With the police now searching for Ben, no one has been themselves. We all drag our feet into rehearsals, trying our hardest not to break down. Stephan had to be Race during all the rehearsals which you could tell was taking a toll on him. He obviously felt out of place, taking Ben's role whilst he was god knows where – probably suffering. I clench my eyes shut at the thought. I don't want to imagine it. We all put on smiles for the audience, so they wouldn't expect that the whole cast feels lost because a cast member was ripped from our grasp. Some fansies had noticed the lack of Ben on stage (he always did light up a stage) but we simply told them he was on holiday, we couldn't tell them the truth.

Josh was completely broken and rightly so. He was so close to Ben, they were practically brothers. He couldn't even bring himself to perform. He just waited. He waited in his apartment staring at the door waiting for Ben to return, just like the night he was taken. He wouldn't sleep or eat. He'd only drink coffee to keep him awake, so he could stay up waiting for Ben to return. He still had hope. But it was blinking away each second, dying out like fireflies at sunrise.

I remember the day that we all found out Ben was missing. I couldn't even look the cast in the eyes whilst I told them about my brother. He'd been questioned by the police – but he was released. No evidence. Oh, I'll give them evidence! I had practically ripped the apartment apart looking for something to tie him to Ben. I knew he was going to do something – and he did. I screamed at him, demanding answers. He tried to calm me down, placing his hands on my shoulders, but I wouldn't have any of it. I didn't want him to touch me. Not the hands that once had Ben's blood on them. I packed my belongings and left. He did it. I know he did. I wanted Ben back, not him. Thomas wasn't my brother anymore.

Josh let me stay with him. He told me that he wouldn't let me out of his sight or another cast member's sight. He wanted me safe, I commended him for that. It felt so good that he still provided some warmth in the harsh winter that my brother had brewed up. I'd sit with him on the sofa, holding onto him tight, waiting with him. I sat there with him for hours at one point. People entered and exited the apartment, cleaning or cooking for us but we couldn't move, time was frozen without Ben. I wanted to help but I was helpless. I went to and from rehearsals and performances but... I wasn't quite ready to take on the world. Neither was Josh. Heck, he had it worse.

The cast understood of course. They always did. They were truly family at that time. They understood our limits at the time, and they wouldn't push us. Some would even come to wait for Ben with us despite the fact they knew deep down that Ben wouldn't be walking through that door. But Josh and I clung to that hope as it were our only lifeline, the piece of rope holding us between life and death.

But Thomas. He would never be family again. I knew it was him. He changed, and he lied. I saw it in his eyes when I asked him if he was guilty. He was a better liar than before, but nothing would get past me. But it got past the police. And now he has Ben and he won't give him back. I can't have that.

I need Ben. More than anything, Josh and I need Ben. Emma too. She'd come to New York to stay with Josh and I. The police had told us that he probably hasn't left the city, so she came to be closer to him. Even if she had no idea where he was, he could be close, and she clung to that. We all clung to the hope. So, we waited. Waited in that small Manhattan apartment waiting for him to return home to us. Waiting for him to be safe. Forever waiting in frozen time.