TW for suicide and bad thoughts in general

I wish I could be good enough for someone, im so tired of freaking out over dumb shit, I wish I didn't exist tbh, it would be so much easier if I died, nobody would have to worry about me and i wouldn't be do scared all the time, i just wanna be able to live one fucking day without messing something up or crying or being scared or worried all the time, i just want someone to hug me and promise that everything will be okay even though I know nothing is gonna be okay, I'm so tired of forcing my feelings away because ive convinced myself that im just a fucking burden

I want someone to understand how sensitive I am to literally everything, somelne could word something or say something in a way that sounds critical of mad and ill freak out for hours without working up the courage to talk to them about it, when i do talk to people about the way it makes me feel they'll always say they won't do it again but they always will even though it hurts me

i just want a hug man, i just want someone to comfort me and tell me that its okay, not just "you'll be fine" and moving on, i know it's probably stupid and selfish but that's all i want

why does everything have to suck so fucking much, why can't I feel better, i just wanna be happy, i just wanna make everyone i love happy, that's all I care about anymore, im scared everyone i love will leave me just like everyone else

on top of all of this, ive gotten to the point where i hate my body more than anything, i hate my face, i hate my voice, i hate my chest and legs, i wish i wasn't so fucking fat, i wish i could look masculine for once and be happy with my way i look, i wanna be able to be accepted by my parents for being trans but no, I'm "influenced by the people i see on youtube and google", way to make your child feel better about his identity

maybe ill stop complaining and just do it, it's so easy, there's so much medicine in my house that can kill me, just a few pills and ill be dead