"If you give a man a match, he's warm for a minute, if you set him on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life."

"If I fight, I might step on a butterfly. That would be sad." 

"yall playin checkers while im here playin romantic 4D Chess"

"NO FIGHTING!, I say, lunging over the bus seat to strangle a man."

"It's not flirting if you're already dating."

"I'm gonna get mugged when we go to New York, the only hat I have is a Red Sox hat!"
"It's okay, we'll be there to help you, right?"
"Yeah, we'll call 911 after watching you get destroyed!"

"You heard the teacher, no mutilation!, I say, holding a man at pencil point."

"If I wasn't Christian I would consider converting to Pastafarianism."

"If we're gonna be lab partners, you aren't squeamish are you?"
"Not one bit!"
...
"THIS IS THE GROSSEST THING I'VE EVER DONE I WANT TO THROW UP."

"How long can one man play Terarria without noticing me? 4 hours apparently."

"What's the first thing you think of when you think of FFA?"
"Food."

"WOW WHAT A HOTTIE"

" 'Swords can't kill people!' THINK AGAIN!"

"Swords are legal!"