"How'd you know this place, though?"

I spoke when neither of us said anything. Noong pagbalik niya sa tabi ko ay hindi na siya nagsalita pa. Tahimik lang akong kumakain at siya naman ay nakatingin lang sa kawalan, malalim ang iniisip. Hindi ko naman magawang magsalita dahil wala akong masabi sa kaniya.

Kanina ay umalis siya saglit noong tinanong niya ako kung gusto ko ba ng makakain habang pinagmamasdan ang tanawin. Pumayag agad ako at umalis din naman siya kaagad para bumili.

Habang um-o-order siya ay iniisip ko kung bakit niya pa rin suot-suot iyong hikaw. Iyon ang unang hikaw niya noong ginawa niya iyong dare ko... Pangalawa na iyon sa natupad niyang pangako sa akin.

"Google," he uttered.

I smiled a bit. "I know what has changed in you because of time."

His eyes questioned as he turned to face me. "Hmm?"

"You're being quiet now, you used to be talkative." I laughed softly.

He just smiled a little. "Sort of. But I think... things changed people, not time, right?"

I just nodded. What he said made me pause. "Right, I-I forgot you already told me that," I mumbled. I just never know what to say around you. Making me say nonsense things. Maybe... I just really like talking to you.

I took a deep breath.

Well, I don't think I'll deny it either anymore. He's right, things changed people. What would have happened and who would I be today if I hadn't gone through the things that wounded and hurt me? If those things didn't happen to me, and if they hadn't done that to me, would I be different?

"I don't like the business world. I really don't want to be part of marketing director." He looked at me. "I hate the people inside... all of them. This is not what I want, to work just for money."

"I thought that's what everyone wanted. You're different," he said with a smile.

"If only that thing didn't happen to me, I know that I would be a Nurse. I've always wanted that, I work for people in need."

"I know." Nilingon ko siya at nakita siyang nakatingala na naman doon sa tinawag niyang Starry. When I looked up at that too, I suddenly felt sad... I was praying to that star that those things would not have happened to me... I hope it fulfilled Gino's wish to keep me safe and watch over me.

"Can I still have that dream, or is it too late?" I asked him.

He looked deeply into my eyes. "It's up to you... Is that too late for you?"

I looked away and nodded. "Hmm... siguro."

"Maybe... nothing's ever too late. There's always an opportunity and there's always a chance, and it's up to you whether you take it or mourn it."

I looked up at the sky and pondered what he had said. He's right, we never lose hope or the opportunity to achieve our dreams in life. There is always an opportunity waiting for us. The chance is huge, but it is up to us to decide whether we take it or not.

Maybe it's because of my age that I lost the courage to follow my dream of becoming a Nurse... I've always thought and considered that it's not right for me to become a Nurse due to it, or why should I waste my time if the one who gives me life is just right in front of me? I have it now.

But I was wrong. In my few years in the business industry, I have been successful in life, but I couldn't have done it without the people who helped me... I said before that I would find my strength on my own, but I still depended on them in the end.

I'm unhappy. Something is missing. I succeeded in that it was not me who filled it, but other people. And this is not what I want. Now that I can live alone, will I waste the opportunity to get what I want by myself? I've been questioning myself for years, but I now see what I'm missing...

"I want to be a Nurse... I will be a Registered Nurse," sabi ko habang naglalakad na kami palabas nitong restaurant.

Muli niya akong nilingon, tiningnan niya ako direkta sa mga mata ko. "Well, doing beautiful things is rewarded with the beauty they bring into the world. So I know you can, and you will."

Napanguso naman ako at tiningnan siya nang maigi, seryoso lang ang mukha niya pero paunti-unti ay gumuhit ang ngiti sa labi niya hanggang sa lumawak ito noong makita niya akong nginitian din siya pabalik.

"Your dad's dream for you to become a CPA... did you make it?"

He smiled faintly. "No."

Tumango na lang ako at hindi na nagsalita tungkol doon. Saka ko lang naalala na hindi niya pala natuloy iyon... He stopped his studies without my knowledge at sa ibang tao ko pa iyon nalaman.

"How about 'yong pangarap mo na maging writer? Kumusta 'yong nobela mo? Did you pursue it?"

Huminto siya sa paglalakad at napahinto rin ako. Nagtataka ko siyang nilingon. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin kaya pinagtaasan ko siya ng kilay, nagtatanong ang mga mata ko. Ibinulsa niya ang mga kamay niya sabay na ngumiti at tumango.

I'm not sure why, but my face lit up. "Talaga?! Pwede ko ba mabasa?!"

"It's the same as what I wanted you to read before."

Ang tinutukoy niya ay iyong nobelang ginawa niya na wala pang title. Iyon din ang araw na sinagot ko siya at iyon din ang araw na hindi niya pa natatapos ang nobelang ginagawa niya... Magpahanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin niya ba natatapos iyon?

He told me then that he had scrapped many novels because he always wondered if they were fine or not. He wrote a ton of it, but sadly, he just discarded it because he wasn't satisfied. If you think about it, that's a waste... a lot of time and effort was wasted.

Sana sa pagkakataong ito ay magtagumpay na siya... I hope this time that the novel he made today will give him satisfaction. Iyon lang naman ang hangad niya, at sa ilang taon ang lumipas... panigurado akong natapos niya na 'to ng malinis at maganda.

"The one with no title, right? Kumusta? Natapos mo na ba?" I felt relieved when I saw him smiling brightly.

"I haven't finished it yet, but I'm almost there. I have also found the plot." I noticed in his voice that it seemed to have life. Although I could not understand why he suddenly reacted this way, I was happy to hear him sound alive and vibrant again... even if it was just now.

"I'd like to read it... Can I?" I asked, and I heard him giggle. Namumula ang magkabilang tainga niya.

"Hmm..." He nodded. "I'll ensure you're the first person to read it."

"My dearest brother!" My eyes widened when I heard that familiar voice.

I gulped hard and forced myself to look at that person straight in his eyes. I was underprepared for who I would see when I turned to face him. Si Kuya Yvan, his arm was wrapped around Althea's waist. Nakita ko ang reaksyon niya nang makita ako, pareho kaming gulat.

But as her eyes turned to the person I was with, it appeared that she was even more surprised and confused. She may be questioning why I am with the person she claims is harassing her, and I'm aware of that... I'm well aware that her accusation was a complete lie!

"How's my dearest brother?" Pagsasalita ni Kuya Yvan habang nasa katabi ko nakatingin ang mga mata niya. I was caught off guard when he approached us. "I haven't seen you for a long time!"

Naramdaman ko sa tabi ko si Gino at nakita ko na lang na magalang niyang hinarap si Kuya Yvan. Lumapit siya rito, at napakuyom ang mga kamao ko noong inabutan niya ito ng kamay... wala siyang kaalam-alam kung sino ang taong nasa harapan niya. Kuya Yvan grinned at Gino and extended his hand for a handshake.

"Gino po." Inosenteng pagpapakilala ng lalaki matapos makipagkamayan. Kilala ko siya, sa tuwing may kamag-anak o kaibigan ako na nakakasalubong niya ay aabutan niya 'to ng kamay at makikipag-usap ng kaswal... at gagawin niya iyon kahit pa sa harapan ni Althea.

I saw Althea's face that approached Kuya Yvan's ear, whispering something. Ang mga mata niya ay na kay Gino lang habang may binubulong siya. Kahit ibulong niya pa iyon ay alam ko na agad kung ano iyon... she was reporting a lie.

I want to voice something but I'm afraid I'll burst into tears. Hinawakan ko ang kamay ni Gino at nagtataka pa siya kung bakit ko siya biglang hinila palayo. Noong makalagpas kami ay mabilis akong natigilan noong hinigit ni Kuya Yvan ang braso ko paharap sa kaniya.

Tumawa siya, hindi makapaniwala ang tono. "Where're you going? Kakakita pa lang natin, aalis na kayo agad?"

"Shawn?" sambit ni Gino sa pangalan ko.

Kinolekta ko ang sarili ko, pinilit ko kahit kaunti na lang ay sasabog na ako. Agad kong binitawan ang kamay ni Gino noong nanginginig na ang kamay ko. Napalingon siya sa akin, napansin niya iyon. After a bit, I felt his hand softly clasp mine and him assure me that everything was fine.

"We still need... n-need to get someplace. Nagmamadali na rin kami." I stammered before I let go of Gino's hand.

Napangisi si Kuya Yvan at tatango-tango habang nakatingin sa aming dalawa ni Gino. Napaiwas ako ng tingin noong nilapitan niya ako. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin, tingin na alam ko na agad kung ano ang nasa isipan niya... alam kong pinapatay na niya ako.

He stared at Gino first, then at me, from head to foot. "Your boyfriend?" mahinang tanong niya at umiling agad ako. Narinig ko siyang tumawa ng sarkastiko at kung dalawa lang kami rito paniguradong nakatanggap na ako ng suntok. Naramdaman ko ang mahina niyang suntok sa sikmura ko, sunod-sunod iyon at unti-unting lumalakas. "Do you think you can fool me, huh?"

I damn want to hurt him, but I can't! I feel  like my bones are shaking and I can feel the corner of my eyes heating up. Wala akong magawa! Hindi ko rin maigalaw ng tama ang katawan ko, para akong nilamon ng takot at nagpaubaya na lang.

He brought his mouth close to my ear and whispered while still punching my stomach. Binulong niya sa akin na may atraso ako sa kaniya at ang taong nasa likuran ko. Ilang sandali pa ay bigla akong napaatras noong hinila ako ni Gino. Napunta ako sa likuran niya at hinarap niya ang dalawa.

He bowed quickly. "I'm sorry. We're leaving now. Nice to meet you po."

"Uhm, okay. Yvan, my name." Nginitian niya si Gino na parang walang nangyari! "Ingat kayo!"

Naramdaman ko ang akbay ni Gino at inalalayan niya ako sa paglabas. Noong makalayo na kami ay binilisan ko ang lakad ko palayo at doon na nagsimulang maglaglagan ang mga luha ko, hindi ko rin mapigilang mapahagulgol. Tuloy-tuloy lang ako sa paglalakad at hindi na inalala ang taong nakasunod sa akin.

Noong nasa lamp post na ako ay napahawak ako roon. Nanginginig ang dibdib ko habang humihikbi. Pinipilit ko ang sarili ko na huwag umiyak dahil ayokong ipakita iyon sa kaniya... Ayokong makita niya ako sa ganoong sitwasyon.

I turned to look at him, and when I saw the worry in his eyes, I broke down in tears. Umiyak ako nang umiyak, umiyak ako nang maingay. Hindi ko na mapigilan. When he saw me like that, I could tell he was troubled in mind. Hinawakan niya ang laylayan ng damit ko at inangat iyon... his eyes examined the state of my stomach.

He bit his lower lip as he held something back. "Does it hurt?" he asked after lowering the hem of my shirt, and when I didn't respond and just cried, I saw him pulling me into his arms. He gently caressed my head.

I was sobbing in his chest as I was experiencing this range of emotions I had no choice but to cry. His embrace became tighter... and there, he made me feel that I was not alone. No words are spoken, but his actions go beyond words.

"Salamat," I said when I got off his motorbike.

He was willing to drop me off right here, at my house. He hopped off and came toward me. I immediately handed him the helmet I was wearing. His eyes were still like that as he looked at me, worried. 

He smiled a little and nodded. "You should rest."

"Hmm," patangong sambit ko.

We eventually ran out of things to say and ceased speaking. While thinking about what to say to him, I just bit my lower lip. I wanted to thank him for not leaving me, but I couldn't say it out of my mouth... it was suddenly glued.

"Goodnight," he said.

I looked up at him and tried to smile. "G-Goodnight."

"Don't dream... just have a peaceful sleep." I stared at him when he said that.

He smiled at me a little again then he turned around to get on his motorbike. Noong namaniobra na niya ang motor niya ay doon ako kumuha ng lakas ng loob. I put my hands in my pockets to calm myself down.

"Thank you!" sabi ko at napalingon siya sa akin.

Napagmasdan ko ang reaksyon niya, nakatingin lang siya sa akin na parang iniisip ang sinabi ko. Maya-maya pa ay nasa sahig na nakatingin ang mga mata niya bago niya ako muling tiningnan at ngitian ng tipid. Tumango lang siya saglit bago umalis.

Napasunod ako ng tingin sa kaniya habang papalayo na siya palabas ng village. I waited for him to leave before I entered the house. Pagod na pagod akong napabuntong-hininga habang naglalakad papasok sa loob ng bahay. Noong mabuksan ko ang pinto ay natuon ang pansin ko sa lalaking nakaupo roon sa sofa.

"Prince?" When I called his name, he quickly stood up.

"Uhm... h-hi, Yshawn." He smiled at me.

"What brought you here? May nangyari ba?" Maghahating-gabi na.

He shook his head. "Nothing. I just came here to invite you for dinner... but it's fine," sabi niya. Magsasalita pa lang sana ako ng idadahilan. "Naisipan kong paglutuan ka na lang so... it's on the table, I've already prepared them."

I looked at the dining room for a moment and turned to him. "Thank you. We'll have dinner you prepared after I take a shower. Okay lang ba?"

Despite the fact that I could no longer eat and felt as though my energy was running out, I still accepted his invitation. Ngumiti ako ng pilit at naglakad na paakyat sa kwarto pero agad akong napalingon sa kaniya noong tinawag niya ako. Muli akong napababa at nilapitan siya. 

He scratched his forehead and smiled faintly. "I'm sorry I can't accompany you tonight."

"Hmm?" I uttered confusedly.

"Gab just messaged me, and I have to leave now. I have something urgent to do at the company. I'm sorry," he said while holding his phone.

"Yeah, yeah sure. You don't have to think about me. Go now," I said, and he moved closer to kiss me on the cheek before leaving. "Ingat."

Noong naglalakad ako paakyat sa kwarto ay agad kong binagsak ang katawan ko sa kama. I can't tell if it's my body that's heavy or my chest... I don't know. Iniisip ko ang mga nangyari habang nasa kisame ang mga mata, hindi ko mapigilang mag-isip kahit pigang-pigang na ang utak ko. Hanggang sa hindi ko namalayang nakatulog ako.

Pagkabangon ko ay dumiretso kaagad ako sa kusina. Paulit-ulit pa akong nagmumura sa ere habang umiiyak. Nang marating ang kusina ay nangingig pa ang mga kamay ko noong kinuha ko ang gamot at nilulon. I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly several times till I felt better.

"Fuck," I whispered a curse and leaned against the fridge before cupping my face.

Pumasok ako sa trabaho na may ngiti sa labi, binati ang mga empleyado, nakipag-usap sa mga client, at humarap sa board of directors. Nagawa ko pang sumama sa labas para sumabay sa lunch kasama sina Ate Carra. I did those even though I didn't have enough strength... I had no choice.

The next day, as I was checking my reflection in the mirror, Prince called me to meet him at the restaurant where we used to go. I took a deep breath before pushing myself to smile... I can't understand myself these days... I seem to be lost again.

These past few days, I kept myself busy to distract myself from the despairing thoughts that plague me whenever I'm alone at home. I did everything I could to divert my attention... But nothing has changed... The weight is still on my chest, living.

"When do you plan to begin the construction?" tanong sa akin ni Prince pagkalapag na pagkalapag noong mga order sa harapan namin.

"We're just estimating the construction funds and other costs. Maybe we can start after we have fixed... everything," sabi ko naman.

"Okay, I see. I can't wait for the outcomes. But, of course, I know your business will thrive, Yshawn. I'm confident." Malawak ang ngiti niya.

"Thank you." Mine was the opposite, I weakly smiled back at him. Good thing he didn't notice that. Pagkatapos naming pag-usapan ang bagay na iyon ay nagsimula na kaming kumain. May gusto akong sabihin sa kaniya pero hindi ako makabwelo dahil nasa phone nakatuon ang pansin niya. Noong maibaba niya iyon ay klinaro ko ang lalamunan ko.  "Uhm, Prince."

"Hmm?" sambit niya. Napatingin ako bigla sa ibaba nang maisip ang posibleng sasabihin niya. Noong mag-angat ako ng tingin ay ngumiti siya sa akin kasabay ng pagtaas ng mga kilay niya. "Just say it, Yshawn."

"Uh... about our plan... after we go to the beach, we'll go hiking. Can we... prepare what to bring, tomorrow?"

"Oh..." Bumilog ang bibig niya at halata pa ang pagkagulat niya nang sabihin ko iyon. Sa reaksyon niya pa lang ay tama ang iniisip ko na hindi na naman matutuloy iyon. "Yeah, right... You mentioned that to me. Oh my god I'm sorry, Yshawn, I forgot."

"Okay lang... no problem." I shook my head.

"Uhm... About that..." Ngumiti siya ng malabnaw. He eventually bit his lower lip and washed his face out of self-disappointment. "I hope you can forgive me, Yshawn... I hope..."

"Prince, ayos lang." I pretended to laugh and let him know that everything was fine. In fact, I have already prepared for that, I even prepared things that we will take to the beach... Ang kulang na lang sana ay iyong mga gamit pang-hike. "I'm fine... I understand. Chill. There's still a day to come for that."

Napasandal siya sa backrest noong upuan at huminga nang malalim. "My schedule has been loaded up. I'm so sorry... Next year, let's do that. I promise."

"Hmm..." I nodded. "Next year."

"Thank you." He gave me that smile again.

Prince was a workaholic. What was the reason? This is because he was determined to make up for his parents. He once told me that he doesn't like his parents' world, ngunit hindi naman iyon naging dahilan para magkulang ang mga ito sa kaniya... He said that they can still make time for him, but he avoids them.

Napalayo ang loob niya sa mga magulang niya dahil pinili niya iyon, hindi ang mga magulang niya. He didn't understand what his parents' affection meant to him because he was getting what he wanted, the material things. Until he thought that he no longer needed his parents to be happy as a child, or son.

Contrary to where children should be experiencing more memorable moments of life, he was early aware of materialistic things. His parents even made an effort to take him to parks and places, and countries... But he always refused. Childhood experiences are important... But he chose not to.

When he grew up, that's when he felt the change... He didn't have the old days when he could do what he wanted just by himself... And that's when he realized being alone was terrifying. His parents always encouraged him to engage in business... They wished him the same thing until they died. And now, Prince is doing everything he can to make it happen... To lessen the regret he feels.

"Do you want me to accompany you tomorrow to your Psychologist?" tanong niya sa akin noong maihinto na niya ang kotse sa tapat ng bahay.

Umiling kaagad ako. "Hindi na. Kaya ko naman. Just think about your company's priorities."

Ngumiti lang siya at binuksan ko na rin ang pinto ng kotse. Pagkalabas ko ay nagpaalam ako sa kaniya at noong pagsara ko ng pinto ay natigilan ako noong bumukas iyong bintana. Dumungaw siya roon para makita ako.

"This is only temporary, Yshawn. After this... babawi ako sa 'yo, okay?" His eyes were sad, gustong-gusto talaga makabawi.

"Hmm." Tumango ako.

Pumasok na ako sa loob ng bahay at nang pagbukas ko ng pinto ng kwarto ay nakita ko ang mga gamit na hinanda ko roon sa tabi ng wardrobe. Dalawang maleta iyon at iyong tent na binili ko. Kaya ko tinanong si Prince na tumingin ng mga gamit pang-hike dahil mali ang nabili kong tent, wala naman akong alam sa mga ganito.

I dropped my bag on the table and pulled out those two suitcases. I put it on the bed and sighed as I faced them. I was so excited that we could finally go to the destination that we had planned, kung kaya ay napaaga rin ang pag-aasikaso ko. Hindi ko naman inaasahan na ma-po-postpone na naman pala iyon.

Kinuha ko na lang ang mga laman niyon at isa-isang inilabas para ibalik ulit sa wardrobe. When I got the clothes and things out, I saw that I had brought some shirts for him. I expected him to not be able to take care of himself so I did. Mabigat ang paghinga ko at itinapon na lang ang sarili sa kama dahilan para magsikalat ang mga gamit.

Ganoon lang ginawa ko buong araw, nakahiga at walang gana sa lahat hanggang sa hindi ko na namalayan ang oras at araw na naman ng pasok sa trabaho. Pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko ay sigaw kaagad ang bumungad sa akin. Isa sa empleyado ay hindi na-meet ang quota at nawalan pa siya ng ilang kliyente.

"Look at their faces! Can you see their despair just because of your stupidity?!" He held out his hand to point at all of us... All the employees here stood with their heads bowed.

"I-I'm sorry, Sir! I'm really sorry!" Neo said, almost crying.

"You just robbed their hope! Idiot!"

After that long, long verbal abuse, he will leave as if there is no broken emotion, confidence, or hope he says. Agad na bumalik ang mga empleyado sa kaniya-kaniya nilang trabaho at si Neo, hinila siya ni Thiago palabas ng opisina.

Sumunod na araw ay nagiging madalas ang alingaw-ngaw ng sigaw sa opisina at parating si Neo ang nakakatanggap noon. Ginawa ko ang makakaya ko na bigyan siya ng abiso, kinausap siya ng maingat at mahinahon dahil iyon lang naman ang maitutulong ko sa kaniya.

The following day, the situation is still the same. Work, meetings, yelling, and swearing. It goes on forever. It feels like my body is withering... I'm so damn worn out. I feel like work is the way I live... This is what living means.

As the day passes, I begin to feel something I shouldn't feel. While scrolling through my social media, the place that Gino and I went to, suddenly appeared in my feed. Looking at these photos immediately brought back some memories.

Dumapa ako sa kama at hinanap kaagad ang number niya sa phone ko. Nang makita ay tinap ko iyon at nagtipa ng i-te-text sa kaniya. Noong ma-type ko na ang sasabihin ko ay binura ko rin iyon kaagad saka muling nagtipa ng ibang i-me-message. Hanggang sa hindi ko na na lang ginawa!

I couldn't quit thinking about him at and after work. Wherever I go, I can't help but to think of him, too. My thoughts on him became more deep as I drank heavily. At sa biyahe ay ganoon pa rin... hindi ko pa rin maiwasan. Nakita ko na lang ang sarili ko na nagmamaneho papunta kila Bea. 

As soon as I saw her in the kitchen, I approached her. "I miss him!" I shouted.

*****