"Pare, tara, alis," rinig kong pag-aya sa akin ni Terrence sa k'warto ko. "Bar daw, birthday ng tropa ni Jin sa UST!"

"Kayo na lang."

It's been a month since Savvy broke up with me. I tried getting her back, courting her everyday, hoping that what she said was just an impulsive decision. But she never came back. Parang hindi niya nga ako nakikita kapag magkakasalubong kami sa campus.

"Tama na mukmok, pare. Lungkot na kami," sabi ni Terrence bago naupo sa gilid ng kama ko. "Ayusin mo 'yung sarili mo. Exam week na sa susunod na linggo. Baka bumagsak ka."

Hindi ako sumagot, dahil alam kong papunta na nga ro'n ang kapalaran ko sa college. Siguradong magagalit si Mama pero wala naman din siyang magagawa para sa akin. Kung ako nga, hindi matulungan sarili ko.

Ang hirap lang na wala si Savannah.

"Pare, tama na. Ipakita mo kay Savvy na deserve mo 'yung second chance hindi 'yung gan'yang sinisira mo buhay mo dahil lang wala na siya sa 'yo."

Napabuntonghininga ako bago bumangon at sumandal sa headrest ng kama ko. "Kasalanan ko naman, 'di ba? Kasalanan ko naman kasi, totoo naman sinabi niya. Siya 'yung sinasabi kong mahal ko, pero hindi pa rin nawawala sa isip ko si Grace."

I looked at Terrence who's now looking guilty over something.

"Sensiya na pare, baka nasaktan ka sa sinabi ko noon, pero gano'n kasi ang nakikita namin sa 'yo."

I laughed. "Okay lang, tanga. Naiintindihan ko. Inaako ko lahat ng pagkakamali, kasi alam kong ako naman talaga 'yung mali. Inintindi niya lahat ng ginawa ko . . . lahat ng reaks'yon ko kapag tungkol na kay Grace ang usapan." I sighed. "Ang hirap din kasing pigilan."

Tumingin lang sa akin si Terrence na parang may gustong itanong. I raised an eyebrow, asking him what he wants to say. He sighed before talking.

"Nag-usap na ba ulit kayo ni Grace?"

I smiled a little before looking away. "Hindi pa. Huli na 'yung dinala ko siya sa clinic. Umiiwas siya sa akin, alam ko. Sigurado akong nasaktan siya sa sinabi ko."

Tumango-tango si Terrence sa paliwanag ko.

"Grace used to be approachable and friendly. You know that," I said. Terrence listened carefully. "But with what happened for the past years, she became detached to the people around her. And just that moment, I realized that it's me that she can only trust in this new university she's in." I sighed again for the nth time. "And I doubt her for that. I didn't give her the assurance that I can be trusted in this cruel world. I deprived her of someone she can truly trust."

Tumango-tango siya matapos marinig ang lahat ng 'yon. Naramdaman kong muli ang pagsikip ng dibdib ko dahil naalalang wala na sa akin si Savannah.

"Kausapin mo, pare. Hindi ko na aalamin kung anong nangyari kay Grace sa nagdaang mga taon kasi kung pwede mong sabihin, eh 'di sana sinabi mo na, 'di ba?" Tumawa siya matapos sabihin 'yon. "Pero kausapin mo na. Sorry noon, nag-alala lang talaga ako kay Savannah kasi kilala kita."

Tumango ako bago nakipag-fist bump sa kan'ya. "Salamat."

Nang mga sumunod na araw, sinubukan kong ibalik ang sarili ko sa pag-aaral at paggawa ng plates. Ang dami kong requirements na hinabol dahil may mga absent ako. Sigurado akong babagsak ako ngayong midterm, pero sana mabawi ko sa finals.

Tang ina, kahit ito lang, maipakita ko kay Savannah nadeserve ko siya. Kasi gagawin ko talaga lahat, bumalik lang siya. Gagawin ko lahat, makita niya lang na sobrang mahal ko siya.

Natapos na ang midterm exam week. Sobrang nahirapan ako dahil may mga part ng lessons do'n na hindi ko naman napasukan noon. At kahit na pinahiram ako ng mga kaklase ko ng notes, hindi ko naman gaanong naintindihan dahil wala naman ako noong itinuro ng prof.

"Pare, tara yosi," pag-aya sa akin ni Liam nang matapos na kami sa exam.

Tumango ako bago sumunod sa kan'ya palabas. Nilakad namin ang pathway papunta sa labas ng campus nang madaanan namin ulit ang Psychology department. Naglalabasan na rin ang mga estudyante. Napahinto sa paglalakad ang isa nang makita ako.

Napalunok ako bago ko tinawag si Liam.

"Sunod ako. May kakausapin lang."

Tumingin siya kay Grace bago ngumiti sa akin at tumango. Bumaling ako kay Grace at nakita ko na parang nagpipigil na siya ng hininga ngayon habang nakatingin sa akin.

"Grace . . ."

Nabubunggo na siya ng mga kaklase niya pero hindi pa rin siya umaalis sa kinatatayuan niya.

"Excuse me," marahan na sabi ng mga kaklase niya sa kan'ya, dahilan para tuluyan na siyang umalis sa daanan na kinatatayuan niya.

Marahan siyang naglakad papalapit sa akin bago huminto, isang dipa ang layo sa akin.

"Why?" tanong niya.

"Can we talk?"

I saw her gulped, looking away, before she talked. "Where?"

"Coffee?"

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin bago tumango. Nauna na siyang naglakad sa akin, nakasunod lang ako sa kan'ya. I can see her taking a peek at her peripheral vision and I can help but reminisce the days back when we were younger. She looked very intimidating and tough back then, but having to pursue and be a boyfriend to her made me realize that she's not all tough and intimidating—she's soft and very pure-hearted.

Bago kami makalabas ng campus, nakasalubong naming dalawa si Savannah, dahilan para makaramdam ako ng sobrang kaba. Savannah stopped walking when she saw us. Grace stared at her for a moment before Savvy smiled at her and passed us by.

I watched her walk away from us, and for a moment, I wanted to run to her but I know that I have more important business now with Grace.

"Do you want to follow her?"

Naibalik ang atens'yon ko kay Grace nang magsalita siya. Nakita kong nakatingin na rin siya sa naglalakad palayo na si Savannah.

"Let's go now."

Nauna na akong maglakad sa kan'ya palabas ng campus para magpunta sa pinakamalapit na Starbucks. We ordered two Java Chips for our drink while we talk.

"What are we going to talk about?" she asked before sipping her coffee.

I sighed as I looked at her eyes. "I'm sorry."

Tumingin siya sa akin nang diretso matapos kong sabihin 'yon.

"Why?" she asked, like an innocent kid, hoping that I would answer her question with something that she wanted to get.

"I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry that I didn't protect you enough back when we were younger . . . and I'm sorry that I didn't realize you were going through a very serious matter that I had to ask you and make you remember about what happened to you in those years."

She slightly bowed her head before looking at me with her eyes as tears pooled on the corners of it.

"I'm sorry that I made you feel that you have nothing to trust here. And for pushing you away the last time. I didn't know. I'm sorry."

Yumuko siya at hinayaang tumulo ang mga luha niya. "Why did you do that?" She sobbed.

I sighed. "Sav and I are having a problem. And she knew what we had. She thought that she won't win over you because of that."

She looked at me with her wet eyes. "Why? I didn't do anything. Why would she say that? I never asked you to come back to me. I just wanted to have someone I know here. I just wanted to feel that I belong here. Was that bad?"

Umiling ako nang umiling bago ko hinawakan ang kamay niyang nanlalamig na ngayon. Scars in her arm didn't escape my eyes. I know what happened with that.

"No, Grace. I'm sorry. I was an asshole because I made her feel that, and because of that, she left me. And now, I wanted to disclose everything/" I gulped. "I'm sorry, Grace. I'm really, really sorry."

Tumango siya nang ilang ulit bago tumingin sa akin. "I may still love you until now, Connor, but I am not a cheap woman to ask you back when it's so clear to me that you love her more than you have ever loved me. I didn't come back to win you back. I came back because I am healed . . . because I keep on healing."

Tumango ako matapos marinig ang paliwanag niya. Hinigpitan ko ang pagkakahawak ko sa kamay niya para malaman niya na hindi na ulit siya mag-iisa. Hindi ko na ulit ipaparamdam sa kan'ya 'yon, 'yung pinaramdam ko sa kan'ya noong huli.

"I may love you so much until now, Connor, but I won't ever break a relationship just because of my selfishness. I left you before because I loved you more than I loved myself. I won't ask you to come back to me because I know now that I am starting to love myself more."

After she said that, she cried more and let her sobs went out of her mouth. Tumayo ako at naupo sa tabi niya, tsaka siya niyakap at pinakalma. Lalo siyang umiyak, pero alam ko na sa mga oras na 'to, alam niya nang hindi na ulit siya mag-iisa.

"I just wanted to feel that I exist. I just wanted to feel that I belong." She sobbed. "And it's you that I know I can count on, because you saw me before. I'm sorry that your relationship with her had to be like that. I'm so sorry, Connor."

She cried again but I didn't let her go from the hug.

"Shh, calm down. Grace, it's okay. You don't have to say sorry. You did nothing wrong." I hugged her tighter. "Grace, you won't feel alone anymore. You can always count on me from now on."

I felt her hugged me back and I sighed in relief when I realized that she believed in me. She trusts me again once more. I promise I'll never break that trust again and I'll always be her friend she can always count on.

___

"Think of the universe like a deck of cards.

"Now, if you shuffle that deck, there's just so many orderings that can happen," Greene says. "If you shuffle that deck enough times, the orders will have to repeat. Similarly, with an infinite universe and only a finite number of complexions of matter, the way in which matter arranges itself has to repeat." — npr.org