you are out of my league, all the things i believed.
____________
dan
kissing phil lester was cool.

it was kind of minty and fresh and filled me up with gentle waves rather than soggy still water.

his mouth moved slightly off mine, my hand on his cheek as if to stop him from leaving.

"phil.." my voice was breathy, out of oxygen from the way my heart wanted to distribute blood to every last fingertip.

"sorry–i–i'm sorry, i didn't mean–"

i lapped up his pointless apologies as i pressed my lips to his again.

"shut the entire shit up." i whispered against his minty mouth.

giggles were shared in the little space between our lips.

"i should be getting home, my mum will be worried." phil said quietly as he pulled away between little kisses.

there was a moment of silence, just eye contact and my hand holding onto his shirt.

"phil what did we just do?" a small smile filled my face.

"i don't know..did you enjoy it?" his head hung slightly as a blush attached itself to his cheekbones.

"..yeah, i did," i whispered, "but what are we now?"

he smiled bashfully up at me and shrugged, gently lifting me and setting me beside him on the bed as he stood.

"gotta go, i'll text you." he smiled.

i watched him push his socked feet back into his shoes that were left at my door, his hand moving to turn the door knob.

"wait!" my tone was urgent and phil froze when he heard it.

i jumped up off the bed and scrambled to him, grabbing his shoulders and pulling him down to place one last kiss on his lovely face in a rush of confidence.

his hands found my hips as i reached up on my toes so he didn't have to strain his back so much to reach down to my height.

"bye." i whispered as i gently pulled away, our lips slightly sticking together.

he smiled widely and left, closing my door behind him.

i sighed as i slid down the door, my cheeks red and a nice smile on my face.

that's when i heard voices from downstairs, jolting up to press my ear against the wood.

i could see my mums parked car in the driveway in my peripherals.

"shit." i whispered to myself, giggling slightly at how phils voice seemed an octave lower.

then a door closed and phil got in his car and drove away, i was too busy focusing on his car that when my mum opened the door i jumped.

"why was there a cute boy in your room daniel?" she raised an eyebrow, she obviously wasn't mad (she rarely was) but rather excited for me.

"no reason." i smiled mischievously.

"oh my god please don't tell me you had sex." she raised her eyebrows in mock shock.

"mum! no!" i giggled.

"is he more than a friend?"

"i don't know."

"well whatever he is, don't let him break your heart."

phil

the next morning i rushed to pull on some nice clothes, opting for glasses rather than contacts and my jumpy hands rather than a comb.

i was down the stairs, kissing my mothers cheek and rushing out the door in a matter of moments.

waiting at the bus stop for dan howell was achingly slow. i couldn't wait to taste– see him.

dans eyes were on his white vans as he strolled towards the bus stop, a pink sweater and some black skinny jeans aiding my eyes.

when he looked up i could see his lips spread slightly and his eyes flutter shut as his face turned downwards once again, this time with a red tint to it.

"you okay?" i said slowly, taking a step towards him.

he looked up at my worried tone, his eyebrows furrowing cutely for a moment as if he was trying to work something out.

"oh– was it yesterday? did i make you uncomfortable? i promise i won't try anything like that if you're uncomfortable with it–"

"shut uppppp." he groaned, rolling his eyes.

a cheeky smile lifted his cheeks.

"i told you, i liked it." he shrugged, blood running to both our faces.

"cool." i whispered, turning to face the road.

i could see him do the same only a second after me, our arms brushing as he did so.

my long fingers reached out to grip his small ones.

he smiled and squeezed my cold hand.

and all i can think is how dan howell is really cool.
______________
do you ever start to fall into a depressive episode and you're just like 'i can't wait to feel good again' cause like me too, anyway enjoy this trash that is kinda really disgusting and should never be read.