A/N: Trigger Warning- Cursing, transphobia, physical violence

Song: Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day

August 28

I should have known this would happen. I should have kept my mouth shut. I don't know why I thought they would understand or accept me.

I guess I should slow down and start over. Not that anyone would read this, but maybe it would help me to write out what actually happened. I don't know if that's how this works. This is the first time I've tried to keep a journal.

And now I'm rambling.

My name is Austin, and I'm sixteen years old. I live in a small town in Virginia, and next month I'm starting my junior year of high school at Canterbellum High. I was born a male, but sometimes I don't feel like a boy. Sometimes I feel like a girl, sometimes I feel like I am neither a boy or a girl, and sometimes I feel like I'm somewhere in between genders or none at all. After doing extensive research, I found out I wasn't the only one who felt like this. I have come to the conclusion that I am genderfluid, meaning that my gender changes from time to time. I've known this for a few months, but I've never told anyone. I was afraid no one I knew would understand or accept me.

Then today came.

I got tired of keeping my gender identity a secret. I wanted more than anything to have someone to talk to about this or at the very least, stop being misgendered all of the time. Even though I knew my friends probably wouldn't understand, I decided to text them to meet me at the park in order to tell them who I am. I don't know what I was thinking. This plan was doomed from the start.

I had arrived at the empty park before any of my friends. I sat down on a bench and tried to even out my breaths. Fainting from lack of oxygen wasn't going to help me. Then again, looking back now, I wish I had. Maybe I wouldn't have told them if I did. Maybe it would have saved me from the pain.

My friends showed up one after the other. First was Blake. Then came Xavier, Leonard, Kyle and his girlfriend Kelsey, and Christian. I had stood up and started to walk over to them when Blake rushed up to me and grabbed me by the shoulders. "Hey, man. Are you okay? Your text didn't say anything! I was really worried." He said.

I had taken a step back to look at everyone gathered around me. I tried for a smile, but I don't think I pulled it off very well. "I only said it was important. It's not life threatening."

"Well, what is it?" Christian asked.

"I... I think you should sit down," I said.

"It can't be that bad," Kyle buddy punched me on the shoulder. "I mean, it's not like you're trying to tell your mom you failed a grade, Leonard." He said Leonard's name as a fake cough to try and pretend to cover it up.

"Hey, at least now I'm in your graduation class," Leonard had shrugged indifferently.

"I'd actually rather say that then what I've got to say now," I mumbled, but Blake heard me.

"Dude, what's going on? Tell us what happened." He said gently.

"I... well... sometimes I don't feel like a boy," I said in a rush.

Everyone had went silent. Finally, Blake asked, "What is that supposed to mean? That doesn't make any sense."

"I... I sometimes feel like a boy, but sometimes I feel like a girl or nonbinary or that I don't even have a gender," I had said, blinking back tears. "I... I'm genderfluid."

This had been met with more silence. Then Xavier stepped forward with narrowed eyes. "What the hell is nonbinary and genderfluid?"

"Nonbinary is a gender or an umbrella term for genders outside of the male and female gender binary, and genderfluid means someone whose gender changes over time, like mine," I finished with a whisper.

"Are you talking about that liberal crap from the news? Austin, I thought I knew you better than this!" Blake's words are still ringing in my ears as I write this. His words stung me like nothing had before.

"You've got to be joking," Kelsey had said, popping her bubble gum as she talked.

"I'm not, I swear. I really feel like this." I tried to explain, but that only made them angrier.

"Look, Austin, you're not a girl. You're not some made up gender. We can help you through this, but you need to get this shit out of your head. We can fix this." Blake said.

"I'm not broken! I really am genderfluid!" I said.

"Gender isn't fluid. It can't change. That's absurd!" Christian said angrily.

"Yes, it can. It does for me." I said.

"If you aren't going to forget this bull shit, then we're leaving, and we'll make sure no one even goes near you. We can't let you spread this... whatever this is... around." Leonard said.

"It's not a fucking disease!" I shouted.

"I don't think he gets the point. He's too far gone. Let's go home." Kyle said while shaking his head.

They turned to leave, but out of desperation I ran forward and put my hand on Blake's shoulder. "Wait-"

"Don't fucking touch me!" He snarled, and the last thing I remember is them beating me until I lost consciousness.

When I had woken up, the sun was starting to set. I walked home, and I had to tell my mom that I got jumped and didn't remember who the attackers looked like in order to cover up why I looked like I had been ran over by a truck. I know my parents are transphobic, and telling them the truth would only make it worse. I took a shower before I pulled out my journal, and here I am now, writing in this stupid and useless thing. I have to go soon because dinner is almost ready, but that was the story of how I lost all of my friends. News travels fast in my town since it's so small, so by the time I go to school in September, no one will ever talk to me again if I'm lucky. If I'm not lucky, I'll be treated to another incident like today everyday. I just hope the news doesn't reach my parents.

I now feel more alone than I did before. At least before hand, I had the allusion that people liked me and cared for me because of who I am. Now I have no one. I know it's better not to have friends than to be friends with people who don't actually care about you and will stab you in the back when you try to be yourself because you'll end up hurting more when they do it repeatedly. I know they aren't real friends if they don't accept who you are, but I wish there was just one person out there. One person who I could talk to. One person who would actually accept and care about me and I them. I guess that's not going to happen here.

I wish I never told them about my gender. I should have known they wouldn't respect anything of the sort. Mom just called saying dinner's ready. I guess I have to go now.

~Austin