Im always messing everything up. I'm always hurting the ones that I love. And when I throw away my emotions away repeatedly to try to help others I feel like they just hate me and want me dead in response. I'm a mess up who can't keep a friend for the fucking life of me. I can't tell if I hate them or not and it scares me. And I also don't want to address those feelings or talk it out with them because I'm terrified they'll manipulate all of my friends to hate me again. I'm scared to talk to them or even be near them at times because I just worry that they hate me and that I'm always better dead than alive. I don't want history to repeat itself again to I hide my emotions the best I can, yet I always fucking fail and mess up. I want to talk it out with them but I can't or else I'll just anger them and convince them to leave me for good. And the worse part is, that I can't tell if that would be for the better or not. I want to care but part of me wants to hurt them the same ways they hurt me, make them feel the pain they've made me feel, ignore them so they know what it's like to always wonder if your closest friend hates you and would rather you be dead, and I hate how I'm temped to do it because of what they've put me through. I don't want to lose them but I'm way to tempted to ignore them, give them the same glares they give me at times, act like I don't care they exist because that's what they do to me, and I hate myself for that. I hate how my way of coping now is to hurt people the same way they hurt me. I want them to suffer the same way I have, and I want to vent to them about that but I know if I do history will repeat again and I'll be alone with everyone hating me. I want them to question if I hate them, I want them to hate themselves for what they did to me and I want to rip my brain to shreds because of that. I want them to feel what I feel all the god damn time and i want to kill myself becuase of those fucking thoughts. The thoughts of them hating me are only getting more and more and more frequent, it used to be every few weeks or so to now I genuinely question if they hate my more than 5 times a day. I want to be friends with them but I'm to scared to talk out my feeling with them if fear they'll turn on me again and make everyone hate me. I don't want to be alone again but at this point I feel like it would be for the better. I feel like I'm just more use to the world dead than I'll ever be alive.