~Los Angeles,

•10/12 {Monday, 10:32 A.M}

~*~ Dorian ~*~

"This is your room." The nurse said walking in this white empty room as I followed behind her. There was only a bed in the middle and nothing else. There weren't even sheets on the bed, neither a blanket nor a pillow. 

"So...I'm supposed to sleep on the mattress ? Like that ? "

"No, someone'll come and make your bed. Here is the bathroom. The door is locked, so if you want to use it call someone." 

I looked more around and saw that there were multiple and thin mental bars in front of the only window that was presented in the room. So, I couldn't even enjoy the view of outside normally. 

"And uh, I'm supposed to stay in this room, doing absolutely nothing ? "

"No. You have a schedule. Here it is." She showed me a paper that was hanging on the wall next to the door, "Wake up at eight-thirty, breakfast at nine-thirty, therapy at ten-fifteen, lunch at twelve-thirty, activities time at one-thirty, recreation at two if you want to go outside, snacks time at four, therapy at four-thirty, dinner at seven, then some more activities time and finally bed time at ten-thirty. Questions ? "

"When can I take a shower, take care of my hygiene and what are those activities time exactly ? And can I call my people ? "

"You can take care of your hygiene twice per day, so one in the morning before the breakfast and another one before bed time, so like you would usually do. The activities are art like reading, drawing, painting or poetry. They can also be movie time, like for those before bed time. And outside, you can wander or play some sports like golf or there are yoga classes also. And I'm sorry, but you can call your family or friends for now. This is the rules."

"Okay...thanks." 

"You're welcome. Oh ! And how you can see, you're not allowed to have a door. We're keeping close eyes on you." 

I nodded wondering in my mind if I was doing the right thing. But I did need to be there, so they could help me to get better and deal with my inner demons that were taking a huge toll on me now. I'd been dealing with them by myself for way too long. I couldn't try to fight them by myself anymore. A helping hand was necessary. 

While I stayed at Docia's for the weekend, I had the occasion to think over and over again about getting help in a mental institution, and I came with that final decision, so accepting the help I needed. I couldn't even deny it anymore. I was going crazy and little by little becoming a danger for myself first off but for others also. And even if I was really close to listen to my suicidal thoughts and kill myself, I didn't really want to harm myself. And I'll be damned if I ever hurt someone that didn't deserve it. I couldn't let all of this happen, so I had to do something to prevent it. 

I talked about it with RJ and Lani on Sunday when I got back to the crib and they were supporting me in my decision. So now I was here and I didn't know for how long, but I was hoping to get better fast enough. I knew that I had to be in this hospital, but I couldn't live there for the rest of my life though. 

After the nurse --whose name was Catherine-- showed me the room, she then led me to another room that was actually one of my therapists office. This time, I didn't play the complicated individual and answered his questions honestly. It was absolutely stupid and childish of me to lie to them at this point. I was there to get help after all.  

At the end of the session, Dr. Kaynes prescribed me antidepressants to help me to reduce my symptoms. It won't cure my depression, but hopefully will relieve my symptoms. So, it won't and can't make me forget about the problems that caused the depression, but it will help me to deal with them easier. I had to wait at least six weeks to see if the antidepressants he prescribed me took full effect and in case we don't feel like it relieved any symptoms and/or began to cause side effects that would bother me, we had to try another one.

But for now, I had to take those every morning for the next six weeks. 

•10/25 {Wednesday, 12:45 P.M}

Two weeks since I'd been in the mental institution and everything was going smoothly. I was now used to my new life schedule and I had less suicidal thoughts. Don't get it twist, it was still hard as the voice was still screaming die in my head, but it wasn't as loud as it was two weeks ago. And I still had my nightmares, but now I was starting to get through some nights without having any or just one nightmare, and it wasn't as frightening as before. Actually, now I could spend two peaceful nights a week, what allowed me to began to catch up on my hours of sleep. 

I wasn't too sure if I was really getting better though.

 I wanted to be a better me so bad, that maybe that progression was just a kind of temporary fantasy. I mean, maybe I was just trying to make myself feel like things were improving. Maybe I was just trying to reassure myself. It was a strange feeling that I was putting in the back of my head most of the time, but on some days it would come in full force and play with my mind, fears and insecurities. 

The life in the institution wasn't easy, but it wasn't totally hell either. Anyways, I was focusing on myself most of the time. But some nights though, it could get crazy around here. My neighbors and the others patients' crisis could be very scaring. During the night you could have one minute with a dead ass silence and then boom you're hearing piercing screeches from everywhere that snap you immediately to an instant alertness. You would think that they were torturing people here, but it wasn't the case at all. Well, actually those patients and myself were tortured, not by people but by our own mind. 

Since I was there, I witnessed three codes red in total. A patient got some drugs --only God knows where-- and tried to overdose. Another one suddenly lost it, and since we can't get any weapons here, he began to hit his head violently against the wall. The third code red was that woman who attacked a nurse. 

Sometimes, it felt a little like jail. 

But we were treated a bit better though. We had a nice all white uniform, mangeable and healthy meals, comfortable bed and every one had their own individual bathroom. The institution itself was very clean and white. There weren't rabid guards that were trying to make your life a living hell and neither deranged dudes that were trying to make you their next bitch. And the most important, there wasn't the hole.

Yes, it was definitely better than the prison.

"You're not eating ? " Marie asked smiling nicely at me. She was an old white lady that I met last week during activities time. She was kind and wasn't asking too many questions, what I appreciated. She was a loner like me. She didn't like to speak too much. Matter fact, she could go days without opening her mouth. The nurses were really surprised when they saw us talking. I kind of made it clear that I didn't want to make new friends here and she was rarely being sociable. I guess we were somewhat meant to be cool with each other. 

"I don't think they would let me go without putting some food in my stomach. What ? You want more sweet potatoes ? " She nodded her head yes, "Ask them then." She shook her head no this time and bowed her head. I sighed and raised my hand as a nurse came towards me, "She would like a second plate, please." I said pointing Marie.

"Of course, no problem." She took her plate and went to fill it. 

"See, it wasn't too hard." She smiled shyly, causing me to beam. I couldn't help though and wonder why she was here. She seemed like a very nice grandma and not like a troubled person. But hey, don't judge a book by its cover. 

"I'm going to get out of here soon." She let me know as I nodded my head.

"That's great. Are you happy to see your family again ? "

"Yes. I missed my grandchildren." She answered with her low tone of voice. She grinned and began to hum a song that I couldn't recognize. She was often doing that. 

A few seconds later, the nurse was finally coming back with Marie's plate, "Here. You don't like your food Mr.Willkingston ? Are you allergic to something ? "

"Oh no, I'm gonna eat, don't worry." Truth was that I wasn't hungry at all today and I would like to eat later on the day, but we had to respect the schedule. 

"Okay. But if you don't really have a big appetite, I can warm up some soup for you. Are you interested ? "

"Uh...yeah, please." 

"Alright, I'll be right back." She took my plate and left. I watched her and without warning my heart made a big jump in my chest as I suddenly saw Herica walking towards a table in the back. 

"What the hell..."

_________________________

Feel free to comment and/or to vote =)

•A/N: Did you expect Herica to be in the mental institute ? Who's proud of Dorian though ? 🙋🏾I know the story has been sad for the longest, but I promise the mood will be better in a couple of chapters. I really hope I'm not putting y'all into a depression with this book though 😩

THANKS FOR READING ! 💗

CissyItsMe  💋✌🏾❤️