The bright sea turned to dark caverns; air rippled and acrid smoke drifted in swirls along the dark ground. Pits of burning blue lave dotted the landscape. Despite those and the burning torches, no heat seared my skin.

A growl echoed through the cavern. A dark form rose from a lava pit. I stumbled back, eyes wide. It was tall. I doubted my head would reach its chest. Dark black skin, the same color and luster of obsidian offered camouflage, despite the molten rock streaming back into the pool. Its eyes were the only reason I could tell where it stood; those same searing yellow eyes focused on Death.

"What are you here?" it said, annoyance dripping from every word.

My eyes finally adjusted to the dim light, allowing me to make out more of the demon. Two sets of twisted horns grew from their head, one set curved to look like tusks. A mouth filled with razor teeth hung partially open, and their arms hung to their knees. If that didn't throw off their proportions enough, their lower legs were double what they should've been. I don't know what I expected demons to look like, but this one was pretty close to nightmare fuel.

The demon stepped out of the lava and shook themself. Lava sprayed everywhere. Death shoved me behind him, shielding me and letting the molten rock hit his skin instead of mine.

"Lilith, you look hot today," Death said. I peeked around him to look at Lilith. Some of what I thought to be lava turned out to be her hair. Her violently burning, blue hair.

"Hardee-har-har. Like I haven't heard that from you a million times." She rolled her eyes. She brushed ash off her clothes. "Are you going to tell me why you're here, or are you going to cart me off to another demon trial?"

"Is Lucifer home?"

"If this is about the chocolate, you're too late. He already ate it," she said, before growling something out.

Death snorted and shook his head. "It's not about the chocolate. Do you know where he is or not, Lilith?"

"He's hanging in his palace. Unfortunately, not literally."

"Thanks. I'll try to tie him up by his hair for you," Death said. He walked away and I followed, staying a step behind him. I looked back and saw a shimmering light surround Lilith. When it vanished, so did the scary demon lady.

"Hey, kid," Death said, grabbing my attention. "If anyone tries to sell you anything, say no and punch them in the face. Unless it's a young person, push them into lava. Actually, if anyone comes up to you push them into lava."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because anyone up here isn't exactly going to win any awesome person award anytime soon."

"Wait, I thought Hell was below Heaven."

"And it is. We're just on the first circle. Um, have you read the Inferno?"

"I've heard of it."

"Well, it's wrong. This circle, the highest circle, is the whole 'torture the souls of the damned' area. The rest of Hell is pretty nice. Murderers, human traffickers, animal abusers, they all end up in here while other souls live pretty nice after lives on the circles below us. I mean, it's not the greatest place, it's still Hell, but I'd take carpeted kitchens over having my skin flayed off any day."

I couldn't argue. We continued walking through the scream filled caverns, and I did my best to ignore the souls being tortured. Out of nowhere, Death stopped. I almost walked past him; he shot an arm out, keeping me from walking straight off the cliff.

Death groaned, a deep, guttural groan that almost sounded like a growl. He turned his face to the ceiling. "This isn't funny, Lucifer! Stop destroying the bridge!"

Everything went silent, before the sound of wings filled the air, drowning out the renewed screams of the damned. Demons flew past us, nearly knocking me over. Their talons grabbed at my clothes and limbs; one managed to grab some of my hair, but all it up taking was a punch to the face. It tumbled backward and hissed. Death hissed back, eyes flaring up. The demon didn't back down, and Death raised his scythe. Its six eyes widened and it flew away in a panic.

Death laughed. "Yeah, that's what I thought." He lowered his weapon. It vanished, and I tilted my head.

"Where'd it go?"

"Huh? Oh, my scythe? I don't really need to carry it here, so it's easier to dissolve it."

I nodded, pretending I understood what he meant. I turned my gaze to the wide chasm in front of us, as I tried not to think about what else he could dissolve. "How are we supposed to get across?" I asked.

His lips twitched. "You'll see."

It didn't take long to see what he meant. In a blink and you'll miss it moment, a bridge popped into existence. How did it get there? I didn't know; I blinked. Despite it looking about as safe as you'd expect a bridge in hell to be, Death didn't hesitate to walk across. I stood on solid ground and stared. My eyes traveled past the slick, shiny obsidian down to the lava flowing below.

"Kid, come on. We don't have all day," Death said, tapping his wristwatch. A watch, I knew, he wasn't wearing earlier. I looked back at the lava, at the long, long fall awaiting me if my foot slipped. The longer I stared, the more aware I grew of Death doing the Jeopardy music.

One foot in front of the other, I walked across the bridge. The thin obsidian cracked with every step, urging me to speed up. A loud crack came from behind me, and I made the mistake of looking back. Half of the bridge disappeared, falling with a loud splash into the lava below. I scrambled to reach the other side, falling sprawled moments before the rest of the bridge collapsed.

I pushed myself into a sitting position, huffing and puffing for air I didn't really need. Why I was still breathing, I had no idea, but once u caught my breath I looked up at Death.

"How did that not break for you?" I asked, standing up.

"Are you calling me fat?"

"No. It's just- I'm dead, and I only weighed like one-thirty when I was alive. You're taller and older than me. There's no way I broke that bridge and you didn't."

"It must be the weight of your sins," Death said. He didn't smile, didn't laugh; he didn't do anything but walk away. I sighed and followed. Following him was the only choice I had. If not because of being in hell, then it was because of the kiddie harness secured tightly around me.

"I have a question," I said.

"And i might have an answer. What is it, kid?"

"Why the he-" The sound stuck in my throat, leaving me literally choking on my own words. "Why am I wearing a kiddie harness?

Death shrugged. "Don't want you running off. There's a lot of things down here worse than Lilith, and they won't hesitate to take you if I'm not nearby."

"Okay, and why-"

"You said you had a question, as in one singular question."

"Why can't I say hell?"

"You just did," Death said, hopping over a small crevice.

"I can't say it when I'm trying to cuss." I fiddled with the straps of the harness, wrapping the loose ends around a finger and allowing them to uncoil. Death looked at me, and I stopped.

"Two reasons," he said. "We're neutral. We can't take a side in the wars of heaven and hell. And I happen to have a child filter."

"You-" I paused. "-have a child filter?"

Death messed with his gloves. "Do you have any idea how much trouble I get I for cussing around Gabriel? Easier to set up a complicated system like this than to sit in the corner." He wrapped his hand around the child leash and pulled me toward a section of the wall.

Blood-red gems sat flush in the stone, glistening like bloodied diamonds in the hellish light. There wasn't an opening or a door of any kind, but Death continued to walk towards it. He phased through it. A sharp tug on the leash sent me stumbling through the wall.

Dull pain coursed through my body, but I ignored it. I turn in circles, the rope winding around me as I stared in awe. Arches of bone and rock ringed the chamber, pathways that disappeared into red fog. Two stairways carved from obsidian led out of sight. Between those two staircases stood a mirror. A mirror which showed nothing but the room, Death, and me. Honestly, it was a bit of a let down.

A sharp pull on the leash sent me spinning. Death walked towards the mirror, dragging me behind him. "You can marvel later," he said. "Right now, we have a demon lord to get." We passed through the mirror without an issue, leaving us standing in front of stairs, carved from the same obsidian everything else in Hell seemed to be made of. I get that it's easy to find, but come on, couldn't they have some variety?

We started up the stairs, my shoes splashing in mystery fluid. I did my best to ignore it, but when the thought of it being blood rose up, so did a wave of nausea.

A loud, Irish voice bounced off the walls, assaulting my ears from all angles. "Lord Lucifer, would you please stop pouring Kool-Aid down the stairs?!"

"It's sugar-free."

Death snorted and kept walking. After way too long, we stepped onto a large raised dais. A throne sat at the far end of the circle, made of bones, gems, and, of course, obsidian. Of course, that wasn't the only thing up there. No, in the middle of the dais stood Lucifer and a goose.

Lucifer looked about the same as when I first met him: hair covered in soot, wings charred. There were some differences: he had changed his hoodie, he had horns, and he had the stereotypical demon tail.

The goose looked like all geese do, like terrible, horrible creatures. Except this one was worse. It was taller, scarier, had beady red eyes, a crown, a knife, and a full set of human teeth.

"You know, I have to agree with Anser," Death said. "You need to stop pouring that stuff down the stairs and start giving it to the souls. You're supposed to be torturing them, not scaring the crap out of my apprentice."

"I'm sorry, at what point did I ask for your opinion? And your chocolate's gone, by the way." Lucifer sat down a bucket of what I assumed to be Kool-Aid.

"I'm not here for the chocolate."

"Oh my eternal damnation, Anser, write this down. He's not here for the chocolate," Lucifer said. "If you're not here for the chocolate, then why are you here?"

Death looked at Anser. "Are you going to stand there or do your job and send some of your subjects back to Earth?"

"I don't have any who-" In the middle of his sentence, Anser cut off and flew away.

"What was that about?" I asked, watching the Irish goose disappear through a wall.

Lucifer laughed, bringing my attention back to him. "That kid doesn't know you very well, does she?" He walked towards us, crooked smile on his face.

"It's not like I've had her for that long," Death said. "Kid, how about you pour that Kool-Aid down the-" The bucket tipped over, spilling Kool-Aid across the floor. "Lucifer!"

Lucifer's grin widened, and his tail swishes through the air. "I'm a device of mischief, mayhem, and catastrophe. What else do you expect from me?"

I scratched the back of my hand. "Can you hurry up? The soundtrack here sucks," I said. While the stone walls muffled the constant screaming and repetitive music, I couldn't stop my eyes from darting around in anxious worry. The longer we stood there, the louder the screams got. I gritted my teeth and covered my ears.

"Aw, what's wrong? Can't you handle a little torture?" Lucifer cooed, his voice piped directly into my head.

Glaring at him, I didn't remove my hands from my ears before responding. "No offense, Luci, but I prefer rock to this," I said. He bristled, but I didn't worry. Death already put himself between me and Lilith, and I doubted he would let anything happen to me.

"Did- Did she just call me Lucy?"

"Yes, yes, she did. Can I just tell you why I'm here or not?"

"After I kill her," Luci growled.

"You know it's hard to kill something that's already dead," Death said, crossing his arms. "Now, shut up and listen. Your dad wants us to meet him and the others at our usual haunt. I'm assuming normal terms and conditions apply, so don't bring any mimes with you."

There wasn't an explanation as to why Luci couldn't bring mimes, not one Death offered nor a logical one I could come up with. Though, to be fair, when one's dealing with a world of angels and demons logic might not have a place anymore. Was there a logical reason for Death to look at me, say 'ah yes, this is the person I'll force to become my apprentice'? Not that I knew of, but here I was anyway.

Death and Luci kept talking, with Death listing off all the things Luci wasn't allowed to bring with him. Every addition caused Luci's wings to flutter and pain to flash across his face. Flickering blue flames wreathed him, and I decided I did not want to get involved in that, whatever *that* was.

I sat on the floor, away from the spilled Kool-Aid. Scattered embers flared and dimmed, twinkling like stars in the floor. I brushed my fingers across the ones within my reach, while my eyes moved to the ones outside it. Surprisingly, I didn't count six-hundred-sixty-six. There were ten. Ten glowing embers that I happened to be sitting in the middle of.

"Hey, Death? Do me a favor and get your apprentice out of my summoning circle."

"Kid! Get out of there," Death said. He decided to use the kiddie-harness against me. He pulled me towards him. My head hit the ground.

"Son of a-" My words tangled in my mouth, choking me as the infinite darkness and blotches of color retreated from my vision.

"Cabbage?" Death suggested.

Groaning, I sat up and gingerly touched the back of my head, feeling for injuries. No pain clouded my system, at least until my fingers brushed an area that sent fiery agony pulsing through my body. I pulled my hand away, wishing my tongue wasn't twisting around every cuss word. Within ten seconds, the pain dulled, and within twenty, it disappeared completely.

He didn't give me a chance to glare at him, turning and dragging me across the floor. "Come on, kid. I want to kick some sinners bbefore we leave," Death said. He walked down the stairs, and I didn't have time to stand up, so I ended up sliding down them like I was on a roller slide at the park. A roller slide that had half of the rollers stolen and the rest didn't move, but a roller slide nonetheless. Luckily for my butt, Death paused long enough at the base of the stairs or me to stand up. He guided me around pits and away from cliffs, heading towards dark silhouettesin the distance. As we drew closer, they solidified into souls. 

"Uh, isn't that a pope?" I asked, looking at one decked in clergy robes.

"Yeah." And that was all that was said. Death didn't say why he was here, what he did, or even who it was, but what Death did do was all the more shocking. He kicked him into lava. I stared at him in horror, horror which grew as a smile appeared on his face. We walked around Hell with Death kicking twenty more souls into the lava. As one plummeted towards the lava, Death leaned over the cliff and yelled, "That's what you get for selling timeshares!"

"Okay," I said, my voice rising and wavering. "You know, uh, once you get past the screaming and torture this place doesn't seem all that bad."

"You say that, but you haven't seen the geese yet. Oh, and kid? Before I forget, about what you called Lucifer..." Death trailed off, and I swallowed. I hoped he forget about that. A wide, blinding grin appeared on his face. "If you keep calling him that, I'll teach you how to speak our language."

My eyes widened. "You- You're not mad?"

"Mad?" He laughed. " Why would I be mad? Kid, that's best reaction I've seen out of him since there were three popes. And he has no jurisdiction over your soul, so go ahead and call him Luci. Just make sure to do it in front of the angels, and the Anti-Christ if you ever meet him. Especially the Anti-Christ."

"Got it. So where are we supposed to be going? A half-and-half dimension filled with half-angels and half-demons?"

Death flinched, and I covered my ears as a loud scream pierced the air next to us. He adjusted his scarf to cover his mouth; he turned away and shook his head. "No," he said. "We're going to Paradise."

Chapter: 2,932

Book: 7,697

I did my best but I'm not sure how well I did with the humor in this chapter

Also, this is the furthest I've gotten with editing so far

Um...

See yah