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evangeline blackwood

My heart was racing inside my chest. "No."

"Evan, Apollo and Morgan have been stabbed. They don't know whether they'll make it through the night."

"Shut up." I snapped, "Shut up, shut up, shut up! They-"

"Eva-"

My shouting how woken my Dad up, I saw my Mum tell him what had happened through my peripheral vision.

"No, shut up!" I pulled my arms up, ripping out the IV and the other needles stuck into random areas. "What about Dee? Where are they? No, no, no, no. Just let me go home. I don't want to be here."

"EVAN." My dad shouts, slamming his hands on the bedside table. I flinch back but still entirely. "Baby girl, I know you're hurting and I know you're upset but please just stop freaking out."

I whimper, "Where's Dee?"

"They brought him in with them. He was awake." Ashanti explains. "They went after Michael Jacobsen."

"No, no, no, no." I let out between my uncontrollable sobs. My heart is clenching in my chest, the pain spreading until my head is banging.

The nurses rush in once I start screaming, messing about with my IV.

Everything slows down and I let the darkness consume me.

--------

The feeling of my nails digging into my wrists were my only source of comfort in a place that was made for those who are dying. My Dad was pacing, his teeth gnawing on his lip unconsciously. My Mum was sat down near him, uncertainty and fear embedding her usually calm features, the bags under her eyes so bluntly reminding me of the pain in my stomach.

Ashanti's head was bent between her knees, her shoulders shaking slightly as she attempted to hide her tears. She had attempted to see Morgan herself, but they wouldn't let anyone other than Adonis and Mr Jackson in to see him. He looked bad though, she said, he still hasn't regained consciousness.

Jace still hasn't arrived, while both of Adonis's parents and Morgan's dad had come to check how I was feeling. Nurses had come and gone over the past few hours, telling me I could leave in a few days. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I wouldn't be leaving until Morgan and Apollo could leave with me.

Without warning, Ashanti stands up and leaves the room.

Looking down at my hands, I see little drops of blood oozing from where my nails had cut into my skin. The callous smell of blood was still engraved into my senses from that day, regardless of the time that had passed. It's still there. Staining my skin; staining my clothes.

My Dad had stopped pacing. He slid his hand into mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. His hands were more calloused than Adonis' and Morgan's, it did little to comfort me as tears burned my cheeks. I just wanted them here, next to me, safe. Apollo needed to know what had gone on with Logan, he didn't deserve to get dragged into my battles. None of them did.

"Baby girl," I didn't look up at him, so he tugs on my hand harder until my eyes finally raise to meet his. "They'll be okay."

I hate looking at his eyes.

How fucked up is that?

It's just Jonah. All I see is my brother and I know he's trying to comfort me but all I can see is that concrete covered in crimson red blood and blue to red and Michael.

It all comes back to him.

My Dad can tell me forever that they're going to be okay but I know it isn't set in stone. Them green eyes tell me just that. You can't play with people's lives.

'Shanti walks back in not long after, her braids are now tied into a high ponytail and her eyes are practically stained red.

"Apollo's awake, Phoenix and Amelia are with him. He said to tell you that he's so sorry." She sniffs, an air bubble altering her voice. "Morgan's...stable. Donnie won't leave him. Mr Walker tried to drag him out the room but he couldn't."

"What about Morgan's Dad? And Rory?"

She swallows visibly, "Morgan's dad doesn't want to go in so he's waiting outside. Rory ain't here. No one knows where she is but she doesn't do hospitals."

"Fuck."

"Donnie is..." She trails off, his voice cracking as she shakes her head. "He's got blood all over him and he's cut all his arm open but he won't let anyone near him. He won't leave Morgan."

Of course he won't.

Morgan and Adonis were bonded so much closer than blood could ever make them. They were brothers, heart and soul.

They would never be able to cope without one another. Around each other, they're just complete. Relaxed and unapologetically happy.

It's running circles around my mind.

Apollo was stabbed.

Morgan was stabbed- he hasn't even woke up.

Adonis is injured, his arm mutilated from whatever happened.

Because of me.

It's all because of me.

How can I live with that?

How can I ever look at any of them again? Without being reminded of what they went through?

"I can't lose them."

Ashanti breaths out, "I know. Neither can I."

"They could've died."

"Because of Michael." The confidence in her voice makes my own seem pathetic. "This isn't your fault."

I shake my head, words falling.

"This isn't your fault, E."

She wraps her arms me. I cling to her and she clings to me, like quotation marks. We refuse to release one another and as we cry into each others shoulder. Praying and begging for God to save our family.

--------

"Where's Mum?" I ask Cami, lifting my head up to face her directly.

She's starting at her hands, "Looking after Atlas."

"What about when you've gone home?"

Her arms tense, her words soft. "I haven't."

I blink, "What?"

"I haven't gone home. Me and your Dad...We've been sleeping on the couch outside your room."

"Why hasn't she come? While Atlas has been at school? It's been six days."

"Evan." She's begging me to stop asking, the pain is evident in her tone. "She can't see you like this."

"Like what? Broken?" I say boldly, "She's my Mum. She signed up to the shit side of being a parent when she decided to have me."

"You wouldn't understand." My Mum's eyes flicker, "When you have kids, if you have kids," She corrects, "Then you'll understand how terrible it is to see them in any type of pain. It's unbearable."

"What happened when I got to the hospital, Mum?"

I already know the answer. The doctors explained what they had to do to keep me alive.

"By the time your Dad and I knew and had arrived, you were in surgery. They said the scan they did prior to surgery didn't show the damage it actually done. They got the knife out and thought everything was fine, until the haemorrhage began. Your heart rate went insane so they rushed you into emergency and they did what they needed to in order to keep you alive."

They did what they needed to do.

Yeah, that's what I keep telling myself.

It isn't getting any easier.

--------

Ashanti's gone to check up on everyone again. They still won't let me leave this room despite all the times I've tried.

I'm going insane stuck within these 4 walls.

Within a few minutes, Ashanti's back. I see her outside the window before she comes in the room.

And she ain't alone.

He comes in first, walking to the only corner that is empty. No cabinet or couch. Just the usual white wall.

He slides down the wall, pulling his knees up and wrapping his arms around them.

"Dee?" My voice comes out quiet, watching the blue eyed boy crumble in the corner of the room. His sobs are the only thing I can hear as I notice Ashanti coming into the room.

I blink, my brows furrowing.

"'Shanti?" I fight past the lump in my throat, taking a shaky breath as I speak. Her face tells me everything. "It isn't...Ti?" I can't say it. Please don't make me say it.

It was in that moment that my best friend's entire persona fell and our entire lives changed.

"Morgan's gone."

--------

"Morgan, you don't have to stay with me. You should be out with everyone, not stuck with me just because of some stupid irrational fears."

"You're an idiot if you think I'd rather be at some stupid party when I could be with my best friend." He jumps onto my bed, emptying his plastic bag full of snacks and fizzy drinks onto my bed. "Frozen or Step Brothers?"

"I love you so much."

He smirks at me, "I love you too, Darlin'. Now pick a film."

--------

"Not today, Morgs. I can't."

"I'm here."

"It's his birthday." I say despite the burning fire raging inside my throat.

"I know." Morgan grabs my hand, squeezing it. "I won't leave you."

"I can't face it, I can't." My voice breaks, I close my eyes tightly. "I can't walk past the place they killed my brother on his birthday."

"You need to do this. For you." He says softly, "You need to walk past it on your own two feet with your head held high. You need to show that they didn't break you, that you're stronger than them."

"I'm not though. I ain't strong."

"Jesus, E." He signs, "You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for."

--------

I wake up clutching my chest, trying desperately to get rid of the horrible scenes that had just haunted my mind.

My phone feels foreign in my hand as I dial the first person I think of. It's 2:30 am, but I need to hear his voice.

"Darlin'?" His voice is gruff with sleep, "Talk to me."

I start crying uncontrollably at the sound of his voice. Fuck.

"I'm so sorry." I say between heavy pants, "You...You were dead. You and Adonis. I.." I can't breathe right. Something's pressing on my chest, burning my lungs. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have woke you up, I-"

"Princess, I'm here and I promise I won't ever leave you."

"I'm sorry, Morgs." I know he's here. I know that my dreams aren't always feel but that feeling is so strong and so raw that I can't help but overthink everything. I don't know what I'd do if someone else died. I could speak to Morgan for hours, but a part of me would still doubt that he's still here. Them images were so vivid and so brutal.

"Don't apologise. Remember, I'd rather listen to you talk about the things that bothered you at randoms times then ever have to say goodbye to you. Okay?"

"Okay." We sit in silence for a few minutes, his heavy breathing helping me regulate mine. "I'm going to try and go back to sleep. Thank you, Morgs, I love you."

"I love you too, Sis. Look after yourself, I'll see you soon."

I can't get back to sleep, which doesn't surprise me. So I just lay there, staring at the collision of photographs on my ceiling and try to remember all the positive aspects of my life.

Confession: . . . . . . . No words in the English Language could ever describe this feeling.