"This could be a disaster, there's so many factors
Like, what if you freak out and then we're losin' it all
At the critical chapter where I say, "I love you"
And you don't say it after."
....

She couldn't even wait.

“Why are you stalling? You promised me you'll tell me the next time we meet,” she whines and tries to pull me backwards.

“Star, firstly, I need to get the gym quickly, secondly I didn't promise anything, thirdly, your grip on my wrist is too strong!”

She lets go my arm with a sheepish grin. I smile at her apologetically and continue on my way.

She's not going to make me miss my workout session today just because of a little chat. As much as I want to spend time with her…there are other parts of my life I need to attend to.

“But you'll tell me later?” she asks with a such a hopeful voice that I have to stop and turn around.

“Yeah…I will. When are you free today?”

“The evening?”

“And you won't be ditching your best friends?”

She rolls her eyes at me. “No I won't…I'm not a bad friend if that's what you think.”

“I didn't say that,” I murmur and resume walking.

“Okay good.”

***

I feel jacked as I step out of the gym, although I don't look as jacked as I'd like.

After I get home, eat, take my meds, do some homework, catch up on social media and end up taking a nap, I don't realise how much time has gone until an alarm on my phone starts to blare and jolts me out of my beautiful sleep.

“What the fuck is it?”

I hate alarms yet I keep setting them.

“Oh, shit.” I practically jump off the bed and and hurry to my closet to get changed. After I don a plain dark blue sweatshirt, dark jeans, put on my dark blue slip on sneakers, grab my small backpack and my phone, I dash out of the house.

We agreed to meet at the park and I surprisingly get there before her. I sit on a bench as I wait for her, occasionally taking pictures of things I find fascinating all around me like, two umbrella trees bending towards each other in a way that makes their branches cross or a group of kids sitting on the floor in a circle under a tree cross-legged, talking about something excitedly. I like the way that the shadow of the tree darkens the area they're sitting on so there's a way I set my camera that'll look like they're having some sort of dark, secret meeting, when ironically, the area around them is bright and sunny.

“Jordan?” someone calls from behind me as soon as I take the perfect picture. I jerk and the camera almost falls from my hands. I dive to grab it and find myself on the floor a second later, clutching my precious Leica in my hands.

I hear the sound of Star laughing over the chatter of people around me.
She walks over to me as I lay on the ground and raises a brow at me, still chuckling.

I blink up at her before sticking my hand up to grab her outstretched ones.

“Why did you get so startled like that?” she asks as I dust myself. I immediately reach out for the strap of my camera and attach it to it immediately. Then I breathe out.

“What do you do when someone appears out of nowhere and calls out your name, punch them in the face?” I scoff, ruffling my curls back in place.

“Yes, correct.” I roll my eyes at her and try my best to push my camera away from her line of sight but it doesn't work, of course.

“I saw the camera. You have to start talking now.”

I sigh a sigh of surrender and sit down on the bench.

“It's my favourite thing to do alright? Photography.”

“Aww, really?” she drawls, her eyes glowing as she reaches out to grab the camera. I move away from her and shake my head.

“Yeah…I love it so much. It…makes me feel happy.”

“Jordan, that's so adorable, I wouldn't have guessed!” My heart flutters at her enthusiasm.

“Really?” I raise a brow at her. “You never wondered why I always took pictures of the sky with my phone?”

“Well…I did a bit but I figured it was a common thing a lot people to do, take pictures of the sunset.” She shrugs. “But photography, Jordan that's amazing. How long have you been practicing? Can I see the pictures you've taken? Can you take a pic of me?”

Cute.

I shake my head and chuckle. “I've been doing it every since I was…11, I think. And sure you can see some and I could take a picture of you. I'd love to actually.”

I see her blush but I pretend not to notice as I turn back to my camera with a smile tugging at my lips.

She nods excitedly. It makes me happy to know that learning that I did photography makes her so excited meanwhile when she knew I played basketball she didn't really care. It gives me a little hope.

“So it's like your passion?” she asks as she shifts closer to me on the bench as I begin to swipe through pictures I want to show her.

“Passion?”

“Yeah… like what you actually want to do. You said you hated basketball. And until I learnt that you disliked it, it seemed like that was what you wanted to do with your life. But I can clearly see that photography is what you want to do.”

“Nah…I just like to do it. I wouldn't really call it a passion.” My heart tightens in my chest. She should stop.

“Jordan, I watched you for a while while you were taking those pictures. You don't just like photography. You adore it. If it's not your passion I don't know what is. Unless…you have something else you love more than it?”

“No…I don't,” I say stiffly and shut the camera off. She looks up at me startled.

“Hey, I didn't get to–”

“Star…stop trying to put things into my head. I like photography but that doesn't mean I'm going to take it up as a career or something.”

“Why not?” she asks quietly.

“Because I just can't.”

“Why not?”

I don't know who sounds more frustrated.

“Because my parents will kill me if I dare to even mention it.”

“But why? It's your life, your choice.”

“I don't want to talk about this,” I say abruptly in a strangled voice and then I make it more perky almost immediately “Hey Star, you know what, let's talk about you, okay? Please?”

“Um, sure…” she says, her expression a mix of confusion, hurt and surprise. “What do you wanna know?”

“Tell me about music. When did you start liking it?”

“Well,” she begins with a sigh. “I've known ever since I was like six years old or something.”

“Really?” I ask, slinging my camera off my neck and tucking it safely into my backpack to her dismay. I try my best not to feel guilty.

“Yeah, so my parents got divorced and my aunt and uncle took me in their home. Their house was really big and whenever I got bored, I'll just go around the house, wandering from room to room. I swear, every day, I discover a new room. So, one day in the middle of my search, I found this huge room filled with a million instruments and I was entranced immediately, to say the least.

“So I told them about it and discovered that my uncle was the musical one and he could play all those instruments. So…I begged him to teach me how to play every single one of them and before the age of sixteen I was a pro at everything concerning music.”

“Your parents are divorced?” I blurt before I could stop myself.

“Really?” She narrows her eyes at me. “That's the only thing you got from everything I said?”

“No, no…it's not,” I stutter, my cheeks burning. “I'm sorry. I did get everything you said. It's just…it was hard to ignore that. They got divorced when you were six years old?”

“Yeah…but I don't really care about it. It doesn't bother me much. They never cared, I never cared. And my aunt and uncle take care of me just fine.”

I was stunned. To be honest, I didn't know what was worse, having your parents divorced or having parents like mine. That was a shitty thing to say, I know. But still.

“I'm sorry.”

She waves it off with a small smile.

“So…um…” I scratch the back of my head. “I notice we barely talk about the one thing that even made us meet. Conan.”

Her lips stretch into a grin before she lets out a chuckle. “That's so true. Okay, so, what's your favourite Conan Gray song?”

“The song I was singing that day in the café.”

“Generation why?”

I nod with a smile. “You remember. And yours?”

“Overdrive.”

“Oh, I love overdrive! You're like an upbeat song person?”

“And you're like a sad depressed song person,” she says with an eye roll and a teasing smile tugging at her lips.

I let out a chuckle. “One, sad and depressed are almost like the same thing, two, I hope that's not you judging me.”

My heart beat halts for about two seconds when I feel her soft, warm hand move over mine and rest there.

“I'm not judging. I never judge music taste. That's like a crime for me…”

The rest of the words coming out her mouth fades away because now I can feel her fingers being entertwined with mine. I hope she can't hear the pounding in my chest.

Why is she doing this to me?

“... subjective. So whatever you listen to, I think it's amazing.”

I nod. “I agree.”

You agree? That's all you can say? Get yourself together, she doesn't even like you.

“Oh, yeah,” she rambles on. “I think you'd like to know that I was homeschooled for most of my life.”

She nods at my parted lips and wide eyes.

“I started going to an actual school from last year. It was so strange but luckily, Emily and Sam already went there so it was easier for me.” She looks at me softly and I can't help but stare back at her. “That's why I feel bad that you have to do this alone at school–I mean not that you can't do it on your own but like–”

I place my index finger on her lips and her eyes widen as she stares at me. Hey eyes comically moves downward to look at her lips and I find my eyes drawn there as well. I swallow.

You shouldn't be thinking about that. That's wrong.

I tear my gaze away and take my finger away, wondering if her lips are as soft as they felt just now during lip to lip contact.

I facepalm at my thoughts and shake my head to get rid of them.

“What's up?”

“You were…yapping,” I explain, running my fingers through my hair.

“Oh, oops, sorry.” She looks away sheepishly. My heart drops as I reach out to grab her chin softly, turning her face to look look at me.

“I didn't mean it like that. I just felt like you needed me to do something to stop you because you were going on and on…”

She laughs and shakes her head. “I get it.”

Is it me or is star acting nervous?

“You almost sounded like Emily.” I visibly cringe at the memory of her rambling like there's no tomorrow while batting her eyelashes in a way that scares me. I don't think of Star that way though. Her own yapping is cute.

“Emily? Like the one who's madly in love with you Emily?”

I cringe again at the thought and give her a nod.

“Yeah, once she starts talking it's like she won't stop until you walk away. It's kinda annoying. Although, I'm trying to find something endearing about it, in futility of course.”

My heart drops as she slips her hands away from mine, our fingers unentangling in the process. My hand suddenly feels colder than ever.

“Um did I say something wrong? I'm sorry if I did, I didn't mean to talk about your best friend that way –”

“It's not that. Emily is annoying, I know, but…she likes you. This is wrong,” she says, referring to both of us.

“Oh…” is the only thing I can say.

What does she mean? It's not like we're together or something. We're just friends. Hanging out.

Maybe I should ask her.

Before I get a chance to, she gets up immediately, glancing at her phone.

“That's her. I gotta go. See ya Jordan.” She gives me wave and walks off before I can say another word, leaving me there speechless and utterly confused, my heart beating erratically in my chest.

Was it possible that Star felt like there was something going on between us?

I think I have to find out.