aNGER

she fidgeted in her seat as the young counselor gave her a look of pity. why on earth the counselor thought it was a good idea to ask her if she wanted to talk about the recent deaths in her family was beyond her. obviously she didn't want to talk about it. it's also why she was there. who else would she talk to about it?

"how can i help you?"

what the hell?

what did the woman mean, how could she help her? how was she supposed to know how to help herself? if she knew, she wouldn't be slouching in the uncomfortable chair opposite of the incompetent woman in her tiny little office for an excruciating 45 minutes.

she wanted to scoff, because she obviously had no idea how to actually help her. the fact that the young woman in front of her was not a licensed therapist did not help her case. she was merely in training in order to gain experience.

the whole counseling situation was so complicated to begin with, and the fact that she had gotten stuck with the inexperienced, wishy-washy, unhelpful woman in front of her did nothing to ease the pit in her stomach or the ache in her chest. she'd already been through two different counselors due to scheduling conflicts. damn her busy college schedule. if she had her way, she would be meeting with the second counselor, who wanted to dissect her childhood and analyze how she became the person she was. she was so down for that. that sounded fun, particularly because she wanted to be a therapist herself. this woman, however, was making her doubt her future career choice.

all she could do was stare at the clock as it ticked the seconds away not nearly fast enough. it took all she had not to snap at the counselor and walk out. she settled for tapping her fingers impatiently on the arm of the chair, and maintaining eye contact solely with the clock.

the woman gave her another pitiful look and asked if she wanted to continue meeting after the winter break.

thank god.

"no, i think i'm doing a lot better, and i won't need to meet after break."

she smiled meekly at the counselor.

she imagined giving the woman a smug grin and then the bird for wasting her time, but she could never actually do it. as much as she despised the woman for her cluelessness, she had to give her some semblance of grace. she was trying her best.

she'd be better off working in customer service at a retail store. same level of competency.

* * *

she felt like every single one of her nerves were completely and utterly fried from human interaction. she never found peace, or any time alone. her roommate, mandy, was the worst culprit, never leaving their tiny shared room, and it made her want to pull her hair out of her skull. it was all she could do not to scream at her roommate to get. out.

the thing was, mandy was doing nothing out of the ordinary. she was just sitting at her desk working on homework, which pissed her off for no particular reason other than the fact that she desperately wanted to be alone and listen to music. sure, she had headphones, but it wasn't the same as blasting music from her speaker. god, she missed having her own room.

but even then, it wasn't just that. every single thing mandy did was like another lightning strike on her nerves that shot pure anger through her veins. however, she couldn't just yell at her roommate for doing nothing wrong. which only served to piss her off more.

she didn't know what to do with this pent up rage, but she was on the verge of losing it. her lips burned from chewing them so fiercely in her attempt to force herself not to verbally attack her roommate.

instead, she decided a long walk outside would do her some good, and the five mile trail next to campus would give her a good 2 hours to clear her head. she let the door slam on her way out. whoops.

* * *

"shit."

thunder rumbled in the sky above, and actual lightning flashed in the distance. god, she was so stupid. how could she not check the weather before deciding to walk a five mile trail? what the hell was wrong with her?

rain pelted her thin windbreaker, and it didn't take longer than 5 minutes for all of her clothes to become utterly and irrevocably drenched.

"god damn it!" she swore, feeling the urge to throw her phone into the river from the trail.

of course this was happening to her. why wouldn't it? this semester was already hell, might as well make it worse by catching pneumonia because she was in the middle of a five mile trail during a god damn thunderstorm. and she was going to be late for dinner with her friend.

she tried dialing her friend, regan, who she knew was on the trail somewhat recently, hoping she hadn't left yet. regan had a car. which meant she could maybe drive her back to campus.

"hey! what's up?"

"are you still on the trail, by any chance?"

"no, i'm back on campus. why? is everything okay?"

shit.

"yeah i'm okay, i was just wondering because i saw you were there earlier."

"are you sure you're okay?"

"yep. hey i gotta go, i'll talk to you later."

*click*

maybe her other friend, sophie, would be able to pick her up...

"hey dude!"

"hey, is there any chance that you would be able to pick me up from the trail? it's about to storm like hell, and i don't really want to walk all the way back to campus in it."

"oh my gosh, i'm so so sorry but i'm at work and i can't leave. i can call someone to see if they could pick you up?"

she felt like laughing. it was so comical to her how her life was a complete and utter disaster. of course her only other friend with a car couldn't pick her up. at this rate, she'd rather just walk in the rain than inconvenience some stranger. pneumonia couldn't be any worse than grief.

"it's okay, i'll be fine."

"are you su-"

*click*

thunder crashed, making her jump. the pit in her stomach tightened, and it felt like a hand was quite literally choking the life out of her. the pressure kept building and building and building until finally, she screamed.

before she knew what she was doing, she turned to a nearby tree, and threw her fists at it, punching the rough bark over and over and over again until she couldn't tell if it was rain on her cheeks or tears. she slid to the ground, shaking, as she cradled her bloody hands in her lap.

sobs bubbled out of her, and she was even angrier because nothing was helping. she just wanted it to be over. all the pain, the grief, the anger, all of it.

she curled into a ball under the tree, numbly waiting for the storm to pass. both literally and figuratively.