Mello my little snowflakes.

The Snow Girl here, Brouwer Power, whatever you wanna call me,

It's all cool.

Wow, it's really...

It's really been a year now, hasn't it.

Wrote a 50 thousand word novel,

Turned it into an editor, expecting another month before I get it back,

Got through my sophomore year...

And I...

And I have been gone.

But all through this time, I have been trying to push this sick feeling away from me, this weight on my heart I could never lift, but only struggle to ignore.

I...

I have missed you guys.

So much.

I would just long to be around you guys, missing all the good times we had had together.

I must elaborate further why I left, as at the time, I didn't feel the confidence to articulate how I felt.

You see, I have learned that how I used to write on Wattpad is nothing CLOSE to how you write a novel in real life.

On Wattpad, I would post a story chapter by chapter. I'd write a chapter, go over and edit it, and then put it out into the world. I would sometimes have schedules. Write a new chapter once a week, in chronological order to the story. And I'd have to get it right the first time because of this.

But in real life, this is nothing even close to how it works. Not in real life. You sometimes skip literally chapters and chapters into the story, sometimes to the end, to write a chapter and then work backwards. Sometimes you get a new idea or realize you messed up big time, and you have to go back through each thread of the story to fix it, something I literally had to do DAYS before I had to turn my manuscript in to my editor last week. 11th hour changes are just part of it!

You take breaks. I once went a month without writing anything to my story. And that was a good thing. Taking a step back and giving myself a break gave me mental space to come back in with a fresh perspective, and I solved a lot of problems in the story because of it.

But, when I wrote on Wattpad, not writing the whole story first and then editing it and THEN posting it on the Internet, there was no room for mistakes. There was no room to take a step back and say "I messed up. I need to take this out or put this in. I've painted myself into a corner and I can't get out."

Anyone remember Mum? I had a scene where there was this super duper cliff hanger scene where the protagonist was in a tree and was about to be bitten by a black mamba, a snake in Africa that is considered to be the most venomous snake in the world.

But after I posted the chapter and walked away from it feeling satisfied at how much of a cliffhanger I had left, I realized I had NO idea how I was going to get her out of there. Nothing that didn't scream for an "Ex machina" ding from CinemaSins. I couldn't think of anything. But I couldn't go back. I laugh now thinking of what a friend of mine posted as a comment after I posted a follow up chapter.

#ConvenientSnakeEagle

They meant it in the best way, but it was true! But under the pressure of solving it and posting the next chapter as people waited, I couldn't go back and change it. It was literally my fault, and my fault only, and I shouldn't have been so desperate to get the next chapter out for you guys as to not plan through it, but that's what I did. And that, believe me, is something I have learned from.

So yay!

And that's why my old way of writing on Wattpad was a poison to my creativity. Getting the next part of the book out there as soon as possible killed my drive to write.

Writing takes so much blood, sweat, and tears from you. It drains you of so much mental and emotional energy. It can be awesome, amazing, and totally worth it, if it's a story you have so much of a fire burning in your and a passion for as you write said story. It's basically like raising a child, if such a child was a bunch of text on a screen with characters and a story line you stay up to 3 AM on school nights to chip away at finally finishing it. But it doesn't matter! It doesn't matter how much work it is. It doesn't matter how tired you are and how much you hate yourself the next morning. It doesn't matter how much emotion you give into this project. Because you love it. It's the one. The idea. It's a click in your mind, a fire burning that roars at you that YOU MUST write this.

But if it's not?

If it's not an idea you really have the right drive, or a good enough idea to pursue?

It is living heck.

And that's... That's how I kinda felt about Mum. That part of my life was over. I wanted to move on. I wanted to pursue something new that I really cared about. I had so many newer fresher ideas I wanted to discover and let me take me somewhere.

But on Wattpad, if you start something and post it and get about halfway through or so but realize you maaaay or may not have the will inside of you to finish it, you are literally trapped. If you don't finish it, you disappoint everyone that ever invested emotional energy in it, like pulling the plug on a show and canceling it during it's climax. It's horrible, and a crime against humanity (Well not but pretty much. I am so mad about Agent Carter being canceled.)

What are you supposed to do?

And that was the tug of war in my heart during the eighth grade and my freshman year. I would lie on my bed, just hating myself so much. I had a break down in front of my guidance councilor when we were having a meeting with the objective to discuss the stress that was in my life. I was so afraid of disappointing anyone, disappointing you, but at the same time, writing it was such a struggle that I just remained in this swirling purgatory.

I am glad that chapter of my writing life is over.

And now I can finally open a new one.

And so, as soon as my editor and I are done working on my novel, I will begin a schedule where I will post one chapter a week while I work on sending my book to a publishing house.

And I will do everything in my power to keep what happened with Mum to never happen again.

I will never be able to say this enough. You guys will never, EVER (How many evers do I need to express such a feeling??? Humanity will never be able to wrap their head around such a number) know how much Wattpad has impacted me, how it has altered the course of my life. I know it probably sounds really cheesy, but without your support, without your kind words and encouragement from DAY ONE, I would have never opened up and discovered my love for writing.

For the rest of the summer, until around the end of the first week of August, when school starts up for me, (and most likely I will be able to continue afterwards when my homework and my other annoying life demands have been dealt with), I'm going to do my very best to just help anyone that just wants to talk about their book, their life, anything. I just want to be there for you if you need me to. I just want to be WITH you guys again.

I love you.

I have missed you.

You will never know how much my heart has ached.

Thank you for understanding that I needed a break, time to close myself up, time to learn, and time to find myself in my novel.

But I am ready to come back.

Boy I wish they hadn't canceled Peggy Carter.

ANYWAY

LOVE YOU GUYS STAY SAFE BYE

If you didn't read any of that because it was the freaking Constitution, ('MERICA), I'm back.

HELLO WORLD