Diane tossed the phone and knocked a picture off the nightstand. She moved over to pick it up and stared at the photo. She unconsciously smiled at the image of she and Christian in high school. He stood a whole foot and a half taller than her already and held bunny ears behind her annoyed smile adorned with braces. Christian's lanky body wore his basketball uniform and lucky wristband that smelled awful. She never forgot the fight they had after she stole it and washed it. He couldn't be mad at her for more than thirty minutes at a time. She touched the glass where Christian's smiling face haunted her. He was the patient one in the relationship. Always was. No matter what mistake she made, he loved her.

She held the photo to her chest and wept like she never wept before. "Please forgive me, Christian. I'm so sorry. I...I just can't without you. I can't."

Crying herself to sleep was more commonplace than anything else in her life. Tonight, would be no different.

The last two nights were nothing but bad dreams, when both asleep and awake for Diane. She couldn't wait to move out of the house. Despite all their belonging packed up, it still held too many memories of her life with Christian. Every laugh they shared there, the times they argued, the times they made love and even the times they shared tears--a reminder waited cruel behind every corner like a mugger ready to pounce.

She insisted on moving to an apartment or something almost immediately after her husband's funeral. No one dared to convince her otherwise.

But moving was proving to be a real bitch and made her nerves raw with anxiety. On the other side, sleeping at night ended with a terrible dream about running, but then she's falling into the pit, floundering towards the light, until her body forces her awake.

"Just Fall," someone in her dream whispered to her. It was the only thing that lingered on.

The dream was so dark, she began to feel it was her guilt coming to punish her. She had made her appointment earlier this week and today was the day she went in. Quietly, she paced by the living room window, while she awaited Gina to pick her up. She didn't want to go there alone. And even if she did, she knew that Gina wouldn't let her anyway.

And what felt like forever she finally saw the black Audi pull into the driveway and honk twice, announcing her arrival. Diane slipped on her hoodie and took a deep breath. "Okay," she whispered. She grabbed her bag and her keys and went out to the car.

She got in the passenger side with barely a nod. "Hi," she said quietly.

"Hey there doll," Gina said as she re-adjusted her head wrap and took off her shades. "Are you ready?" She didn't know how appropriate that question was, but it was all that she could muster.

Diane couldn't look her in the face; instead she just quickly nodded. "Yeah, let's go."

***

They arrived to the clinic, and Diane set in the car for a moment. She didn't know what to say. She didn't really know what to do even though this was her decision to make. She still felt lost. When did her life get so complicated? She really missed Christian. She kept thinking about if this had happened when he was still alive, what would he want and what would he tell her. She was almost positive that he would want whatever she wanted, but that was the problem; she didn't know what she wanted. She wanted so many things. Impossible things. If she chose her career, she was pragmatic, but selfish. If she kept the baby she was brave, but foolish. She couldn't win. Her body wanted to cry but she had enough tears. Gina was right; it was time for her to stop crying and start living. But she didn't even know the first step to make towards that. She used to feel so perfect, and now, she felt so terribly flawed. I just don't know how to do this, she said in her head as if to bargain with the other side of her.

"Dee?," Gina's concerned voice finally broke through the haze of Diane's thoughts.

She snapped out of her thoughts and turn to Gina. " Yeah I'm alright," her voice flatter than her dreams. "Let's go." She grabbed her bag and got out of the car with Gina not but one step behind.

They both sat in the waiting room side by side, with Gina holding her hand. The tight grip of her best friend's warm, clammy hand told the story of the war turning inside of her broken heart. She didn't know what to say. All she kept telling herself throughout the day was that whatever happened she was support her friend no matter what. She loved Diane so much. The first friend Gina ever made in college and the one friend that survived it. Hell, she couldn't let her go of the Fates themselves tried to intervene. "I'm right here," she said, just before a nurse called Diane's name.

She gave a weak smile, when she was anything but. "I know." Then got up and went inside.

Sitting on the cold counter with her plain blue patient's gown, all she could do was look around and fumble with her fingers as anxiety crept up to her throat. After surveying the little room of a counter, stool and supplies, her eyes landed on a glass container full of tongue depressors. Almost immediately, it jarred free a memory that was hidden way back in her mind from high school.

"Say Ahhhh," Christian demanded as he tried to shove a tongue depressor in Diane's mouth. 

She pushed it away. "Ew! Leave me alone. Where's that thing been anyway?" 

Christian laughed. "Relax, the nurse's office has a whole jar full of 'em."

"Is that where you've been? Hanging out in the nurse's office ripping off her stuff?"

He raised an eyebrow. "What? Jealous?"

"Whatever," she began to walk past her locker to get to class. 

Christian caught up to her. "I mean, I get it. Mrs. Decker is kinda hot. You know support hose drives me crazy."

Diane playfully shoved him.

"Ow!," he rubbed his side.

"So that's what I gotta worry about? You messing with the nurses when you become a doctor?"

"No babe. You know you're the only woman I wanna play doctor with." He grinned. "I'm getting pretty good at it too. Remember the other night when I snuck up to your room?"

Diane's face turned into a beet almost immediately. She shoved him again with a quelling look. "Will you be quiet?" she demanded in a theater whisper. "And you're lucky my dad didn't catch you leaving."

He scratched his head. That was true. He never got dressed so fast in his life. For some time, he and the Howerton's rose trellis had a pretty good understanding, until that morning. Yeah...that early morning, ten feet off the ground, he and their trellis almost broke up catastrophically. He nodded. "Yeah, I need to get better with my house calls." He waved the tongue depressor in her face. "Check-ups for free though," he mused.

She pushed the depressor away and frowned. "Will you cut it out? I'm not in the mood."

Christian paused and sobered up, realizing there was more than just typical annoyance in her voice. He sensed worry. He caught up to her and stood in front of her. "Dee, what's wrong?"

Diane shook it off, "Nothing. We gotta get to class."

"Screw class, you know Mr. Pradwell takes a bathroom break right before second period. They served burritos at lunch today, so we got time I figure."

She scoffed out a strange laugh, trying to remember he's the source of her angst. "You're unbelievable."

"No, I'm worried." he said. "Something's bothering you. What is it?"

The bell rang for second period, but Christian didn't move.

"If you get written up again, Mr. Team Captain won't get to play next game."

He shook his head. "You know I like staying home and watching 'House' anyway. You're not deflecting that easily."

"I didn't tell you, but last month, my period was late."

Christian's wide widened. "How late?"

"It doesn't matter. It just that it was one of the longest weeks of my life until it finally came in."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because, it didn't matter alright? I'm not pregnant. It came in and things are okay. But, lately, it just got me worried and thinking. I just didn't want to freak you out."

Christian grimaced and raked his thick dark hair. He took a breath. "Let me freak out, Dee!" he called out in a theater whisper that wasn't nearly as soft as hers.

"Shhh."

"No, I gotta say this. I need you to share these things with me, Dee. Don't protect me from something like this, and I sure as hell don't want you to deal with a scare like that alone. It isn't fair to you." He pulled her into his arms and kissed her head. "Promise you won't shut me out like that again. I'm your boyfriend, you know?"

She nodded, finding solace in his warm, encompassing hug. "I know. I just kept wondering whether to tell you. I know we use protection, but what if it happened? What if I got pregnant? Our whole lives would be ruined."

Christian held her tight. "If it happened, we would deal with it, babe." He pulled back to stare into her watery eyes. "And I don't believe our lives would be ruined. It would just be different. Like my Grandma says, 'Life happens when we're busy making other plans.' But if it happened, I would be there and support what you wanted."

Her anxiety mounted and the danger of their future crippled her thinking. "You can't go to med school with a kid. I can't go to college with a kid."

"Babe, we just think this path will make us happy. I've always wanted to be a doctor. Always. But wouldn't it be ironic if I became one and decide it's not what I really wanna do anymore? Things change all the time, Dee. It's life's way of making us see what we're really made of. I just want you to know that wherever that path takes you, I wanna be there. Whether you decide to have a little Christian or not. We'll do what we gotta do to make shit work."

Diane laughed and burst into tears, "I hate you so much, turkey."

"Nah, you don't. Come here." Christian pulled her back into his arms, where she belonged. "For what it's worth, you'd be an amazing mom."

"Mrs. Howerton?", a light, feminine voice snapped her out the vivid memory.

Diane jumped at the voice, realizing she was sitting in the doctor's office.

"Mrs. Howerton, are you okay?"

Diane took a deep breath, feeling the chill of the room war against the warmth of her memory. She nearly forgot about that pregnancy scare so long ago. Forgot how frightened she was and if Christian would leave her high and dry. Afraid their lives would be ruined. But even then, it seemed like she and Christian could face anything as long as they stayed true to each other. She believed it too. He'd meant every word.

Diane put her hand over her stomach.

And he was still with her.

"Our lives wouldn't be ruined. Just different." she closed her eyes and remembered his words. Christian believed life would still be great even if we got knocked off course. Life happened while we were busy making plans. She choked out a laugh. "You goddamn turkey." she said with a smile.

The nurse frowned. "Excuse me?"

Diane turned realizing where she was again. "Oh, shit. I didn't mean you." She jumped off the counter, and grabbed her ball of clothing. "I can't do this!" She quickly ran out and down the hall.

"Wait! Mrs. Howerton!" the nurse called.

Diane didn't stop. She didn't wanna talk or cry or get dressed. Not even to cover her backside that was consequently running free wearing a backless gown. Nothing was more urgent than to leave and start her life.

She ran past the counter and saw Gina, who quickly stood up and hustled with the bags.

Gina's eyes widened. "What's wrong?" But watching the weight lifted from Diane's face told her she changed her mind. "Shit, I'd wish you gave a better heads up if you needed a getaway driver!"

"No time! Let's go!" Dianne ran past her to the exit.

"We'll mail you back the gown!" Gina yelled in apology as she quickly ran after her half-naked best friend. Running behind her gave her a shocking view of Diane's bare ass. "Jesus Dee, why didn't you get dressed?" She hit the button to unlock the car, hoping Diane got to it soon without losing much of her dignity.

Diane shrugged. "I don't know. I just had to get outta there." She jerked the car door open and hopped in, plopping the clothes on her lap.

A second later, Gina jumped in and quickly buckled up. "Holy shit, I need to get in shape," she said breathless. She turned to Diane. "You alright?"

Diane felt the wave of emotion pummel her face, but nonetheless smiled, nodding. "Yeah," she said like a breath of relief. "I couldn't go through with it. I think I want to see what I'm made of. Wanna see what kinda mother I can be."

Gina reached over and hugged her grinning through the emotion. "You're going to be an amazing mommy, Dee. I'm not worried in the slightest. A little Dee and Christian spawn. It's gonna be such a handful."

Diane laughed with tears in her eyes. "I'm glad you're so confident. Because I'm scared as shit right now and have no idea what I'm doing."

"Oh, we'll figure it out, doll. You're not the first mommy-to-be who feels this way. You're not alone in this. Now, buckle up lady. You're riding for two now. Let's get you dressed and let's get Auntie Gina a big ass drink entailing vodka." She popped the gear and pulled out of the parking space.

Diane pulled the seatbelt over her and sat back as they drove away. She had no idea what the future would be now. Starting with the loss of Christian, life took her map and burned it to ashes. But all that mattered was that her child would come first. She'd pour as much love on her baby as she did with Christian and make a life for them both. Diane vowed not to be like her own mother and really spend time with her child. Nothing was gonna come between them. One thing she knew for certain about flying without a map: indeed her new world was going to be interesting.

###