tw - sh, not wanting to live

im so close to hurting myself rn it's not even funny, I feel so worthless and pathetic and just tired of living rn, I hate myself so fucking much, I hate the way I look and talk and act and I'm just so sick of existing, I hate my body do fucking much, I look so feminine and I hate it

I hate how fucking worked up or jealous or upset I get over the dumbest things, I never bring them up bc I know they're stupid and other people think they are too, I've gotten to the point where I hate bringing up stuff or listening to a certain song bc it brings up stuff I hate thinking about because it scares me so much

I'm honestly fucking terrified that people are gonna leave me, everyone deserves better than me anyways, I'm fucking pathetic, everyone would be better without me or with someone they can actually be with irl

I don't feel like myself anymore. I haven't felt like myself in months, I keep growing distant from everyone because I don't trust anyone anymore, there's only 2 or 3 people I'm okay with talking to about my problems and even then I hide stuff I feel like is stupid or stuff I should've gotten over ages ago

I just want someone to actually talk to me and tell me it's okay to feel this way about stuff even though it's fucking stupid, I just want someone to know about the way I feel but at the same time I refuse to bring anything up because I'm so scared they're gonna think I'm just a dumb, jealous, stupid fuck

I'm fucking pathetic aren't i