Chapter Twenty-Nine

People put far too much leverage on kisses. I blame Snow White and Sleeping Beauty and the Princess and the Frog and any other fairy tale you can think of. One magic moment, and suddenly it all fixed. Yay! Everyone can go home.

We all forget that's not how it really works.

A lot of this has been all about Harry, as it should be. He's important, to the world, to me, to everything. But there's someone else here, too. Me. And part of a relationship with someone, whatever kind, romantic or otherwise, is learning who you are on your own. That was what I had to do. I had to live my life without him. I had to just be me. Not Ally and Harry. Not Niall's best friend, not Lizzie's roommate. Just Ally.

*****

I had to move out of Lizzie's flat.

It wasn't like she made me or anything, in fact it was quite the opposite. The first night that we were home we slept in the same bed because the space felt too quiet and too empty to be by ourselves. She basically begged me not to go, but it was time. I had far surpassed overstaying my welcome, and it was only because she loved me unconditionally that I had been allowed to stay this long, crashing on a sofa bed and robbing my best friend and her boyfriend of the privacy they deserved. 

Of course Niall wasn't back yet, it was only a few weeks since we had left them at the airport. But the time had come for me to given them back their space, and it was easier to do it now. Unlike Lizzie, I wasn't a whole a procrastinator and I wanted to do before Niall came back. They would thank me later.  

Okay, yeah, I know this is me sounding really mature and grown at all, but I'm nothing if not honest. To be frank, I was also just really tired of sleeping on a sofa bed.

I didn't really feel like going through the whole ordeal of finding a roommate that I probably wouldn't get along with anyways or living in a tiny shoebox so I could have a place to myself, so I moved in with my nan. She lived about a half hour from the city center, and happened to have a spare bedroom available. (Don't tell anyone, but I'm actually English on my father's side, which is why my aunt lives in Manchester and my nan in London. But rest assured, the Brits will never claim me). 

Anyways, I now paid my rent to her, and in turn she assured that I didn't starve. In fact, she was even teaching me some things about cooking for whenever I was ready to be on my own.

"How was school, love?" Nan called from the kitchen. The sweet aroma of her flat filled my nose, like potpourri and something baking.  

"Fine!" I replied, taking my shoes off as I walked in the door. I placed my jumper on the hook and followed the sound of her voice to find her.

"Do you want something to eat?" she asked as I walked into the kitchen. Nana was about the only person in the family whose height I could actually compare to, she was exactly the same size as me. Her hands were sunk deep in dishwater when I got there.

"No," I said, wrapping my arms around her waist and kissing her on the cheek before shooing her away and taking over her washing up. She placed her soapy hands on her hips firmly, just like I do. I ignored her and dunked a plate into the soapy water. "I'm heading over to Lizzie's in a few minutes, so I'll just eat there."

"Oh?" She moved over to the stove to dry her hands on a towel before placing a container of biscuits next to me. "Take these to her, won't you? Think of it as a late birthday present from me." Lizzie's birthday was last week, always the last one of the season. I took her out to the pub to celebrate, promptly ordering endless tequila shots until we were piss drunk. 

I knew Lizzie had fun, but she wished the rest of them could have been there, too. Niall had sent her a huge present in the mail and Skyped her before we left, but it wasn't quite the same.

I finished the dishes and grabbed the container from the counter. "Sure. Niall will be jealous, though," I said with a laugh, he had been longing for homemade baked goods practically every day since he left. Nan didn't know any of the boys, really, except a few interactions with Niall back in the day, but Lizzie had been over frequently enough for her to get a treat.

"Niall's the cute one, right?" she said with a grin. "Oh, no, wait. That's Harry. I can never keep track of them all. Which is the one you like to snog?"

"Nan!" I cried in embarrassment. She just laughed in response while I went to my room to change, shaking my head. Sometimes I think she's a little bit of a nutter, but then I remember that she's related to me. I had to get it from somewhere. 

*****

Lizzie moaned in pleasure through her mouthful of chocolate shortbread. "Can I just say: I love you living with Nan. It almost makes up for you not being here."

I chuckled at her ability to be easily persuaded by food. "Hmm, sofa bed versus actual room to myself. So hard to choose," I teased.

She gave me her puppy dog eyes. "But I come with witty comments thrown in everywhere! And a messy room so you can satisfy your cleaning needs!"

"Fair point, fair point." She smiled smugly. "But don't worry, once Niall comes back, you'll be glad that I'm gone. I mean, 'I missed you' sex and birthday sex all in one, I do not need to be here for that."

She responded by chucking a pillow at my head and I laughed my head off at her embarrassment. Lizzie was always such a prude when it came to her and Niall. 

We were in her room, laying next to each other on the bed even though we were supposed to be studying together. We were different majors at Uni, but no one was safe from exams. But when I came bearing biscuits we may have gotten slightly distracted by food and each other and recused all thoughts of education.

"Have you heard from him lately?" I asked, trying to change the subject as I sat up to dunk a cookie into my tea.

She shrugged. "We talk for a few minutes every day or so, with the time difference and all. They're really busy on the tour." She didn't need to say it, but knew she wished she could talk to him more and was just pretending it didn't bother her. "Have you?"

"Not since your birthday, no. He called to say hi and make sure you got your present. Oh, and he gave me the specific instructions to take you out."

She rolled her eyes as if she didn't assume that already. Ni and I were practically famous for devising plans that involved Lizzie without telling her. It was what we did best. We schemed and planned and made sure that she did more than sit in her room, reading and watching movies. She loved us for it, in the end. 

She bit her lip, sitting up to meet my eyes, and I knew she was thinking about saying something but wasn't sure if she should. "What?" I said finally.

"What about Harry? Have you heard from him at all?" she blurted out. Of course Harry came up. Doesn't he always? The sound of his name plucked the strings on my heart slightly, but I tried to be okay. 

I had gotten a few texts from all the boys, Zayn complaining that he missed the smell of burning food, Liam checking in, Louis with this funny story that he just had to tell me before running off to rehearsal. But nothing from Harry. "No," I said honestly. 

It hurt a little bit, not hearing from him, but it wasn't like I made much of an effort, either. I don't think either of us knew where to begin, after all that happened. 

"Are you okay with that?" she asked me, concerned. I smiled at her protective nature. Lizzie was always ready to throttle anybody who hurt me. Not that her kind nature and knowledge of old literature was intimidating in any sense of the word, but the thought was there.

"Yeah," I said with a small smile to prove that I was telling the truth. "I don't think there's really much to say. After what happened, maybe neither of us wants to ruin it words. And you're right, they are busy."

She hugged a pillow close to her chest, playing with the seam along the edge. "He still could try," she said exasperatedly. 

I shrugged at her. "I know, but we were apart for so long. He has a life that's not me. And even with everything that happened this summer, we're not together at all. He doesn't owe me anything. I just have to keep up hope that he'll come back, and maybe we can fix everything." I felt myself blush at that last part, it still felt strange to admit what I wanted from him. 

Lizzie noticed my rosy cheeks. "Do you miss him?" she asked suddenly.

I paused for a moment. "Yeah, I do," I mumbled, mentally cringing as my cheeks went from pink to scarlet. "Every day." 

It was true. There was always something that reminded me of him, while I was in class, or on my way to school. Sometimes I missed him so much that I would look at the bad selfies we took just for a laugh, pretending like he really was right there next to me. He was everywhere.

I don't think she could have been grinning harder if she tried. "Stop!" I whined, hiding my face in my hands. I was never going to live this down.

Lizzie started giggling. "You two are so cute!" she cried with delight as I contemplated throwing the pillows back at her. I was so embarrassed but I couldn't help the smile that crawled across my face as I laughed with her.

"We're not together, Liz!"

She ignored me. "I ship it! I ship it sooo hard!"

I rolled my eyes. "I think you've been reading too many young adult novels again. You sound like a bloody teenager."

"You guys can be my OTP!" She was rolling around on her bed and nearly tearing up with laughter by now, enjoying this in far too much excess.

"Elizabeth Wright, are you actually fangirling?"

"That kiss at the airport, I mean, I think my heart melted. 'Al, wait,'" she mimicked dramatically, before placing a hand over her heart. She had this dreamy, faraway look in her eyes as she remembered it. "He is so into you." 

This time I couldn't stop myself from actually chucking a pillow at her. "Is not! We're not a thing, goddammit! Or have you forgotten the lack of texts already?"

She held a finger to her lips. "Shh, you're ruining the moment." Her laughter continued until she had no breath left, and we laid back down side by side on her bed, staring at ceiling. We didn't say anything for a bit, listening as the sound of her breathing returned to normal.

"Lizzie?"

 "Yeah?"

My arms were on my stomach, fingers interlaced. "Do you think he's going to come back?" I asked quietly.

 She turned to look at me, head propped up by her elbow. "Of course he's going to come back. They're all going to be back, eventually."

"I meant to me. Do you really think he's going to come back to me? Do you really think he feels the same?" I still didn't move to look at her, instead choosing to continue my focus on the ceiling. She had painted little starts on there that glowed in the dark.

"I don't know, Al," she said, pronouncing my name in a teasing voice as if she were Harry. "No one can know for sure. I don't have to explain to you how I think you two feel about each other. It's been far too overdone. But he's an idiot if he lets you go twice." She nudged me playfully.

"I know," I said. "I just wish I could fast forward it, you know? Make some moments last forever and others only a moment."

"Don't I know it," she replied, rolling over onto her back once again. "But that's life for you. It's made up of the little stuff." Her eyes moved sideways to look at me. "He's gonna come back, Ally. I know he will. It'll just take a little bit."

I nodded. "Yeah," I said, with just a hint of a smile.

*****

"Mark!" I called out to the small café as a tall man approached me, taking his iced latte with a half-smile and grabbing a straw.

As you could probably tell, I was back working at my job as a barista, spending my days trying to pull together enough tips to pay for my room at Nan's in-between classes at school. My cheeks hurt at the end of each day from all the forced smiling, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. 

My next order was a large black tea with cream. I looked at it fondly, sitting there on the counter with an odd smile on my face. It reminded me of Harry. That was exactly what he would get.

He was everywhere for me, his smell lingering on the jumper I accidentally stole (he must think this was becoming a habit), his music on the radio, his favorite kind of tea being ordered. Just, Harry. He was everywhere. The universe couldn't let me forget about him.

Okay, I knew it wasn't the universe. I was the one that couldn't forget about Harry. And I wouldn't want to. I wasn't even cross with him or pissed that he didn't try to call, he had no obligation to me and I think we were both still trying to figure out exactly what we were to each other. Besides, I wanted him to be happy, and if I made him happy, then he would let me know. If I didn't, that was okay, too. I was surprisingly non-bitter about the whole thing.

It was weird, I know. Where was hostile Ally when you needed her most?

Somebody dropped a tip in the jar and I thanked them. It didn't mean that I didn't want him to acknowledge me in some way. Each day I woke up and thought about how much I wanted to hear the sound of his voice, feel what it was like to be in his arms once again, get a laugh from his playful teasing. I could only hope that he felt the same, that we just needed time to sort it out. 

That was what I had to cling to, hope. I had to keep wishing and knowing there was a possibility that it would all turn out okay in the end if we were just patient with each other. That maybe today the waiting wouldn't seem so long, just another day to cross off the calendar before he realized that I was the one he wanted, after all. 

Despite all that had happened, I still didn't know how he felt, not really. I had never asked. That kiss was the perfect goodbye, but that's all it was. I said it before, my life wasn't a fairy tale and one kiss didn't solve everything. The only thing that could fix this was prince charming himself, if that's who he even was. I just had to be content with my maybe, for now. 

I walked out from behind the counter, picking up empty plates and wiping down the counters as my apron buzzed with a message. The shop was mostly empty, so I placed the grey dish bucket on an unoccupied table and pulled out my phone, grinning when I saw what it was.

                From: <Harry>

                Hi.

Song: Maybe by Ingrid Michaelson