"Tell me that you need me
Tell me that I'm loved
Tell me that I'm worth it
And that I'm enough."
....

I've always felt like I'm not good enough.

Not good enough to be loved, not good enough to be liked, not good enough to be happy…if that makes sense. All my life I've always felt…rejected. Like, someone would meet me and want to get to know me but then at a point when they really get to know me…they realise I'm not worth it and then they leave.

I don't know how it feels to be loved. There's isn't one person on the Earth I would be confident enough to say “of course I know this person loves me.”

Since it's mostly my fault, I trained myself to get used to it, I try to be busy, I always isolate. I'm an introvert so naturally, I like being alone but sometimes…the loneliness or rather…the hollow feeling in my heart gets worse, it gets heavier. Yeah, the irony. It’s so torturous sometimes I feel like giving up because what's the point?

Star- Callum’s café? After school today?

Tears sting my eyes and I blink them back because I don't want my teammates to see my cry.

Since I'm so used to believing and being proven that no one cares about me…I'm always in denial when someone does something that makes it seem like they care about me.

Why does she want to hang out with me?

I almost start to think she cares.

But then why would someone want to waste their precious time on you if they didn't care?

I don't know, she might want to kidnap me or something. She's being giving some signs.

Me - Sounds great. Five sounds okay?

She replies immediately

Star -  Sounds perf

I tuck my phone into my backpack with a smile and hurry on to the court where everyone is getting into their positions. I can't wait to get this stupid practice over with.

***

“Are you okay?” I have to ask. She's not smiling, making jokes or even making fun of me and that's strange. In the ten minute walk we took to Callum's café, we hadn't spoken a word to each other. I would've said something but I was scared she was still mad at me.

“Do I look not okay?” she snaps and I freeze, blinking in surprise.

She suddenly bursts out laughing at my expression.

“Um…”

“Chill, I'm just joking.”

I heave a sigh of relief. There she is.

“Oh…okay. That's good.” I rub my hands at the nape of my neck and look downward as we walk towards the entrance of the café.

“Hey…Jordan I'm not mad at you. It's okay. We're okay.”

I nod and give her a small smile but I worry that it's not convincing enough.

Why am I so scared? Why do I feel like bursting into tears? Oh yeah…that's because I have this constant fear that she's going to leave me soon anyway, just like everyone else.

She startles me by taking my hands in her soft, warm, small ones, causing my face to heat up, and dragging me to a free table.

The butterflies that appeared suddenly a few days ago when I met her, suddenly materializes in my stomach and I try to distract myself from them by looking towards the counter. That was a mistake. In fact coming here was a mistake.

I let go of her hand as soon as we get to the table and she turns to me, eyes wide.

“Um…you know I'm not supposed to have coffee until the end of the month.”

My eyebrows furrow as she lets out a chuckle.
“I know. That's why I told Alan not to give it to you… no matter how much you beg him.”

I'm simultaneously annoyed and impressed so I just give her a wry smile and shake my head before taking a seat.

“You never cease to amaze me.”

“Neither do you.” I raise a brow at her.

“So…what're we ordering?” I try and try my best to not think of this as a date no matter how badly I want to. We're just hanging out. Simple as that.

She doesn't answer me so I ask again. She still doesn't. I see her staring down at her phone screen, wrinkled lines across her forehead and her fingernails between her incisors.

“Everything…okay with your phone?”

Her head snaps up in a flash and she gives me an apologetic smile.

“Sorry…it's just…I feel so guilty.” Her pretty doe eyes bores into mine with such an intensity that I don't know whether I want to look away or keep staring.

“About…?” I manage.

“I skipped music practice and…lied to my best friends that I had a really important test to study for…”

My forehead creases as I try to comprehend what she's trying to say.

“Why? Wait…so you could hang out with me?” The disbelief in my voice is palpable.

She looks away shyly and I swear I could see a faint blush creeping up her cheeks.

“Maybe…yeah…I don't know…”

My stomach flips and my heart begins to pound hard in my chest.

“Why would you do that?”

“I don't know…” She drops her head into her palm and sighs.

“Star…as much as I find this to be a really cute gesture, which I can't even believe, I don't think you should risk all that for me.”

“Why not?” she asks with a pout.

“Um…because…” I struggle to get my brain to power back on. “Because…I'm not worth it.”

Her expression morphes into something that scares me a little. Is she mad?

“What the hell does that even mean? Of course you are, you idiot, or else I wouldn't have done it!”

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry…” I raise my hands up in surrender. “But seriously, you shouldn't –”

“I thought it through, okay? Sam and Emily will understand because they know I always take my studies seriously and my music teacher lets my absence slide occasionally so it's alright.”
She doesn't look like she thinks it's alright. She looks scared.

I drop my head into my hands and murmur “Star…you were the one who told me that your best friends have been noticing that you're spending less time with them and they're mad about it. You can't keep doing this. You can't risk that friendship because of me. As much as I want to be here with you, I feel like it's wrong.”

She drops her head on the table and doesn't look up for a while. I don't mind, I'm still processing all this.

She finally looks up with a wide grin and asks me what I want to order…besides coffee.

Okay sure, we'll just pretend that the past few minutes didn't happen.

“Ice cream, chocolate flavour.”

“Great, I'll be back with our orders.”

“Okay.”

***

“I've been thinking, since you left, about the whole thing and…I felt guilty that you're risking all this for me so I decided that I'm…gonna tell you a bit more about myself.”

“Really?” She eyes widen as she sticks a spoonful of strawberry ice cream into her mouth.

“It's the least I could do.”

After I take a few spoons of my ice cream, I gather all the courage I have and begin.

“Well, for starters, my full name is Jordan Elijah Finch.”

She laughs at the introduction.

“I'm 18 years old, I'm a blond white male–”

“Oh…thank you for that valuable piece of information, you know I used to think you were a brown haired Asian female.”

I chuckle and then continue. “My favourite colour is dark green, like army green and my favourite food is–”

“Coffee.”

“Well, correct but my favourite thing to eat is lasagna.”

“Okay, good to know. Now tell me the interesting things!!” she's halfway through her hair ice cream and I've barely touched mine but I don't mind. Strangely…I'm liking this. Talking about myself to someone who acts like they care actually feels nice.

“Back in my last school, I used to be really popular. I play basketball and I'm really good at it so I have a lot of eyes on me. I hang out all the time with my jock mates and go to all these sick parties…which I absolutely hate–”

“Oh yeah? Why? Being able to attend popular school parties is like every middle and high schooler's dream.”

“I hated basketball.”

She spoon in her hand hangs mid air and then is dropped slowly into her ice cream.

“I mean I hate basketball. I always have and I always will.”

“But…you…it's like…a major part of your life. I mean it's how you even got into Madison high in the first place right?”

“Yeah, that's very correct. Doesn't change the fact that I hate it.”

I hope the disdain in my voice is as apparent as I'd like.

She takes the last spoon of her ice cream in silence and I resume eating mine.

“So…what do you love?”

I look up from the cold, brown cream below me with widened eyes. I didn't expect her to ask me that.

“W-what I love?”

“Yeah? Hobbies…your real passion?”

“Oh um…” I begin but then a smirk tugs my lips upwards. “Next time.”

She stares at me indignantly but then she surrenders with a nod. “Fine.”