That was supposed to be my place.
- ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🏐་༘࿐ -

"Siraulo ka."

I earned another exasperated comment from Shade after I bumped into her in the hallway the next morning.

Ang daming nangyari sa akin ngayong araw, sa totoo lang. And I was starting to fray at the edges because of the decisions I'd made in the past few hours.

Una, tinakbuhan ko iyong kasama niyang binalak akong dalhin sa club. Pangalawa, nagsinungaling ako sa isang officer nang tanungin niya ako kung bakit hindi pa ako nagpapasa ng form sa Photojourn. Ang sabi ko sa kaniya, sa Literature Club ako nagpasa. And when they started reviewing the list, I took the opportunity to slip away. Lastly, Ms. Bob Cut tried calling my number, so I mimicked a granny's voice and tricked her into thinking she had dialed the wrong number.

I had a bad feeling yesterday, considering how persistent she had been in bringing up my club membership. Hindi nga ako nagkamali. Lalo na at nagawa niya ngang utusan ang mga alipores niya para lang mapaharap ako sa kaniya.

Buong araw, wala akong ginawa kundi takasan ang mga taong gustong ipasok ako sa club nila at habulin ang mga club na natipuhan ko namang salihan pero walang planong gawin akong miyembro.

Typical human irony, leaving the things that wanted us and chasing after the ones that never did.

Kanina pa ako tinatawanan ni Shade. Nanghihingi pa nga siya ng tips kung paano niya rin daw matatakasan ang president ng club nila gaya ng ginawa ko. And since she was on my side, Shade dragged me onto the grassy field, skipping her duties once again just to hide me from her persistent clubmates.

"I'll make this clear to you, Clarinet. Mandatory ang club. You can't just keep that form of yours forever. Hahanapin at hahanapin 'yan ng adviser n'yo. Worst case, you might actually lose bigger merits this time," she said, handing me her G-Tech pen after filling in my information.

Ang naiwan na lang sa form ay kung anong club ang gusto kong piliin. But I still hadn't decided what to choose.

Ewan. Kung makapagsalita kasi siya, para niya lang akong pinapapili ng ballpen sa loob ng Penshoppe.

"Ano, gusto mo bang ako na lang din ang magdesisyon para sa'yo?"

Nang inakma niyang lagyan ng marka ang Photojourn, agad kong binawi ang form. Sa makailang beses kong paghila sa papel, nagkandayupi na iyon. Kulang na nga lang gawin ko iyong scratch paper para sa Gen Math namin.

"Isang club lang naman ang alam mo," I snorted, earning a deadpan look from her.

Shade lectured me one last time before gathering her things. "I know you're old enough to make a decision of your own. Give yourself a better choice this time."

And I did.

Hindi na rin ako nagtagal sa field. I visited the clubs on my list and went from one booth to another, talking to officers and asking if they still had any available slots.
Most of them were already full. May ilan namang mapalad na nakapasok kahit lampas na sa inaasahang bilang ang kanilang membership. I even tried my luck, pulling the same strings they did, but I think my bottle of lucky dust was already running low.

Dahil kahit isa, walang pumabor sa akin.
Ito na yata ang kabayaran sa sunod-sunod kong swerte, isang senaryong punong-puno ng kamalasan.

Great.

"Almost all of the lists have already been handed to the admins. Why haven't you submitted yours?"

My homeroom teacher greeted me with a question the moment I stepped into her office.

Nakaupo lang ako sa monoblock, walang planong salubungin ang titig niya. Alam ko rin naman kung ano ang susunod niyang sasabihin. Ipagpipilitan niya na naman akong sumali sa Photojourn, katulad ng iba. I understood what she meant. That was supposed to be my place. However, I couldn't take the same risk again.

Mabubuhay muna si Louis-Jacques-Mandé Daguerre bago ako pumayag.

"Wala bang ibang option, Ma'am Flor?" mahinang tanong ko, dahilan para muli na naman siyang mapabuntong-hininga.
Marahan niyang kinamot ang namumuting buhok bago tuluyang ibinaba ang hawak na ballpen sa mesa.

"Pinagbasehan ko ang records mo, Clarinet. Nasa camera ang hilig mo, hija. Alangan namang isabak kita sa kahit saang club na taliwas sa gusto mo?" pangangaral niya. "Don't waste your two years joining a club that doesn't help you grow. Sayang ang mga libreng seminars at workshops kung hindi mahahasa ang galing mo. You only have limited time to explore this hobby of yours before pursuing college. Alam mo iyon, 'di ba?"

I looked down at my hands, my fingers hovering over the familiar buttons of the camera I was holding.

Alam na ng mga kamay ko kung saan sila dapat pumuwesto. Alam na rin ng puso ko kung saan ako mas sumasaya. Utak ko lang talaga ang nag-iisang magulo.

I was a fool for photography. Everyone knew that. Saints, I couldn't even hide my love for capturing moments.

Gustong-gusto ko ang pakiramdam na nasa likod ng camera. Being able to freeze a moment that spoke more than words ever could was addicting. People often forgot the little details, the fleeting expressions, and the things they wished they could hold on to a little longer.
Maybe that was why cameras were made in the first place: to preserve the exact shape of a moment before time could take it away.

Pero kahit gano'n, hindi ko kayang bumalik sa club. Hindi ko kayang ipagpalit ang sarili kong katahimikan para lamang sa club na iyon. I'm good just as I am these days. Mas naging maayos ang lahat matapos ko silang talikuran.

Kaya bakit ako babalik?

With my shoulders slumped and a forced smile on my face, I answered, "I understand."

Ma'am Flor handed me the form before giving me a warm smile. Nang makalabas ako ng opisina, hinayaan ko na lang ang sarili kong malunod sa ingay ng mga estudyanteng nakakasalubong ko. Marahan akong napapikit at kumuha ng ilang segundong pahinga.

Habang sila, abala nang inaasikaso ang mga bagong mundong pinili nilang pasukin, nandito pa rin ako sa gitna, walang ideya kung aling daan ang tatahakin.

I made my way through the familiar corridors I passed almost every day. Bitbit ang camera, muli kong tiningnan ang mga litratong hindi ko pa nabubura. I took note of the places I had once visited just to capture stories, and as ridiculous as it might have seemed, I found myself retracing my steps.

From the garden where the famous wedding booth had been set up last February, I spotted a couple quietly holding hands at the side of the tent. Isa sila sa mga nakunan ko. Tanda ko pa na pareho silang may suot na paper rings. They couldn't even bring themselves to line up because the registration fee was way too expensive.

Nang magawi ako sa field, huminto ako sa gawing gitna. I stood exactly at the spot where I took my very first assignment. Pumasok sa ala-ala ko ang pinakaunang beses na natutunan ko kung paano kumuha ng emosyon sa isang litrato.

I visited a few more places around campus until I eventually found myself standing in front of a familiar court.

The volleyball team's court.

Iyong kaparehong court na madalas kong boluntaryuhing i-cover. Iyong eksaktong lugar kung saan ko unang naramdaman na doon ako nabibilang.

That court had witnessed how I came alive, not just through passion but through my heart. It had seen me chase moments, capture victories, and find stories in the spaces between every serve and every point. And at the same time, it had become my last stop before I decided to quit.

Mula sa labas, dinig na dinig ko ang pamilyar na tunog ng bola. Malinaw sa magkabila kong tainga ang malalakas na palad na tumatama rito. Naririnig ko rin ang paminsan-minsang sigaw ng mga manlalaro, na sinasabayan ng mga sapatos na dumudulas sa sahig.

Every sound was familiar. So familiar that it felt like their rhythmic noises were gently calling me closer.

My hands gripped the strap of my bag even tighter as I made my way toward the door. Sumisilip ang liwanag mula sa siwang nito, sapat para mahagip ng tingin ko ang mga aninong hindi mapakali sa loob.

Ito iyon. Ito iyong kuwentong gustong-gusto kong panoorin.

"Gusto mo bang mag-tryout?" Mabilis akong napalingon nang may magsalita sa likod ko.

A man wearing a neat white-and-gold uniform stood a few steps away. Nakatago ang dalawang kamay niya sa likod, at may maliit siyang ngiti nang salubungin ang tingin ko. Nang magawi ang tingin ko sa suot niyang ID ay saka pa ako napaayos ng tayo. He was one of the youngest instructors in the school, an alumnus of the volleyball team, and now their current coach.

"Hindi po ako player," mabilis kong sagot, sabay iling.

His gaze briefly dropped to the camera hanging from my hand before returning to my face.

"You can have a better view inside the court. Pasok ka."

Lumapit siya sa pinto sabay hinawakan ang magkabilang hawakan. Ngunit bago pa niya iyon hinila para buksan, muli niya akong nilingon. He doesn't seem to be urging me to come with him, it was more like he was trying to show me what's behind that metallic door.

As he pushed the door open, golden light spilled across the court and welcomed my eyes. And for a moment, I hesitated.
Hindi ako kaagad nakakilos. Naiwan ang mga paa kong nakadikit sa parehong aspalto, pinag-iisipang maigi kung hahakbang ba ako palapit o hindi. One step was all it would take to cross the threshold. One step, and I would be standing in the place I had spent an entire year trying to forget.

Wala sa wisyo akong nanlabi. People usually made excuses when faced with situations like this. So why was I still standing here?

Despite knowing what this decision might cost me, sa huli pinili ko pa ring ihakbang ang paa ko palapit. At nang tuluyan kong maramdaman ang pamilyar na init mula sa ginintuang liwanag, iyon ang unang beses na hindi ako tumalikod.