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evangeline blackwood

My heads running around in circles as I stare at my bedroom ceiling.

From Logan to Ashanti to Jonah to Morgan.

Chest constricting with a pain that cannot possibly be human, I ardently attempt to ignore the way my eyes burn at the memories.

I knew it was coming before it happened.

"Go away." I shout.

But, as usual, she didn't listen.

My Mum knocks the door off its hinges and barges into my room. She looks incredibly determined to achieve something I knew wasn't going to happen.

"Stop wallowing away in self pity and get out of the house. This isn't good for you. Support group starts in an hour." Jace exclaims. If this would've happened a month ago, I wouldn't have cared. It wouldn't have mattered that my mother, once again, stormed into my room screaming about me needing therapy because I literally did not care about anything. That's what happened when I lost Jonah and then Julian, I become this emotionless monster who tried my hardest to repress all feelings.

Even though I miserably failed, I still managed to mute my parents.

"And how would you know what's good for me, Jacelynn?" I shout back at her, shaking my head.

Can't she see how much I'm trying?

Can't she see how hard is it dragging myself out of bed every single day? How much I don't even want to wake up every morning?

She recoils back, "I'm your mother, Evangaline. You need to start showing me some damned respect. This is what is best for you."

"You honestly have no idea what is best for me." I snap. Emotions consume me and I no longer have any control over what's leaving my mouth. "Do you have any idea how any of this feels? Just because something worked for you doesn't mean it can work for me. You know what, Michael messed me up so badly by killing Morgan, my brother and stabbing me. But it's nothing on the amount of pain you're putting me through. You have no idea what it's like to watch someone you care about die right in front of you and not being able to do anything about it. You're supposed to be my mother, you're supposed to respect my wishes and understand that the only person who knows what is best for me is me. But no, you didn't understand that and you still don't. Instead, you send me to therapy. Sprouting bullshit about how your house your rules. Well fucking kick me out and I'll slum it on the streets for all I care."

"What are you talking about?"

Shit.

"I saw it." I ignore the lump in my throat and the water arising in my eyes. I ignore the way my heart races against my chest and nausea in my stomach. "Jonah phoned me saying he was on his way home. I sat at my bedroom window and waited for him. I saw them go up to him, I saw them start an argument and I saw them put the knife into his chest."

My voice breaks on the last word.

She looks at me as though she's seen a ghost. "You was at your dads."

I shake my head, "No, I wasn't. I saw it all." I tear my eyes away from hers, tears spilling down my cheeks. "You sending me to therapy just made me relive it all. It was all I could see. I'd blink and he'd be right there, I'd fall asleep and all I could hear was people talking about it."

For the first time in my entire life, my mother stays completely silent.

"I will heal from this exactly how I chose to. If I want to stay in my room, I will. If I want to drink myself into the next week, I fucking will. I'm just not healing Morgan's death or my own experience, I'm coping with Jonah's as well. I felt the pain he felt and I lived and that's so hard to deal with. The constant question of why I lived and they didn't. You know, they were genuinely good people and they didn't deserve that..."

"You didn't deserve it, Ev. And you healed from what happened with Jonah, even if you don't believe you did."

"Yeah I did, I won't lie, but I healed all wrong so now I'm trying to sort myself out in my way. So you and Mum and Dad need to stay out of it because this is about what is best for me. I need time to heal. I need time to recover from all of this to ensure this doesn't fuck up my life in the long run. Morgan and Jonah wouldn't want that for me and I know that."

"He'd be so proud of you." My mother smiles sadly at me and I rub my cheeks. "Both of them would."

"Just give me the time I need. And tell Mum and Dad not to bother me about the Jonah thing. I've dealt with it for 4 years, it doesn't bother me as much as it used to."

"You don't need to go through all this shit alone."

"I'm not alone, Mum."

Jace wraps her arms around me and I melt into her hole, resting my head in the crook of her neck.

As I move to stand straight, her fingers intertwine in my hair and her other hand caresses my face gently. She finally knows. She's looking at me like she realises now why I am the way I am.

"You're really going to miss him, aren't you?"

"I already do." I admit, taking a shallow breath. My mind was just a mess, to put it bluntly. All my thoughts were everything other than the present: Morgan, Jonah, Apollo, Phoenix, Adonis..."I miss him so much. His stupid laugh, his jokes that always managed to make me smile. His hugs- he always hugged me so tightly it was as though every time we left each other he thought one of us wouldn't return. I miss us having a laugh and him annoying me until I just wanted to punch him. I just...I can't even imagine how anyone else feels."

/////////

"E?"

"Yeah, little man?"

Atlas looks hesitant as he stands at my bedroom door. I don't blame him.

I've been a shitty sister these past few weeks, barely speaking to him or anyone else admittedly.

"Can we go out?"

Ignoring the way my heart races at his words, I just smile and nod silently, grabbing my stuff and holding his hand as we leave the house.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay mate." I ruffle his hair as we step into the ice cream parlour. Handing him the money to order our stuff, I stand to the side of the waiting area. My arms cross protectively over my chest as I can physically fucking feel people staring at me.

"We don't have to stay here if you don't want to." Soft blue eyes meet mine, he grabs my hand. "Can we go to the park?"

No.

It's the first thing that comes into my head. That's where they normally are, or at least around there.

It takes me a moment to realise that Michael and his friends won't be there anymore.

They hopefully won't be there for a long time.

Inhaling deeply, I grab my milkshake and keep an eye on Atlas as we walk out of the ice cream parlour. It doesn't take me long to notice that Julian and his two minions are stood outside and, almost as soon as I realise that, they see me too.

His dark brown hair has grown longer in the months since I last saw him. Seeing him here when I'm feeling so heavy reminds me of when I first lost Jonah, and the peace Julian provided me with. Collections of dates and kisses, butterflies and late night cuddles. A part of me wishes for that distraction again, but I know that I've found closure with my past with Julian when it's not him I think about doing all those things with. 

He glances up, his brown eyes following my every move- studying me with a slight wideness that tells me I was the last person he expected to see. I don't look at him, though. I don't turn my gaze despite me seeing his eyebrows furrowed through the corner of my eye.

Defiantly, I refuse to look back or to the side as I walk past and away from him. I keep my stare straight, knowing that Atlas was right beside me. I can't let him see me break, I can't let him see me broken.

I'll never forgive myself if I let Julian Parks see me weak.

I won't allow myself to appear as broken as he wants me to be.

But now I know he's finally aware of why I was so hard to love.

Breathe.

My entire body aches with this sudden pain that I can't place. It consumes me entirely and I don't know how to react.

Breathe.

We keep walking.

It doesn't take long for me to realise why my body has turned into a panic room.

Breathe.

The skips still there, I realise, as I grip Atlas' hand harder. We get closer and closer to it and I want to stop, a lump already forming in my throat and my heart racing dangerously.

Some people might see it as stupid, this irrational fear of walking near it. But seeing it there in front of me just sends me back to nearly 5 years ago when my brother's lifeless body was just next to it.

Don't let them see you weak. They don't deserve the satisfaction.

I won't leave you.

I need to walk past it. No hesitation, no diversion, no distraction. I need to do this.

As we reach it, I ignore the way blue bleeds into red and the flash of my brother's face in my mind. Atlas is confused but doesn't question me when I stop there, letting go of his hand and walking until I was in the same spot.

Breathe.

You didn't break me, I want to scream, I'm here and you're all locked up. I'm still breathing. I'm here.

Alive.

I'm still alive.

Atlas squeezes my hand as if he can sense my internal conflict, and I glance up to see him smiling at me.

God, he can't ever hurt like this.

I'll bear this burden so he doesn't have to.

"I love you so much." I mumble as he practically jumps into my arms. Holding him close to me, I cradle his head and inhale his scent, promising myself that I will protect him at all costs.

Like Jonah tried to do for me.

He would've adored Atlas so much. So, so much.

Never again.

I carry him home. Remembering my discussion with Apollo all them months ago about how his tattoo was something that couldn't be taken away from him.

If I hold my little brother, if I keep him with me, he'll be safe. He wouldn't be exposed to the hell that everyone else has witnessed.

But, at the same time, how could I ever protect him from the cruelty of the world? It's unavoidable. At least until millions of mindsets change.

I'm greeted by all three of my parents pacing the house as I enter my living room.

"Where were you?" My Dad questions instantly, as Jace takes Atlas out of my arms and upstairs. Cami's lingering in the kitchen but I can tell she doesn't want to involve herself in whatever my Dad's planning to say.

"I took Atlas out for Ice-cream. You kept moaning at me to get out the house."

"You need to tell us! Fuck, Evan. Do you have any idea how worried we were?"

"It's not as if Michael is on the streets to stab me again, is it?" I snap back, my voice wavering as the reality of the words that I said so carelessly hits me. "Shit. I mean, I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that."

"Evan." My Dad's eyes are watering and it hits me differently to before.

"Look, he's the only brother I have left." I try to control the break in my voice, "I just wanted to do something nice with him."

I hear something fall in the kitchen, and I know Cami's listening to every word I say too.

"I've fucked up a lot but ignoring him. I don't want to do that anymore."

Everything that I've been suppressing for the last 4 years comes pouring out. Tears streamed down my face as I try to control my breathing, as I try to gain any sense of control over my own body.

Confession: I don't even know who I am anymore