"Pull the trigger on the gun
I gave you when we met
I wanna be close to you."
....

I zone out about ten times in the middle of the conversation we're having as we stroll through the city.

" ...and that's why I never use an electric guitar anymore. Jordan...?"

I blink a few times before I zone back into reality. This is the eleventh time.

My hands move involuntarily to my forehead and I shut my eyes tight. I'm so fond of this.

This is why I never have any friends...yeah I wish that was it.

"Are you okay?" I don't turn to read her expression because I'm scared she's already irritated with me.

"No...I'm- I mean yes...I'm fine. I just...I'm sorry."
She halts in the middle of the side walk and gestures for me to shift farther away from the road side. When I don't budge she sighs and drags me from my wrist.

Damn, she's touchy.

"You've done this about a million times now. I'm starting to get worried."

Correction. Eleven times.

"I'm fine," I snap and she flinches in surprise.

"I'm sorry..." she whispers softly. My heart drops.

"No, I'm sorry. I have been zoning out a lot now and I shouldn't have snapped at you. It's just...I'm stressed?"

"Oh..."

"Yeah..." I suddenly feel stupid for saying it. Nobody cares anyway. I don't even know why I told her.

"Any specific reason for your stress?"

I look away. I don't tell people about myself. They barely know past the hot, chill, funny façade I put up for them and they don't need to know past it.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to pry."

"PTSD. I know that's not an excuse though," I add quickly.

"Oh shit...I'm so sorry."

I give a lazy smile. "It's fine. Let's talk about other things." My voice is clearly strained and I know she notices because she looks away.

It always goes like this. They want to get to know me and then I do this and then they get irritated and leave.

"Hey..." I begin. "I'm sorry if I've made things weird. I just...I'm used to...I mean I don't usually get close to..." I sigh. I can't even form coherent sentences now.

Tears prick the corner of my eyes. I can't believe I'm going to just lose her now. Just because I'm so fucked in the head and can't overcome the fucking fear of getting close to anyone.

"You don't get close to anyone?" she asks in the most patient, understanding voice I've ever heard.

How is she still here?

I can only nod since my speech centre is turned off temporarily.

"You're scared of getting close to people. It's normal. I totally understand."

"No, it's not that." Great they're working now.

"It's what then?"

"I...just can't get close to anyone. That's it." I know that that was the most vague explanation ever but I am not to be judged.

"Okay..." she says and lets out a sigh of frustration. "So...do you want me to leave?"

No. Please no.

"No...I don't know."

She nods. "Let me make the decision for you."
Then she turns the other way and starts to head back.

My brain turns off for a second and I suddenly whip around and grab her by her wrist, making her stumble. Then I pull her towards me, causing her to land on my chest.

Oh, fun.

She pushes her head back and stares up at me with an amused smile. I find myself lost in her eyes for a moment before she brings the blissful moment to an end by pushing herself away from me.

I swallow and look away, running my hands through my hair. When I look back at her, I notice she follows the movement of my hand as it runs along my hair. I don't blame her. It's kinda hypnotising.

"I'm sorry...I shouldn't have done that. I didn't want you to leave."

Her eyes shut tightly and crinkles at the corners as she lets out a laugh.

"God, you're so dramatic!"

I can't help the smile that pulls at the corner of my lips. I feel my face getting hot. I guess I was a little dramatic. I should chill, we just met.

"I'm sorry."

"You say that too much," she points out.

"I'm..." I let out a breathy chuckle as she raises her eyebrows at me. "So...you wanna keep walking and talking?"

"Yeah. Now you've made yourself even more intriguing."

"Have I?"

"Yeah. It's so annoying how much I want to know about you-and not your cute lips."

I raise my hands in surrender. "I think it's because I deliberately make myself mysterious. And people hate not knowing stuff. Especially when the stuff is as gorgeous as me."

"And do they ever get to know you?" she asks, ignoring my last sentence.

"Only a few."

"Am I going to be a part of that few?"

"Maybe."

"Challenge accepted." I raise my brows at her. "So...you don't want to get close to people, you don't want people to know about you...why? Scared of something?"

"Why do you even think getting to know me would be worth it?" I blurt, feeling uncomfortable as she tries to analyse me.

"I don't know if it will be worth it or not but I just want to get to know you. You're charming, funny and you love Conan. Whether you like it or not, we're becoming besties," she jokes.

"Okay," I say with a chuckle before my phone buzzes in my pocket. I take it out and look at the message that pops up.

Albert: you still coming?

Me: yeah I'm on my way

"Who's that?"

"The friend I'm supposed to meet. He's waiting for me."

"You should go."

I stop and look at her, hesitant to leave. This might be the last time I'll see her. I don't want that. Even after all the battles I'm having in my head, all the noise that is telling me to not want to get close to her. In the end, the warm, cosy feeling in my chest wins.

"I'll need your number."

***

"No way..."

"I'm serious dude. It's getting published!"

I stare at him dumbfounded for a few seconds before a smile begins to tug at my lips.

"Dude congrats!"

I move forward to give him a hug but then I rethink it. I fold my hands to give him a fist pump.

To my surprise, he gets down from the table he's sitting on and envelopes me in a hug. Stunned, I stand there for a moment before I find myself and wrap my arms around him.

His shoulders start to shake a little and soon I realise he's crying.
"I'm glad you're here Jordan."

Oh...

"Of course. Anytime," I stutter as I try to console him. "I'm proud of you."

He pulls away after a while, the embarrassment of hugging me finally settling in, and swiftly wipes his eyes with the sleeve of his black cardigan.

We're both silent for while until he speaks.
"I'm...I'm sorry for everything that happened. You betrayed us and we were really hurt."

"I know. And I regret it everyday. I didn't mean to hurt you guys but now there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm glad you're here too. You're the only person that stuck around after everything and I really appreciate that. More than you know."

We're not usually the touchy feely type of people who talk about their feelings like that but I guess it's necessary sometimes. And plus...I'm still feeling a little giddy and lightheaded from the whole thing with that girl, Star.

"You're never seeing that side of me again by the way," he mumbles, stuffing his hands into his pockets and looking past me.

I chuckle. "Same here. So...TJ and Felix really left you because they found you were hanging out with me?" I ask as I recall the information he gave me a few minutes ago.

"Yeah," he says with a sigh as he pushes himself up to sit on the table. "They just deserted me...like we did to you. Now I'm alone like you are." He adds a short laugh at the end to lighten the mood. It doesn't work.

"You don't have to make me feel bad about that all the time, especially when you know it's not my fault," I murmur as I stroll to the open laptop beside him. The dark, mostly empty, stuffy garage we usually hang out at his house always gives me the creeps. But then Albert always gives me the creeps so I'm kinda used to the creeps.

"How is it not your fault? You fuck up all the time and then everyone leaves you, simple as that."

I look up at him from the bright laptop screen that illumites a corner of the room with a glare.
"You know it isn't...besides I'm willing to try again with new people. I can't be cursed forever, hopefully."

"Really? What made you so willing all of a sudden? I swear to God that you were planning to live the rest of your life alone."

"I met a girl."

"Oh yeah?" his voice is laced with utter suprise.

"Her name's Star."

"Damn...I haven't seen you with that look on your face since Eliza."

I can feel my heart clenching in my chest and my fists balling up involuntarily.

"Don't do that. Leave the past in the past."

"I'm sorry. I was just being honest. Who is this Star anyway? And what makes her so amazing?"

"I don't know...there's just something about her. For some reason I'm willing to try to get close to her."

"You know you're putting her at risk for that right?"

"I know...but it could turn out great." I try to sound and feel hopeful but all I feel is this sense of impending doom. My brain threatens to start bringing up every possible thing that could go wrong. I notice my breaths are getting shallow.

Fuck anxiety.

"You should tell her. She has to know what she's getting into."

"I know...I will. And I'm willing to take the risk. My heart is also on the line too you know?"

"Yeah...I know. Good luck. I'm always here whenever you get your heart broken."

"Hey!" I cry and lunge at him. He dodges my fist amidst his cackling.

I check my phone. Past 7pm. Gotta start heading home so I won't be late for dinner. My existence is enough for my parents to get mad at me. I don't want to do anything else wrong.

"Congrats again on the publishing man. That's dope. I'm expecting my copy anytime soon."

"Of course," he said with a sigh and jumps down from the table, sensing that our conversation is over.

"Later bro." I give him my signature two finger salute and he nods at me before I leave.

***

As I stroll home that quiet night, listening to Conan Gray's Astronomy, I look up at the sky. There are stars littered everywhere across the pretty midnight blue sheet. I can see the moon peeking out halfway through the sky, glowing, looking down on me as if saying I'm here.

I smile. That's why I love nature. It's always here with me no matter what. Oh and coffee of course.

I take out my phone and tap the camera app. I raise it into the air and take a step back so I can capture as much area of the sky as I possibly can. Once I decide that the view I have is perfect, I take the picture and a few more before I'm satisfied. I let out a sigh and pocket the phone.

It's like the sky wants me to think of her tonight. Who am I kidding, I don't think I'm gonna sleep tonight. It'll be partly insomnia, partly Star today. I hope the stars stay out a bit longer for me. And I hope she does too.