CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

Hannah awoke the next day feeling a little sick, the discoveries of the previous few days rushing against her mind like a tsunami of self-despair. She stumbled across her room with her hand over her face, shielding her eyes from the morning light until she got to the bathroom. Staring at her red rimmed eyes in the mirror, she sighed, the sound sharp against the stillness.

"I can't go to school like this," she whispered to her reflection, fingers shaking against her toothbrush. "They'll eat me alive."

Her encounter with Ashlyn and Gabriel was still the talk of the school, voices gossiping loudly whenever they were around her. She had heard people whispering about her relationship with Gabe, about her mother and the secrets she had worked so hard to bury. And on top of that, a lot of people didn't seem to be too impressed with the way she had reacted, believing she should have accepted it. But Hannah was a fighter; despite the way her bones felt like they were shattering to dust and the way her heart ached, she knew she would get through it.

Hannah had been trying to achieve perfection for so long that she found she was exhausted, wanting to let go of her life. But she wouldn't give up, she would stand strong and make their way through the storm despite the hardships.

She had no other choice.

Once she'd eaten some cereal and thought about all that had happened, digesting the events of the previous few days, Hannah decided to stay home. She needed to think about it all, to allow the revelations to sink into her thoughts until she could nit-pick them all without getting unnecessarily angry.

She wanted to think about her father - Chris Davis - and work out whether it was worth trying to find him or not. She didn't really want to, not believing that he deserved her. She knew his name and his race and that was enough, wasn't it? But she couldn't deny the curiosity, gnawing into her until it was almost painful. She wanted to know him, wanted to fill in that missing gap in her life. She wanted to know how much of her was like Chris, how much she took after the father she had never been allowed to think about.

"I need a day off," she explained to Cam in her bedroom, as she poured out a tiny amount of pellets for the scared bunny to eat, smiling at the way he crunched loudly. "I know you're worried about me but I just want to think about everything and not have to put on a happy face to people who are only waiting for me to fall. Let me just spend some time with Puddles and just relax, okay."

Cameron guffawed. "You named him Puddles?"

Hannah put her hands on her hips and glared at him defensively. "It's a cute name so shush. I like it. He's my new best friend because Ashlyn is apparently a bitch and you're being annoying."

Cameron threw an arm around her. "Whatever. I'm amazing." When she only snorted good-naturedly, he continued, his tone dropping more seriously. "I wanted to say... it's Tyler's birthday tomorrow. His brother's throwing him a party and I'd really like for you to come with me. He told his best mates about me and they want to meet me and well, I'm dragging you along too."

Hannah bit her lip and thought about it, doubt clouding her features. Before she could think of an excuse, he continued, trying to convince her. Truth be told, he himself was nervous to meet his boyfriends friends. He'd never had that problem before, not caring about what people thought of him. But this was different, this was Tyler and Cameron had realised how much he cared about the cheeky musician.

"One of his best friends passed away recently, in a car accident near that ice-skating rink that Kalila works in on the other side of town. Ty thinks it would be good for them if they can focus on something else to keep them distracted for the mean time instead of think about her death. C'mon Hannah, please?"

Hannah winced when she realised how awful it must be to lose a friend in such a horrible way, giving in to his puppy dog eyes. "Oh God, that's terrible! Alright, I'd love to come."

Cameron wrapped an arm around her shoulders, his dark eyes brightening considerably. "Really? Cheers, smelly."

She nodded, laughing at the way he reverted into a child whenever he was genuinely happy. In front of others he didn't really show it, hiding behind a wall of indifference. It was a part of him that was reserved solely for her. And Tyler too, she now realised.

"Of course. I know it means a lot to you and I wanna make you happy. So shut up and get out of here! Me and Puddles need to bond and you need to get ready for school before you're late."

She pushed him out of her room and kicked her door shut, turning to face the timid grey rabbit.

"It's just the two of us, eh Puddles?"

She spent the time wisely, watching the rabbit explore her room whilst she typed up essays and went over her homework until she felt confident in the knowledge absorbed. Just because the social aspect of school had fallen apart didn't mean she could slack on the academics. And when the words began to blur, she took a break, fiddling around with the few willow toys she had purchased for her new furry friend.

A little while later she was lying on her bed, head hanging off the side, watching Puddles get confused at her upside down state when her phone rang. With a scramble across the room to turn off the sound before her rabbit became more scared, she cradled it between her ear and shoulder.

"Hello?" she whispered, without so much as a glance at the screen to see who it was.

"Um, hi, Hannah."

It was Rayne, his voice a little quieter than normal but unmistakeable. In fact, she was rather surprised she had recognised his voice – after all, they hadn't known each other that long.

With a quick glance at the name on the screen to confirm it, she perched on the edge of her bed and replied. "Hey, Rayne."

"How... um, how are you?"

Hannah bristled, an instinct drummed into her so deep that it took her a moment to realise she didn't need to have her guard up around him. "I'm okay, still standing," she answered, truth seeping into her words like flowing ink – she wasn't going to let anyone push her down like Ash and Gabe were trying to. "How about you?"

She could hear the smile in his voice as he answered her, a soft lilt against his words. "I'm good, thank you. It's just that you're not in today so I thought I'd check up on you."

He still had a tinge of hesitation in his voice – as though he felt he didn't have any right to check up on her – but the warmth that spread through her was momentous. She felt like sunlight was flitting through her veins in that moment, her eyes brightening. With fingers slowly scratching the top of her bunny's head, she tried to formulate a response that showed how much she appreciated his concern.

"Thank you, Rayne," she whispered, feeling rather pathetic that she could only manage a measly three words. But the raw honesty was so evident even to her herself that she blurted out the next thing without thinking. "Do you wanna come over today, after school, to finish this stupid essay once and for all?"

He sounded a little startled but really, she couldn't blame him. The last time he had suggested going to her house, she had abruptly brushed him off and she knew he had taken offense. He had assumed it was because she didn't want anyone as poor and quiet and, well, as boring as him around her picture-perfect life. But that couldn't be further than the truth, Hannah simply embarrassed for him to take a step in the house that held so much of her inside. Her house, and particularly her bedroom, showed exactly the type of person she was – a complete contrast to the glamorous façade she painted on every day.

"Really?" His words slipped out a little louder than they both expected, the surprise evident. "I mean, er, yeah sure. That sounds good. How about you text me your address and I'll make my way over after my last lesson?"

Hannah nodded with a smile, realising a little too late that he couldn't see it. "Yup," she chirped, looking down at the grey ball of fluff on her lap sniffing her ankles. "I'll do that now."

"Okay," he replied, about to say something else but cut off with a shrill ringing in the background. "That's the end of lunch, I'll see you soon, Hannah."

"Yeah, bye!" The dial tone was faint as he hung up, a low buzz in her ear. "Thanks for calling," she whispered to herself before coming to her senses and turning her phone off, climbing off her bed with the wriggly rabbit in her arms. She settled him down in the hutch they'd bought from Rubie's Rabbit Rescue and shut the door, pulling her clothes off one by one until she was naked in the middle of her bedroom.

Standing around nude wasn't really something she did often but Cameron wasn't home and she really needed a shower, a small rush of rebellion wading through her bones. With her clothes rolled up in her hands, Hannah began to make her way to the bathroom but paused at her mirror, taking her reflection in.

She started from the bottom, gaze flicking over her legs and the small scars lining her knees that she got from all the times she had fallen when playing with Cam as kids. She looked at the faint stretch marks lining the sides of her hips, evidence from her awkward puberty phase and the slight pudge of her stomach. Her knees were a little knobbly, ears a little too big for her face, elbows pointy. Hannah's gaze ran over her entire body, pausing at her breasts. She looked at the way they were a little too far apart, the way her nipples contrasted with her skin, the way they moved when she turned around. Her sight ran over her back, the trail of thin black hair running down her spine and a few small scars from where she'd picked at spots years ago. She looked at her bum, the back of her thighs and the way it all wobbled a little. And then she stepped closer, looking at her face.

She analysed the arch of her eyebrows, the rise of her cheekbones, the slight upwards curl of her lashes. Her gaze flickered over her nose, the way she was never satisfied with it and her uneven lips. And then, with a deep breath, she looked herself in the eyes. She took in the various shades of brown swirling around her irises and smiled widely, watching the way they shone beneath her bedroom light.

And for the first time in her life, Hannah recognised her reflection as her own. For the first time in her life, she didn't see her mother staring back at her.

She was her own person.

---

Hannah had finished her shower and given Puddles some more hay to nibble on when the doorbell rang, piercing against the stark silence of the house. Clad only in an oversized navy jumper and leggings, she opened the front door with a smile, letting Rayne in.

He hadn't been sure when he'd arrived at the address she had texted him, confused at the road. He was expecting her house to be near their school, large and intimidating with black gates wrapped around it and gleaming marble floors. But her house was normal, so average that he felt a tinge of guilt. With what he had learnt about Hannah this year, he really shouldn't have pinned so many stereotypes on her – she certainly wasn't what she pretended to be. The question was, why would she pretend so much?

"Hi," he mumbled, his eyes flitting around until he finally looked up at her. There was something about her that tugged at his heartstrings the moment she did. He wasn't sure if it the way water drops trickled down her shoulders from her damp hair or the fact that she looked so much younger, so much more vulnerable without any makeup on.

"Afternoon, Rayne," she answered, voice as strong and upbeat as ever. "C'mon in." He followed her inside the house, emerald eyes taking in the plain furniture and soft faded carpet beneath his feet. Her house was nice, much bigger and cleaner than his own. But it was very simple, so much more homely than he was expecting.

Hannah paused at her bedroom, hand resting on the door handle. She had never had anyone enter her room before and whilst she would have preferred for Rayne not to come in either, she didn't want to leave Puddles alone all day. "I'm sorry, I should have asked before," she mumbled, stalling for time in order to grab hold of her emotions and control them. "You're not allergic to animals, are you?"

Whatever Rayne had been expecting her to say, it definitely wasn't that. With eyebrows that jumped up in confusion, he ran a hand through his hair, unaware of the way Hannah stared at the shades of brown that made it up in wonder. There were faint streaks of a much lighter, more red-brown and all she could think of was the time she had told him that his hair reminded her of maple syrup.

"Er, no, why?"

With a push of the door, she took a few precise steps in, twisting around to gesture at him to follow. Her heart pounded in her ears, fingers trembling at the way she felt as though she had been ripped open, her bloodied heart visible. Hannah smirked as he took the room in, a perfectly-practiced indifference painted across her expression.

Rayne's feet dug into the floor, shuffling against the soft carpet in a nervousness he couldn't quite pinpoint. His gaze ran over the pale blue walls, at the array of furry pillows piled on her bed and the Polaroid photographs stuck to the wall. He looked at the piles of books overflowing from her bookshelf with a widening of his eyes, at the way her desk had probably the most sophisticated computer he had ever seen and at the large white hutch. It took a minute but the realisation he could faintly smell grass crashed into him.

"Is that... is that a rabbit hutch?" he mumbled, the astonishment falling from his lips. "You have a rabbit in your bedroom?!"

Hannah giggled as she made her way over to said hutch, whispering words of love to the nervous animal. With a careful hand, she picked him up and held him close, trying not to flinch at the sharp paws digging into her chest.

"When you asked if I'm allergic, I was expecting a cat or something, I've never heard of anyone having a rabbit in their bedroom before. People normally keep them in their gardens don't they?" Rayne commented with a disbelieving laugh, hand outstretched as though he was asking her permission. She stepped forward, allowing him to come closer to run his fingers over Puddle's head, carefully avoiding the little tuft where his missing ear was.

She was going to reply but the words stuck in her throat as she looked up at him. She was far too close; close enough to see every pore in his skin. She could see a slight stubble coming in around his jaw, darker than his hair and the way his chest rose with every breath. But most of all, she could see her reflection in his eyes, painted in the swirls of jade.

He watched her with something in between fear and curiosity.

"Um, let's get started, shall we?" she mumbled, taking a clear step back, shaking her head slightly to clear the nonsense she was thinking. She put Puddles back into the hutch with a coo and gestured at Rayne to sit on her bed, pulling her faded copy of Wuthering Heights from her shelf.

He was hesitant this time around, so much more so than he had been in his own bedroom. But Hannah understood; after all, this was her element now and she had the upper hand. There was a niggle in the back of her mind reminding her that Rayne wasn't Gabriel, he wasn't Ashlyn and he wasn't her mother - she didn't need to have the upper hand to stay afloat. No, he looked at her as an equal.

It was refreshing.

They spoke only about their project, dissecting the book and the way the characters acted whilst formulating the rest of their essay. To Hannah's surprise, Rayne had taken it upon himself to write all the personal aspects that Mr Daniels had wanted. He related the loss of his own father with the loss of Mr Earnshaw in the novel, purposefully not mentioning Hannah until it came to the siblings section. Whilst Hannah didn't have any brothers or sisters, he knew she was immensely close to her cousin Cameron and wrote about that.

'I guess my dad might have other kids, I don't know...'

The words she had accidentally blurted out the last time they worked on their project together we're still swirling in both of their minds and although Rayne didn't feel like he had any right to ask, he still wanted to.

It was crazy really, how curious he was about her. This was Hannah Adem, he didn't know a thing about her and he didn't care to find out. Or at least that's what he was trying to convince himself, not allowing himself to count all the things about her that he know did know.

He knew she lived alone with Cameron in this very average house, further away than Pemrose than he would have guessed. He knew her mother was somewhat famous - Ashlyns taunts still being whispered around school - and didn't acknowledge her daughters existence in the public eye. He knew that she didn't know her father, didn't know if she had any half-siblings from his side or know what race he was. He knew she was good at computer programming and web design, a fact his best friend Carter had mentioned and something that nobody would guess by taking a look at her.

Hannah was beautiful, incredibly beautiful. She was very glamorous, very indifferent and very calm. But how much of that was pretence, how much of that did she act out?

He knew she wasn't as perfect or prissy like everyone had assumed and whilst she was still a little intimidating, he now found her more intriguing than he would ever admit.

"I've been thinking about what you said," she whispered, the words pouring out at a snails pace. It was evident she wasn't sure if she should say anything or not but the way he waited with a reassuring grin made her spit it out. "About if I want to find my dad or not, that day in your house. Well, I found out about him over the weekend. I know his name and well, I dunno why I'm telling you really but I think I'm going to find him now. I just want to see him, just once, I want to see if I can see any of myself in him."

It took a moment for Rayne to digest the way his afternoon had turned out but the corners of his lips slowly turned up until he was smiling widely at her.

"Want any help?"