You deserve love
The kind that everyone searches for
So what about us?
I'll give you my heart and so much more.

***

FORTH'S POV

As much as I want to forget about what happened between me and Beam, I can't and I always think about it. And that is torturing me completely because I can't tell anyone. Now I look like a stalker following him, making sure that he is okay and eating properly.

Monday morning, I drove past the medical campus before going to my faculty. I searched for Beam among the students in the campus canteen. It's not that difficult to find Beam since he is always with Phana and Kit beside him. He looked pale but still smiled brightly at Kit. I saw he didn't order food only Iced Coffee. I chuckle. I saw two female students walking towards the cafeteria and I approached them.

"Hi Nong, do you both know Beam Baramee?" I asked. The two students looked at me and smiled broadly. "Yes Phi" they answered.

"Then can you please give this to him," I asked while handing the food package towards them. They took the package from my hand and looked at me curiously. I thank them and walked towards my motorcycle.

"Phi what's your name?" one of them asked me when I was about to ride back my bike. I just smiled and went back to my faculty. After reaching there I sent a message to Beam. "Drinking Iced Coffee in the morning is not good for your health". And as usual, Beam read my message but didn't reply.

Tsk.

He said he wanted to become friends again. Now I don't even get reply to my messages.

After class, I went Beam's dorm to make sure he goes out to eat dinner. I smiled happily when I saw him walking alone to the cafeteria near his dorm. The next day I passed by the medical campus again. I saw Beam is no longer ordering Iced Coffee. He ordered mineral water and Khao tom for breakfast. I smiled satisfied. For the past three days I watched him. After feeling that he was fine I decided to stop my so-called stalking activities.

"Hey Ai'Forth. Where have you been these three days? I didn't see you having breakfast on campus and you always go home first... do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend now ?" Lam started to interrogate me when I finally sat down on the table to have breakfast at my campus.

I didn't say anything and ate my food. I thought discussing my problem with Lam or my friends would not solve my problem. Therefore like I decided to stop liking Wayo, I let my feelings disappear with passage of time. I thought like Wayo, I would be able to forget Beam over time. In reality, it is very difficult to forget him. Even though I didn't meet him but for some reason everyone around me talked about him. The female juniors of my faculty talked about Beam who finally appeared at the club after being absent for a week.

Tsk... It didn't take long for him to return to being a womanizer again. Apparently, that night did not mean much to him. And thinking about Beam sleeping with other people makes my heart feel sad.

And today, when I went to the agricultural faculty to accompany Lam who was seeing a girl there, again I heard several people talking about Beam. He is really famous.

"I will beat him up," said a guy whose height was not more than Kit's. "I will teach him a lesson because he dares to touch my girlfriend," he said.

At first I just listened to what he was saying while smoking in the parking lot. There was nothing interesting about the conversation. It was a common thing for women to be 80% of the reason why men fight with each other. Really primitive. For me, if that woman sleeps with another man then I will let her go. There are still many women out there.

"But Beam is always accompanied by Phana. You know him, right? He can beat you up without any mercy," said his friend.

Now the conversation that was not interesting suddenly became very interesting to me as I watched a group of men opposite me. I turned off my cigarette and listened to their conversation.

"Lately, Phana is busy with his boyfriend after the Campus Moon and Star competition. I often see Beam eating out by himself. We can attack him when he is alone," he advised.

Tsk.

Losers and cowards, it was right thing that his girlfriend left him for Beam. I watched them. When the man who claimed his girlfriend turned him down by going to Beam, walked toward the bathroom, I followed him. I waited until he finished his business. He looked at me in surprise when he came out of the bathroom cubicle. But then I pulled his collar and dragged him into one of the empty cubicles and then made him sit on the toilet. He was surprised for what I did but his eyes did not look scared.

"What do you want?" he tried to stand up and prying off of my grip but I held him by his shoulder and pushed him against the wall. He grimaced because his back hit the wall.

"Do you know me?" I asked. He nodded his head. I smiled.

"It's good because it will save my energy," I said. He was still trying to rebel but I held his body strong. Finally he gave up and looked at me resignedly.

"I heard that you guys want to do something with Beam," I said. He looked at me in surprise.

"None of your business," he still challenged me. I must admit that I was quite impressed by his courage.

"Beam is my friend. If you hurt him, I'll make sure I will repay you," I said, patting both of his cheeks with hands. He looked angry and removed my hands from his face.

"You better tell him to stay away from my girlfriend," he said.
​
I laughed at him after hearing that.

"You might not know Beam. He won't touch the same girl twice," I said. I could see his face turning red with anger.

"So you don't need to worry. Besides... I see your appearance is not so bad. You can find any girl who is better than your current girlfriend," I said.

"I'm not afraid of you," he said, "My seniors won't stay quiet if you hurt me," he looks confident. I laughed and let go of my grip on him.

BAM

I hit the bathroom wall right next to his head.

He looks pale and went silent.

"You see that crack. I will make the same crack on your head, not just once but many times if you dare to hurt Beam. I will only warn you once. I hope you love yourself," I said patting his cheeks then walking out of the cubicle.

I saw that Lam had returned to the parking lot. I got on my motorcycle.

"Hey Ai'Forth. What's wrong with your hand?" he asked in surprise. I looked at my hand that were slightly bleeding.

"I was bored and did a little exercise," I said. Lam raised an eyebrow and looked at me sourly.

"Hey... Don't mess with them. Fighting with them won't end with one or two blows you know that right," he said. I smiled at him.

"I know," I said, starting my motorcycle.

"I'll make sure they get more hits than us"

Lam answered my words by shaking his head only. Then Lam and I returned to our faculty.

x––––————————————————x

The Faculty of Engineering and Agriculture always clashes in one way or the other. Maybe because we have more male population earlierthan any other faculty.  Therefore it is not surprising that my actions to threaten one of their juniors on their own campus made their seniors react. Me, Lam, Korn, Knock, Mark and Earth were going back to the dorm after the classes, when a dozen of agricultural students blocked our way. I got off my bike and looked at Choi, who was one of my friend among them.

"Ai'Forth" Choi called out my name while walking towards me.

"I heard that you threatened my junior on our campus. I think we agreed to not interfere in each other's business," he said.

I smiled and looked at the man I threatened. He was now standing behind his senior's back like a frightened cat.

"Because what he wants to do is related to me" I said looking sharply at Choi.

"Tsk... I heard from him. Beam isn't even a student of Engineering faculty. Why do you care?" I can hear my friends complaining in the back when they hear Beam's name.

"This is not an engineering faculty's matter," I said. "Beam is my personal affair."

Choi stood up to me. "But you threatened my junior at my faculty so I was forced to make this into our campus affairs, both of us" he said then he suddenly threw a fist at me. I chuckled annoyed then dodged the throw and hit his stomach with my knee.

Fighting is inevitable now. I smirked at the agricultural faculty guys who one by one tried to hit me. Incidentally, the problem with Beam has made me feel stuffy lately. Maybe hitting some of them can make me feel better. We were outnumbered but that doesn't mean we will lose to them. As I promised if they hit one of us I will gladly reward them with more punches. I looked at the man who wanted to beat Beam. He tried to run to his car to away from the scene when he saw his senior fall. Tsk... such a loser. I pulled him out of the car and slammed him down the road. I held his body to the ground with my knees and pulled his collar.

"Didn't I warn you?"

His face was pale now. Sweat flowed from his temples and forehead.

"So..Sorry Phi. I will not touch Beam. I promise" he said.

"Phi !!" I said annoyed.

He was silent for a moment.

"You should call him P'Beam," I said again.

He nodded. "Sorry, P'Beam... I will not touch P'Beam."

I smiled and patted his cheek. "Good boy" I said. Then I let go and he quickly got into his car and left with his senior. I walked towards Choi who was lying on the ground.

I passed the agricultural guys who were lying on the street and crouching next to Choi due to pain. His face was covered in blood.

"Tsk... Look at you. You are really stubborn. We fought a few times and you had never won, why do you keep coming back on me ?" I asked Choi.

Choi was laughing while looking at me.

"At least I managed to make you look more uglier now," he said. Yup, he managed to hit my face and body several times.

"About Ai'Beam..." I looked at Choi.

"No need to worry. I will talk to Ai'Park. He will not dare to bother him." Choi finally managed to sit and look at his friends who are still lying. He called someone to pick everyone up.

I saw Lam, Korn, Knock, and Earth all were surrounding Mark. They were little battered but Mark looks pretty bad.

"Hey Ai'Mark. Let's go to the hospital," I said. He looked at me sourly.

"Are you not going to explain it to us ?" Mark asked irritatingly.

"You owe me one wish. I want to claim it today," I said. Lam, Korn, Knock, Mark and Earth were looking at me in silence.

"Can you guys ignore Beam's problem. Only this time, please," I pleaded.

"Tch." Mark looked upset but he didn't say anything. He sat behind my motorcycle.

"What are you waiting for ?," he said.

I took Mark to the hospital. Lam, Knock, Korn and Earth follow us. While Mark was being treated, the five of us sat in front of the emergency room. We look scary. Five men with tattoos, piercings and facial wounds. Hospital visitors were even reluctant to pass us by.

"Hey Ai'Forth" Earth finally spoke. The four of them looked at me sharply.

"Mark may have promised you but we didn't," Lam glared at me.

"You make us battered. At least you have to explain it to us," Earth protested.

"Or maybe you want us to find out through Ai'Beam," Korn threatened me.

I sighed. "I only have two choices for you guys, you can hit me until you're satisfied or I will hit you if you meet Beam." I looked at them sharply.

They were silent for a moment.

"Aish..." Lam got up from his seat and smacked my head and the others followed the suit.

x––––————————————————x

Gossip about the fight between the engineering and the agricultural faculty reached the Dean's ears. The Dean called and lectured me. The Dean asked me to write a written explanation and apology and submit a resignation letter from the SOTUS committee. I submitted the resignation letter but I refused to submit the written explanation and apology. That's why the campus suspended me, Lam, Mark, Korn, Knock, and Earth for 3 days.

"If it wasn't for Kongpob I would have removed all of you from the hazing team," he threatened.

P'Kongpob who came to know about this problem was very furious. He called all the second year students and asked us to gather in the field. P'Kongpob delivered the Dean's message, saying that the Dean would revoke my suspension and allow me to take part in SOTUS activities if I write an explanation and apology letter. But I refused. Because of that, P'Kongpob decided to punish me along with the whole second year students.

P'Kongpob sighed in annoyance. "Second years, get ready to run around the field 100 times !!" he shouted. I looked at my friends. They said nothing and started to run around the field.

P'Kongpob is now standing next to me.

"What sacrifice is this worth Forth ?" asked P'Kongpob without looking at me. I bit my lips.

"If faced with the same situation I would still do the same Phi. I am innocent," I replied.

"I've talked to Choi and your friends. They also don't want to say what the problem is. Why don't you just tell the matter to the Dean, so the problem can be solved," P'Kongpob looked at me sharply.

"Sorry Phi" I said. I cannot involve Beam in this matter.

P'Kongpob sighed in annoyance. "You made me have no other choice to find a replacement for you jerk" he kicked me. I smiled and bowed.

"Thank you for understanding Phi," I said. Then I joined the others, running around the field 100 times. Lam hits my head every time he finishes one round. Korn, Knock, Mark, and Earth did it too. Finally everyone followed them. I received 100 smack on my head from my 299 batch mates. I accepted it while smiling. We finish the punishment when the time showed 8 PM.

I lay on the field beside Lam, Mark, Korn, Knock and Earth.

"Hey Ai'Forth... what happened between you and Ai'Beam?" Lam asked while looking at me curiously.

I just kept quiet while trying to catch my breath.  Everyone looked at me and waited for my answer but they won't be getting anything out of me.

"Don't tell me you slept with him!" Mark guessed suddenly.

I looked up to the sky, not to say anything to them about Beam's matter.

"Shit. Did you really sleep with him?" Lam sat up and looked at me.

I did not say anything how he could conclude like that.

"You said you won't sleep with your own friends ?! When did you guys...um...um...?" Lam asked. I head locked Lam's head and pull him towards the ground. I glared at him. He tapped my hand showing that he surrendered and I released him from my grip. He breathed a sigh of relief. I lay back down.

"You did it in my house," he said furiously. I looked at him sharply but still refused to answer them.

"How does it feel? Sleeping with Beam Baramee?," asked Earth. I smacked his head hard. They really don't want to listen to me.

"And among many men you choose to sleep with a cold man like him. I feel bad for you," Knock said.

I just smiled.

"Why do you always like men who are hard to conquer ?" Korn murmured.

Then they patted me on the shoulder one by one showing that they understand me.

"Shut up. I'm fine," I said.

"I can introduce you to my friends if you want," said Korn.

"Don't say that you will introduce Yihwa to him," Knock looked at Korn.

"Why? Oh come on, Yihwa is easier to tame than Beam," Korn said. And they end up fighting with each other.

I can only smile seeing them.

"Hey Ai'Forth... Tell me what you want us to do to get him? We will help you," suddenly Lam said.

"I don't know... He wants us to be friends so.." I said, staring at the night sky.

"Puff... Friends..." sneered Lam.

"We can help you... How about we lock him up and then force him to accept you ?" Mark looked at me as if he had just given a brilliant idea. I hit his head.

"Um... Maybe we can spread the rumors about Ai'Beam having an infectious disease so that no girl will be interested in him" this time Knock issued his idea.

This is why I don't want to talk about my love life to them.

"Oh or we can put the aphrodisiac into his drink, hold it on. Then you and Beam can... umm you know..." Korn laughed at himself by giving the idea. Knock hit Korn for that.

They are really crazy.

They laugh at their own ideas. Then it suddenly became quite.

"But you both really look good together," Lam said.

I just kept my silence.

"Yeah. I think if it's Ai'Forth, he might be able to tame Ai'Beam," Earth said.

"Yeah... They'll become a super wild couple," Mark said, making all my friends laugh.

"Thank you," I said, smiling. They are crazy and make me think about Beam even more.

"Hey, where are you going ?" Earth looked at me in surprise when I got up and was about to leave them. I stopped my steps and looked at those who were still lying in the middle of the field.
​
"To Beam," I said, grinning.

"Eew.." All of them let out a disgusted expression. I laughed and walked towards the parking lot. My whole body hurts but my heart feels lighter. And now, I want to see Beam, hear his voice, be near him. I drove my motorcycle to his apartment. His car was parked in the parking lot so I knew he was here.

"Ai'Beam... Have you eaten yet ?" I sent a message to him. But as usual he read but didn't reply to me. I took a deep breath. I waited for 15 minutes but Beam did not go down. So I drove my motorcycle to the restaurant near his apartment. Tonight the restaurant was really crowded. I tried to find Beam among the pile of people. I felt someone patting my shoulder. I turned around to look who it was. There stood Beam with an annoyed facial expression.

"I thought you had stopped following me," he said as he crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked at me.

"I'm hungry," I said, smiling.

He glanced at me from toe to head and then sighed softly.

"There's an empty table over there. Join me," he said, pointing to the table in the middle of the restaurant. I smiled and nodded. Beam walked back to the table, ignoring me. I ordered my food and walked towards  Beam's table.

"Iced coffee?" I asked, seeing the drink on the table. Beam just snorted. "I've eaten and it's not morning, so it be fine," he said. I chuckled.

Not long after a waiter came with my food. We eat in silence. While eating, Beam was playing game in his phone. He totally ignored me. I do not mind that. Just seeing and being near Beam is enough for me.

"If you don't eat right away, I'll leave you here," he said, continuing to play game in his mobile. I smiled and went back to eating. This has been the best 15 minutes of my life. After fifteen minutes we finished eating and decided to go home.

"Get on," I said, offering my helmet to him. He looked at me annoyed. "My apartment is not so far so thank you" he said as he walked away from me. I started my motorcycle engine and cut off his steps.

"Beam," I didn't back down. He stopped his steps and looked at me annoyingly.

"Just for tonight," he said, taking the helmet from my hand. After putting on the helmet, he got on my motorcycle and I started to ride back to his apartment.

"Hold on to me," I said while riding. He hit my shoulder. "I will do whatever I want" he said. I saw him holding on to my motorcycle. I rolled my eyes and drove my motorcycle. I wish the distance between Beam's apartment and the restaurant was still far away but unfortunately we arrived in five minutes.

After getting off from my motorcycle, Beam handed me my helmet back. He stood there for sometimes while looking at me coldly.

"I heard about the fight between you and the agricultural guy," he said suddenly.

I smiled faintly at him. "Did you inquire about me??" I asked pleased. He hit my head. "Don't be so big-head. The whole campus knows your delinquent behavior," he yelled furiously. I laughed after hearing that but still Beam looked at me without any expression.

"That... Are you not going to treat it?" he asked, pointing to my face. As I watched the wounds on my lips and bruises on my face in the rearview mirror of my motorcycle. The wound were almost dried but the bruises on my face were still clearly visible.

"It will disappear by itself so no need to worry," I said with a smile. Beam showed an annoyed face after hearing my answer.

"You idiot," he said. He walked towards his apartment without saying anything and left me alone in the parking lot. I watched his back disappear into the apartment building. I took a deep breath. He is really cold. Didn't even say bye or goodnight to me.

When I was about to turn on my bike I felt my mobile vibrated. I saw the name ‘Beam Baramee’ appear on my mobile screen. I smiled happily and picked up the phone call.

"Come on," he said without even saying hello.

"Where ?" I asked confused, staring at the lined windows on the apartment building above me trying to guess which is Beam's room's window.

"To my room," he said then he hung up without me having any time to comment. I looked at my mobile for a moment. I was grinning like a fool. Without wasting anymore time, I ran toward his room. I stared at the door for a few moments. Somehow I feel nervous. I knocked on his door. Beam opened the door to his room after I knocked three times. He opened the door and looked at me for a moment.

"Come in," he said then he walked into his room leaving me alone at the door.

I swallowed hard, this was the first time I was entering his room. I feel my heart flutter. I went in and took my shoes off.

"Sit on the couch," Beam said while busy looking for something in the TV cabinet in front of his bed. I walked to the sofa and sat down. Beam's room is not so big. He doesn't have a kitchen, just a one-door refrigerator. Neat, clean and not much stuff. Not like my room. I looked at the balcony. It has a good view. He got a view of the whole park and the parking lot.

I felt a soft touch on my chin and something cold touched my face gently. I turned my face and saw that Beam was sitting next to me while applying the antiseptic cream on my face. It felt cold but comfortable. I breathing hitched because Beam's face was only inches away from mine. Beam did not show any expression.

"Open your shirt," he said. I paused and looked at Beam without blinking. The thought of what happened at Lam's house crossed my mind again.

PLAK

Beam hit my head with a book that was on the study table.

"What are you thinking you pervert ? I'm sure the bruises aren't only on your face," he said.

Ah that's what he meant by saying out like that. I opened my shirt. Beam looked at my half-naked body. He was silent for a few moments, his face started to turn crimson  red and he looked nervous. He looked away and pulled my hand. He put the medicine tube in my hand. I smirked at his expression. So what happened that night did affect him also.

"Y-You can put the medicine by yourself," he said stuttering. Then he stood up but I pulled his wrist. He looked at me nervously.

"Ai'Forth !!" he protested, trying to release my grip. I grinned sheepishly.

"Shit. Leave my hand," he protested. This time he looked at me annoyed. I stopped all my movements and looked at his face seriously. He was still trying to let go of my grip.

"Ai'Beam..." I called.

He hissed in protest.

"About your request that night." I said. My words made him stunned.

"About your request to forget about everything that happened between us and become friends." I tried to express my heart. He stood motionless and looked at me.

"Sorry, but I can't fulfill your request," I said.

"What do you mean ?" he looks upset.

"I don't want us to be friends again. I know you might doubt my feelings. But, I like you," I said. Beam looked at me in surprise for a moment.

"Bullshit," he said. I looked at him confused.

"I'm serious," I said. He laughed.

"I thought you were only after sweet men like Nong Yo."

"Beam!" I snapped at him because he didn't take my confession seriously. He paused and looked at me coldly.

"Forget it. Like Nong Yo, I'm sure you will easily forget me too" he looked at me casually "And I don't like you at all and I'm not gay Ai'Forth," this time he said it seriously.

I felt my heart being crushed into millions of pieces.

"And what if I can't forget you," I asked.

"It's up to you. You can do whatever you want, so can I" he looked at me with a cold face. I let go of my grip on him. He breathed a sigh of relief.

He walked towards his desk and took some books. He looked at me and said "I will study with Ai'Kit. When you finish applying the medicine, please lock the room and throw the key in through the door before you go."

Without waiting for my answer he walked out of the door. I stay stilled in his room after laying my body on the couch. It feels like someone hit me on my chest. Nobody had hurt me to this extent. Not even Nong Yo's rejection has.

I put on my shirt without applying the medicine. I looked at the medicine that is in my hand and put it in my pocket. I decided to leave. Before leaving, I saw the photo frames lying on the TV cabinet. There aren't many objects on the cabinet apart from the photo frames, so the photo frames are very plugging. I memorized all the photos present in those photo frames. Among of the photos, there was one photo in which there was a small child and an old man. The little boy laughed happily sitting on the lap of the old man. Seeing Beam's laughing face pisses me off now. He grew into a person who is not sweet at all.

I took a deep breath before leaving Beam's room.

***

Published on 02 March 2020