After Irina is done inspecting every corner of my room, including the underside of my bed (lord only knows what she hoped to find down there), she climbs on top of the mattress and motions for me to go over. I take a few discrete deep breaths to calm my raging heart, and move to sit beside her.

I'm debating placing a pillow between us when she shuffles closer and let's her head drop on my shoulder. I feel my body go rigid, and close my eyes, desperately muttering to myself that the warmth pressed against me and the pleasant weight on my shoulder is just another illusion. Not Irina, not Irina, not Irina.

Beside me, a happy sigh floats into the air.

Oh gods, Irina.

This doesn't mean anything, I think, trying hard to convince myself that I'm wrong. That I'm reading too much into everything. So what if Irina never touches anyone but me? There could be a number of reasons for that. Maybe I'm like a nice, warm body pillow. Maybe she doesn't see me as a person at all.

I shouldn't let myself get tricked into thinking I have a real chance. I shouldn't get swept away.

So I anchor myself in place by bringing up the one thing that will surely knock my mind off it's high horse. "So...if you don't mind me asking, how are things with you and S-Sayori?" I try my best to sound casual, but the image of Irina and Sayori sitting in a different bed, holding each other, just like this, but closer, that soft sigh filled to the brim with content, detonates in my mind. Soulmates.

Just like that, a wound I spent hours tending to, reopens and starts to bleed.

Irina sits up. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, are things good? Are you guys happy?" I say, my voice surer, my smile sturdier, as my heart steadily starts to grow numb from jealousy, despair and loneliness. "You two...look so good together you know. It's great that-"

"Stop."

I blink up at Irina, and my smile crumbles. She's moving away, a mixture of shock and pain in her eyes. "Stop talking, you're wrong."

"I'm...wrong?" That can't be.

"Are you an idiot? It's not like that with Sayori," she says, horrified.

"I..." It doesn't make any sense to me. "Why not?"

"Why..." She sighs, touching the bridge of her nose, visibly distressed. "Because I like you."

I like you. For a long minute, they are only three separate words. A bunch of syllabus strung together, making an unintelligible sound. My brain refuses to catch up, to attach meaning to them, and I just sit there, hurt and tired and confused.

"This is exactly why I was seeing Sayori in the first place," Irina huffs. "Remember how she told us she was doing a course on relationship counseling? I told her about you, about this, and she said I should try and be more forward with my feelings. That's what I've been trying to do this whole time," she continues, closely studying my face. "I was only meeting with her because I was looking for advice, because I wanted you to realise that I liked you on your own. I was trying to be subtle."

A laugh, a small bubble of happiness, tucked into a distant corner of my heart, floats out of me. Sudden and unexpected and flowery. "You call that subtle?" I ask between breaths, tears starting to form in my eyes. "Jeez Irina, you've been coming on so strong."

"Have I?" she asks, surprised.

"You have no idea."

"And you still thought I was dating Sayori."

My laughter dies down, and I shift uncomfortably. "I just..." A part of me did suspect I was special to her. It's not like Irina ever tried to hide it. But I never listened to that part of me. I hated that part of me. What kind of fool would I have to be to actually let myself believe something like that? And Sayori. Sayori is her soulmate. Was it really so strange then, to have assumed that their friendship had already blossomed into something more?

I can't tell her any of this, so I say, "She seemed interested in you."

"I doubt that's the case but even if it were, why would that mean we were together? You're the one I like. In fact, it's more than just like. I'm crazy about you, Rubi."

My face heats. I pull my legs closer and curl in on myself. "Stop it." I'm going to get carried away. If you say it like that, I'm going to start believing it's true. And then I'll really be that fool.

"I won't do anything that makes you uncomfortable," she says gently, sitting there, across from me, keeping her hands together on her lap, never touching me. "And I wouldn't have told you any of this if I didn't think that you like me too."

"Irina...I can't," I whisper, my voice tender, pleading.

"You don't like me?" she asks, always straightforward, always to the point. Never afraid.

If I say yes, I do, so much, so damn much, maybe I'll get to do all those things I dreamed I could do. Hold hands on the train, cuddle on my bed, go star-gazing. Just be with each other. Live out the winters in her warmth. I would be happy, wholly, undoubtedly.

But I can't say the same for Irina, can I? Someone like me can't keep her happy. Not in the long run. Nothing lasting can come out of this. Nothing memorable. Nothing beautiful. She might get so tired of me that she'd never want to see me again, and that would crush me. If I say no to her now, she might be upset for today. At most, tomorrow too. And then she'd move on, if not to Sayori, then to someone else, following the strings, following her heart, never afraid.

While everyone would be moving from person to person, soulmate to soulmate, uncovering connections, thriving in each other's presence, I'd be left behind, lost, stuck in the center of it all as a mere spectator.

But when someone is more dear to you than you are to yourself, you do what's best for them, no matter the consequences.

I can't tie her down, restrict her to me. I'd suffocate her.

"Irina, I'm sorry. I really can't."

She nods, sits back and wordlessly rolls my response around in her head. Then, she breathes, and looks me in the eye. "Can you tell me why?"

"I just...thank you for being honest about your feelings." I clench my fists, steeling myself for what might be the bravest and stupidest thing I've ever done. Rejecting Irina. "But I can't return them. I have my reasons, and I hope you understand." I wish things could be different.

"You didn't answer my question."

I blink. "What?"

"Your reasons. What are they?"

"I...I c-can't tell you," I stutter, because I wasn't prepared for this. I was hoping I could say what I did and Irina would simply think oh well, and leave it at that. I was wrong.

"Why not?"

"Maybe someday, but I'm n-not ready yet." The strings of fate are not, and will probably never be something I can talk about in the blink of an eye. Telling Akito was one thing. I barely knew him at the time, and the magnitude of his connection to Ren served as proof to back up my claims. Telling Irina won't be the same. I'd be lucky if she believed me, and even if she did, something like this will permanently change the way she's always looked at me.

And I don't know if I'll ever be ready for something like that.

"Alright then," she says casually, and swings her legs down one side of the bed, ready to stand up. "I'm sorry but until you tell me why you can't return my feelings, I'm not giving up on you."

Oh, no no no. "Irina, please-"

"It's only fair."

She gets to her feet and leans over, brushing my bangs out of the way and pecking me lightly on the forehead. I can't... "I'm going to leave for now. I don't want to miss the last train." She walks to the door, rests her hand on the knob, and looks at me one last time, her tight expression softening. "Good night Rubi."

I can't leave it like this. "Wait-"

Mom chooses that exact moment to walk in the room and bumps into Irina. When she notices her leaving, she begins to fuss over her and insists on dropping her off at the station. Irina agrees, and while I'm terrified of all the embarrassing things Mom is going to tell her on the ride over, I can't bring myself to go along right now. I have so much to process, and for the first time in my life, I want to be alone for real.

After Irina disappears down the stairs, Mom peeks in the room one last time. "Can I just say - she's quite the catch." She winks.

"Mom!" I screech, horrified, and hurl a pillow at her. She yelps and shuts the door in time for the pillow to knock against it with a dull thud. I wait silently for a minute, and then watch them leave through my window, Mom chatting away like always and Irina politely nodding along.

Once they're gone, I bury my face in my knees, finally allowing the thoughts surging in my mind to attack me, with all of their enormity. I sit there, alone and confused and happy.

Just a little...happy.

END OF CHAPTER