I exhaled deeply, lowering the weights. I have been training in my gym for hours now. It's already been days since the slip up at little Flame's house. Even the quiet peace in my own mansion did nothing to soothe me today.

I shouldn't have said those words.

Part of me knew that she was not deeply asleep. I knew my little Flame by heart. Every little detail about her. The crease between her eyebrows when Elysium was sick. The soft sigh of contentment after her first sip of latte early morning. The way she liked to sleep at night curled up on her side when it was cold. How she enjoyed sunsets in winters and rainy days in summer. How she would always tie her hair back when helping Elysium with schoolwork. How she would do a messy bun when cleaning the house.

The way she laughed and her eyes twinkle with longing at romantic scenes in dramas. How much passion she danced with, as if that was her breath. The tenderness with which she stared at me and Elysium. The rhythm of her breath when she was asleep.

I knew she was feigning sleep. But I said it anyway, maybe because for once I wanted her to know I loved her passionately even if I couldn't have her.

I knew deep down she loved me. She never dated anyone. She only ever stared at me with unconditional love, adoration and longing. Having observed her for years, I knew her expressions. Memorised them all. I knew love when I saw it. She loved me. And that made it harder to hold back but I did.

All those years. But even in high school and then after, I never allowed guys to even get close to her. They feared me and knew to keep away from her. That soothed my instincts that wanted to cherish her and made it a little bit easier to simply settle with being her best friend instead.

But it was a dilemma. Celine deserved to be loved. Cherished. Adored. Worshipped. Pampered. Doted upon.

I couldn't offer all those things to her as deeply as I wanted and yet the idea of another man loving her that way tore my heart apart. I still shouldn't have said anything. She didn't confront me yet about it but it was coming. I knew it. What would I tell her?

That I was the heir of a crime family. The heir of an empire that had thrived on blood money for generations and generations and because of great grandfather's values and commandments, I couldn't be with her. Of fucking course I could not tell her that.

But I wanted to tell her desperately.

Still..I couldn't risk it. The Castillo family kept that secret for years and it had to stay that way. Father would have my head for sure if I said something to Celine. He only tolerated my friendship with her because of mom and his love for mom.

Sighing, I stared at the tattoos covering the length of my arms, back and chest. Tattoos I had hidden from her for years because most of them had something in relation to her. While the rest were tattoos that spoke to me on a soul level. I still couldn't let her see them though. I wasn't ready to answer the questions that would come with it.

'My little Flame' was etched on my chest where my heart was. Other tribal tattoos took the rest of the space on my chest mapping out a tapestry of ink, covering scars from killing contracts and bullet wounds. Scars I never wanted but carried anyway.

On my right arm, there was the tattoo of a Ballerina in a swan position, my little Flame's favourite ballet position. The outfit of the ballerina tattooed on my right arm almost seemed inflamed. Below it, moon flower vines covered my entire arm with droplets of blood on the vines.

Moonflowers were what I always gave her because for me, she bloomed in a dark gritty world, flourishing into a beautiful angel that had no place in such a wicked world and yet managed to thrive despite it.

The blood on the vines was me. The blood on my hands. The blood etched into my family name and legacy. One I never wanted to taint her with.

On my left arm, there was a skull surrounded by cherry blossom vines, her favourite perfume. Followed by hands joined together and the words 'Only God can judge me' etched below it in a red ribbon tied around the joined hands.

On my back, there was a massive grim reaper tattoo taking up the length of my back and spine. What I was, in the underworld, what my family was deep down. Grim Reapers.

The words 'Vivamus, moriendum est' were inked just above the grim reaper on my upper back :

Let us live since we must die.

I knew death was inevitable and one day I would have to pay for my sins but these words were my motto. A reminder that because death was inevitable, I should embrace and cherish the present moment rather than taking life for granted. And I wanted to do just that. Have a peaceful life with My Little Flame and Elysium before giving my last breath.

But I couldn't be a grim reaper and have a peaceful life at the same time.

My little Flame would still have my heart though. She called me her Sun in Spanish. But she was the flames with which I burned with such vigor, flames I was hell bent on protecting. Cherishing. Loving. Even while shackled.

My phone rang, snapping me out of my thoughts. I stared at the caller Id.

My Beloved Mother.

She always loved face timing. According to her, video calls were the only thing that didn't rob her of her son's face. My loving mother.

Plastering a bright smile, I picked up the call "Mamá,cómo has estado?"

(translation : Mom, how have you been?)

"Hijo, estoy muy bien ! tú cómo has estado? ¿Te ves cansado ? Estás comiendo bien?" Mom replied, her pitch black eyes so similar to mine filled with love and concern.

(translation : Son, I'm doing very well! How have you been? You look tired-are you eating well?)

"Mom I'm alright, you worry too much I'm eating well" I mumbled, switching back to english despite knowing I was in for an earful by my mom in colourful Spanish words.

"Diablos! Yo te di a luz. Sé cuándo algo te preocupa, jovencito. Te ves agotado. Suéltalo, o iré para allá con mi espátula y, tal vez después de una buena paliza, aprendas a ser sincero con tu madre." Mom chided, making me grimace. Yep. Exactly what I expected.

(translation : Damnation! I gave birth to you. I know when something is worrying you, young man. You look exhausted. Out with it, or I'll come over there with my spatula-and maybe after a good beating,you'll learn to be honest with your mother.)

I sigh. "I was just thinking the usual, Mamá"

Silence greeted me. I stared at mom's eyes on the screen filled with sorrow, guilt and understanding. That's precisely why I didn't want to tell her. Deep down, mom felt guilty for having birthed me into such a family especially when she could tell how painful it was for me to not be able to marry the woman I love but mom loved me. And without her, growing up into the Castillo family would have been harder. I could never resent my beloved mother for that.

"Oh, hijo mío.. I'm sorry.. I.."Mom trailed off staring into the distance, lost for words.

(Oh, hijo mío - Oh, my son)

I shook my head. "Mamá, it's not your fault. If there's one thing I don't regret is having you as my mom. I don't want you to be sad for something you can't control"

Mom looked down taking a deep breath before staring up. "No, My child. It shouldn't be like that. You shouldn't have to stay away from someone you adore because of us. And I wish I could change things but your father.."

"Father has always been traditional. And we both know he would never accept it, it's something I have accepted. Even if it's painful" I whispered quietly.

"Maybe.. We could pass it on to someone else.. Someone we trust.. Someone in power." Mom said, her brows creased.

"That's not how it works, Mamá. You know that better than anyone. You were born into a family like this too. Were you given a choice into who you wanted to be?"I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No and that's precisely why I wanted things to be different for you" Mom said gently.

"You did make it different. And I will remind you a thousand times about it. Mamá, without you, I don't think I would have gotten the opportunity to have a normal childhood, go to high-school and meet Celine or even become a glass artist. You gave me a piece of heaven in this dark world I was born into and I'm forever grateful for that."I said, offering my mom a soft genuine smile.

Mom smiled back finally.

A small win.

"But you're not happy. I know it" Mom said, her eyes gaining a hollow look that I didn't like.

"With you by my side and Celine, I'm at peace, and for now that's more than I could have asked for" I responded even if the words tasted like ashes. Mom was right. I wasn't truly happy.

"I got to go now, Mamà. I promise I'll visit soon"I said before she could further guilt herself more.

Mom nodded knowing me well enough to understand I didn't want to talk about this again. We have had this conversation far too many times.

"Te quiero, hijo."Mom said, eyes shining with affection but I knew she was still sad.

(Te quiero, hijo-I love you, son)

"Te quiero, mamá."I whispered before ending the call.

(Te quiero, Mamá-I love you, ma)

I ran my fingers through my hair, staring at the ground in silence.

People sometimes envied me for being born into such a wealthy family of prestige and high status but they never realised the weight it entailed. The values. Traditions. Customs. Boundaries. And commandments we had to follow. The pressure, the weight of it all.

Maybe in another life, I could just be a normal man who was born into a normal family living a peaceful married life with Celine.

But in this life, marrying her would only shackle her to a bloody lifestyle she didn't deserve.

She was not weak. Far from that. She was strong. Independent. Elegant. Tender. Caring. Compassionate. Fierce.

She could handle my world. I knew she could but Elysium was just a child. And a child had no place here.

I swallowed down this bitter truth, closing my eyes. My heart burning with sorrow for the love it held was an impossible love.