All sights, sounds, and smells outside the library blurred past me. I wasn't sure if wolves cried, but my vision clouded over as I ran out the Eastern packhouse. Desperate to put as much distance between me and the library of depressing reality bombs, without any thought, I gave up and let Lumi take over. A mental sigh of relief washed over me as I slid out of control and into the back of our mind.

While our pain intertwined, at this moment, she was more rational in her reactions.

Licking my egotistical wounds, I understood why she often sat in the back of my mind and hid in the darkness. Mentally, this recessed location comforted my consciousness like a thick black quilt wrapped around me.

My thoughts distracted, I paid no attention to the surroundings in front of us. I vaguely felt her paws as they pushed into the ground, the air that filled her lungs and pumped blood into her veins, and the sharpness of her mind as she ran with a free, wild spirit.

Away from the truth.

Enough of the truth for today.

Hugging my knees into my chest, I sighed and curled up into the blackest corner of our mind. I paid no attention to, let alone cared about, where Lumi was headed.

'Zara...'

Leave me alone, Lumi.

After a few minutes of peaceful silence, I noticed she stopped and laid down in a shady spot under some trees at the lake. A few birds chirped from the branches overhead and she had a terrible interest in a flock of ducks at the water's edge.

Don't even think about it.

Footsteps flicked one of her ears back.

'Zara, company.'

Abruptly, she stood up onto all fours. Tension ran down her spine as if the sensation were my own, the tightening as her hackles raised. Her lip curled upward and her jaw set as her teeth barred. A warm vibration rumbled the back of her throat as a growl rose from her chest.

I was content to let her deal with whoever was bothering us, until I heard a familiar female voice.

"Zara? Oh, not Zara... Lumi."

Lumi didn't change her stance, locking her muscles in place. The vibrations of her growl rumbled around me as she released it.

"Lumi, calm down." Raina stepped into view. "You know I'm not going to hurt you, big fluffy snowball."

Lumi snuffed, but laid back down and looked away. Raina approached, sat down, and crossed her elbows over her knees. We must've been an odd sight and her human form next to Lumi drew a few curious eyes.

We sat silently for a few minutes before she spoke again. "Lumi," her voice muffled. She reached and stroked her fingers down one of Lumi's front paws, which earned her a lick. "I need to speak to Zara, please. I know she's in there."

Another round of growls rumbled around me like thunder. My lips twitched at Lumi protecting my need for space.

Thank you.

"You know..." Raina leaned closer, her eyes peering at one of Lumi's. "It's hard to see from your eyes which one of you is in control. But if you keep growling at me then I'll come back later."

It's okay, Lumi.

I regained control, almost to the point where I shifted back. Blinking, I remembered my destroyed clothes and rested our head on Lumi's paws.

Naked walk of shame back from the lake is the last thing I wanted to do.

"Don't worry, Flower. I brought you some." Raina tossed a T-shirt, sweatpants, and sandals at my side.

I looked at her for a moment, then shifted back and got dressed. She gazed out at the lake, a faraway look in her eyes, turning when I sat next to her.

After I gave her a sheepish smile, I hugged my knees to my chest. We sat for a few moments as I squeezed them tight with my elbows. A soft breeze blew against my cheeks.

"Thanks," I mumbled, my gaze forward but unfocused. "For the clothes."

"No problem." She didn't move her expression either. "I like the spot Lumi picked. It wasn't hard for me to find you."

"Didn't want to be found." I squeezed my knees, tucking my stomach and rounding my back.

"Look, Flow - err, Zara," she corrected as the side of her nose closest to me cringed. "I'm not good at this talking, feelings thing, but I can listen if you need me to."

"I wouldn't even know where to start..." My mouth tugged into a half-smile with my lips pressed together. "Taking all of the false information in the past seventeen years and ten months aside, everything I've been told and believed over the past two months except for the fact I'm a werewolf has been a complete lie."

"I wouldn't say everything, Zara." I caught her suppressed smile. "But I can see how you'd feel that way. Your father's an asshole."

"You're right." I scoffed, digging my heels into the grass. "You aren't very good at this."

"At least I brought clothes." Her shoulder bumped against mine.

We fell into a comfortable silence, as I declined to discuss what fogged over my brain and she appreciated that. The bright afternoon sun warmed my forearms and the soft breeze relaxed my eyes half-shut. The faint rippling sound of the lake fountains served as a backdrop for the birds chirping overhead.

"Raina," I whispered. "I'm glad you're still here, but why are you still here? I mean, you got the medical supplies, right?"

"I was going to talk to you about that." Her dark eyes shifted to the grass between her feet. "I'm... thinking of sticking around."

"Really!?" Wide did not describe my eyes as they stretched open.

"Yeah," she said quietly, chewing her lower lip. "I mean, if that's alright with you. You could definitely use some more practice fighting."

"You and your non-compliments, Raina." My lips pulled into a genuine smile at her. "What about your pack?"

"Seems you were right about one thing, Flower," she replied. "Arlo was a capable fit taking over training. Lucus asked me to resolve some strained relations at the Western border, so I figured I'd stick around until we got there..."

Her voice trailed off, sounding unsure. Her eyes also refused to meet mine, but she smiled when I replied, "More than okay."

I beamed at her, leaned over, and wrapped my arms around her shoulders. She scowled and shrugged me off. "Flower-" she started when I cut her off with a wave of my hand.

"I know, I know." My head tipped back and laughs bounced my shoulders, lightening the heaviness in my chest. "No hugs. You can make it up by throwing me into the ground, if you're up for practicing."

"Always." She nodded. "We can start tomorrow morning, if you're free."

"I'd like that," I started when I heard a mindlink from Cole.

'Zara?' he asked. 'You out here?'

'Yeah, by the lake,' I replied.

'You okay?'

'That's debatable.' I didn't feel like answering further, and fortunately he didn't ask.

'Elena sent me to see if you were coming back to the library. They're having dinner down there tonight, something about an all-nighter.'

'Great.' Even mentally, I had no enthusiasm in my response.

"I should get back to the books," I muttered.

"You sure?" She eyed me sideways.

I looked at her for a few seconds, my eyes scanning her dark ones. "Yes."

Over the next two days, I trained with Raina in the early mornings for two hours, then met with Elena and Luna Rashida for ten hours straight in the library. We peeled back my father's lies one at a time, like layers of an onion. And, like an onion, each peel stunk and left my cheeks stained with tears.

After I absorbed the onslaught of information that detailed how my life was nothing but an intricately weaved web of lies, I felt alone. Lumi receded to her silence, although I felt her presence.

While I appreciated how Luna Rashida was as open as any book in her library, and Raina reached out with stress relief, logically I assumed their true loyalties remained with their own packs. I held nothing against them about this and accepted facts for how they were presented to me.

Family ties.

I looked at my father's security team differently. Most were younger guys my age up to a few years older than me.

Raina watched them train, then confessed to me that they were the best warriors in the country. Their strength and stamina levels were greater than she'd seen. Before now, this gave me a sense of comfort and safety.

Now, the men became another representation of my father's control, mere extensions of his prison walls around me.

Leaving... Elena and Cole.

As I was closest to them, including their direct access to my mind, I was most confused about their intentions. Elena was also lied to and never demonstrated being capable of malice. Cole remained like the rude, older brother I never wanted.

But she also never told me that she was from the East. Is he even from the Central territory?

And Cole was in charge of my security. 

Is he another one of my father's pawns? So confusing.

The only decision I made was that we needed to have a long conversation before I could decide if we were going any further with... whatever this traveling shitshow was. I was still sorting through this new reality.

Once my initial shock to each new set of information wore off, the more truth I learned and absorbed, the unhinged I became. Tiny bubbles of annoyance formed in my stomach, like a simmering pot of water.

Eventually, I reached a level that surpassed what I felt in the hospital. Book words blurred before my eyes, I lashed out in sparring practices until my muscles screamed with fatigue, and ate all my meals alone. I considered asking Luna Rashida if there were any anger management alternatives in their greenhouse since I had trouble controlling my seething reactions.

The third and last day I spent in Luna Rashida's library involved by far the most painful conversations. And unfortunately, our discussion on one particular subject yielded further questions.

The first difficult conversation involved my family history. In particular, I needed to know more details surrounding the deaths of my mother and brother Soloman.

"I'm sorry." Luna Rashida's voice husked as tears glimmered in her eyes. "Your mother did die after childbirth. She came here to use our healers for a natural, unmedicated birth in our infirmary."

Her tears spilled over, glistening trails on her cheeks but she didn't wipe them away. "There were... complications. The labor stalled because the birth cords were around both of your necks, and she had substantial hemorrhaging. Your father flew her to the West for more modern equipment."

I didn't say anything, staring at her downturned mouth. This information, so far, was identical to what Miss Anna shared with me. Oddly, I felt relieved once at least one piece of information told to me was validated, no matter how horrible the subject matter.

"You were born blue in color and not breathing." Rashida's eyes closed and her voice dropped, "You were put into isolation. Your brother -"

"What about him?" I whispered, leaning so far forward that my elbows dragged across the table.

"I... don't know." Her eyes still closed, she shook her head. "He was still inside your mother when I offered to go with you to neonatal care since your father couldn't be in two places at once. When I returned to give the good news that your condition had stabilized, I saw your mother."

Her voice husked around a sob, "She... she was..."

I whispered the word that seemed stuck in her throat. "Dead?"

Opening her eyes, now red at the corners, Rashida nodded. More tears slipped down her cheeks. "Your father informed me that your brother needed to remain in isolation at the pharmaceutical lab to receive life saving medications. I stayed in the West with you until he returned a few days later, alone, and took you to the Central territory."

She paused for a breath, then continued with, "Two weeks later, your father contacted me. He informed me that your brother had met the same fate as your mother, and had me draft a death certificate for both."

"Back up, please." My eyes closed as my fingers rubbed my forehead. "You said you knew my brother had a white wolf."

"I only assume that," she replied sadly.

"So is he or isn't he -" I couldn't bring myself to say the word 'alive,' for fear of false hopes.

"There have been no sightings of your brother since his birth," she responded as her eyes darkened. "I am sorry Miss Zara, he is dead. And the best that you can do is honor their memory moving forwards. Werewolves who focus too much on the past only end up chasing their own tails for the rest of their life."

"Can you tell me anything else about them?" I squeezed my interlocked fingers. "What did she look like? I've never seen any pictures of my mother."

"You share several of your mother's features." She cocked her head sideways, examining me with narrowed eyes. "Her eyes were light but a different shape than yours, same light hair but hers fell in waves."

She smiled, sadness dulling her hazel eyes. "But size, stature, pale skin, soft voice, are identical."

"Th-thank you," I squeaked out.

My back leaned against my chair. A smile played on my lips for the first time since I set foot down in this basement library. For the next few breaths at least, the air didn't taste as stale.

"My pleasure, Zara. And, that -" Her gaze shifted to my chest and she nodded at my necklace. "- I recognize as hers, although your father's pack Sigil has been added to it."

"Do you recognize the other one?" My thumb and forefinger parted the two charms and I pressed the pad of my thumb against what I knew was the half-circle intertwined with a triangle.

"Unfortunately, no." The overhead yellow lamps cast dull highlights over her loose auburn hair as she shook her head. "I can only speculate that it might be from her pack or a family heirloom."

"The rogue in the Northern Territory," I reminded Elena. "His tattoo was similar, but with a wolf's head on it."

"That was my search during the first two days here." She sighed, smoothing her hands through her hair. "I'm sorry, I looked in every historical family and pack history book here, even records on rogues, and found no Sigils or mention of something remotely similar to that."

"Well..." I looked back over at Rashida. "I appreciate knowing anything you have about my mother."

"Her wolf was white," she added. "Like yours."

"What was she like?" As I leaned over, desperation for any additional piece of information she had on my mother tightened my chest.

"I didn't know her personally because your father is very private." Luna Rashida's voice was low but even as she admitted, "She wasn't here long but from our brief interactions, she was kind and quietly thrilled to become a mother. Quite overwhelmed at the idea of the two of you."

Every inch of me smiled as I heard the word 'kind.'

My mother was kind.

Another phrase she said caught my attention. "Not here long?" My eyebrows squeezed together. "What do you mean?"

"Your mother..." She hesitated, glancing at Elena.

"Luna Rashida," I begged, cupping my hands around her forearm. "Please. I need to know. Something. Anything... Please."

"Purely speculation," she warned as her eyes flicked back to mine. "But I suspect your mother was not from our country."

"What!?"

I looked between her somber expression and Elena's gaping silence. My lips parted but the rest of me sat frozen. Lumi paced so much that my skull pounded dizzy. I pressed my fingertips against my forehead to calm the sensation.

"I don't have a shred of proof of that," she admitted. "Your father disappeared for a few months and showed up with her one day. He had me draft the Luna paperwork right then. Six months later, you were born. Your... distinctive features support this theory, which again I admit that I have no proof of."

My shoulders sagged as I slumped down in my seat. So many emotions swirled inside me that nausea rolled my stomach. Anger and despair dueled against each other to see which would win and bubble up to the surface.

"My father..." I frowned as her words registered. "Was he different, before they met?"

"Your father's demeanor shifted after your family's losses." Her expression hardened with lines of tension around her eyes and mouth. "I wish I could admit that he was substantially different before, but no."

Maybe that's why she was mated to my father, so her kindness could balance out his distance and cruelty.

Knowing an answer to my question would never surface, I chose to focus on questions with potential answers.

"What was her name?" Out of the corner of my eye, Elena's mouth dropped.

"Nieve," Rashida whispered.

The entire library space fell silent as I internalized her name, which sounded like naïve. Only the faint murmur of the air conditioning hummed in the background. My gaze dropped down to my hands as I ran the tip of one thumb up and down the other side repeatedly.

A faint sound broke through the silence.

Plop.

My ears twitched at a tiny water droplet sound, then another. I looked up to tears streamed down Elena's face. They splashed tiny puddles as they landed on the table between us.

"You didn't even know her name?" She made no attempts to wipe her tears away.

I shook my head and averted my eyes. Otherwise, both of us would have cried.

"It means snow." Rashida's lips pulled into a smile that didn't reach her eyes. "Like Lumi."

Oh boy.

My breaths turned ragged and uneven, pitching my chest with each one. While Elena sniffled and wiped her eyes behind her glasses, Rashida drew a slow breath.

"I think we needed a mental break," she whispered, her eyes glazing over.

Elena pushed her chair back. "Excuse me."

By 'break,' Luna Rashida had lunch brought to the elevator. Carrying large bags, Gamma Sebastian provided our delivery service. Elena walked to the bathroom upstairs, cleaned her face, and returned with Gamma Sebastian. Although my nauseous stomach left me without an appetite, I smiled and nodded thanks as we unpacked the bags at our table.

"You need to eat, Zara." Elena spoke up, her eyes on my unopened bag.

"I'm okay." I pushed it away.

Between zero appetite and an unpleasant, metallic taste in my mouth, neither motivated me to eat. Rashida seemed to sense that we needed comfort food and had requested a tomato cream soup, salad, and warmed cheese sandwiches from the kitchen. While the food smelled heavenly, my mouth felt like my jaw had been wired shut.

"Zara..." Luna Rashida reached over and rubbed my arm. "Anytime you want to stop we can. It's a lot to take in."

"How about we talk about something less, uhh... heavy?" I asked.

"Of course." She smiled, taking a bite of her sandwich.

"Why can I mindlink with Elena?" My gaze shifted over to the curly brown-haired librarian lover sipping at what looked like tomato soup. "We're not in the same pack."

Because I'm not in any pack.

"It would take any connection really." Rashida smiled. "Closeness, mating, a traumatic event, perhaps. It's a sign of mutual trust among the wolves, among other things."

Suppose getting tossed over a cliff counts as traumatic enough... then Elena mated with Cole.

"I'm glad we can." Elena paused, her spoon hovering outside her mouth, and sent me a smile. "Even if half the time you forget we can do that and still blurt things out loud, Zara."

'I heard that.' My lips curled up at the corners.

'Eat your lunch.' She returned my smirk with one of her own.

"She's still relying on human tendencies," Rashida mused at our mindlinking as her eyes flashed back and forth between us. "But it's a good sign, forming those connections. You can shift into Lumi's form with ease?"

I nodded, since her question felt like a teacher who asked a student. Perhaps the library setting had rubbed off too much.

"And you can alternate between leaving her control and taking it back?" My head silently bobbed again.

"Good." Her lips pulled into a satisfied smile. "That means your body is transforming properly, despite your obvious... delays."

At the word 'delays,' Elena's smiling face fell. Her voice dropped to a whisper, "Luna Rashida, did you look over the list of suppressants I gave you that Zara was on for almost four years?"

"Yes."

My heartbeat stuttered at the frown that creased Rashida's forehead and I watched the corners of her mouth turn down. Her eyes darkened into brown-hazel before they shifted to me. With a sigh, she pushed her lunch away.

"What?" I inhaled since I doubted I'd like this conversation either. My heart now thumped against my chest walls, pulsing the veins in my neck with faint throbs.

So much for lighter topics.

"It might be best to pose this question to the Western pack." Her eyes burned dark. "Since that is the source of those medications."

"But do you know the effects?" My lips pressed together and the skin on my knuckles strained as my hands gripped the edges of my chair.

"Suppress your wolf," she replied. "Push Lumi into the shadows of your mind so she is alone and silent."

My eyes drew to Elena's gasp, finding her cheeks pale and lips rounded. "What, Elena?"

"Zara described Lumi's speech as very... rudimentary," she whispered to Rashida. "Mostly has a one to two word vocabulary."

"Is that true?" Rashida's eyebrows raised. Her voice remained quiet and smooth, but her fingers curled around the edge of her book.

"Yes..." Nodding, my face tensed. My eyebrows scrunching together and teeth clenching, I didn't mask the same confusion and frustration burning inside my gut. I tried to brush the emotions off and shrugged. "She's got a lot of personality and emotion but is a wolf of few words. It doesn't bother me."

"It should." Tears reappeared in Elena's eyes. Watching them bead up and shine like mirrors, a pit formed in my chest.

"I don't understand." My eyes stretched wide and tongue wet my dry lips. "What is it like when you talk with Sand?"

"Speech-wise, almost the same as if I was talking to you." Her eyes shifted away and darkened as her lips pursed.

Her reaction made me draw in a slow breath and heart thunder. I heard, and felt, as Lumi whimpered.

"If the intention was to suppress her wolf," Rashida filled in the blanks, her own expression mirroring Elena's and darkening. "Sounds like it was a successful effort."

"I knew it." Closing her eyes, Elena whispered to herself and her fingers curled into fists. She pounded one onto her book with a muffled thud. "This is too much."

"Elena?" I reached over and held one of her wrists, rubbing my thumb to relax the tension straining her face. "You're not making any sense. Please, tell me what's going on."

"I've been reading this..." Opening her eyes and dividing her book stash, she held up a navy blue book. By the title, the book looked to be a medical text on werewolf medications that belonged more in an infirmary than a library.

"Yeah?" I lost count now of how many questions I didn't want, but needed, the answers to at this point.

"The medicines your father used to suppress Lumi..." her voice wavered, strained and choked up, before her tears returned and stole her words away.

A chill washed over my chest, and my heart pounded like a timpani drum. My free hand balled into fist as if that helped break the tension built inside.

'Tell me,' I pushed.

'...I'm afraid that they did some permanent damage.' Her brown eyes looked engulfed in pain and grief as she lifted them to mine.

The space between us fell deathly quiet. Every part of my mind and cell in my body froze. Lumi froze too. I don't know if seconds or minutes passed because all time had stopped. And then...

"No."

The word came out of me as a whisper, more like a breath, possibly the last breath I wanted for the rest of my life. My mouth felt like sandpaper the second the breath passed over my tongue and my heart squeezed as all life left my body with that breath. Weakness struck my knees, sending tingles into my toes.

I don't believe it. I can't. It's too much.

Lumi shared my feelings.

'No.'

"I-I c-can't," Elena stumbled over her words as her tears flowed like rivers over her cheeks. The corners of her brown eyes lined red with irritation. She paused, her shoulders heaving as she drew in a husky breath, and switched to mindlinking.

'Zara, I can't imagine how this must feel. I'm so sorry, I hope I'm wrong about this.'

I stared at her blankly, unable to form coherent enough thoughts to respond. My mind felt numb, thick with haze, and my emotions flooded into it.

I can live with the truth about me.

I can't change the truth about my family.

I can't accept this "truth" about Lumi.

'Not weak.'

Lumi's words, quiet and clear, slipped through the emptiness I felt inside. She was not weak, but her whimpers tore into me. I sensed she felt as I did after my father had me beaten down to nothing. She whined as she wrapped her heart around one last shred of denial as her sole comfort.

Her words, and their staccato delivery, broke my heart.

'Not Weak.'

'Scared.'

'Angry.'

Elena's next words passed through my mind without much acknowledgment from either me or Lumi.

'We don't have any proof, but based on Lumi's volatile temperament, the suppressive medicines, and what you said about her speech... Lumi's development is a few years behind where it should be.'

'What!?'

My fingers wound into my hair and clamped down. Bearing down, I drew my elbows into my thighs, rounding my back and clenching my stomach like the position blocked out this nonsense.

I couldn't believe what I heard. Neither could Lumi, she paced, panting out hot breaths.

'Can't that just be from her staying dormant?' A sob choked up my throat. 'Like... hibernating?'

'Maybe.' She blinked as the trail of tears still dripped down both her cheeks. 'Time will tell. We need to find the answers in the Western territory's pharmaceutical lab. That's where the meds were made.'

In a consolation that barely registered with me, she added, 'I'm so sorry, Zara.'

My chest heaved as I drew in a ragged, defeated, hollow breath. Hunching over, I couldn't speak, couldn't even mindlink Elena.

But I could go inside, to Lumi, and offer the words she deserved.

I don't care even if it is true, you're perfect to me Lumi.

I don't think she believed me, she was already gone into the shadows. She left me with hope that she wouldn't stay in there, but as I respected her space, a new sensation flooded into me.

Fueled by more than three days' buried in a library's musty, poorly lit library until my back ached and eyes strained, the accumulation of years of lies confronting me sagged my body down in my seat.

I'm tired of feeling like this.

Anger - a hateful, disgusted, deep rooted, and vile form of anger - sparked in my chest. Glowing warmer, it fanned out into every cell of my body, flushing my skin with goosebumps. Surging blood down my veins, heat pumped into my arteries, which pulsed with echoed beats. The muscles in my arms and legs flinched and tightened, along with my jaw as it set into a locked position.

Messing with my body is crazy and I still don't know why, but hurting my wolf is too much.

A relaxed sensation chilled down my spine as I pulled upright. My fingers curled into fists so tight I couldn't believe the skin didn't break across my knuckles.

He won't get away with it Lumi, I promise you.

As I expected, she didn't answer me. All that mattered was she heard me.

Even if I have to kill him myself.