Vote - Comment - Share (You don't have to but please do, I'd really appreciate it!)

- - - -

- - - -

evangeline blackwood

"Evan?" The pity in my Dad's eyes is too much. I can't look at him.

Without blinking, I'm at the dining table and there's food shoved in front of me and the smell of it upsets my stomach. I don't know what to say or do and I'm looking at the food on the plate and I don't want to be near it, I don't want to be near anyone.

I just want it to stop.

I just want everything to stop.

I blink and Michael's in front of me.

Sleep, and Morgan's cries don't halt.

Blink, Logan.

Dream. Morgan. Atlas. Ashanti. Adonis. Jonah. Dead.

One of my Mum's touches my shoulder and I flinch and there's pity again. That sad, miserable fucking look that I can't bare to meet.

"Doctors said you need to stay in the chair for a few days just while your stitches heal so I'll bring all your blankets down an-" She cuts herself off as I stand up, ignoring her words. "Evangal-"

I'm moving past her and going to the stairs as she speaks.

"Evangeline Tallulah Blackwood, I swear to-" She cuts herself off and I can't help but think it's because my Mum grabbed her hand. "You've got meds that you need to take with food, if you're going to insist on ignoring the doctors then please just listen to this."

I just keep walking.

--------------

Morgan's gone. Morgan's gone. Morgan's gone.

Ashanti's voice, them two words.

They won't fucking leave.

--------------

"Don't take too long, Darlin'. I'll miss you too much."

Where are you, Morgs? Why did it have to be you?

--------------

"Please, Evan. You need to eat."

It goes through one ear and out the other.

"We're worried about you." My Dad adds, "The funeral's tomorrow."

"Darling? Please just speak to us or at least say something." Mum begs but I can't.

She doesn't understand.

It wasn't just Morgan who died that day.

--------------

There's blood in my throat.

I can't breathe.

It's everywhere.

I can't

See

I can feel it

Again.

All of it.

The blood

On my stomach. On my hands.

Like a river.

It's still there.

Why won't it go?

I can't do this anymore.

How am I still here and Morgan's gone?

--------------

It should have been me.

--------------

"Sis?" Atlas's small voice breaks through the silence. "I know you're not well and Mum's said to leave you alone for a while but I miss you."

I don't move my eyes off the ceiling but I can hear him moving closer to me, climbing on my bed until he's next to me.

"I'm sorry you're sad. I don't like it when you're sad." He says quietly. "I miss you. It isn't the same without you getting me from school. Dad tries but he doesn't really get it. No one does."

"I wish I could make this better for you. None of them would tell me what's wrong but people talk in school. Is it true? That Morgan's...gone?"

I swallow the lump in my throat.

"I know you're hurting. My teacher was trying to tell us not to be scared but she kept looking at me and don't tell Mum but I went on her laptop and I googled Jonah."

My breathing halts and tears embrace my cheeks. Atlas snuggles closer to me, grabbing my hand.

"I wish I remembered him. But I don't and it still hurts. It's hurting you, still. It always has, hasn't it? But it will get better, that's what my teacher said. It gets easier."

Your teacher's a liar.

It doesn't get better or easier.

You just get used to the pain.

--------------

He's on the floor and Michael's stood over him. The blue, Puma hoodie is now red, like the pavement. Why isn't Jonah getting up? No, no, no, no.

Jonah, get up. I want to scream. But I can't. There's something in my throat stopping me from screaming and I can't breathe.

Blink and Michael's staring at me

Sleep: Jonah's open casket.

Blink: Logan promising to never hurt me.

It's all lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies.

I hate him.

I hate them all so fucking much.

--------------

"Evan? C'mon, please." Ashanti is on the other side of the room, sat leaning with back against the wall.

I'm lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I can't drag myself out, I can't find the will to speak.

"It hurts for me too, man. And you're sat here and I know it's worse for you but we need each other. It's just us now."

Logan snaked us. He chose to do what he did.

"And Morgan."

Her voice breaks, cracks in a million shards of memories that we lived together and those that we'll never get to live.

"Morgan's gone. That's not going to change. He wouldn't want you like this, he'd want you to look after yourself."

"Please, Ev. I lost Morgan and Logan. Please, I can't lose you too."

--------------

Apollo's out of hospital. Has been for a few weeks apparently.

They've only just told me.

He's going to be alright, Dad told me.

At least he's okay.

--------------

Logan pleaded guilty. Logan got 6 years. Has to serve 4.

4 years. That's what my life is worth.

Michael pleaded not guilty.

There's going to be a trial. 8 months. They want me to grass, want me to tell them that he assisted, want me to tell them that he killed Jonah. They don't know  that I saw it. My Mum's don't know that.

Morgan knew that. Morgan's dead.

People just need to stay away from me and I need to keep my mouth shut.

I won't let anybody else die because of me.

--------------

Another nightmare, another early morning waking up screaming.

--------------

I pretend to be asleep as I hear all my parents talking in hushes whispers.

They don't know I hear them every night, when they come in to check I'm still breathing. But tonight, I can hear the sound of my Mum sniffling.

"I'm sorry." She whispers, and the sound of shuffling tells me that someone's hugging her. Probably Cami.

"Don't apologise." My Dad says lowly but firm.

"I dreamed about them both last night." Jace begins, voice barely above a whisper. "I woke up and thought everything was normal. But it's not. He's never coming back and she'll never recover from this."

"I know." Cami says softly, "We just need to look after her now."

"Cam, we promised ourselves that our children will never go through the pain we did." My Mums voice breaks.

My stomach sinks to the soles of my feet and I have to clench my eyes shut to stop the tears.

I want to speak up, speak out. Tell them that this isn't their fault, it isn't their fault I'm so fucked up. But I don't.

I don't.

I stay silent, mouth zipped shut.

--------------

I'm sat up but I'm not looking at him, I can't.

"I don't know why I'm here. To apologise? I guess." Phoenix hesitates, "How I've spoken to you in the past was unjustified, I get that you was only trying to help. I'm sorry for not realising that sooner."

"I can't speak to Donnie or Rory. Rory's just doing what she always does, ignoring the problem until it goes away. Donnie's gone a bit like you, won't leave his room or eat. Dad's worried, Mum's stuck around and keeps trying to speak to us."

"I'm falling apart. When Donnie gets like this, he drinks. When Apollo does, he just goes to the gym 24/7. I usually starve." If we would've had this conversation before, I would have been shocked at his bluntness and even comforted him, telling him that I was proud of him for talking about it.

I don't know why I can't get the words out.

"Dad still makes us all eat dinner together, acting as if he isn't secretly staring at me. But I don't know what to say or do anymore, Evan. I'm looking at the food on my plate and every single day it's getting harder to force it down."

"You're really strong, you know. I get you're not talking or leaving your room but I don't even know how you're functioning. You lost your brother and two of your closest friends. I couldn't do it."

He's staring at the picture of me, Morgan and Adonis on the wall. "I can't stop thinking that all this is just a dream and I'm going to wake up and tell him about it and Morgan will laugh and joke about how I love him really, despite constantly denying it. Literally, my hearts just broken, man. He's the best sort of person to be around. He's always laughing and singing, not got an off button. You know, he was my best mate and my brother all in one. No matter if he was Donnie's mate first, we were still family. He's been there my entire life. I never even imagined that we'd be going through this, especially with Morgan. Everyone loves him, he's a joker."

"It's weird, you know." He sniffles, "He's not there to run into my room screaming at me to wake up, or sat at the dining table eating the last of the cereal or making sure I'm okay if I look like shit. Morgan's been there for as long as I can remember and now he's just...not."

Phoenix gets up and walks to the door before freezing.

Within a second, he's back in front of me and his arms embrace me. He stays still for a second before pulling away and kissing my forehead.

"When you're feeling better, call us. Please. We all need each other, especially now." He holds my cheek, our eyes meet.

He looks so much like Adonis. I've never noticed it before.

"I hope that bastard suffers for what he's done to you, Ev, I really do." 

Confession: I'm barely hanging on.