Losing herself..

ﻭَﻟْﻴَﺴْﺘَﻌْﻔِﻒِ ٱﻟَّﺬِﻳﻦَ ﻻَ ﻳَﺠِﺪُﻭﻥَ ﻧِﻜَﺎﺣًﺎ ﺣَﺘَّﻰٰ ﻳُﻐْﻨِﻴَﻬُﻢُ ٱﻟﻠَّﻪُ ﻣِﻦ ﻓَﻀْﻠِﻪِۦ ۗ

"Let those who find not the wherewithal for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allah gives them means out of His grace."
(Aaya 33 , Surah Noor)

If we utilise our eyes in the correct way that Allah Ta'allah wants us to use it , it will be a means of us entering Jannah. At the same time if we use these eyes against the command of Allah Ta'allah , we use it in haraam day and night , then these eyes will be a means of a person being thrown headlong into Jahannam.

                          *Past*

I yearn for an escape, to be free ,
From this prison, to flee....

Trapped  behind life's  cell bars,
All I can do is stare at the stars..

Wishing to taste what if feels likes to be free ,
When from this heartbreaking prison will I be free .....

Flee to an isolated land,
Unclench my fisted hand....

Be free like a bird ,
Explore the world....

To glow with ecstasy ,
To live so happily ....

Away from those who envy, and pick on every fault,
In a deep , dark place maybe hidden in a vault...

I wish to be like the waves of the ocean intriuging, admired , glistening at night under the moon glow,
Flee to a far off land , where no one I know.....

Escape to a world of my own ,
Just be all alone....

Locked behind life's bars ,
All I can do is gaze at the stars...

(Jawhariy)

A gust of wind passed through the window, blowing the curtain aside , allowing a mesmerising view of the clear, velvet, star studded sky.

Safwa let out a deep sigh, she fixed her gaze on the bright, sparkling moon, that peeked at her, each time the curtains blew aside.

It had been a calm, peaceful and serene night, clear skies adorned with twinkling stars. The full moon shone brightly, the slightly cold, but soothing wind caused the little hairs on the back of her
  neck to stand but, she enjoyed the breezy wind and the calming and peaceful atmosphere.

The calm night was so unlike her, the whirlpool of emotions that were swirling within her, it was as if though, this calm night had descended especially for her, just to calm down the emotional storm that was brewing inside.

Safwa walked towards the sliding doors that lead to her balcony, she drew aside the white voile curtains, and slid open the door even wider, allowing the cool breeze to carres her hair, that rested on one side of her shoulder.

She took a deep breath , she stepped closer to the railing, gripping it tightly,enjoying the feeling of the cold metal against her bare hands, she gazed at the stars in awe, the sight of the stars made her dream... gazing at the glittering  diamonds in  the sky, made her realise that there was a great Being Who knew her every pain , Who saw every silent tear, Who heard every inaudible plea...

Her parents displayed more love and affection to her siblings, her siblings acted as if though she didn't exist, but she knew she had Allah to turn to,  Allah was her best friend , Allah listened to every complaint, she would find peace in her Salaah.

When she needed a shoulder to cry on, when she needed to randomly rant at the oddest hours of the night, when she needed to unleash the  crazy side of her, when she just needed someone to talk to, it would be none other than Jauhy , her crazy half.

She sighed once again, her eyes diverting from the twinkling stars to the view of the ocean, that had now turned dark, the reflection of the full moon glistening in the water, the waves crashed against the pier, angrily splattering water onto the sides of the pier. A couple walked hand in hand on the soft beach sand, only close enough for the foamy, cool water to reach their ankles. She turned  away, not wanting to intrude their little moment of  privacy.

She fixed her gaze on a group of three girls clad in abayas, scarves warpped around their heads, standing side by side, leaning  against the railing of the pier, licking their ice cream cones , discussing whatever it was that they were discussing, oblivious of her envious gaze. She guessed that they must be friends, maybe even sisters, whichever of the two it may be, this caused her eyes to release their encaged tears that she had been keeping locked behind her thick lashes, the tears freely  flowed down her cheeks....

Allah knows every sparkling tear on every eyelash....

She had a sister but, she was more like a stranger to her and the friend that she had chosen as a sister, was so stubborn that she refused to talk to her as often as they would,  since she found out Safwa and Khaleel had become friends.

Safwa sighed yet again, friends ....
She wished she could say that she took him only as a friend but, she could never lie to herself, over the last three months she had started to develop feelings for him and now she was trapped, she liked him so much  that it actually hurt , it hurt because she knew he only took her as a friend and nothing more ......but deep down in the crevices of her heart, she had a tiny, tiny, tiny flicker of hope, that maybe, just maybe he would reciprocate her feelings...

The only way she  would know was if she confessed her feelings to him, and that is what she would do. She didn't know what was going on with her brain, she questioned herself regarding these feelings  and the only conclusion she came to was, that she had developed a liking towards him, because he had sort of filled up the place of her heart that ached for the love and attention of her brother and sister....she knew it was wrong but she couldn't seem to let go....

She walked back into her room , grabbed her phone from her bed, then walked back to the balcony, making  herself comfortable on the soft chair.

She opened her WhatsApp, a smile instantly brightened her face, the first contact visible was none other than Khaleels.

Safwa:
Slms.

He replied instantly, which caused a goofy smile to be etched on her face.

Khaleel:
Wslm.

Safwa:
How are you ?

Khaleel :
Good and you ? ...

And their conversation continued for half an hour, just speaking about random things, until the topic took a sudden turn ,he mentioned what kind of a girl he would want to marry,  Safwa plucked up the courage and admitted her feelings to him.
All she got  for for a good few minutes was complete silence, no reply ...

Just two green ticks ... 

She propped  her phone on her lap , and placed her hand on  her eracticly beating heart. She  watched the cars zooming  past her, hoping he was not upset.

From the corner of her eye, she saw a green light flashing, her breath hitched, what did he say? Is he angry ?

She unlocked her phone then shut her eyes, she opened her right eye and peeked at the screen , she then opened both her  eyes and read the message.

Fresh waves of salty tears , washed down the shore of her soft cheeks, her heart clenched in pain, her head pounded with a sudden headache....

He had merely considered their relationship a friedly one and nothing more.....

Safwa ran into her room, slammed the sliding doors shut, and hid herself under the covers, burying her face into the pillows, she released her stream of tears once again ....

She fell so hard for him that she forgot about the commands of her Lord, her crazy half distanced herself from her, and she lost herself in the process....
She would have to find herself once again, and this time she would have to do  it  all on her own ....