Gina grabbed two boxes and hauled them out to the living room. She set them on top of the covered furniture that was due to be picked up by a consignment company. With a huff, she wiped her forehead. "Phew! I don't know what the hell you have in that one, but I thought my arms were gonna fall right off!"

Diane sat on the floor, wrapping glasses. She shrugged. "I believe it's Christian's bottle cap collection."

"Huh? Bottle caps? You mean to tell me there's fifty fucking pounds of bottle caps in there?"

Again, Diane shrugged. "He's been collecting them since he was a kid. No two are alike."

Gina wiped her brow. "That's dedication."

Diane put the last of the wine glasses in the box and closed it up. "Yeah," she replied, remincising. No one could say that Christian didn't always dive into whatever pleased him. "He was planning on using one of the walls of his mancave to put all of them up."

"Is this going with you?"

Diane looked at the box. One of many that were labeled Christian's things and piled in the corner near the front door. Part of her expected him to come down the stairs and renegotiate their terms for him keeping so much shit in the house. Whereas she kept only a few mementos over the years, her eccentric husband never could seem to throw anything away. It didn't seem fair to abandon her husband's stuff when he couldn't negotiate new terms. It was wrong. "It's going in storage with the exception of those marked in red marker. His folks will collect those." she went back to packing.

"How's Rob and Sheila?" she asked referring to the given names of Christian's parents.

Diana shrugged, unenthused. "I guess as well as they could considering. They lost their only son."

Gina stopped to watch her on the floor, charging on like a little worker bee. She missed the funny, energetic Diane, but she also knew it was inappropriate to ask her friend to cheer up. It was only two months since Christian passed away, and still so painfully raw for Diane. Christian was the love of her life, knew each other since high school and shared so much together. Both were such sweethearts and it made her so angry and helpless that one day Christian was here one moment and one moment gone. The only condolences she had was that he didn't suffer in the car crash and the drunk driver who struck him was getting her just desserts. None of that mattered to Diane, though, who appeared to have given up on everything that reminded her of the love she lost.

"You sure you really wanna move, Dee? You really love this house. I mean you couldn't stop talking about it for a whole six months. You begged Christian to send me photos of it the day you closed."

"No. I used to love it here, but--" her voice trailed off as she remembered Christian adjusting his tie at the breakfast counter. His coffee in his favorite blue mug, just awaiting him to spill on his feet so he could make a mess and swear. She caught herself almost smiling, for a moment, oblivious to her own grief. Then she finally blinked and saw nothing but empty cabinets and void counter. A shell. Nothing more. "But I don't anymore. Besides, the mortgage is a bit steep now."

Gina sat beside her, putting her hand on her shoulder. "We can find a way."

"I don't wanna talk about it anymore." Diane got up and went to the kitchen. Yanking the drawers open, she grabbed handfuls of silverware and threw them into the various boxes on the counter. "No one would wanna stay here. This empty home. Look at it. It's a fucking shell. I don't know what I saw in this place." She raked fingers through her head, anger gripping her bones. "Wait, I know what's missing. I'm missing his fucking shoes that always seemed to trip me. His half-eaten bowl of cereal on the counter because he never finished a whole bowl his entire life. His clothes on the bed." Her voice cracked with longing. "His scent on my sheets. This house is missing my fucking husband! It's empty and cold and lonely. And I'm just so pissed I could punch someone."

Gina got up and grabbed her shoulders, forcing Diane to look at her. "I know you're hurting. But it won't be like this forever. I need you to believe that."

Diane shook herself away, a queasiness sending nervous tremors in her throat. "Sorry, but I don't!" The bile churn in her stomach threatened to turn her inside out and she ran to the half bath and slammed the door. Gina stood outside and listened to her best friend retch. She leaned against the door, holding herself, feeling a helplessness that her friend was so much in pain.

Gina went to knock on the door. "Dee, honey. You're okay? You've been puking a lot, lately."She was met with silence. "Hun, it's gonna be alright."

"No it's not," Diane sobbed. "I hate everything. Everything seems colder, darker. The food tastes like shit and my work...everything reminds me of him!" Diane wiped her mouth and leaned against the door. "Nothing's been normal. Sleeping, going to work, eating." She swallowed. "Not even my..." She snapped her mouth shut. It's been two months and she couldn't remember the last time she had a period. She covered her mouth. "Oh God."

Gina continued to lean on the door. "It won't always be like this, it's just so raw right now. You need time, which you said your job have you two months leave of absence, right?"

"You make it seem like things will get better in two months." Diane looked at the calendar on the wall and did some mental math. Tears welled up. "But I don't think it is."

"Why not?"

Diane jerked the door open and looked her confused friend in the eyes. "Because...I think I'm pregnant."

***

Diane and Gina sat on the edge of the bathtub together staring at the plastic pregnancy test sitting on the edge of the sink neither one could take their eyes off of it Diane felt like she couldn't breathe.

"Oh my God," she whispered. "What the fuck am I going to do if it's positive? I don't know anything about being a mom," she sobbed. "What the fuck am I going to do?"

Gina got up and walk to the sink. She picked up the plastic stick and quietly looked up feeling her breath back up in her lungs. It was a hesitancy in her breathing and right then Diane new the worst.

"Well?," she prompted. "What is it?"

"I don't know how to say this other than I'm going to be an auntie."

Diane erupted with tears. Sitting there, helpless, hopeless and pregnant, Gina came to her and squeezed her tightly. "Oh, Dee. Please don't cry. I've got you."

"Please don't say it's going to be okay Gina. This is terrible. How could I let this happen? I'm not ready for this."

Gina shook her head. "It wasn't all on you. Mistakes happen. Christian had a pretty big role in this to you know."

Diane just cried harder. "I feel like I can't even breathe this isn't fair. It's so cruel. Christian is gone. I'm all alone and now I'm having a baby? What fucking planet am I on? I should've never gotten out of bed."

Gina held on tightly, with tears in her eyes. "I don't know what to say, doll. I really don't. You're right, it isn't fair. Christian was taken from you and it doesn't make sense. But you're still here doll. You're still here and you're not alone. You got me, and Jacob, and Derek.

Diane's eyes narrowed at the mention of Gina's obnoxious boyfriend, Derek.

"Um, okay you got me, Jacob and your parents. We'll all chip in and help you. You know I love babies," she smiled, but then she sobered as another option snapped in her head. "That is, if you wanted to keep it."

Diane nestled against Gina's shoulders. The tone of the statement forced her to stop sobbing and she released her friend to look her in the eyes. "What are you asking?"

Gina's tone turned firm, despite her sympathy. "You know what I'm asking, Dee. Listen, I know you're scared as fuck. Hell, so am I, and I'll never judge you for your decisions honey. This is your life, and I know it has been shitty to you lately. What do you want to do?"

Diane stood up and touched her stomach. Every pragmatic bone in her body was telling her to be smart. She barely wore clean clothing and left the house since Christian was buried. If it wasn't for Gina and their moms dropping in, forcing her to shower and eat, she'd like to think she'd be dead. But no, she was just pathetic. She barely could take care of herself now. How could she take care of a kid?

This was so unexpected and though she and Christian wanted kids eventually, while he was in med school they agreed to be responsible until they got further in their careers. She sucked in a shaky breath. "I-I don't know." She began to pace. "I need to think."

Gina stood up. "Of course you do. You don't have to do anything right now, love." She kissed her forehead. "Just know that no matter what you decide, I got you, alright? You're not alone."

Diane wiped her face, feeling the heat of her face. "I'm so scared, Gigi. I have fought so many obstacles, but this... this is so fucking miserable! What if all I do is screw up this kid's life? Come out like me?"

Gina shook her head. "Shhh. You just need time to process this." Her phone buzzed with a notification. She hissed a swear and looked around. "Look, sweetie. I gotta go to pick up Derek from the airport. I'll come back later and stay over."

"No, you don't have to."

"But I don't mind."

She wiped her eyes. "I know. Just, I could use some time to think about this on my own. I promise to call you."

Gina kissed her forehead. "Alright. I'll check on you later. It's gonna be okay, doll. Please don't let this swallow you up."

After Gina left, Diane closed the door and found she was surrounded by an emptiness in her heart she never thought in a million years would be real. She searched for the box of booze and clawed it open. Tears running down her face, she picked up Christian's bottle of blue label whiskey. It was barely opened, having bought it for him once he finished his internship. They shared one drink. Just one, with the promise to share others when they hit other successes like her promotion. She tightened her grip on the bottle. Craving something to numb the pain, she began to empathize with those who turned to drugs and alcohol for relief. She wanted to stop feeling. Just tonight. There was too much to feel. Make it all stop. She quickly unscrewed the cap and took a swig. The guilt of knowing there was a baby inside her forced her to spew it out. "Shit!" She threw it against the kitchen wall, watching it explode in a blast of glass and brown liquid. "Shit!" It wasn't fair. Any of it.

Moving to the bedroom, her demons followed her, giving her doubtful thoughts of the unknown. What if she couldn't love the child because it was a constant reminder of losing Christian? She'd be a terrible mother and she already had one of her own, she didn't want to contribute to screwing up another life. She sat on the bed and looked around in her big, empty bedroom. All the warmth left after he died. One responsible appointment to the clinic would reset her life, maybe even help her face the future a bit more optimistically. "You're not ready to raise a child," she said aloud to herself. "With Christian gone, you're on your own." She held herself and laid on the bed. But it was her and Christian's baby. His baby--the only real piece left of him. How could she just erase it from the world? It felt like betrayal and yet, thoughtless not to consider she was in no shape to raise a child. The world was suddenly smaller and far less doors open. As the thunder rolled and lightning flashed in the distance, Diane never felt so low in her entire existence. Her chest physically hurt as if her heart was literally breaking. She turned to the buzzing of her phone and wiped her eyes at Gina's message.

November 30th 10:30pm

Hey dollface, you need anything? I can still come over. Just say the word. <3

Diane feverishly wiped her runny nose and dampened cheeks as she gathered up the composure to finally messaged back.

November 30th 10:33pm

No, I'm okay. I will need a ride to the clinic this week. I think I've made my decision. :(

***