"What do you say? Would you devote yourself today? LIke riding out a sinking ship as it lowers into the bay."

Song: Valiant

Artist: The Spill Canvas

The ride home was quiet, the atmosphere of the car thick and overwhelming.  Now that the immediate danger was over, it seemed like the reality of what had happened was sinking in.  Jay had sobered up enough to drive, which was good because Harry seemed unable to relinquish his touch on me.  He had insisted on carrying me back to the car even though the doctor had said it was okay for me to walk on my leg. 

My back leaned against Harry’s chest as he held me to him in the backseat, his arms wrapped around my torso while his lips pressed into wherever he could reach.  He mumbled quiet words into my ear between pecks of his lips to my cheek, jaw, ear, neck, and hair.  His words were few and far between, though, and the overwhelming silence seemed to be drowning out his attempts to clear the tension. 

Ben and Miles had taken things even farther by actually throwing a brick through Harry’s window.  It was a barbaric move, something that seemed so wildly inappropriate and unreasonable that I couldn’t fathom how they’d come up with the idea in the first place.  I hadn’t heard of someone doing in about forty years, but for some reason they had chosen to resurrect the action and use it against us.  The sheer audacity alone was enough to unnerve me. 

Harry’s reaction to everything that had happened replayed over and over again in my mind.  The way he had thrown his body over mine showed clearly that his first instinct had been to protect me.  He had determinedly tried to keep me from harm, but despite his efforts I had been hurt anyway.  It wasn’t a serious injury and I already was feeling better, but I knew he wouldn’t see it that way; he would dwell over this, hating himself for letting Ben hurt me physically even if it was indirectly. 

I hated the thought of him dragging himself down like I knew he would; I could feel it in the way he held me now- he blamed himself for letting this happen even though it was absolutely not his fault.  I could feel it in his determination to carry me when it wasn’t necessary, in the way he had clung to me as he shifted me carefully into the back seat, and in the way his fingers never stopped their gentle movement across my skin as he tried to soothe me. 

Even though I was the one who had gotten hurt, I felt like it had done far more damage to him.  I felt the same compulsion to comfort him while he tried to comfort me that I had felt before; I needed him to understand it wasn’t his fault and that I was fine.  I needed to protect him from himself. 

No one said anything as Jay pulled into Harry’s driveway and parked.  He sighed heavily as he looked at us through the rearview mirror.  His expression was tired and he was clearly worn out from everything that happened.  It occurred to me that I didn’t really know how much Jay knew about our situation; I had never asked Harry what he’d shared with him, or if he’d shared anything at all, but it seemed like he had at least a small clue about what was going on. 

“Thanks for driving, Jay,” I said quietly when it became clear Harry wasn’t going to say anything.  His lips were currently pressed tightly against my shoulder and his grip on me was strong before he started to shift us forward to exit the vehicle. 

“No problem,” he said quietly, turning the car off after one last glance at us.  He climbed out of the driver’s seat to open the door for us.  I crawled gingerly forward, careful not to bump my newly stitched skin on anything despite the bandage that covered it.  Harry followed closely, scooting out of the car immediately after me.  As soon as my feet hit the pavement, Harry tried to pick me up again.

“I’m fine, Harry,” I said gently.  I could walk on my own and I didn’t want Harry to think he had to do everything for me.  He watched me closely, looking for signs of deceit but finding none.  He nodded slowly and pinched his lips together in agreement.

“You want help cleaning up?” Jay asked, interrupting our steady eye contact. 

“No, I’ll do it,” Harry said, glancing at him quickly before returning his gaze to me. 

“Okay, I’m gonna head home then,” he said quietly, backing away already as he moved toward his car.  He tossed Harry the keys to his own car before nodding at both of us.

“See you guys later.  Feel better Halle.”

“Bye, thanks again,” I returned.  Harry remained silent.  The night was dark around us as Harry peered at me intently.  “Come on, let’s go inside.”

He followed me closely, his hand hovering protectively on my lower back as he guided me toward the front door.  Once inside, he flicked the light on and sighed heavily.  Broken glass glittered against the wood floors, the shards scattered around reflecting the light he had turned on.  The gaping hole in the window whistled lightly as a soft breeze blew past it, and the dark of the night seemed menacing through the jagged break. 

“I’ll do that later,” Harry mumbled.  He kept his hand on my back as he steered me towards his room.  I knew all he wanted to do was curl up to me and hold me, but we had to talk about this.  I needed him to know it wasn’t his fault and how I was so thankful he hadn’t gotten hurt as well.  As much as I wanted to curl into his chest and let his body warm mine, I knew we had to talk. 

He shifted us into his room, his hand never leaving my back as if afraid I would fall down without him.  He watched me closely as I gave him a soft smile before tugging the now uneven leggings from my hips and grabbing the shorts I found on his floor to pull them on.  He followed my lead, pulling off his jeans and shirt before grabbing one of his sweatshirts for me to pull over my head after removing my own shirt.  Once we were dressed, or rather, undressed, he looped his arm around me and tugged me down to the bed with him.

We faced each other, one of his arms crooking beneath his head to support it while his other roped around my waist to pull me as close to him as possible.  My hands folded between us and rested against his bare chest while his leg gently worked its way between my own.  We were folded as close together as possible, yet I still felt the undying urge to have every inch of my skin against his.  The comfort that it gave me was something I’d never felt before Harry.  Our physical connection was so strong no matter if we were simply lying together or if we were in the middle of a heated embrace. 

I reached my fingers up to push the hair off his forehead, the soft strands sliding through my digits as I smoothed them back. 

“Thank you for taking care of me,” I said quietly, not sure how to start the conversation. 

“I’m so sorry, Hal,” he said back, ignoring my thanks.  I could see in the way his brows were pulled low and the tightness to his lips that he was unhappy.  Something else lingered there, too- fear.

“For what? None of this was your fault,” I told him firmly.  “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.”

“How?” he asked skeptically.

“Well it’s certainly more my fault than yours,” I said back.  “I’m the one with the psycho ex-boyfriend.”

He peered at me through the dim lighting.  The only light came from his alarm clock and the light that sifted under the crack of the door from the hallway light he’d forgotten to turn off. 

“But I should have done something about it a long time ago,” he said slowly, arguing internally with himself.  “I shouldn’t have let it go on this long.”

“Harry, there’s nothing you can do about it,” I said.  My own internal debate was raging within my skull.

Too many things had happened now and it was almost difficult to keep them straight.  I should have gone to the police when all this stalking and harassment had started, but it was too late now.  If I were to go now, surely the first thing Ben and Miles would say was that Harry was involved too.  I didn’t want Harry to get in trouble, especially now that he’d physically harmed both of them.   If I went to the police to bring Ben and Miles down now, Harry would go down with them.

Besides, even if I were to risk Harry getting in trouble and go to the police, Miles had made it perfectly clear that he had a large group of ‘loyal’ friends to take over.  I didn’t know any of their names and even if I did, there would be nothing I could say to get them in trouble anyway.  As far as I knew, they hadn’t done anything.  Yet.  It wasn’t even close to enough to solve my problem, and it became increasingly obvious that going to the police was a terrible option. 

And, deep down and perhaps most disturbingly, I knew Harry would never allow me to go to the cops.  He wanted to handle it himself, which was what I’d been afraid of all along.  It was like my penalty for inaction earlier was that this situation had come full circle.  Here I was, stuck and unable to go to the police without putting Harry and myself in even more danger, both from the law and from the mysterious group of friends.  This was my punishment for inaction- no matter what I did, the boy I loved so desperately was in danger. 

“I can figure something out, Hal.  This can’t keep happening,” he said, responding to my statement.  

“Harry, please,” I begged, my voice sounding suddenly weak and thin. “If you get hurt because of me I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“Halle I can’t keep letting them do this! You’ve already gotten hurt once and I refuse to let it happen again,” he said, his tone growing angry in his fierce protection of me. 

“I won’t get hurt again,” I said blindly, grasping at straws to deter him from whatever he was planning to do.

“You can’t know that,” he said tightly.  “And I refuse to sit by and wait for this to happen again.  I can’t let you get hurt.”

“Harry,” I pleaded, my voice strained yet slightly exasperated.  “I can’t let you get hurt, either.”

“I won’t,” he said stubbornly.

“You will! They outnumber you and you will get hurt if you try anything!”  I could feel tears threatening now, my frustration with his insistence of his invincibility getting to me.  Just as he wanted to protect me, I wanted to protect him and he didn’t seem to get that.

“Halle-“

“No, Harry, listen to me,” I said sharply, biting back the tears in determination.  “You say you don’t want me to get hurt but if you do something and get hurt, that will hurt me.  That is what I’m most afraid of.  Yeah, I’m not thrilled with the idea of them doing anything to me but I’m more afraid of something happening to you.  Not me, you.”

He looked at me closely, his expression intense and hard to read.  He absorbed what I’d said with a frown on his face, clearly not liking what he was hearing. 

“I can’t let them do anything to you or I’ll lose it, Hal,” he said slowly, his voice tense.  “You don’t understand what it does to me to see you hurt in any way.”

I blew out a heavy sigh, my frustration growing more and more by the second.  We seemed to be reaching an impasse, our determination to protect the other overriding our concern for ourselves.  He wanted to keep me out of harm just as much as I did him, and it was causing an rift between us.  He couldn’t protect me and keep himself safe while I couldn’t protect him and keep myself safe.  There was no win-win solution here.  

“That’s how I feel when you’re hurt, too.  You say it does things to you and that it hurts to see me that way so imagine it the other way around.  Seeing you hurt is more painful than anything they could ever do to me,” I said earnestly.  “I’d take a thousand cuts to the leg if it meant keeping you safe.”

His face tightened as I mentioned the cuts to the leg, the stress of what had just happened still fresh in his mind.  His arm unwound from my waist so his hand could reach up and cup my face.

“Halle, I love you but you’re insane,” he said quietly.  “If you think I’m going to let anything else happen to you just to keep myself safe, you’re crazy.  Besides, you don't know what will happen."

The tears I had been fighting to hold back burst forth, the salty liquid wetting my cheeks as they poured from my eyes.  A flood of emotions rushed through me- frustration, stubbornness, love, gratitude, fear, everything.  It was too much for me to process as I tried to focus on convincing Harry of my thought process.  We were both so intent on protecting the other that we couldn’t come to an agreement. 

“Well I’m not going to let you get hurt, either,” I said stubbornly, sniffing once as his thumb swiped across my cheek to gather the tears. 

“I won’t,” he said again.  I was so frustrated I felt like screaming.

“Harry!” I nearly shouted.  “Stop saying that, you can’t know that.  I know you don’t think anything serious can happen to you and I know that you would do anything in a second for me and I love you for that, but if you do something and something bad happens, I’ll never be able to forgive myself.  I love you too much to let you put yourself in a dangerous situation for me.”

My frustration was mirrored on his face and it was clear he felt everything I was saying but in the opposite respect. 

“So you know how I feel, then,” he responded tightly, his jaw clenching and unclenching before he continued.  “You feel exactly how I do, so how can you expect me to just sit by and wait for something worse to happen?  I won’t do that, Hal.”

“I just want you for once to give in to me, Harry.  Just once, do what I ask and don’t do anything,” I begged.  If he agreed to this, I swore to myself I would never ask him for anything again.  If he agreed to this, I would do anything he wanted because he would be safe. 

He stared at me in silence, mulling over my pleading words. 

“Please Harry, don’t go looking for a fight because you’ll find one and it can’t end well.”

He blinked, observing my face closely as he thought.  My heart felt like it was pounding a thousand miles an hour and I was sure it was about to burst through my ribcage.  My eyes never left his intense gaze as I waited for his response. 

“Hal, I can’t let it go,” he finally said.  My heart plummeted in my chest before shattering into a thousand pieces at the bottom of my stomach.  My jaw quivered as more tears took over, forcing their way down my cheeks as I struggled to pull in a full breath.  He wouldn’t agree.  He would look for a way to retaliate and end all of this despite being vastly outnumbered. 

I blinked as I remembered I had yet to tell him about the interaction with Miles and his crew of scary looking friends at the mall.  Miles’ threat not to tell Harry about it echoed in my brain, chilling me to my bones and scaring me even more.  As afraid as I was of Miles’ threat, I couldn’t help but think the information was the only thing that could maybe convince Harry to not pursue them.

“Harry, it’s not just Ben and Miles.  They have these big, scary looking friends and you’re outnumbered at least ten to one.  There’s no way anything will end well if you go after them, please don’t do anything,” I pleaded, rushing my words out in hopes to still his inevitable reaction when he realized I had seem them again. 

“Wait, how do you know about those guys?” he asked, blinking slowly before narrowing his eyes at me.  I took a deep breath.

“I saw them at the mall earlier today and Miles practically told me they’ll back them up for pretty much anything.  I’m so scared for you, Harry, I can’t let you do anything to put yourself in danger,” I said quickly.  The words rushed past my lips as I began to feel more and more panicked at the thought of Harry going up against at least ten guys.  His fight against one man had been enough to nearly give me a heart attack, so I couldn’t imagine how terrified I would be if he tried to do something against all of them. 

“And before you get mad,” I continued. “I was going to tell you but then when I got here Jay was over and then everything happened so… I’m telling you now.”

While it was true that I hadn’t actually made up my mind earlier if I should tell him or not because of Miles’ threat, I began to feel more and more that I would have told him regardless of what happened tonight.  We had gone through too many situations just like this where I had lied or resisted telling him, and I wouldn’t have wanted to do that again.  Just because the decision to tell him now had been out of pure desperation to keep him safe didn’t mean I wouldn’t have chosen to tell him anyway. 

“I’m not mad,” he said slowly.  “What did they say to you?  Those guys are dangerous, Hal.”

His voice was tight once again and his intense gaze never seemed to waver from mine.  His hand had fallen from my cheek to rest lightly over the side of my neck, but the light movements of his thumb had halted long ago as our conversation grew more and more intense. 

“I didn’t talk to them… just Miles.  He said basically what he’s said before… that they don't want us together,” I said truthfully.  I left out the blatant threat toward Harry because I was certain that would only encourage him to act even more.  “Wait, you know who I’m talking about? Those guys?”

“Yeah,” he admitted.  “Miles used to hang out with them a lot before he started to hang out with Jay and I.  Jay said a while ago that he saw Miles with them again.”

I tried not to feel angry at the fact that Harry hadn’t told me about this.  It felt like an unfair double standard- I had to tell him about everything that happened to me but he hadn’t bothered to tell me about Miles hanging out with this sketchy crew. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you already knew that?” I asked, focusing on keeping my tone even. 

“I didn’t want to scare you anymore,” he said instantly, as if it were obvious.  I sighed, letting go of my anger.  He was, as always, only trying to protect me. 

“So if they’re so dangerous, then you definitely can’t do anything,” I said, appealing to his logical side.  He watched me closely as his hand shifted gently up to the side of my face.  His fingers were careful as they shifted my hair out of my face, his actions stalling his response. 

“It’s so hard for me to agree with you when the thought of anything happening to you makes me physically sick,” he said quietly.  “There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you, Hal.”

My heart clenched tightly in my chest, his honest words making my heart glow and break all at the same time.  I knew, without a doubt, that he was telling the truth and that meant more to me than words could explain, but it also terrified me.  He would put himself in extreme danger for me just as I would for him.

“I love you so much,” I said softly, melting into his touch.  “I just want you to be safe.”

“I know you do,” he said.  “We’re both too stubborn for our own good.”

His words were gentle and honest, the soft touch of his fingers adding to the intensity of the conversation.  The words we had exchanged were so loaded with so many different emotions that it was difficult to separate them.

“We definitely are,” I agreed.  His eyes were focused on mine as he shifted closer to me, dropping his forehead to mine.  I could feel the soft caress of his breath on my face as I tried to calm my constantly pounding heart.  All I wanted was for him to promise he wouldn’t do anything, but he wouldn’t; he wouldn’t give me the peace of mind that he would be, relatively, safe. 

“I’m gonna keep you safe, Hal,” he whispered, his eyes burning into mine.  Tears pinched at my eyes for what felt like the hundredth time.  It seemed like no matter what I said, he was intent on acting for me, and the thought absolutely terrified me. 

“And I'll keep you safe, Harry,” I said quietly.  He sighed as he leaned forward to press his lips to mine gently, lingering there as he absorbed the feelings flooding between us, pausing our heavy conversation. 

This battle between us wasn’t going to be solved tonight, our determination and stubborn intensity stopping us from coming to an agreement.  He wouldn’t give in and neither would I, and this was far from over.  For now, we would settle in to each other and let the heat from our bodies flow between us.  For now, we were safe and we were together, even if both of us refused to indulge the other.

“I love you,” he whispered, his lips mumbling against mine as he pulled back just enough to speak.  Even now, in my frustration and determination, my heart thumped at his words. 

“I love you too, Harry.”

"When the sun goes down and the shadows grow, just trust in us and forever know... please keep holding on to me."

Sorry it's been so long since my last update! I've been incredibly busy with school and things so thank you for being patient! I hope you liked it and please remember to vote and comment if you did :)