my leave, I'm afraid my friend is waiting for me," I say, in an attempt to excuse myself. I'm not really interested in engaging in this conversation for much longer, and I don't think she is either, so there's no need for us to drag this out because of a meaningless obligation. I best be on my way.

I shoot one last, fleeting glance towards the little boy who's regarding me with large, curious eyes.

Mother's gaze wanders to where Ren is standing before a magazine stand, no doubt browsing through the little comic strips that he doesn't understand but reads anyway, and her face scrunches with distaste. She must have seen us come in together.

She fixes me with a look of worry. "Akito, it's a school night. You are going straight home after this, aren't you?"

I let my feelings get in the way a little bit, when I answer her. "With all due respect Mother, it is really none of your concern." I just don't like the way she looked at Ren.

She bites her lip, then lets her features soften in a smile before squatting to match the height of the small boy who's been stuck to her side this entire time. "Baby, why don't you go pick out a candy you like? Mama will be with you in a minute," she says sweetly, and the boy nods and skips away. She has no intention of introducing us, then.

She sighs and picks herself back up. "Akito, I'm telling you this as your mother. I think you should be wise about the people you choose to surround yourself with," she says, a serious look in her eyes. I frown. I can't believe this is truly happening. It's absurd that she thinks she can tell me who I should, or should not choose to spend my time with.

"Your father...he...he made that mistake. His friends were not good people, Akito," she continues, all the while shooting worrisome glances in Ren's direction. "They were irresponsible. They skipped classes, and idled their time away. Your father was not always like that, but they took him down with them. He could have become a better, more capable man if not for them. The friends you choose to make now may very well alter the course of your life. I don't think you should associate with someone like..." Another glance at Ren. "Do you understand?"

I was nine years old when my mother announced that she wanted to leave us because she needed a fresh start. When my father panicked and told her that he couldn't watch after two children on his own, Mother took me with her and left me with Baa-san instead. I don't begrudge her any of this. I have nothing but fond memories of my childhood with Baa-san, and I don't fault her for leaving my father because he brought that upon himself.

But I do not think it is okay for her to simply appear one day when she's been gone for the better part of my life, and tell me what is good for me and what isn't, when she doesn't know anything.

How do I even begin to make her see that the reason Ren doesn't wear a tie is because it takes him too long to get the knot right? That his hair is disheveled and choppy because he cuts it himself, that he's still sweaty and covered in mud because he knew that I'd have to wait for him if he went to change after practice, but he didn't want to make me do that because he knows that my time is valuable to me?

It just hurts that she would take one look at the boy I may be falling in love with, and assume that he's bad company, when she knows nothing about him, and nothing about me.

She places a tentative hand on my shoulder, and it takes every ounce of self control that I can muster to keep myself from violently shrugging it off. "I know that you don't have a reliable adult presence in your life right now, to offer you the advice you need. So I hope you'll carefully think about everything I told you today." Her eyes take on a look of sadness. "I just don't want to see you become like him."

I have to close my eyes, because I'm angry now. Because it's one thing when your greatest fear replays itself in your mind and plagues you day after day, but another thing entirely when you hear it from another person's mouth. It's hard to believe that she could even suggest that I might end up like him. It's insulting. Especially when I've directed all my efforts towards the exact opposite.

I do not need an adult presence in my life. I do not need any advice from anyone. I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself, and I'll make sure to acquire all the qualifications that I'll need to become someone capable enough to look after my family as well. I'll be prepared for anything.

"And if you ever feel like—"

"I'm sorry, could you...stop?" I say, face recoiling. Mother falters, confused. "I think I've heard enough."

I'm not proud of myself for losing my composure, but getting my mother to stop her ridiculous speech takes priority over handling the situation in a civil manner.

"But Akito—"

"I'll see you around, Mother." Or not, I think dryly, as I take my basket of carrots to the cash register and don't look back.

━━━━━━━ TBC ━━━━━━━