~Los Angeles,

•09/18 {Thursday, 8:39 A.M}

~*~ Docia ~*~

***

•July 24th

"Auntie D, stop doing this to yourself. You're torturing your poor heart. Let's go outside." Ryver took my laptop and placed it on the coffee table. 

"I'm not torturing myself, Ry. I'm totally fine."

He shook his head, "No..." He sighed, "You're looking at those babies pictures for way too long. It's not healthy for your well-being." He bit on his bottom lip, "Are you going to adopt ? That's why you're..." He trailed off looking at me with those big brown eyes. 

"No...I'm not going to adopt, not now. I'm not ready for this."

"How old would he, uh, be now ? Uh, if you don't want to a-"

"Six. He would be six years old. Six on September eighteenth. He would be a big boy now. I would've liked to...see him go to school...and soon he would've been in high school, and then graduated and..." I stopped as a single tear fall and I let it run along my cheek. I was tired of wiping my tears away. 

He wrapped his arms around my body and hugged me tightly, "I love you auntie, you're the strongest woman I know, with my mom. I want to meet a girl like her or you, or a mix of you two." 

I let appear a little smile on my face, "Thank you, Ryver. You're so sweet, I love you too. But no girl until a very long time. You're too young to think about it anyways."

He chuckled, "C'mon now auntie, I'm a big boy ! " 

I gave him a chortle, "You're so silly. Don't try to grow up too fast, enjoy the beautiful years of innocence and recklessness. They are the best years of your life."

"But have I not already passed those years ? "

"Not totally. You're in your very last year, so enjoy it. Because very soon, you'll be a teenager and complaining about just everything wishing you were a kid again. And theeeeeeen, you'll be an adult and some days you'll live with this and even be happy and some other days you'll hate it."

"My grandma is always saying that the senior years are the best ones, because they're peaceful and that's the time where you finally understand almost all of your life lessons." This woman was high most of the time and she started smoking since her early sixties -now she was in her mid-seventies- so of course those years were the most peaceful of her life. And him who thought that he had passed the years of innocence and recklessness.

My smile got bigger, "Well, you'll see if she's right later." 

"Can't wait for the future." I opened my mouth to talk, "I know, I know ! I can't wait for the future, but I won't grow up too fast." 

Today was a day really special to me. Yes, special, but not positively special. It was a day I will remember for the rest of my life. A day that will never get out of my mind no matter what I'll do to try to forget it. A horrible day that changed the course of my life years ago and forever. A depressing day where a terrible accident happened. An accident that costed me the life of my baby. 

The day I lost my baby. 

***

"Dr.Khimona ! " I spanned out of my trance and stared at Dorian like I'd seen a ghost, "Are you okay ? " He asked with a little frown on his face. 

"Uh..." I didn't know what to say to be honest. I was not feeling good today. I wasn't fitting in my shoes. My mind was wandering somewhere else, far away from my body. My body was at a place and my mind was at another place. I didn't even know why I came to work, because it was so stupid. Stupid because I wasn't even focused. I couldn't focus on what was occurring around me. I should've stayed in my bed to allow myself to cry all the tears of my heart. If I still had some.

"We can stop there if you want to. You don't seem, uh, like yourself today."

"Uh..." I cleared my throat, "I know." I finger combed my hair. I didn't even take the time to really get it done. I just passed the comb like five times through it and then let it live. I didn't have makeup on either and my outfit wasn't screaming classy as usual, it was more like a stay at home outfit, "But uh...Uh, I wa-You-Were you saying something ? "

"No, not really. Not since we said our good mornings. It's been thirty minutes since we're sitting here, each one in our thoughts. I got off my trance about like five minutes ago. Do you want to talk about it ? "

I narrowed my eyes, "You're the patient here and I am th-"

"I know, I know. But you seem really off today. Usually, you would try to make conversation with me. Actually, I've been noticing your weird behavior since two months now. At first, I was like it's not my business, but now it's starting to get scary. What's going on ? "

"Nothing. I'm fine." I said as I could hear my voice cracking. I cleared my throat feeling the water coming, "Let's talk about you. Last time we-we-w-" I chocked on my words, "Excuse me." I stood up and ran to the bathroom locking the door behind me. 

"Dr.Khimona ! " 

I inhaled and exhaled trying to get my breath back to its normal rhythm. I slid against the wall as the tears finally came out and they didn't want to stop coming. I put my head in my hands, "No, no, no, no. Be strong." 

"Hey ! At least tell me that you're okay ! " He yelled banging on the door, "If you don't tell me that you're okay in a minute, I'm-"

"I'm okay, I'm okay." I managed to say through my cries. 

"No, you're not. I can hear it in your voice. C'mon, let me in. I'm worried about you. Very worried." Next thing I know, he found a way to enter in and now he was standing before me. 

I sniffed, "Don't look at me like that ! " I screamed wiping my eyes, even if it was actually unnecessary.

He sat next to me, "Let it go." He simply said before to wrap his arm over my shoulders and bringing me closer to him, letting me rest my head on his chest. 

It actually warmed my little heart. 

∫

∫

∫

"So..."

I turned my head towards him as I was eating my sandwich. I swallowed and then shrugged, "So what ? " I asked acting clueless. 

After my breakdown at the therapy session, Dorian and I came back to my house. I took off for the rest of the day and he didn't want to leave me alone because he was very worried as he said. So I had no other choice but to bring him here with me. The boy was really stubborn and insisted for awhile, he didn't want to let me go without tagging along, it was a big no for him. 

I changed in more comfortable clothes, put my hair in a messy bun and put on my slippers as he was waiting on me downstairs. After that, we went in the kitchen and made some sandwiches; two with cheese and two with salami. We then grabbed two sprites and went on my balcony to chill. 

It was weird to hang out with a patient, but honestly I didn't really care that much. 

He gave me a ''please'' glare, "Why were you crying ? "

"For no reason, I was just crying." I answered lying. 

"C'mon ! " He smacked his lips, "It's not healthy to hold everything in." He mocked me, I guess; "That's not what you were saying when we started those sessions ? " Effectively he was mocking me, "Get some weight off your shoulders. I won't repeat what you're gonna say to anybody. It's gonna stay between you and I." He encouraged as I let a heavy sigh escape my mouth. 

"It's too personal." 

"Sometimes it's good to talk to a stranger, right ? " He raised an eyebrow at me. Was I really about to do this ? Why would I confess my deepest fears, thoughts and emotions to him ? He never did this before with me, so why should I ? Plus, between us I was the therapist not him. But in fact, are we all not some therapists ? Because you don't necessary need to have a diploma to give some advice, comfort someone and share some knowledge actually. 

You can even learn interesting lessons from the dumbest people out there. 

"I lost a child." I mumbled as I felt tears coming once again. I couldn't believe that I still had some after all that crying I've already been doing these past few weeks.

"I'm not sure, but did you say that you lost a child ? " He asked for clarification.

I nodded closing my eyes, attempting to prevent myself to break down a second time on this special day. My baby would've been celebrating his sixth birthday today and it was bittersweet to know that he wasn't there anymore so we could've done something to enjoy the day, his day. I would've liked to be able to organize a birthday party for him. He would've invited his classmates and they would have fun all day. At a moment, we would've stopped everything to sing the famous Happy Birthday song to him and he would've liked it. Thinking about it all gave me chills down my spine. I felt this knife stabbing my heart again, again and over again.

I wanted to die.

"Uh..." He nervously and uncomfortably scratched the back of his neck, "I'm sorry. If I knew, uh, I wouldn't have insisted and uh, I don't know what...else...to, uh, say. I'm sorry." 

I opened my eyes and looked at him as we made eye contact, "It's not your fault. You didn't kill him. No, my ex-husband did." 

He slightly frowned, "Why ? " I could hear some type of anger in his voice. It seemed like his eyes even got darker. Is he really concerned ? Why ?

"Things weren't going too well in our marriage, to the point where I warned him that I was going to take our son with me and that we were going to leave him. He had to get his shit together or else I was leaving and taking my baby with me."

"I'm not on his side, but that's a thing you don't say to an involved father." 

"Well, if he wasn't letting the alcohol-" I paused, "Why am I even telling you all of this ? This is not your business." 

"But you started, so you might as well finish the story. He became an alcoholic, huh ? That's why you warned him about your leaving, plus it's normal and fair enough that you were gonna take your son with you, the kid couldn't stay with a dangerous man, father or not. So what then ? He got angry and decided to..." He trailed off waiting for me to continue the story. 

For some reason, words kept getting out of my mouth like vomit; "He wasn't having it. He picked our son up from daycare earlier than usual and..." I sighed remembering the day as if it happened just yesterday, "Can we talk about something else, please ? It's still too painful."

"Of course." He cleared his throat, "Well, uh, since you opened up to me-"

"Don't feel obliged, Dorian. Whatever is weighting on your heart must be something that is still injuring your heart and mind heavily and maybe talking about it won't help you to relax and feel better about yourself, but be even more hurtful. You'll talk when you'll be ready to truly talk and...accept your past." 

He bowed his head and began to play with his fingers that were resting on his lap, "That's the thing, I think that I'll never accept that part of my past. I'm too ashamed and I will regret this action for the rest of my life. I will never forgive my-" He stopped mid-sentence and shook his head. 

I placed my hand on his shoulder, "When you'll be ready, Dorian." 

He looked up at me and chuckled dryly, "You're something else, do you know that ? I feel like you're always trying to play with my mind. First, you want me to open up so I can feel better and now you're telling me to wait until I'm ready. What are you trynna do, Dr. Khimona ? "

I shrugged and smiled, "I don't even know anymore, to be honest. Dorian, you are soooooooo complicated. Yes, a really complicated individual. I don't even know what I'm doing with you anymore. You're confusing me most of the time.  I'd never had a patient like you before. At first though, I thought that I got it, but...I'm confused now. And with all of this shit on my mind, it doesn't make things easier. Your PO said that he was proud that you finally started to take those therapy sessions seriously though." Since day one, Dorian had never confessed something, but just the fact that he was speaking now was doing enough for his PO. 

He laughed a little, "I know I'm complicated, it's nothing new."

________________________________

Feel free to comment and/or to vote =)

•A/N: Here the second update of the day, hope you enjoyed ! What do you think about Docia and Dorian though ? 

PS: Don't forget to always look at the date in the beginning of every chapter ❗️It's very important ❗️

THANKS FOR READING ! 💗

HAPPY HOLIDAYS ! 💞

CissyItsMe 💋✌🏾❤️