"Sometimes we refuse to see how bad something is until it completely destroy us." ― Unknown

"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." ― Paulo Coelho

"Prince Charming turned out to be just an accurate description of a psychopath." ― J.S. Wolfe

"Must be love on the brain
And it keeps cursing my name (cursing my name)
No matter what I do
I'm no good without you
And I can't get enough"
- Love on the brain - Rihanna

Chapter 37

The route I went through countless times with Mateo was in full force once again. It wasn't even Déjà vu that I was experiencing, but a precisely learned principle of behavior and movement. At one point, I even wondered if the neighbors were starting to get suspicious or if they were already used to the way Mateo would angrily drag me back to the apartment. Truthfully, even if the latter was the case, none of them had the courage or will to confront him. I know I wouldn't.

It wasn't long since Mateo dragged me from the hospital to the building where we lived. The speed at which he was driving significantly exceeded the maximum limit. The fact that I wasn't even afraid that something could happen to us was borderline insane. I had found myself in that situation too many times, it would be odd if that wasn't the case. I wanted to truly laugh, with a slight hysteria added as a cherry on top.

He practically threw me on the couch in the living room. That was yet another thing he seemingly enjoyed doing. Maybe I should have asked him about his fetishes before I got into any kind of relationship with him. If I was thinking straight at the time, many things would have been different, but alas, that was obviously not my strong point.

"Mateo, do you understand what you did?" I first tried to address him calmly, hoping that I would somehow get to him. It was mad that I was hoping for something like that at all. Somewhere in my subconscious, I wondered why I was going to already lost battles, even though I knew better. A question I will never get an answer to.

"What did I do?!" He looked at me indignantly, in disbelief that I even dared to ask him something like that. "And what was I supposed to do? Watch him touch you? " He shot me a look and crossed his arms.

His firm, toned body, which stood upright in front of my much smaller one, radiated dominance and heat. However, I did not allow myself to show in what different ways it affected me. However, judging by his sharp eyes and a noticeable reflection of pleasure, I did not succeed.

"Firstly, it was just a friendly hug and we needed it. Secondly, he is your best friend, what are you even thinking about in that head of yours?!"

"I don't care, you can only hug and touch me and me only," he emphasized the last word, wanting to make me understand how serious he was if I had any doubts.

"Mateo, I hug my friends all the time. I don't understand what all the fuss is about. His fiancée died only a few days ago, his son is fighting for his life, and he-" I tried to explain, in a slightly trembling voice, the memories of Hannah still fresh in my mind. Still, he interrupted me, not caring to hear the rest of what I had to say.

"I don't care, you can't hug them anymore," he said firmly and immediately sat down next to me, thus trying to explain the point.

"You're not normal," I told him seriously, shaking my head. "What about the baby?"

"What about the baby?" He asked me in confusion.

"Mateo, you know what Hannah asked me before..." I couldn't say. I wondered if I would ever be able to.

"No," he replied sternly, to which I looked at him in surprise.

"What do you mean no?"

"That child has a father and he will take care of him," he crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow, knowing in advance that I would continue the discussion and that I would not just accept his words. Our dynamic was so weird I hardly understand it anymore. And maybe that was because of me. He was always the same, same attitudes, same behavior, but me? I was a different story.

"Hannah told me that-" I started to argue, but he interrupted me.

"If you want to play mommy that bad, don't be so pressed, you'll take care of our kids," he told me smugly.

"I don't know how to break it to you, but we don't have children," I replied with a touch of irony.

"What happened with "I'm too scared to be a mother" shit?"

He hit right in the center and he knew it since that was exactly what he had hoped to achieve. I was aware of the intention behind his actions. He wanted to hurt me to prove the point, but knowing that didn't make a difference. As much as I understood his intentions and thoughts, it didn't help to hurt any less. I looked at him tremblingly. My vision was blurred, and the pain in my chest spread rapidly to other parts of my body. I didn't look away from his eyes. I wanted him to see the effects of his words. I wanted him to face the consequences of his actions, what he left behind. I wanted him to feel what I felt. I wanted him to suffer.

He understood. At least that much was obvious seeing how his eyes widened and his hands hung limply at his sides. He wanted to hurt me, but he didn't predict what effect that would have. He wanted to upset me with his question but he didn't want to see me cry. He was a strange person. Too narcissistic to control himself, and yet too much in love to endure it. He could never bear to see me cry, even when he was the cause of it. Afterward, he would hate himself, he would regret it, he would apologize, but why would it matter when the deed had already been done? If I didn't love him as much as I did, wholeheartedly, paralyzingly, unconditionally, I would hate him. I was sure of that.

He quickly tried to cheer me up, to stop me from falling deeper into sadness. He hugged me tightly with his arms and started kissing my neck gently. However, I did not enjoy it. There was too much going on in my head. Hannah's request, her baby, Leon, Mateo, me. My tears were falling without me being able to control them. They were falling in the memory of my fears, in the memory of my traumas, in the memory of a little, five-year-old girl who was waiting for her mother to come to her room and kiss her goodnight. On that gloomy, rainy day, the girl heard from her friends from kindergarten how their mothers always read them a story before going to bed and left them a tender kiss, wishing them sweet dreams. And yet, that night, while lightning reigned in the sky, Mom wasn't there.

I hiccuped and shook my head. I had to change the topic, I couldn't stand it, it was too dangerous.

"If you continue to behave that way, you will lose the only person you consider family," I sighed.

"But you're wrong, baby girl," he began in a hoarse voice. His tone was low, barely audible and his lips were touching my earlobe. His warm breath was enough to set my whole body on fire. I shivered, his closeness made me forget things I shouldn't have, I shouldn't dare to. "He is not my only remaining family-" he brought his hand to my cheek and gently wiped the traces of tears. His rough skin was in stark contrast to my smooth one, almost babylike. And yet, they fit in perfectly. He gripped me tightly and raised my head slightly. His gaze caught mine, not letting me look away for a moment. Those dark, so dark eyes no longer bothered to cover the intensity. He wanted me to know, to see, to feel his words. He wanted me to remember them forever. "You are."

I didn't answer, I didn't have to, my eyes were enough. He was the only thing I had left. My family.

-

"Mateo, why didn't you wake me up, I'm going to be late!" I shouted as I ran down the stairs.

How I managed to get dressed, put my shoes on, and comb my hair at the same time was a mystery of the universe. However, I would rather be a guest on a podcast in hell with Hitler and Osama bin Laden than leave the house uncombed. The spare brush I always kept in my bag was an indicator enough.

I took a bottle of water from the fridge and headed for the exit until Mateo's deep voice with a hint of humor, but also irritation, stopped me.

"You're not going anywhere without breakfast."

"But I'll be late!" I whined, to which he rolled his eyes.

"You won't, I'm driving you as always, I don't know why you're in such a hurry," he said, wrapping his hand around my wrist and pulling me towards him, forcing me to sit on his lap in the dining room.

"I thought you were at work," I murmured, focused on preventing myself from vomiting due to the overpowering smell of pizza on the table. Who knew what he had put into it to make me skip classes. Nothing would surprise me from him.

"Yeah, I'm going to let my girlfriend go alone, especially because she doesn't have a phone, which reminds me..." he commented sarcastically and started to take something out of his pocket. I sensed what it could have been, so I rolled my eyes.

"Mateo, I don't want a new phone, I told you that, you've already bought me a few. I'll just wait for mine to be repaired." It was your fault they were broken in the first place but never mind.

I turned completely towards him and wrapped my legs around his waist. The bulge on his lower, and, quite frankly, most important part, touched me so clearly in the right place that there was no doubt that I would be late for the lecture that day.

"I know you don't want a new one and you would give me hell if I went against your wish, but I have to hear from you somehow when you're not by my side. I'm worried, love." His gaze hid so much anxiety that I couldn't contradict him.

When I saw one of those tiny phones that were only used for exchanging messages and calls, I couldn't help but laugh out loud. He was really scared of my reaction and it was beyond adorable.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and left a hard kiss on his lips. At first, I planned to keep it short, but Mateo had different plans. He wouldn't let me move, connecting our lips even tighter. His kisses were just like him in every way possible - possessive, dominant, and strong. There was no point in fighting for dominance, but I tried anyway. I fought as hard as I could, our tongues working miracles. I didn't give up for a single moment. I grabbed his short hair and pulled hard. The sound he made found its way right into the center, right where it was supposed to be, to the place that craved him.

In an almost animalistic way, he removed his lips from mine, finally allowing me to breathe, and shifted the focus to my neck. I groaned when I felt his tongue do wonders where my neck and shoulders met. I wrapped my fingers tightly around his hair, not at all gently playing with it, as if it were my own. He nibbled on my sensitive skin, kissed, and so on. I was sure he was leaving marks of his love, his possessiveness, him. It may have been crazy, but the way he dominated me, the way he possessed me, the way he loved me, primitively and without remorse, did wonders to my core that pulsed as if there was no tomorrow.

His hands were completely focused on my behind, massaging, squeezing, doing whatever they wanted. He pulled me even closer, connecting the lower parts of our body. I could feel him everywhere, but my body was crying out for something else. I was on the verge of breaking apart in front of him not caring at all. My hands wandered over his strong built, removing the fabric that kept me from feeling him. His defined, masculine chest, his abdomen that looked like it belonged to Adonis, his biceps that were bigger than my head, he, were taking me to the edge with just the feeling of his skin on mine. That alone was enough, nothing more was needed. Still, I longed to have him completely inside me. I couldn't take it anymore.

One gentle but completely lethal move of my lower body was enough to take the lead. He looked at me with fire in his eyes. Not even the fact that he was out of breath prevented him from spreading his lips into a hypnotic smile. He wanted me. No, it wasn't want that he felt, it was something else, something much stronger, much more primitive. Something far more dangerous.

"You're playing a very perilous game, baby girl, very perilous."

I didn't have time to answer him because he had already put both hands under my thighs, slapping my ass hard in the process. He picked me up and pinned me to him. Our bodies merged into one, and just one of his fiery touches was enough to take me to eternal bliss.

-

"Why weren't you in the class today? We barely were able to cover for you," Sarah asked me after I sat down next to her at a table in the cafeteria.

She had her arm wrapped around Lena's shoulders as the blonde's eyes were completely closed. It was rather obvious that she enjoyed the embrace of her girlfriend and I had to admit that they looked beautiful together. They quickly became my new favorite couple. Something in my chest hurt at the thought. A month had passed, and the wound was still fresh. Only when we feel pain do we realize how relative time is. Years may pass and the heart will ache with the same intensity as the first day.

"You don't want to know," I winked. She made a horrified face and Lena laughed with that beautiful, gentle, feminine laugh. Her voice was able to heal every wound, I was convinced of that.

"Girl, what's going on with you these days? I want to ask you every time you come to uni but I literally forget. Why aren't you using your phone?" Emma asked me accusingly, and I rolled my eyes. It would be way too strange not to face her drama during the day.

"I told you it's broken and that I was texting you from Mateo's phone, but you never listen," I crossed my arms over my chest, sulking. I acted like a child, but I didn't care, I can be hurt by the things I allow to hurt me, no matter how harmless they are.

"But why does the repair take so long?" She asked me.

"How would I know?!" I threw up my hands in irritation.

"You're so cute when you're sulking, I just have to-" she started to approach me, but I abruptly got up and pointed my finger at her.

"Don't you dare!" I threatened her before she could touch my cheeks. I was seriously considering suing her for harassment.

"You're no fun." Now she was the one sulking.

"How old are you, five?" Lena interrupted, still not opening her eyes. Sarah snorted at what I looked at her sideways. I was tempted to argue, but I didn't for two very simple reasons. Firstly, I was afraid of her, and secondly, I was even more afraid of Lena.

"I'm still three," I said. "Emma, ​​on the other hand, is very advanced for someone who has just come out of her mother's womb. She can even talk!" I pretended to be shocked, putting my hand over my heart.

The very next moment, I felt a light blow to my head. I looked down at the ground and saw a pastel green teddy bear. I slowly looked up at Emma, raising an eyebrow, though I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

"Victor," she shrugged, and I let out a breath. The day the two of them admit their feelings and decide to work on their relationship will be the day when the world known to human beings ends.

We continued to gossip until one moment when I abruptly got up. All three looked at me in surprise, and Lena moved a bit from Sarah's shoulder.

"I have to pee," I told them as quietly as possible, jumping slightly side to side.

"Tara, you went to the restroom literally half an hour ago," Sarah pointed out.

"I've been peeing like crazy these last few days, so forgive me for not being able to control my sphincters!" I told them angrily and headed for the exit.

"Should we order lasagna for you?" Emma shouted before I was out of her sight.

"No, ew!" I said.

"Since when do you not like lasagna?" She asked me slightly confused, but I didn't stop to answer her, I was too concentrated on not embarrassing myself in front of the entire student population of my university.

Just when I was one step away from the heavenly place of my relief, a serious, professional voice stopped me in my tracks.

"Miss!"

Before I turned around, I tried to hide my irritation and pain I was feeling due to the unbearable pressure in my bladder and threw on one of my famous fake smiles. Finally, I looked into the somewhat aged face of the dean of my university.

The man still looked like a fine middle-aged man who would make any woman go crazy. Still, there was something about him that made him look like he had aged at least ten years. Whether the reason for that was a poor posture, seemingly permanent dark circles that he wore almost daily, or a dull look in his eyes, was a huge question. Or maybe it was all those things combined, along with something else. Sadness and pity flowed through my body when I saw him in such a state. The man who until recently was the epitome of manliness was now just a shell of his past self. There was something tragically poetic in that

"Miss, I'm glad to see you, our talk is long overdue," he honored me with a smile. However, I used to give a fair share of those to other people myself so that I would not know when a smile does not reach one's eyes. That is the most important thing. That way you know if it's real.

"Talk? About what?" I asked him, feeling rather confused and anxious. Millions of different scenarios have already started running through my head, none of which I was ready for.

"Don't worry, you're not in trouble. You'd understand if you'd be kind enough to follow me to my office," he said, still smiling and pointing in the direction of what I knew was the building where his office was located.

"But what about my classes?" I asked him, one last time trying to get out and finish what I came for.

"Don't worry about that. Now, shall we?" The tone of his voice was light, nevertheless intimidating enough to let me know that his sentence was not exactly a question, but an order.

I looked longingly at the white door. I was absolutely certain that I would not have the strength to withstand his interrogation for whatever reason. I would embarrass myself, there was no doubt about that, but somehow I didn't care. He was pretty much asking for it.

At that moment, an idea came to my mind that sounded very clever at the time. The dean without intention gave me the perfect excuse to sneak out and go to the hospital. Mateo still wouldn't let me go visit Hannah and Leon's son, neither would he let me out of my sight for a millisecond.

I smiled a painful smile as a tear fall softly down my face. I quickly raised my hand and wiped away the trail and immediately followed in the dean's footsteps. I made a promise and I had every intention to fulfill it.

I'll be strong. I have to.

A/N

Any theories?

Europeans, are we going to talk about Damiano David and the rest or? Also, Finland and France were fire

Anyway,

Instagram --> v_jelenaa

Love you all xx