Chapter 60

The phrase "I love you" only consists of three words, yet why do some people have a hard time saying it? Is it because she or he is still hesitant? Or she or he is just so.. afraid.

I always believe that actions are better than words, so when Miguel acted like he had feelings for me before; I easily fell for it. But as I grew more, I realized that I also needed some words too. We, people, tend to be so confusing most of the time. We can't read minds. We can't discern intentions. We can't comprehend if someone is being true or not. So to have better and assured relationships with others, we should express our feelings and thoughts. We need to have a voice rather than being muted actors.

"Hey.. Are you okay?"

Napakurap-kurap ako.

"Bianca." Hinarap ako ni Miguel.

"Hm?" Namanat ang boses ko.

"Kahapon ka pa ganyan, may masakit ba sa 'yo?"

"W-wala naman," I shook my head. Naningkit ang mga mata niya.

"Are you sure?" And I nod. "Then bakit parang napakalalim naman ng iniisip mo?"

"Inaalala ko lang si Bea.." ang naibigay kong sagot. Although ang talagang iniisip ko ay 'yung sinabi niya nang magkasakit siya, pero of course, kasama rin naman ang anak ko sa iniisip ko. I miss my daughter.

"Do you want me to call her?"

"Yes." With that, kinuha ni Miguel ang cellphone niya sa isang drawer. Ibinigay niya ito sa akin. "Thanks.."

"Please go outside after you talk to her.."

"For what?" Pero hindi niya ako sinagot. Seryoso niya lamang akong tinignan. Lumapit siya sa akin at marahan akong hinalikan sa noo nang makakuha ng tyempo.

Natigilan ako.

Sa muling pagkakataon ay pumintig sa mabibilis na paraan ang puso ko.

Sa kung papaano niya idampi ang labi sa noo ko ay nangilabot ako. Nagtaasan ang mga balahibo sa batok ko. Kung hindi niya pa ako haplusin sa braso ay baka natuod na lamang ako sa kinatatayuan ko.

"I mean it, Bi.." Miguel suddenly whispered and I completely shivered. Tumalikod na siya. Mukhang lalabas na talaga.

"A-anong.." I want to be in denial but I can't anymore. Instead of calling him, I just process everything first.

Calm down, Bianca.

All you need to do is to let him.

"Mommy!" Nang marinig ko ang boses ng anak ko sa kabilang linya ay nawala unti-unti ang mga iniisip ko. "My baby-princess.."

"I miss you na po so much, mommy ko! Kumusta na po kayo d'yan ni daddy?" Even though this is not a video call, nakakasigurado akong abot-tenga ang ngiti ng anak ko.

"Hush, you brat. Akala mo ba nakalimutan ko na ang ginawa mong pakikipagsabwatan sa daddy mo.."

"I love you Mhy!" Napaupo ako sa sofa. "You're my sunshine and my moonlight!"

"Ay sus, ang anak ko.."

"Sorry na po mommy, si daddy po kase 'di ko matiis. Nag-puppy eyes siya sa akin Mhy!" she giggled and just like that, my mood lightened.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto o kung umabot ba ako ng isang oras sa pakikipag-usap sa anak ko. Masyado akong nadala sa pagiging madaldal niya. Alam kong ilang araw pa lang kaming 'di nagkikita pero sa sobrang adventurous ng unica ija ko, ang dami niyang baong kwento.

"Sige 'nak, tatawag na lang ulit ako mamaya." Inayos ko ang buhok ko. "Naghihintay nga pala ang daddy mo sa labas." Muntik ko nang makalimutan.

"Aye aye, captain!" Nang mawala na siya sa kabilang linya ay ipinatong ko ang cellphone ni Miguel sa side table. Lumabas ako ng rest house.

"Nasaan ba siya?" Hinanap ng mga mata ko ang lalaking iyon. Wala naman siya sa dalampasigan kaya nag-ikot-ikot pa ako.

Malawak at malaki ang islang ito.

Maraming araw pa siguro ang magdadaan bago ko ito tuluyang malibot.

"Ouch." Bigla ay napadaing ako. Hindi ko napansin ang batong nasa harapan ko.

"Be careful.. Miss," Napalingon ako sa likuran ko. Si Miguel! Mula sa braso niyang nakapalibot sa bewang ko, ibinaba niya ito para mahawakan naman ang kamay ko.

"S-saan mo ako dadalhin?" Hindi ko mapigilang mautal. Pero hindi niya ako pinansin kaya nagpaubaya na lang ako.

Habang hawak ni Miguel ang kamay ko, sunod-sunod akong napalunok. Our intertwined hands seem perfect for each other. I feel safe whenever he holds my hand. Everything is just so.. peaceful whenever he's with me.

"W-what is this.." I breathe out, seeing a wonderful set up of a romantic picnic-style at the seaside.

"Do you.. like it?" Miguel's hesitant voice rolled over out of nowhere.

"Are you kidding me..?" I gasped. "I love it!"

Muli kong ibinalik ang atensyon ko sa harapan. There's a cosy blanket spread out on the warm sand, and within the area, a picnic basket with a delicious assortment of sandwiches, fruits, snacks, treats and drinks are prepared.

"Let's go then.." Iginaya ako ni Miguel paupo roon at mas lalong nagningnig ang mga mata ko.

Napatingin ako sa enticing view sa harapan. Our background surrounded by the soothing sound of crashing waves and the gentle breeze of the ocean is just so.. fascinating. And with Miguel's non-stop stares, this feels more intimate, personal and romantic.

"Did you make all of this?" I asked him.

"Y-yeah.." Napaiwas siya ng tingin. I want to ask him why.. But I feel like it's too soon. Before everything else, I just want to enjoy this picnic with him. I don't want to kill the mood because I can feel that he's nervous as hell. Kung anuman ang sasabihin niya at intensyon niya sa paggawa nito, maghihintay ako.

"Are you hungry? Eat this.." Inabutan niya ako ng tuna sandwich and I gladly take it. Binuksan ko ang wrapper nito at pinigilan ko ang paghagikhik ko nang makitang parang girly masyado ang style nito. Halatang nag-effort siyang mag-search sa internet.

"How is it?" Pinanood niya ang pagnguya ko. "Bakit hindi mo na lang tikman?"

"Okay.." Bigla ay lumapit siya sa akin. 'Yung tuna sandwich na nasa kamay ko ang kinagatan niya.

"Aba't.." Umakto akong nagulat kahit inaasahan ko na iyon.

Napangisi si Miguel.

"Sarap.." Exaggerated siyang ngumuya habang ang tingin ay nasa labi ko.

"Back off.." I playfully rolled my eyes and he chuckled. Muli akong kumagat sa sandwich at ganun din ang patuloy na ginagawa ni Miguel kaya madali na lang namin itong naubos. Ayaw niya talagang kumuha ng kanya. So ang ending, kung ano ang kinakain ko ay kinakain din niya.

Mula sa mga sandwich, sunod kong binuksan ang mga snack na nasa basket. Paborito ko ang lahat ng ito kaya hindi ko mapigilang kainin at tikman lahat. Sa drinks naman, may juice at red wine. Sinabi ni Miguel na may alcohol content 'yung wine kaya 'yung sa juice na lang muna ang ininom ko.

"Ba't 'yan ang hinanda mo?" sinuway ko siya. "May balak ka ano?"

"Wala ah.." Umiling siya.

"Sus.." Pinanliitan ko siya ng mata at natawa siya. Nagtaas-baba ang adams apple niya bago niya ako hinalikan sa tungki ng ilong ko.

"Stop being adorable, Bi." Napakagat siya sa pang-ibabang labi.

"Kapag may alak, may balak."

"But it's a red wine.."

"Na may alcohol content din naman." patuloy ko and his face completely fell. "Seriously?"

"Peace!" I giggled. Kinindatan ko siya.

"Pasalamat ka.." Miguel took a very long sigh. Later on, naramdaman ko na lang ang paghiga niya. Ginawa niyang unan ang hita ko. Awtomatiko namang napunta ang mga kamay ko sa buhok niya. Wala sa sariling hinaplos ko ito.

"Hm.. That feels good," he murmured as he closed his eyes.

Hindi ako kumibo.

Pinagpatuloy ko ang paglalaro sa buhok niya. Ang gaan nito sa kamay at parang ayoko na lamang bitawan. Nang bahagya akong suminghot, naamoy ko naman kung gaano ito kabango. In these kinds of small instances, I find life a bit unfair.

"Growing up with a complete family, back then, you would think that I was happy as a young kid." Natigilan ako. "But no.. I never experienced happiness even though I have a family that everyone wishes for. My mom and my father didn't love each other. They got married but only for a business. My father needs an heir for his company and the family side of my mom needs a stable image for their political agendas. I was born in this world to be a tool. My father never showed his love for me and my mom.. she's somehow distant to me back then."

"What..?"

"She thinks that I'm a mistake. She was forced to be with my father and seeing me only makes her more remorseful than ever. I was born but my parents never took care of me. I only got my manang in my back. At the age of 7, my mom cheats on my dad because my father also fucking his secretary. I watched how my supposed-to-be complete family messed up just like that. They are living under the same roof, yet they both don't care. In our family, the only important is our image; how public people see us. My childhood became hell. But suddenly, my mom slowly accepted me; and it was because of her lover, which is your father. He influenced Mom to see good things in me."

"As the moment passed, my mom got pregnant with Lizel. My father is so mad to the point that he makes mom choose kung sino sa mga anak niya ang pipiliin niya. Na if ako, she won't leave the marriage and just abort my sister. Pero kung si Lizel ang pipiliin niya, hindi niya ako makukuha kaylan man; aalis siya pero hindi ako kasama.." Naging mabigat ang paghinga ni Miguel. "And you know what? Even though it sounds selfish, I want her to choose me. But sadly, she didn't. She just promised me one thing; babalikan niya ako. Gagawin niya ang lahat ng paraan para makuha ako sa ama ko."

"A-And nagawa naman ni Auntie 'di ba?" I don't know but my heart hurts hearing how he recalled everything that happened in his life. Miguel's story is also painful just like mine..

"Yes.. But it's too damn late already," he whispered as his eyes became glossy. "Lahat ng galit ng ama ko kay mom, ibinuntong niya sa akin. When he's stressed, he will treat me as a punching bag; violating me physically. I was just a kid then, and all of his punches hurt so bad that I always ended up bleeding. But when he's in a good mood, in their master bedroom, he will let me hear how he disgustingly sex with his secretary. He traumatized me emotionally, mentally and physically. But I tried to be strong, I waited for Mom but s-she.. never came back any more." Hinawakan ni Miguel ang kamay ko as if doon siya kumukuha ng lakas para magpatuloy.

"I'm 13 years old when I give up. I let my father control me. I obeyed him just like what he wanted. In exchange, he will not hurt me anymore. He was obsessed with perfection and I adopted that mindset. Slowly, I acted as my father. My age doesn't matter anymore. I work like him, style like; everything he does seems also suit to me and it made him so fucking happy. As years passed by, he gave me a proposal and said that he would let me see and also be with my mom. I was actually stunned by the change of his heart, but thinking that he was just testing my loyalty to him; I refused. But he insists, telling me that my mom really loves me and he was only pulling his power to manipulate everything para hindi ako makuha ni mom. Even though hesitant, I agreed and that's where my life became blended. I lived with my father, but there were also days that I stayed with my mom."

"My life is truly complicated.. And God knows, that despite everything, I still despised how my father is. He gives me unending childhood trauma, Bi.." A tear escaped through his closed eyes. "But just like everyone else, he genuinely changed. In my adulthood, I secretly looked up to my father. He's a cruel man yet there's a part of me that loves him. Even if it's too late, we actually become father and son. He gave me freedom and let me be a boy before I completely started to be a man."

"At the age of 19, I can feel it.. Finally, my father learned to love me. He says he's proud of me and even though he viewed a boy as a weakling when he cries; I didn't care. In front of him, I show how I became desperate for their love. That even as I aged, I still craved my parents' affection. My father apologizes and I forgive him. B-But my ride with him didn't last as long as I wished for because..he died."

"M-Miguel.." Pinunasan ko ang pisnge niya. Puno ng luha ang mga mata niya. "It's hurts, Bi. Kung kaylan ako masaya, saka pa siya kinuha at nawala. I find everything unfair. Even though lahat ng ari-arian niya ay pinamana niya sa akin, hindi ko matanggap. Naging mas malala ang galit ko sa lahat. So nag-rebelde ako, in the process of healing; I hookups with every girl I met. I fulfilled all of my tensions in sex. 'Yung ugali ng ama ko noon, mas lumabas sa katauhan ko nang mawala siya. Naging mainitin ang ulo ko. Wala akong pakealam kung may nababangga akong tao. Nagpalamon ako sa lahat ng negatibong emosyon ko.."

Mas natahimik ako. Hinayaan ko siyang mag-break down sa harapan ko. Kahit mahirap panoorin, tinibayan ko ang loob ko.

"Traumatized with everything, I-I battle with my mental health.." Kumuyom ang kamao ni Miguel. "..yet no one knows." He gulped. "I suffer alone, but my mom didn't even know."

"I'm a broken boy with a ruined past, and seeing how contented my siblings were with their parent; I became distant. They are so lucky.. They are born with a family that I dreamed of once." Suddenly, Miguel let out a lifeless chuckle. "I'm such an insecure person hm? I was envious of my siblings and I was always jealous of my best friend. I fucking hate this feeling, but I can't help it.. They are just everything, Bi. And it's just me.. I'm a damaged person. My mind keeps messing me up and my feelings; it always feels worse."

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa kanya.

Bumuka ang bibig ko para magsalita pero tila pinipigilan naman ito ng lalamunan ko.

Unti-unti naramdaman ko ang pamumuo ng luha sa mga mata ko. Miguel looked vulnerable in my arms and my heart ached.

He didn't deserve to be in pain like this..

L A D Y M | MOONWORTH