Okay [TRIGGER WARNING]:

(Unfortunately I did not see a way Skylar could fit in here, the timelines and everything. So I kind of changed that part up a bit. I hope you don't mind!!! <3)

A long month of terror and fear rang fresh in their minds as the ocean waves were crashing against the shore beneath their ship. This isn't what they wanted. This isn't what was supposed to happen. It wasn't supposed to go this way, in fact it was supposed to go the exact opposite of how it did. It wasn't okay.

That single word.

The videos, they were all too fresh and horrific in his mind. The maniacal laughter as his lover's cries echoed the dark room in who knows where. They videos came twice a day, and the pictures even more so. It wasn't okay. It wasn't supposed to go this way at all.

"He is not okay Nya!" Kai screamed with such ferocity that the constant underlying fear of combustion was on everyone's mind, "He is out there suffering and you're telling me we don't have a tracker on him! That is not okay!"

There was that word again.

"Kai," Zane attempted to soothe the clearly terrified fire ninja by placing a cool hand on the other's shoulder, but as quickly as Zane's hand went onto Kai's shoulder it came off. He gasped a bit, looking at his hand as internally warnings went off as his hand had just experienced such immense heat it threatened its hard-drive. The white ninja looked around at the others, the blue one holding Nya close and the black one eyeing the red one before looking at the ice ninja.

This was his fault. If only he hadn't stormed off so quickly when his advances towards Lloyd were quickly shut down. It wasn't right of him to throw a hissy fit when he didn't get his way. It was not okay.

But nothing seemed to be okay anymore.

Not after he and Lloyd had taken a break. Nothing was okay when Kai started feeling that emptiness and yearning again. He had messed up big time, accusing his best friend and boyfriend, ex-boyfriend now, of a lack of commitment or trust or whatever. He honestly hadn't remembered now important details of that night. He did his best to block it out but he just couldn't. He couldn't block out the hurt in Lloyd's eyes. The pain he surely felt. The guilt he must carry over his head. He couldn't stand to think of what Lloyd had gone through there. He really couldn't or else he would break into tears. He could barely keep it together when Lloyd was gone.

The green ninja could probably tell once he had arrived home. The pain Kai was going through himself. He could tell when he came home to find a new gaming system in the room that smelled of smoke. Lloyd could tell when he came home to find all their training equipment in a small box, the ashes still loose on the deck. The destined one could tell by seeing brand new sheets on the bed, replacing the ones they had chosen together when they moved into the same room; only on the weekends of course.

Kai was not well. The absence of Lloyd was visibly taking a toll on his body; he had barely eaten or slept. He was pouring everything he had into intensive research on any and every tip he had about Lloyd's whereabouts. He had traced them back to those who had provided the tips, returned to the Bounty, and then proceeded to attempt to go out to see the same person as he forgot what he had just done. The others would stop him, thankfully, before he walked out the door. He would then proceed to scream at them and set yet another thing on fire.

His skin was so pale it challenged the white of Zane's ninja suit, his eyes bloodshot and his hair matted down by his lack of care. He had barely showered, and when he did it was never for more than five minutes, a thought sprinting through his mind and he would run to write it down. He wouldn't remember, unfortunately, and he would proceed to yell and set a couple small things on fire here and there.

He had messed up so bad, he didn't deserve what he had.

His tantrums only got worse when the first video came. It still echoes in his head, the first scream. It rings through his head at random times in the day and it sends chills down his spine. They weren't the good chills he got when Lloyd would run his hands along Kai's chest when they were making out. They weren't the chills he got when he would wake up in the middle of the night and hear Lloyd's light breathing beside him. They were the chills he got when he killed his first living thing back when he became a ninja. They were the chills he got when he got word of his parents death.

He remembers seeing the blood on the knife, the ground, the hands of the one holding Lloyd captive. He remembers seeing the bruises and cuts along Lloyd's shirtless body tied to the chair. He remembers seeing Lloyd for the first time in days and thanking the gods that he was alive, but swearing the god at the pain he was going through. He would scream at the videos in a desperate attempt to free Lloyd, almost like if he screamed loud enough he would wake up from this nightmare.

He remembers the pictures too, the pictures were horrible. Worse than the videos. Kai could see the hurt in Lloyd's eyes in every picture. He remembers the close ups of Lloyd's chest he would get, the cuts and cashed and bruises. He would give anything to have switched places with Lloyd, he did deserve it more than the green ninja did. But he knew why it was happening to Lloyd and not Kai. Because it was more painful for Kai to see and not be able to do anything than to experience it.

He didn't deserve to hear the breathing in the quiet room.

Kai would never know what the others saw, what Cole specifically saw. The Earth ninja could never admit to seeing Kai cry late at night when he reviewed the videos over and over again, hearing Lloyd's begs and cries for him. For Kai. He could never bring himself to tell Kai that he saw the cuts Kai brought upon himself in an attempt to feel what Lloyd was feeling. He wouldn't ever let Kai know that he saw the way Kai cut his skin, how he cut from his wrist down to his elbow just wanting to end his own suffering. How Kai just wasn't okay.

Jay would never let Kai know how he snuck protein packets into Kai's water so he would get the protein he needed. He wouldn't ever let Kai know how he defended his actions during late night fights with Nya. Kai would never know how Jay would wait for when Kai literally passed out to go and clean his cuts and do the best he could to make sure he slept soundly. Kai would never find out how he had woken up in his bed with the covers pulled up and the blinds closed when he vividly remembers falling asleep in the Bridge. How Kai never was okay.

Zane would never tell Kai about how he would cook special meals in an attempt to bring Kai from his room, or how he always cooked plenty of extras and left them outside Kai's door for the red ninja to eat them when he wished. Kai wouldn't know how every meal Zane prepared he made sure it tasted just as good cold as it did warm. Kai wouldn't know how Zane went into the Bridge late at night when he knew Kai was asleep and transfer the videos and pictures from the Bounty's hard-drive and into his own in an attempt to make sure Kai wouldn't go back to them unless absolutely necessary. To which the red ninja would find, to Zane at least, a funny image of the white ninja and the sentence, "I have obtained them," above it. How Kai would never be okay.

Nya would never let Kai know how hard she saw him try, keeping it together the best he could for her. She wouldn't let him know how she saw him hold the blade to his skin so many times, but saw the pure terror and vulnerability in his eyes as he lowered it to the ground. He wouldn't never know how she saw him cry himself to sleep on the nights he decided to sleep, how he would hug his old childhood stuffed teddy bear to his chest in an attempt to go back in time to a time when everything was okay .

He didn't deserve to be holding the wounded but alive green ninja in his arms, to hear him speak softly in his sleep at night  

Lloyd would never know the way Kai looked at him from across the room, the complete adoration that was in his eyes the whole time. He would never know how Kai cherished heir first kiss, their first fight as boyfriends, their first everything. Kai would never tell him how much he didn't feel he deserved him, especially when he was yelling at the boy to just keep fighting . Kai would never tell him, how we just watched him sleep sometimes after long days of battle or training, just amazed by his every feature and how lucky he was to have him  

And as long as he could keep fighting by Lloyd's side, Kai was finally okay with not being okay.