Sunday, August 2nd, 2020

There were moments in life that just had to happen, regardless of how you felt about them.

Although mum and dad has been apprehensive at first, they'd reluctantly agreed that this was something I needed to do on my own. They'd begged to at least come with me, but I needed this.

I needed this for myself.

I'm blasting Bon Iver, rolling down the freeway. The early morning traffic was thankfully light. I'd always been impatient with that type of thing. Especially when I had a long drive ahead of me.

The exit sign for Winterville looms ahead of me, and I merge into the left lane, heading to a place I never thought I'd return to.

My hands become clammy on the steering wheel and I readjust my grip, sitting up higher. I knew this was going to be hard. Returning to my old life wasn't supposed to be easy, even if it was only for the day.

I'd never really planned on doing this but it felt like the right thing to do. Something that I needed in order to finally let go.

My phone begins to ring as I pull up behind a car at the traffic lights. There was only half an hour to go.

"Hey," I breath, answering the call.

"You good, Hall?"

Yesterday had be one hell of a day. I'd never imagined that Harry's family wouldn't blame me when they found out. But despite everything, they had accepted me into their lives.

"I'm good," I say, sternly.

"I was surprised when I saw your text," he says, groggily, likely just waking up.

I'd left just after 6am, letting my friends know what I'd be up to today. It may have seemed excessive to tell them something so early, but I was done with keeping secrets. I was ready to open a new chapter, a new part of myself.

"I was surprised myself," I smile. "I didn't think I'd ever be able to do this— I still might not be able to do this, but I need to try."

"Of course you will," he says lightly, like it's the easiest thing in the world to agree to. "Let me know how it goes, alright?"

"I will, Harry. I...love you."

The words still felt foreign on my tongue. Saying it out loud would likely always scare me but I knew how I felt about Harry. Those three words had never been more sincere.

"I love you too, Hall," he laughs and I can hear the smile in his voice. "I'll see you tonight when you get home."

I can't help but smile, blushing despite myself. "Yeah. That sounds good."

Bon Iver fills the speakers once Harry hangs up. I can't seem to wipe the smile off my face.

We weren't offical or anything but I knew it was only a matter of time. Although it hasn't even been a year, I couldn't imagine what my life would be like without him. Without any of my friends.

The sign for Winterville zooms past as I continue on. The smile drops slowly from my face and I remember what today was bring.

I didn't know how this would go, but there was only one way to find out.

I pull into Hot n' Cold Café, where I used to always get a hot chocolate after school. It felt longer than almost nine months since I had been here. Like a lifetime has passed.

I remember being here with Millie, sitting at our table, watching the road ahead of us as we gossiped about school.

I felt like an entirely different person now. Like trivial things didn't matter. I'd learnt to understand what was important, differentiating from was wasn't.

For a while, I'd missed my old friendships, my old self, but now I knew life was full of growth. You didn't suddenly stop growing at a certain age, you continued to for the rest of your life. Life was about growth. It was about learning to understand who you really are and overcoming the obstacles that stopped you along the way.

I step into the café, the bell jingling overhead. The few customers turn to watch me. Their expressions falter as they do a double-take. It was a small town. I wasn't surprised that they still remembered who I was. It hadn't been long enough to forget. I didn't know if they ever would.

I pretend to ignore the curious glances and the hard stares as I walk towards the counter.

"Hi, what can I—"

I ignore the fact that Todd, a boy I went to school with has suddenly gone mute, his jaw hanging open at the sight of me.

"Hi, Todd," I smile, meekly. "Can I just get the large hot chocolate. Oh, and two marshmallows, please."

It takes him a second to write down my order. When he does, his hand fumbles all over the place, his pen scribbling messily. I hand him over the money and he drops the coins, cursing under his breath.

I'd never really known Todd Clammings. He'd been in my year level, but we'd hardly ever associated. The only time we ever really spoke was in Hot n' Cold Café, when he worked after school. He'd always been pleasant to me, but I was sure that his impression of me had been tainted since November.

"How've you been?" I ask, quietly.

He's making my hot chocolate as his head whips round, staring at me. "How've—me?"

"Yeah," I nod. "How are you?"

"I mean, fine. Thanks. The same. Nothings— everything has been pretty much the same since you left, if that's what you're asking."

"How's school?"

He watches me apprehensively, his eyebrows furrowed. I forgot that these people didn't like me. He probably thought I was making a smart comment but really, I wanted to know.

"How do you think?" he retorts.

"Sorry," I whisper. "That was...and insensitive question."

He huffs, placing the lid of my cup on and sliding the hot chocolate in front of me.

"What are you even doing here?" he questions, frowning.

I watch him momentarily, remembering the smiling boy who used to stand before me, greeting me with a warm hello each morning. It was weird to see how people's impressions could change. Literally over night the town lost their respect for me and my family and as much as I hated to say it, it still hurt.

It probably always would but that was something I'd learn to understand.

"I have some things I need to finish," I say vaguely. "Don't worry, I'm not moving back. There isn't a lot left for me here."

He crosses his arms over his chest, leaning back agains the bench behind him. "So you aren't staying long?"

"No," I agree. "I'm just passing through."

He nods slowly, scratching his neck. He sighs suddenly, scrubbing his face. "For what it's worth, not everyone still blames you."

I gulp, trying to hold in the unexpected tears. "Oh. Thanks."

"I think most people just find it hard to look at you because of— well, you know. That's what it's like for me too, right now. When you walked in— shit. I just...I saw him. I'm sorry if— if I was rude."

"It's alright. Nothing I'm not used to. I'm better at handling it now."

"You were always nice to me, London. I'm sorry you got dragged into your brother's mess," Todd frowns, solemnly.

After all this time, I'd never known someone to apologise to me about what happened with my brother. It felt strange to hear it.

"That means a lot, Todd," I croak, picking up my hot chocolate. "Thank you."

He shrugs, nodding his head. "Good luck with everything."

"You too," I smile, placing five dollars in the tip jar.

I open the door, listening to the jingle one last time. Probably for the last time ever. I never planned on coming back to Winterville after today. There was nothing left for me here anymore. Once I made my peace with it, I'd be long gone. Back to Bakley. Back home.

I place the cup on the top of my car, unlocking the door. I'm about to hop in when someone calls my name.

"Lonnie?"

It would be hard not to recognise the voice who belongs to someone you once considered your best friend.

Millie stands on the footpath, hair blowing in the breeze. Her expression is one of shock initialling, but she's able to compose herself, turning stoic. She looks taller and her hair had grown out. Something about her seemed wiser too, like she held herself differently.

I don't move from my car, unsure about how to go about this. It was something I had thought could happen, of course. But that didn't mean I wanted it to happen. I knew seeing Millie was going to be one of the hardest things for me and I had hoped to avoid any confrontation.

I guess the universe really wasn't on my side. Or maybe it was and this was something that had to happen regardless of how I felt.

"Millie," I whisper.

I seem to bring her out of a trance. She looks around momentarily, like she's not sure if this is real. She steps off the sidewalk, walking slowly towards me.

She stops just short of my car door as I stand behind it, holding onto the frame. We watch each other carefully, trying to comprehend that this was really happening.

It was weird to think that this girl standing in front of me was someone who I believed had been my closest friend. Someone I stayed up late talking to, telling each other secrets. Someone who I would have done everything for. But now, she may as well have been a stranger. Someone who had lived so much that I hadn't been apart of. It may have only been months, but so much had changed between us.

"How've— how've you been?" I ask, breaking the silence.

"Fine," she nods. "I've been fine."

A moment of silence passes between us, something that never used to happen. We were always filling in the spaces, always finding things to say.

"I'm sure you have questions. I'm sure you want to know what I'm doing here."

"Yes," she breathes. "Have you... are you back?"

"No," I shake my head. "I moved away for good. I just had some things to do today."

She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, biting her lip. That was something she used to do when she was nervous, a habit I'd never forget. Something I used to tease her about and she'd always stick her tongue out like we were six years old again, laughing along with me.

It was strange how time had the power to change so much. I never thought twice about Millie being best friend forever. We'd carved it into the tree in her backyard, pinkie swearing that nothing would change between us. We'd talked about being each other's maids of honour one day. Our kids were supposed to grow up together and becomes friends too.

But plans always changed. I was learning to understand that.

Millie and I, we weren't going to be friends forever and that was okay. Sometimes, friendships don't work out but that doesn't mean that they didn't mean anything. I learnt a lot with Millie. I grew up with Millie. We were sisters once, but now it was time to start a new chapter separately.

"I'm really glad I saw you," I smile.

Her eyes fill with unexpected tears. "Really?"

"Yeah," I nod. "I mean at first I was nervous. But now I'm glad. Today was supposed to be about being able to move forward with my life and I'm so glad that you're here right now."

She pulls me into a tight hug, her arms wrapping around my neck. He familiar smell of roses fills me with nostalgia of a time that seems like forever ago.

"I've always regretted how I ended things between us. You were my best friend and I should have never cut you off like that. I should have had your back."

"Thank you," I murmur. "I'm glad you said that."

"I hope you know I don't blame you for what Nix did. Not anymore. I was just blinded with confusion when it happened. You were just caught in the crossfire. I shouldn't have been a bystander, though. I should have stood up for you."

"If I've learnt one thing recently, it's to just leave the past in the past. You can't change how you reacted and that's okay. You know what you did and you've apologised. All I needed to know was that you didn't blame me now."

She pulls back, wiping her eyes. "I'm so glad you're okay. After you left, I slowly started to realise how much I missed you being here. School isn't the same. Life isn't the same."

It was weird to see her crying like this. Millie was usually the laidback, easy going one. It was like we had reversed our roles. And as much as I missed Millie, too much had changed for us to ever be the same.

"It'll get easier. It did for me," I smile. "My new home, it's...it's home, you know? I don't think I've felt like that in a long time."

"What's it like?"

"The people I've met," I can help but blush thinking about Harry, "they've changed my life, Mills. Without even meaning too."

She sniffs, nodding. "I'm happy for you. Really, I am."

I pull her in for another hug before stepping back. "Keep in touch, yeah?"

"I'd love that," she nods, stepping away from the car. She walks backwards until her feet land on the sidewalk. She waits for me to reverse out of the parking lot and drive away.

Although we may never see each other again, I felt at peace knowing she was out there, beginning the next stage of her life.

I watch her in the rear view mirror as she becomes smaller and smaller, never looking away from my retreating car until I turn a corner and lose her from the distance.

Remembering Nix's gravesite comes easier than I had thought. I hadn't been here much but it was like my feet were carrying me on their own accord.

I trudge through the wet grass, the flowers wilting slightly in my hands.

Memories flood back of the media cameras flashing, my parents pushing their way through a thick crowd of photographers, shielding me from view.

It's silent now as I stand over the burial of my brother, one hand shoved into the pockets of my trench coat whilst the other holds the flowers. My breath fogs the air in front of me as a slight drizzle of rain emits from the clouds above.

No one else is here. It's a relief to finally feel at peace, not having to worry about what was going on around me.

"Long time no see, hey?" I whisper, staring at the words etched into the tombstone.

Phoenix Xavier McLaren
Beloved son and brother
March 31st 2001 - November 11th 2019

My parents had spent sleepless nights trying to decide what message would be appropriate for his grave. They'd agonised over what people would think of them, how they would take it.

I'm surprised to see that there is only a minimal amount of damage to Nix's tombstone. A small chip missing and only a singular sentence about getting what he deserved. Honestly, I'd expected the entire thing to be ruined.

"I miss you," I breathe. "I miss how you were before..."

Before what? Nix had been mentally unwell. His whole life he had probably been dealing with his demons. Was there really ever a before? Or was there just an after?

"I'm sorry," I wipe my cheek with my sleeve, feeling the tears begin to flood my eyes. "I'm sorry that you felt like no one could help.

"But what you did was wrong. I know you may not be able to understand that. I just hope you realise that you didn't have to die. That no one needed to die. People would have wanted to help you if you had just told us what was going on."

The wind slowly drags my hair across my face, momentarily obscuring my view. It was strange to think that I would never be able to have a conversation with my brother again. It would always be one-sided.

"I know you loved me," I nod, biting my lip to hold in the tears. "I know you loved mum and dad. Why couldn't you just realise that you were loved too? That it didn't have to be like this."

I knew I'd never be able to understand what he went through, what inhabited his mind. I know I'll never understand the pain and how he likely fought against it every day of his life.

I just wish he knew that he could have come to me and I would have never turned him away. I wish he knew that the stigma behind mental illness shouldn't have stopped him from feeling safe to talk to me, his sister. My best friend.

"I'll always love you, Nix," I manage the faintest of smiles, my lip quivering. "I wish things could have been different for you. I always will."

I press my fingers to my lips, placing them down upon the top of the stone. "Bye, Nixie."

I move along the rows and rows of graves, placing a flower down on fourteen of the tombs that shouldn't be here today.

Nick Anderson
Tyler Brown
Abigail Davis
Penelope Garcia
Christopher Gonzalez
Drew Harris
Ethan James
Mason Johnson
Tina Lee
Olivia Samuels
Clark Steinfeld
Emily Stevenson
Layla Thomas
Eric Webster

Liam Coleman

Their names deserved to be heard.

I had one last flower to place on Liam's grave once I began my journey home. His family had wanted to have him buried closer to where he had grown up, Harry had told me recently. They wanted him home.

I take the long drive back home, cranking the volume up on my stereo and blasting The Lumineers.

My chest felt lighter, like all that once felt heavy was missing. I knew I'd have days where things would be hard but right now,

I
Was
Alive.

That's all that matters.