Chapter Eight

Memories

Time waits no one. We rob and get robbed of it. We lose time, and we have all the time in the world. But no one of us was powerful enough to stop or slow it down.

Was this something beyond our control? In fact no. We couldn't influence the flow of time but still we can get the most out of it. But once we lost time we can never get it back.

Totoo nga yata ang sabi nila na kapag walang ginagawa ay mabagal lumipas ang oras. Nakaupo ako sa aking kama, tinatanaw ang paggalaw ng mga kamay ng orasan sa dingding. I was bored that I was counting every tick of the clock.

It was already past one o'clock in the afternoon. Mag-isang naghihintay sa pagtawag sa akin para sa mga gagawing tests. The doctor called Tatay just a while ago to explain what would be done to me.

Huminga ako nang malalim at nagpatuloy sa ginagawa. Mabuti na naman ang lagay ko. Hindi na ako nakaramdam ng pagkahilo o kahit sakit sa ulo mula nang magising kahapon. I was feeling better but I know Nanay and Tatay's worry would be appeased if I would cooperate with those tests.

Tutol pa rin ako but they bargained that if the result will be all normal and with my doctor's signal, I would go home. Pumayag na ako dahil hindi ko na talaga mababago ang isip nila.

Quickly, my eyes flew at the door when it opened. Iniluwa niyon ang nurse na madalas kumukuha ng vitals ko. Mabilis siyang lumapit sa akin at ginawa ang trabaho.

Inilahad ko ang kamay para mapabilis ang pagkuha ng BP.

"Miss Martinez, ihahatid ko na po kayo kay Doctor Seo," aniya nang matapos ilista ang resulta ng mga ginawa.

Ngumiti ako at tumayo. Umalalay naman siya kahit hindi na kailangan. Dala-dala ang swero na nakakabit sa aking kamay ay naglakad kami sa corridor ng ospital.

Ngunit natigilan kami nang may malakas na bagay na tumama sa sahig. I stopped advancing my steps forward and looked over to where the sound came from. A tumbler clattered against the tiled floor near us. The young girl immediately picked it up.

The deafening and cracking noise rung on my ears. I couldn't take my eyes off the floor. The image of a shattered vase stayed in my head and in just a matter of seconds, I was gripping it hard around my palm, holding it like a weapon.

"Miss Martinez..."

Natauhan ako nang bahagyang niyugyog ng nurse ang balikat ko. Kumurap-kurap ako at muling tumingin sa aking kamay.

Wala akong hawak.

"May problema po ba?" nagtatakang tanong ng nurse.

Sumulyap ulit ako sa bata ngunit maayos na itong nakaupo. Nabangga pa ako ng isang tao dahil sa pagkakatigil ko sa gitna ng corridor.

"Sorry," aniya at mabilis nang umalis sa gilid ko.

Naestatwa ako nang maamoy ang pamilyar na pabangong iyon. Tumingin ako sa kung saang direksyon nagpunta ang nakabangga sa akin ngunit grupo ng mga doktor ang aking nakitang mabibilis ang lakad. May mga pasyente ring inaalalayan ng kamag-anak at mayroon ding nurse 'di kalayuan sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung sino roon ang nakabangga ko kanina.

Huminga ako nang malalim at parang robot na nagpatuloy sa paglalakad. Iginiya ako ng nurse sa isang silid kung saan naroon si Doctor Seo.

"Lisa," saad ni Tatay. Sinalubong at inalalayan niya ako pagkapasok sa silid.

Hindi ko pa rin makalimutan ang nangyari ngunit pinilit ko ang sarili kong pagtuunan ng pansin si Tatay. Maayos naman na ang pakiramdam ko ngunit kung tratuhin nila ay para akong babasaging kristal.

"Malapit na ang Nanay mo," sabi niya habang tinutulungan akong maupo sa upuan sa harap ng lamesa ni Doctor Seo.

Iginala ko ang paningin. On the wall of his office, I saw pictures of the different parts of the human brain. Tiningnan ko iyon nang mabuti. It was still a mystery to me how the human brain works.

"Kumusta na ang pakiramdam mo, Lisa?" marahang tanong ni Doctor Seo.

"I'm feeling better, Doc." I smiled and focused my attention to him.

Ilang beses ko na bang nasabi iyon mula kahapon?

He nodded and proceeded with the preliminary tests and updated my records. He then explained the procedures for the cognitive tests and the MRI that will be performed later.

I looked at the back when I heard the door creaked. It was Nanay. She immediately went to us and checked on me.

Ilang sandali pa ay inumpisahan na ang cognitive tests. These were screening tests for speech, language cognitive-communication and behavioral hearing tests. It lasted for about two hours. Nanay and Tatay waited for me patiently as I took the tests.

Doctor Seo congratulated me after the behavioral test. He said that everything was normal and my state improved compared to my old records.

He also explained that the seizure may be due to shock, a sudden feeling of fear and anxiousness. I was not able to say something about it when he asked me because I couldn't remember my last thoughts before I fell down.

"You should be more careful, Lisa. You must not restrain yourself to remember," he said as he scribbled something on his records.

Tumango ako at ngumiti. That was it. I'm good.

"But we have to proceed for the MRI. We have to make sure that your wound wasn't opened because of your previous head trauma."

I heaved a deep sigh. According to Nanay, I underwent a traumatic brain injury operation five years ago. I couldn't remember anything from then on. I just knew that I was transferred to a hospital in Manila because the facilities and the doctors here in San Jacinto could not perform such operation.

Nanay said that it was a miracle that I survived. I couldn't imagine their struggles just for me to live.

We moved into a different room. My eyes suddenly glued on the computers that were probably used in conjunction with the MRI machine. The room was small but there was another room next to where we were. The transparent glass wall revealed the machines and two persons, probably the radiologist who will conduct the procedure.

I felt like I was back to where I was five years ago when I saw almost the same arrangements.

Doctor Seo gave me fifteen minutes to prepare. Nagpaalam ito na may aayusin para sa gagawing procedure at pumasok na sa silid na iyon.

Sa totoo lang ay kinakabahan at natatakot ako.

What if my wound opened?

I understand Nanay and Tatay's worry for me. Pero wala naman na akong nararamdaman na kahit ano. I feel normal but we couldn't be sure without undergoing the MRI test.

"Huwag kang mag-alala, anak. Everything would be fine." Nanay interrupted my thoughts. Nakita niya siguro ang pangamba sa mukha ko.

Huminga ako nang malalim at pilit tinatagan ang sarili.

Ilang minuto pa ay tinawag na ako ni Doctor Seo. His assistant nurse assisted and gave me the hospital gown to wear for the procedure. She also instructed me to get off any metals or jewelry on my body.

She then gave me a contrast agent through an IV. She said that it would allow the machine to see certain parts of the brain more clearly.

I was then guided inside a room where Doctor Seo entered into a while ago. I saw the same facility that I remember during may post check-ups after the operation when I was in the hospital in Manila. I was given an earplug because the machine will produce loud noise.

I lied down on a narrow rectangular table that slides into the MRI machine. After settling down, the table was then slid through a large magnet-shaped like a tube. It took more than thirty minutes for me to finish the MRI test.

We were instructed to wait for the result in Doctor Seo's office.

After a long while, the results was already available. That was fast, huh. From what I know the result wouldn't be this quick. But maybe, technologies greatly improved through the years and in my case it was an emergency.

"I didn't see any abnormalities, your wound is completely healed," panimula ni Doctor Seo.

Nakahinga ako nang maluwag pero malakas pa rin ang tibok ng puso ko dahil sa antisipasyon.

"May mga naalala ka na ba, Lisa?" Doctor Seo asked as he examined the 3-D pictures. Nakatunghay rin sila Nanay at Tatay sa mga larawan habang ine-explain ni Doctor Seo ang mga iyon.

"Y-Yes, Doc. I remembered some but it was blurry," nalilito kong sagot.

"That's probably the reason of these." He pointed at the images that I couldn't understand.

"These parts of the brain were involved in storing old memories. These were inactive because you can't remember but now it became more active..." he explained further.

Tumango ako kahit wala na roon ang isipan. My mind wonder to what he mentioned, 'old memories'. Does that mean, I will probably recall my childhood in the coming days?

"You should be able to recollect some of your childhood memories." He confirmed what I was thinking.

Hindi pa man ay excited na ako para makaalala. Puno ng pag-asang tumingin ako kina Nanay at Tatay. Ngumiti sila sa akin kaya mas lumakas ang loob ko.

"For similar cases like you, Lisa. Old memories are the ones that will be easier to recover. But I cannot guarantee that you can recall everything, the memories would not be retrieved in sequence, some would be distorted... and some may not be recovered at all," he said seriously.

My smile faded. I nodded and took a deep breath. My only consolation was the possibility that I could remember some things. That was better than not to remember at all.

Marami pa siyang sinabi na hindi na pumasok sa utak ko. Kinausap din niya sina Nanay at Tatay ukol sa scheduled check-up para sa susunod na linggo. I will be discharged by tomorrow morning.

"Again Lisa, you should not force yourself to remember. You should not restrain your brain," paalala ni Doctor Seo bago kami tuluyang pinayagan para makapagpahinga na.

I was silent when I entered my room to rest. I can feel Nanay and Tatay watching me closely.

I should be happy, right?

I was more than fine... but the possibility of forgetting something important bothered me. The recent memories would take time for me to remember, and with time probably would be forgotten.

How would I continue with my life when I knew something was missing? Not that my memories were intact right now. I was better even without the memories but I know that once I remember, some things would feel different.

"Lisa!" I got distracted from Ma'am Anna's loudmouth. Pumasok siya sa silid, malaki ang ngiti at hindi alintana ang katahimikan.

"Makakalabas ka na raw bukas!" masayang salubong niya sa akin. Pinilit kong ngumiti para itago ang nararamdaman.

May mga dala siyang pagkain, ipinabaon daw ni Nanay Selda, ang mama niya. Mabilis niyang inilapag ang mga iyon sa lamesa at dumiretso na sa upuan sa tabi ko.

Ilang segundo pa ang lumipas ay nagpaalam sina Nanay na bibili ng karagdagang pagkain para sa hapunan.

"Are you okay, Lisa?" marahang tanong ni Ma'am Anna nang makalabas sina Nanay at Tatay.

Tumango ako at ngumiti pero alam kong hindi umabot sa aking mga mata. Lumambot ang tingin niya sa akin at tahimik na niyakap ako.

Kusang nag-unahan ang pagtulo ng aking mga luha. I guess I was yearning for the memories that probably I would forget permanently. This was the first time for long that I feel empty and weak.

Suminghot ako at naramdaman ang malumanay na hagod ni Ma'am Anna sa aking likod.

If I could turn back the time, I would be willing to trade everything I have to revisit the past. But what if these happened because there was something that I wanted so bad to forget? What if I was a different person in the past like what everyone told me?

Napasinghap ako nang makita ang mukha ni Sir Genus sa maliit na salamin ng pintuan. Mabilis kong pinalis ang luha sa aking pisngi. Nahihiya na nakita niya ako sa ganitong ayos.

"Si Sir Genus," bulong ko kay Ma'am Anna. Kumalas ako sa kaniya at umupo nang maayos.

I watched him as he entered the room. It feels nostalgic to see him walking towards me.

Looking at his serious face I realized... the lost time would never be found again.

I couldn't keep today's hour for tomorrow. I couldn't make up for the lost time but I could make new memories with the time I have. Memories that I could cherish for the rest of my life.