dENIAL

she hated pitying looks from others, as if they thought she might break down any second, like she was some type of china doll. she wouldn't. she refused to. besides, it was easy to pretend like nothing happened while she was at college, because she didn't see her family most of the time anyway, and only occasionally called them.

because of the pitying looks, she tried not to tell everyone she knew about the de- about what was happening with her family. talking about it made it seem real. talking about it made her cry. talking about it caused her to sink into a spiral of dark thoughts. so she didn't talk about it.

instead, she kept busy. she focused on constantly distracting herself from everything that happened by any means necessary. she even resorted to actually finishing her homework and studying for hours to avoid her thoughts. it was easy to pick up more hours at work because they were understaffed. attempting to be with people most of the day caused distraction and actually put her in a good mood. netflix and any type of tv show, as well as music, helped keep her from thinking about everything.

sometimes, though, it didn't stop the thoughts from creeping in and overwhelming her. it was the quiet moments, when she was brushing her teeth, or walking from one class to the next, or waiting in line for coffee, or moments when class was slow, that thoughts of her uncle and her grandpa invaded her mind. it was harder to stop the thoughts once they started, and then she was drowning in what ifs and if onlys, and all the things her uncle and grandpa wouldn't get to experience.

the only way to silence her mind was to reject all thoughts of them being gone. she had to scream in her mind that they weren't actually gone, that they were still living life normally. it was the only way to calm her racing heart, slow her breathing, and prevent the tears from falling. 

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the day after she found out about her grandpa, she didn't go to her classes. she couldn't bring herself to sit for an hour in silence and try to stop the tears from falling when she knew she wouldn't be able to. she actually made it out of her dorm and almost to the building where her class was, unsure if she was actually going to go to class or maybe to the counselors.

she couldn't decide, and was paralyzed by the decision, so she called her best friend Mallory, who told her to go to the counselors. she had to push the sunglasses further on her face to try to hide the fact that tears were threatening to spill onto her cheeks.

it seemed to take forever to climb the stairs to the counselors office, but her gasping breath wasn't from the effort it took to go up the flight of stairs. she had to fill out a form for an "emergency intercession" because she didn't have an appointment. then she had to wait what felt like an excruciating eternity before one of the counselors called her name, and led her to his office.

the worst part was having to explain why she was there. after barely being able to get the words out, all she could do was sit there and sob. she actually felt bad for the counselor, because he had to sit there while she cried, not knowing exactly what to do except let her cry and occasionally listen to her say something incomprehensible. 

he scheduled another appointment for her after she had calmed down and was actually able to speak without another bubble of tears bursting out. she wasn't sure how helpful more appointments would be, but she figured it might be one of the best things she could do, because she didn't have any idea how to handle anything she felt. it was overwhelming. it was too much.

however, after the second appointment, she found that she disliked going to the counselors, because then she actually had to face what happened and talk about it. and the last thing she wanted to do was talk about it. it was so much easier to pretend that nothing happened.

the problem with pretending nothing happened was that thanksgiving was quickly approaching, and everyone would be there except her uncle and her grandpa. not only that, but her grandpa's birthday was only a few days after thanksgiving. going home at a time like that, when the lack of their presence would be so obvious, was not something she was looking forward to. it would be much harder to pretend that they were still living their lives when everyone was together except for them.

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thanksgiving night

she couldn't breathe... they were all there, gathered in a circle around the kitchen to pray before getting food, and her uncle bryan and grandpa weren't there.

her face felt hot, and tears prickled her eyes. her mom had asked her uncle dave to pray, but she wished her mom hadn't asked him, because he was praying for her uncle bryan and her grandpa, and the fact that they were no longer with them, and she couldn't handle it.

her grief felt overwhelming, and opening her eyes didn't help because she could see the tears and pain on everyone else's face, her grandma in particular. 

so much pain in one room... so much grief...

she couldn't pretend that her uncle and her grandpa were still living; they were so blatantly gone. her grandpa would never see her graduate college, never see her get married... her grandparents had moved two minutes away from her house less than a year ago... she wished she knew last year that it would be the last thanksgiving she would have with her grandpa and her uncle..

her uncle would never see his youngest son get married, would never get to meet his grandchildren, would never experience being a grandfather...

her pain and her family's pain was too much

it was all too much

now she couldn't see because the tears were streaming down her face.

she looked at her grandma through blurry eyes, and could tell she was crying too. she couldn't stop herself from stumbling to her grandma, and clinging to her as if she would never see her again.

they stood like that for a long time.

"i love you grammy"