5

Elle

"We cannot buy this house."

"You had to know it was going to be expensive. We're in London, Elle."

"I knew it was going to be expensive, but I didn't think it was going to be this expensive."

"Elle it's—"

"It's just under two million pounds. That's over two and a half million dollars." Saying the number out loud made my head spin, and I stuck it in my hands in an attempt to grasp reality. "We are not spending that much money on a house."

He began gesturing with his hands, but I kept my eyes cast down at the paperwork between us. "Elle, I'm sorry I kept Ben from listing the prices when he sent them to us, but I knew that you wouldn't be interested in looking at any of them if you knew the cost."

"This is a bad idea. We're rushing things and this is a bad idea." I looked up at him, shaking my head.

Jude's mouth opened and closed, clearly wanting to say something, but not knowing what; we'd suddenly found ourselves spiraling out of control. After nearly a minute of silence, he got the words out. "How much do you think I paid for my current house?"

"I have no idea. I can tell you though that a number like this would have never crossed my mind."

He leaned forward, took hold of my hands, and pulled them so they rested in his between us. "I had Ben appraise it last week; it'll easily go for anywhere between 1.5 and 1.7. I paid for that place outright, which means every cent I make in return can go towards our new home. If you think of it like that, this place is less than 200,000."

"Maybe..." He was going to hate what I was about to say. "Maybe you should buy it, Jude."

His brows came together. "No, Elle. We're supposed to do this together."

"There's no way with my salary on the table the bank is going to give us enough of loan to purchase it. You should just buy it, and then I can give you money every month, as if I were paying part of the mortgage."

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" His dark eyes grew wide as his head jutted forward. "I'll not have you paying me rent for the home we're building together. I've already called the bank; my income is enough to get us more than we'd ever need to get this house."

But as I put the pieces together, it just didn't make sense to take out a mortgage on something he could easily own, and my head shook back and forth. "You need to buy it, and I need to feel like I'm contributing. If we take out a mortgage, then we're paying back interest that doesn't need to be paid if you can purchase it with the money you make from selling your current place."

His lips pursed together and he looked down at the papers. He knew I was right; he knew it didn't make sense for us to be paying more than we needed to for something if he could pay it off all at once. But there was something more I needed to say. Rip the bandaid off.

"Jude?"

"Yes, love?" There was the edge of defeat in his voice.

"I...we have to be honest with each other. Even when it's hard. I'd be lying to you if I said I had no reservations about this. Sure, when we were touring the house this afternoon, it was wonderful and I could see us living there for years and years to come, but there's a small hesitation in me. Don't, please don't get mad," I softened my eyes, hoping beyond hope for him to understand, "but, what if this...what if we don't figure this out? I...I would rather us not have to fight over the house and finances should we, well, go our separate ways."

"Elle," his gaze dropped from mine, "I'm not thinking about what's going to happen if this doesn't work."

"But I am; I can't help but approach this from all angles. Please, Jude, this is going to end up being easier all the way around. If you don't want me to pay you back anything towards the house, then I can pick up some of the bills or the food or something. I just...I need to feel like I'm contributing, like I'm bringing something of value to our relationship."

"Do you think your love has no value?" Jude stood from his seat, came over to mine, and held his hand out. I took it, and he pulled me up into him, his arms wrapping tightly around me. "I love you. I want nothing more than for this to work; you know that. I messed up, Elle. I ruined everything, and though it's hard, I can understand your concerns and your hesitations. I'll call the bank on Monday and sort everything out. I just want to make you happy, darling."

The tear in my heart grew a little more. "I want you to be happy, too."

His chest decompressed. "I'm always happy when you're in my life, love. Always." His lips came down onto the top of my head, and I felt so much love and pain and guilt that I wasn't quite sure just how I was supposed to handle all of those feelings at once.

***

Jude left shortly after we came to some sort of agreement on the purchase of that house in Dulwich. My first individual session with Lisa was the following morning, and I couldn't have been more relieved that I was going to have someone help me sift through all of the conflicting thoughts that were piling up in my head.

Rather than have her come to my apartment again, I took the train downtown and let the last year of my life in London run through my mind. I had no idea where Lisa would want to start, but familiarizing myself with the whole of mine and Jude's history seemed like something I should do.

The office space Lisa worked out of in the city was anything but the cold and clinical offices mental health professionals are always thought to be in; her office walls were coated in a warm lilac, and soft notes of blue decor popped here and there. But I could no longer see any shade of the color blue without thinking of Jude's dark eyes; even staring at my own reflection reminded me of him.

I expected there to be a couch where I would lie down and recount stories of my childhood that would somehow lead to Lisa discovering something deep within my mind that would fix all of mine and Jude's problems. Of course, it didn't go anything like that. Instead, it started with a simple question.

"What do you want to talk about today?"

"Oh, um, I choose what we talk about?" I asked.

She smiled, and Jude was right; she had a grandmotherly quality about her that could put anyone at ease. "Of course you do, dear."

"I see. Well, uh, I'm still feeling very confused. I...you're probably going to think we're crazy, but Jude and I are going to move in together. Money has always been the thing that divides us so clearly, and I love that he wants to provide for me and take care of me, but I have goals in life, too. I...I never want him to think I'm ungrateful, because that's not it at all. Sorry. I think I'm rambling."

"This is the place to do it. Let's start here: how did your parents handle money?"

Easy. "They both worked full-time. Mom and dad split the expenses evenly, which is how I always sort of thought things would be with my partner. But Jude, well, Jude makes more than I could ever even imagine making."

"Are you open to changing how you've always thought your life was going to be?"

"I'm afraid you've just opened Pandora's Box, Lisa." The first half of our session quickly turned from discussing money to discussing my relationship with Luke, the catastrophic ending of it, and the complete shift in my once set-in-stone life plan.

"You waited a year to be with someone after your first, and only, serious relationship, and that was really key. That time allowed you to grow and accept that things weren't necessarily going to be how you planned them out. You should be proud that you gave yourself that time and didn't rush into something."

"Sure, but then I met Jude and I fell in love with him so quickly. He's so caring and kind and generous and yet I was always jumping to these insane conclusions regarding him throughout the beginning of our relationship. People have always said that if something seems too good to be true, it must be; I was terrified Jude was too good to be true and I questioned him again and again. I don't know where he gets his patience from, but he was more patient with me than I could have ever been with someone."

"You don't think you have any patience?"

A hot wave of discomfort came over me. "I...I was always looking for him to do something wrong, and rather than hear him out sometimes, I shut him out. I don't know why; I know that was unfair to him."

"Well now, that's not too difficult to understand. You'd had what you pictured to be your perfect future destroyed by someone you trusted. Then you fell in love with someone new so quickly that you didn't have time to build up the trust needed for a successful relationship. And by the time you did—"

"Jude had to leave for Sydney. And in Sydney he..." you can do this, Elle, "in Sydney he forgot about everything we built." My eyes felt unusually dry; did that mean I was over it?

"Only you know what's best for you. All I can do is try to help you figure out what that is."

I let her words sink into my mind. "I want to be with him, I really do. Things just feel so hard sometimes."

"As they should. This isn't going to be easy, my dear. A good relationship needs two things: good communication and trust. The two of you are having to work on both at the same time. I want to help the two of you be happy, and whether that is with each other or by yourselves or even with someone new is something only you two can decide."

And that was when my own little experiment popped into my head. "Can I ask you something?"

"Ask away."

"Do you have grandchildren?"

"Nine of them." She beamed proudly.

"Any girls?"

"All but one."

I took a moment to fill my lungs. "If the boyfriend of one of your granddaughters did what Jude did...if he brought another woman into his home and nearly crossed the line, what would you tell her?"

She leaned forward in her seat and looked directly into my eyes. "I'd tell her to ignore whatever anyone else told her to do. I'd tell her to do what made her happy because her happiness was the only one that mattered."

***

I left Lisa's office that afternoon feeling slightly more settled in my mind than I had since returning to London, so if nothing else, that was a tiny win in the sanity department for me.

That week at work, I felt a lot less stress regarding my relationship than usual, too. But that may have been because my birthday was at the end of the week. Rather than focus on anything negative going on with Jude, I was able to put all of my energy into trying to figure out what Lily was planning. She was up to something; I could feel it. I so badly wanted to steal her phone and find out what she was doing, but Lily had never done anything to shake my trust in her, and I had to just let whatever was going to happen, happen. She'd make sure it would regardless of any interference on my end.

The day before my birthday, as I was walking back to my apartment, my screen lit up with the the photo of me and Jude at the top of the Eiffel Tower; it felt like it had been years since that trip.

"Hi, Jude."

"Hullo, love." His voice was thick with exhaustion.

"Everything alright? It's only six o'clock; you shouldn't be so tired."

"Everything's alright. Just driving around and wanted to give you a ring."

"Where ya going?"

"Home. I had some, erm, errands to run."

That was clearly a lie, but I figured he'd just done something for my birthday and I wasn't going to make it awkward.

"Oh. I'm nearly back at my apartment. Train was a little late today."

"You excited for your birthday tomorrow?"

"I guess? Every year now just feels like one year closer to thirty."

"Hey now, thirty's not too bad."

"You should know. You've gone beyond it now." I imagined him rolling his eyes.

"Are you calling me old, love?" And then I could see the tug of a smile on his lips.

"I mean, technically, you're five years older than me right now. Pretty scandalous."

"Yes, five years older for just six more hours."

"Fifteen, actually. I was born at 9:03 in the morning."

The smallest of laughs escaped him. "Doesn't surprise me one bit that you know the exact time you were born."

By that time I was turning my key in the door. "Well it doesn't surprise me one bit that you don't know yours. I just walked in, and Lily is already waving a spatula at me. I'll talk to you later."

"Goodnight, love. Enjoy your last night of twenty-six. I love you."

"Love you too."

Lily began making fake vomiting sounds in between mimicking my voice chanting 'love you too.'

"Ha-ha. Very funny, Lil. What gives with the spatula?" I set my work bag down and joined her.

"Making a roux."

"A what?"

"A roux. It's this mixture of flour and, you know what, it doesn't matter. It's the base for the mac and cheese I'm making for dinner. Wanted to end the previous year of your life with a fuck-ton of carbs. Yay, pasta!"

"Um, you're like, the best."

"Psh, don't you forget it. I don't see a certain curly-haired, completely undeservin—"

"LILY."

"Fine. A curly-haired, kinda undeserving, boyfriend of yours over here making you the best fucking mac and cheese in the world, but hey, I'm just saying." She scraped at the pan again with her spatula.

"I love you, Lily, I really do, but you need to turn it down a notch." I clasped a hand on her shoulder quickly before retreating to my room to change out of my work clothes.

But at the end of the day, Lily had been right; she'd made the best mac and cheese I'd ever had, and while I normally hated when she was right, that time I was perfectly okay with it.

***

The next morning, I spent a little extra time picking out an outfit and getting ready. I wanted to feel, I don't know, a little more put together than normal. It was the first day of my last year in what I could call my mid-twenties. I mean, was it technically the first year of my late-twenties? Maybe. But I wasn't ready for that. I wanted to welcome the year with a fresh start.

I hadn't even had time to set my bag down before my office door was pushed all the way open, a beaming Lara holding a single cupcake with a lit candle in it standing in the doorway.

"Happy birthday!" She came around my desk and held the cupcake out to me. "Make a wish!"

I had so many things to wish for that a drop of wax dripped onto the icing, so I sped up my wish and blew out the candle. "Thanks, Lar." As she placed it in my hands, I noticed the dots of color poking out of the cake. "Is, is this funfetti?"

"Sure is, love! I remembered you mentioning how your mom always made it for your birthday."

It was in that moment that my face grew all contorted with emotion. "Lar, I—"

"Don't! Don't cry. You'll make me weepy. Now, be a good birthday girl and eat your cake."

I smiled at her, and she reached forward and hugged me. "See you at lunch, Elle."

"See you. Thanks again!"

I literally waited zero seconds to eat my cupcake. The moment I tossed the candle, I devoured it, and it was just as delicious as every funfetti cake mom had ever made for me.

Work had been light that week. The manuscripts I'd been given had been so good that I blazed through them early on, and I was able to spend the latter of my work week getting ahead on future projects. As I was composing an email to one of our authors, a soft knock on my door broke my concentration.

"Come in."

The door slowly worked its way open to reveal not just any dark-eyed, curly-haired gentleman, by my dark-eyed, curly-haired gentleman.

"Jude Anderson, what brings you here at," I looked above him to the clock over my door; that was when when my heart fluttered, "9:03?"

"Wouldn't miss the moment you were brought into this world twenty-seven years ago for anything, love."

We met in a tangle of arms in the middle of my office. I hadn't noticed the flowers he was holding until his long arms unwrapped themselves from me. They were like nothing I'd ever seen before, bright magenta clusters spilling over the edge of the wrapping they were in. He placed them in my hands.

"These are beautiful, Jude. I, I don't think I've seen these before. What are they?"

"They're called Bougainvillea. In some parts of Italy, they cover the buildings like vines. I thought they were a nice change up." This sheepish smile pulled on his face and I wanted nothing more than to kiss the life out of him.

"I love them. Thank you."

He dipped his head towards mine and left a soft kiss on my lips. "Have a good day at work, love." And with that he turned out of my office.

"Wait! Will I see you later?"

He shrugged his shoulders, but the tightness in his mouth told me he was trying to conceal a smile.

"I love you, Mr. Anderson."

The narrowing of his eyes made my knees weak. "Better watch that, love. You know who'll win that game." And then he winked at me before slipping out of my office, and fucking hell it took everything in me not to run after him.

***

I left work that day with my Bougainvillea in hand and a smile on my lips. Twenty-seven was starting off swimmingly. As I approached our front door, I knew it was only a matter of seconds before I'd find out what Lily had planned, but honestly, so long as she didn't send Jude to the hospital with a broken nose, I'd consider whatever she had going on a success.

A/N: Hi!

Please comment song suggestions here!

How are you? I'm doing pretty well (aside from literally catching one cold after the other since 2018 started). Life has been moving incredibly fast, and I too have recently celebrated a birthday (and, yes, my mom made funfetti cake 😂 shout-out to BelleChamps for assuring me that funfetti is also a thing in England lol).

I hope you are having a wonderful 2018. I love you all, and I hope you'll vote and comment and chat with me. You know what I sometimes wonder? Do my readers who don't vote dislike the chapter? Or is it just that they don't feel like voting? Obviously, it's totally up to you whether you tap that little star, but when my chapter has over 1k reads and only ~150 votes, I'm left wondering, "well, damn...does that mean they didn't like it?" Maybe I'm just an over thinker (but you already knew that 😉).

Have a lovely weekend!

-L

Ps. I may need to go back to Sunday updates...just letting you know. Pls don't revolt 😳 if I were getting paid for this, it'd be one thing, but I'm literally just spending hours after work every week writing and sometimes it's quite exhausting. I'll still try to post often on Instagram! Ok, ramble over. Love you!