"Love is the most dangerous thing in the world." ― Jennifer Beals

"Love is shown in your deeds, not in your words." ― Fr. Jerome Cummings

"The tragedy is all right there...in the very beginning when he smiles at her. When she instantly forgets. Forgets how dangerous he is." ― Anne Eliot

"E ho detto a Coraline che può crescere
Prendere le sue cose e poi partire
Ma sente un mostro che la tiene in gabbia
Che le ricopre la strada di mine"

- Coraline - Måneskin

Chapter 38

The dean's office was surprisingly messy. There were countless papers scattered on the desk. The gray jacket that had been draped over the chair he was sitting in had a large dark stain that reminded me quite a bit of red wine. The room generally looked as if no one had cleaned it for months, and there was a strange, rotten smell in the air whose source I didn't have the slightest desire to find.

However, what stood out as the only bright spot was the huge picture frame on his desk. The beautiful, feminine features seemed to stare right back at me. The dean's tragically deceased wife was unbelievably beautiful.

"So, miss, how are you?" a deep voice brought me back to reality.

I was once again reminded of his manliness. For a moment I glanced at the picture again and very quickly came to the confirmation that they really were the perfect couple. It was sad how quickly he had aged since her death, but there was still something about him that screamed raw strength. And even with so many years on his resume, he was even now the dream of many young women. There is something irresistibly appealing in the posture that emits threat and power.

"Fine? You? " I replied uncertainly, although my answer sounded more like a question.

"I'm good, thanks for asking," he nodded. "I can see that you're uncomfortable, so I'll get straight to the point. I want to talk to you about Victor."

"Victor?" I asked him in confusion.

"Yes, since the police stopped the investigation, I decided that I would continue it on my own," he explained decisively.

I was slowly beginning to understand. The police made a surprising decision to stop the investigation a while ago. The case was closed and marked as an unintentional overdose and substance abuse. Victor never talked about what had happened, but all those who were close to him knew the truth - he would never put something like that into his body. Of course, none of us wanted to pressure him to tell his version of the story, especially because it made him nervous every time because the memory of that evening was a blur.

It was somewhat strange why the dean was so determined to find out what had truly happened, as well as what had made him suspicious in the first place. Although, I had an inkling that it had something to do with a woman whose presence was still present in the room.

"Okay, but how can I help you? I have already made a statement."

"Sure, but still, there may be something you didn't say or something you felt didn't matter and could potentially be crucial," he insisted.

"I really don't know what else I can tell you. That evening was quite...eventful," I carefully said the last sentence, choosing my words, which made him frown.

"Yes, I heard that there was a fight just before they found Victor," his tone was light but the meaning behind his words was anything but. He demanded that I continue.

"If by fight you mean one person beating the life out of the other without any counterattack, sure," I muttered sarcastically, but he didn't hear me, or at least pretended not to. "Yes, unfortunate affair."

"Indeed," he raised his eyebrows. "I heard it was your boyfriend, who showed up unannounced," he continued.

"I see you have plenty of information, are you sure you need me?" I didn't know where the courage to talk to him that way came from, but the whole situation got on my nerves, and my sphincters gave indications they would not endure for long.

"Please answer the question."

I'll pee in my pants and I won't regret it one bit.

"Yes, that was my boyfriend. He had a disagreement with Paul. I don't see what all this has to do with Victor."

"Miss!" he abruptly got up and threw his hand up in the air, to which I reflexively flinched.

We both completely stopped moving, like we were paralyzed. Our eyes met and neither knew what the next step was supposed to be. I felt very uncomfortable and I just wanted to disappear from the room as quickly as possible. His eyes betrayed the fact that his brain was working at full power, trying to come up with an explanation. I didn't want to be there when that inevitably happened.

"Why did you do that?" He asked me cautiously with a hint of concern in his voice.

"I...I don't know," I whispered. "Oh, look at the time, I really have to go! If you need me again, feel free to look for me."

Not.

I didn't wait for him to respond, although I heard him call my name, I just picked up my things and ran out of his office.

-

Surprised and a little suspicious, I approached Mateo, who was waiting for me in the parking lot. I wouldn't have noticed his car if he hadn't been leaning against him and looked perfectly dangerous in that position. I should have been in the class for another good hour, but he was already there waiting for me. My whole plan to visit the baby in the hospital started to seem unreal.

"Baby, what are you doing here now?" I asked him after I approached him.

He hugged me around the waist and pinned my body to his. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him passionately, trying to hide the frustration I felt.

"Better said, what are you doing here now?" He replied suspiciously, caressing my cheek with his surprisingly warm touch. His rough hands were the perfect contrast to my smooth skin, and it was thrilling.

I knew it was not wise to lie to him even though every cell of my body told me otherwise. I was a terrible liar, and even if the situation was different, he was way too good at spotting lies. Nevertheless, just because I don't want to lie to him doesn't mean I have to tell him the whole truth, does it?

"The dean wanted to talk to me, so I finished my classes earlier," I shrugged and rested my head on his shoulder.

"To talk?" Why?" He asked me cautiously. There was something in his voice that I couldn't explain, but that was the reason why the shiver ran down my spine

"He thinks he's Sherlock Holmes apparently. He wanted to talk about that night when, you know, Victor..." I trailed off. That night meant a lot more, we both knew it and I just wanted to forget it.

"I know," his body stiffened tension in the air at its highest. So many times I wished I could get into his head to find out what he was thinking, but soon after I realized it was better to be in ignorance. His thoughts could be very dark and dangerous and I didn't want something like that for myself.

"It's not important. Why are you here so early?" I stepped back a little to look at him.

"I came to tell you something." The tone of his voice became significantly more serious, no matter how impossible it seemed.

"What?" I asked him uncertainly, the anxiety already spreading through my body. I couldn't help but think of a million bad things that could have happened, and yet, none of them could have prepared me for the truth.

He didn't say anything to me, he just took the phone out of his pocket and handed it to me. If he hadn't held me, I would probably have collapsed the moment I read what was on the screen. His strong arms kept me on my feet. Tears streamed down my face, but I couldn't explain why, nor could I describe my own feelings. I felt like I was overwhelmed with emotions and yet it was also as if there was nothing, as if I was empty.

"Did he tell you where they went?" I whispered, silently looking at the words on the screen.

"No."

Why the whole situation affected me so much was a question, but I couldn't control myself. I felt like I was constantly getting punch after punch and like I wasn't able to do anything right. I couldn't even remember the moment I had become a crying little girl who wasn't able to take her life into her own hands. I didn't want to let every single situation affect me, but I wasn't strong enough. I was a complete failure and no one could deny that.

"I let her down," my voice cracked.

Mateo didn't wait but hugged me even tighter. He started stroking my hair and whispering words of comfort. However, I barely heard him, and even when I did, I didn't understand the word he was saying. The only thing I could think about was how Leon took the baby somewhere far away. The baby I promised to protect, that became my responsibility, the baby I loved just as much as his mother. The only thing that made me happy at that moment was that he was fine, that he survived and was breathing. Everything else would pass. One day it would pass.

I didn't understand Leon's actions, especially after our conversation in the hospital. He left suddenly, leaving only a vague message to his best friend. He did not even address me, let alone allow me to say goodbye to Hannah and his son. I didn't even know the baby's name, I didn't see his eyes, I didn't do anything I had promised his mother. I had made a promise to a dying woman, who had given her life so that her child could be born, and I did not fulfill it. As time went on, it began to become clearer that I never would.

-

"Love, I think your dog wants to kill me!"

I started to imagine the situation Mateo was in even before I entered the kitchen, and what I saw there did not surprise me. Leon and the little puppy were in the middle of an intense stare-down. The scene was so comical that I didn't even try to hold back laughter, which earned me a dirty look from Mateo.

When he heard not-so-attractive sounds coming from my mouth, the puppy immediately turned and ran in my direction, barking happily. He wanted me to pet him, but I had rubber gloves on my hands that were full of chemicals so I did not fulfill his wish. After he raised his nose and continued to bark a few more times, he finally calmed down and curled up next to my legs. I came to the conclusion that he didn't like my decision, but he couldn't complain much, so he just laid there, sulking.

"Damn mutt," Mateo cursed after he tried to get to me so he could kiss me, but the puppy stopped him and started barking more aggressively.

"You gave it to me." I couldn't help but laugh again.

"And? It doesn't mean he tolerates me," he crossed his arms.

"And whose fault is that?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Yours, obviously," he told me nonchalantly, shrugging.

"How so?"

"He is obsessed with you! He won't even let me approach you!" He threw his hands up angrily, which made me laugh even harder.

"Like owner like dog," I winked and turned to leave the kitchen.

"You're aware we can hire a maid, aren't you?"

"Yes, but I don't like anyone else doing things in my home," I shrugged, but I didn't miss his smile, which was so wide I thought the muscles around his lips would go numb.

He silently stared at me as if I had fulfilled his greatest desire. I frowned and crossed my arms over my chest, not understanding his reaction. We just stared at each other for a while, until, in the end, I was the one who gave in. I exhaled and looked at him sideways.

"What?"

"You said my home."

I rolled my eyes and turned to the door, but a smile was plastered on my face as well. It was inevitable given the gleam in his eyes.

-

It was an absolute mistake not listening to Mateo and hiring someone to clean the penthouse. Of course, I was too proud to admit it to him. The consequence of my stupidity was that, after all the hell was over, I found myself on the floor, lying on my stomach, exhausted and cursing the day I was born.

My eyelids closed without any control on my part. I couldn't even move, let alone get up. I had the impression that I would fall asleep on a hard and cold surface at any moment.

However, just before I fell asleep, I noticed something really strange out of the corner of my eye. As the door of the walk-in closet was ajar, I noticed that some wooden pieces of the parquetry at the very entrance to the room were slightly raised.

Confused by the new discovery, I gathered all the possible strength that I had left and walked to that place. For a while, I only watched the seemingly completely identical wooden blocks as if they would give me the wanted answers. In the end, however, I decided to take action. I pressed one of the blocks with my fingers and, as I expected, it moved a little. Frowning, I moved it around up until I could lift it. Of course, as in every cliché movie ever made, what I saw inside the huge hole completely shocked me.

A dangerous metal object, black as the soul of anyone who decides to use it without any remorse, stared right back at me. There was no doubt what it was, I was not so stupid although my previous actions would disagree. Mateo kept a gun in the penthouse, our penthouse.

I probably should have known, or at least assume, especially after that day at the fair, it was a logical sequence of circumstances. Still, nothing prepared me for the shock I experienced. I had never doubted him, nor did I suspect anything, not even after all those mysterious moments with him. It had never occurred to me that something like that could be hidden in our home. And why not? Mateo proved to be a dangerous man ready for anything, and yet, obviously, I wasn't the one who was ready.

I could overthink, obsessively finding the reasons why he had such a dangerous weapon that close to him. I could have asked him the same thing. I could have done a lot, if only my whole body wasn't shaking from the new discovery. I was shivering and I was barely aware of it.

"Love?"

I jumped at my man's low voice. I turned sharply and looked into his dark eyes that hid many emotions. What would have completely melted me if I hadn't been in a state of shock would surely have been the fact that the most dominant in there was fear. He was afraid that the new knowledge would push me away from him completely, that I would run away again. I felt like laughing hysterically. I have reached a stage where nothing he'll ever do can push me away from him.

He took a step in my direction but I hurriedly and clumsily crawled back until I hit the very corner and knocked down a few pieces of shoes. I jumped at the sound of heels whose impact on the floor echoed in the quiet room. Mateo didn't mind but headed in my direction once again.

"Don't come near me!" I shouted, but I was aware of how shaky my voice sounded.

He paused, his shoulders slumped, he looked defeated. Again, if there was one thing I knew about Mateo, it was that he could never be defeated. Never.

"Let me explain," He looked like he was going to cry at any moment.

"You can explain it to me from there," I muttered, wrapping my arms around my body protectively, looking down at the ground.

"Okay," he breathed and sat on the floor to be at the same level as me. Still, he and I could never actually be on the same level. He was too big, he would crush me with one move of his hand.

"The reason why I have a gun," I flinched but did not comment. He noticed the move but ignored it and continued with the story. "Tara, you have to believe me."

"It's hard to believe you, Mateo, when you aren't saying anything," I gathered the strength to answer him.

I didn't know why I was so scared, surprised, disappointed. I had witnessed the horrible things he did, even to me, and yet, I was still there. Why did this discovery change everything? Though maybe I was absolutely wrong, maybe it didn't change anything.

"When I was little..." he began, his voice uncertain and shaky, or so it seemed to me, it was too difficult to guess. "My parents and I were supposed to go to one of the traditional Friday dinners at a restaurant near our house."

I raised my head and looked at him in surprise. He had never talked about his parents before therefore I just assumed they weren't there. I always felt uncomfortable whenever I wanted to ask him about them not wanting to bring some bad feelings he truly felt to light. I didn't want to hurt him. That was probably a big mistake.

"I was eleven years old. My mother wore a navy blue long dress and my father was dressed in a tuxedo in the same color. They looked perfect together. They were a true couple, like you and me," he glanced at me but looked down quickly after. "Everything happened so fast. In one moment I was in my room trying to find a shirt that would match them, and the next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital with a severe headache."

He spoke in an even voice, at no point did it emit anything, it was void of emotions However, I had a slight hunch about how the story was going to end.

"I didn't see them for the last time, nor did I say goodbye to them. I didn't even tell them I loved them. They just disappeared. Killed, like some animals, without any mercy," he said through gritted teeth.

The hatred was obvious. His hands were clenched into fists, even blood began to flow due to his nails pressing his skin. I couldn't help myself, the pull was stronger than me. I found myself next to him in a second. I took his hands in mine and somehow managed to prevent him from further injuring himself. He joined our fingers. He didn't look me in the eye, but I knew what me being near meant to him. It meant the world.

He finally looked up at me. His eyes were bright, full of glistening tears that I had seen only a few times, so little. They did not fall, but the fact that they remained in his eyes was far more tragic. He brought our joined hands to his chest and squeezed even harder.

"I couldn't protect them, princess, I have to protect you."

-

We lay in bed lit by the moonlight coming from the window. My head was resting on Mateo's chest and he was playing with strands of my hair. I caressed his exposed skin, drawing patterns, lost in my own world.

I couldn't help but think about what he had told me earlier, many ambiguities, many words that were not spoken, so many emotions that weren't felt. It was a lot, too much. I have never seen him like that, with so much bitterness and guilt. I wanted to find out more, to peek deep into his head and discover every bit of his thoughts.

I knew it was just a dream, that it was impossible. Nonetheless, I trusted him. Such words, such expression, it was impossible not to feel that. Or maybe he was just too good of an actor.

"Why don't you want us to have children?" He asked me suddenly. I paused for a moment with what I was doing but immediately afterward I continued to touch his bare skin.

I could've told him many things, the truth primarily. That I was afraid I will be like my parents, destroy my own child emotionally in the same way that they destroyed me. I wasn't Hannah. I couldn't sacrifice myself the way she did. She consciously gave her life in order to save that little creature, and what would I give him? And that was only the surface, the feelings went far deeper. I could have told him at least a part of it, though I was sure he already knew.

However, I chose the biggest stupidity and absolute lie.

"Mateo, we are neither married nor anything. I can't have a child just like that," I lowered the tone of my voice to convince him that this is what I really think.

He didn't answer, just nodded. We lay in silence for a while, enjoying each other's embrace. I felt like I was at peace after a long time. The nightmares that had been a regular occurrence since the day Hannah died were far away, I was sure of that. Still, something had been on my mind for a long time and I never got to ask him. It may not have been the perfect moment, but I didn't care.

"If I hadn't practically followed you that night, do you think we would have found a way to each other?" I asked him thoughtfully.

"Of course we would," he nodded and continued to play with the strands of my hair.

"How are you so sure?" I asked him with interest.

I looked up so I could see his reaction, but he was already staring at me. There was a special gleam in his eyes, with an intensity that could make even the strongest person kneel.

"Because I've already found you, baby girl."

A/N

Ready?

The next update and the prologue of my new story are going to be posted in the following days

Instagram -> v_jelenaa

Love you all xx