Thursday, July 2nd, 2020

It's blinding. White, sterilised lights. Words. Distant voices. A throbbing pain that emits from the back of my skull, transporting to the front.

"You stay with me. Stay with me, Lon."

Words. Memories. Echoing voices inside my head.

"I'm Kennedy, by the way. It's nice to have you with us, Lonnie."

A burning sensation. My eyes flickering.

"Just pick a song, Hall."

My lungs filling with air. Breathing on my own.

"You can't live your life in fear of getting hurt. You just have to live."

Blurry vision. Struggling to move.

"Something is going on with you. I don't know what it is, but I know it's something."

Tubes. Struggling to breathe. My hand twitches.

"It makes me a monster by association."

Voices growing louder. Something soft grazing my skin.

"I can't, Harry. I can't be the person you want me to be."

Voices speaking near me. Something clasps my hand.

"You're not a mess. You're just learning to cope."

Sounds. Loud chatter.

"I love you, Lonnie. I won't let you do this to yourself."

Frantic sounds. Someone shouting.

"Tell me that your brother didn't kill— kill Liam."

My eyes, fluttering. Blurry.

"I won't lose you too."

Figures stepping forward. Sounds.

"Lonnie? Can you hear me? I need a doctor! I need a doctor in here! She's waking up!"

Darkness. Struggling to breathe. Silence.

"See you, Sis."

The rain patters softly against the roof when I finally wake. It's dark outside, the only light coming from a nearby streetlamp.

Dad sits slumped in an armchair next to my bed. His head is hanging low as he snores softly, arms crossed over his chest. Three empty coffee cups sit stacked on the bedside table, next to a bunch of roses and a handful of 'get well soon' cards. A few magazines sit piled next to dad's chair, mostly home designs. My mother's favourite.

My hands reach out for dad, but I notice the needles tapped into my skin. I look away, gulping. I look down at myself, a white threaded blanket covering my body. I follow the needle and its cord to an IV drip hanging by the side of my bed.

I was in the hospital. That much was obvious.

The soft breath of my father draws my attention. He looked so peaceful, yet extremely tired. Even while he slept, three lines were etched into his otherwise lineless face.

I squeeze my eyes shut, blinking three times. I cough softly, my head swivelling around the room. I hadn't noticed the tv on mute in the corner, playing a re-run of some show. It goes to an ad break before the news comes on. The date at the bottom startles me.

"Ju...July?" I rasp, confused.

How was that possible? I couldn't remember anything from the past month. I'd been...it had been...

What happened?

The door opens to my room, surprising me. I watch as my mother shuffles in, focusing on the two cups of coffee she is holding. Her hair is pulled back in a sloppy ponytail, a few strands framing her face. She's dressed in boyfriend jeans and a loose fitted t-shirt. Her expression saddens me. She looks miserable.

"M...mu..."

I don't even have to finish my broken sentence before mum looks up at me. Her face is blank at first like she can't decipher what she's seeing. She blinks several times before breaking into a sad smile.

"Lonnie?" she croaks. "Oh, god. Lonnie."

The coffees drop out of her hands as she rushes towards me. She pins me to her chest, sobbing loudly. She brushes her fingers through my hair soothingly.

"You are awake. You're here. You're okay," she whispers. "Oh god. You're okay. You're okay."

I diligently lift my hands to hold her but I wince. She withdraws from me, wiping her eyes.

"Sorry," she sniffs. "Did I hurt you?"

I shake my head slowly, sinking back into the pillows.

"You started to wake up yesterday," she whispers, rubbing my hand. "But then— then you didn't so I thought maybe...maybe I'd imagined it. But you're here. You're here."

I'm not going anywhere, I want to tell her. Everything hurts too much.

Mum walks over to wake dad, lightly shaking his shoulder. "Sleepyhead. Lon's awake."

Dad begins to open his eyes, groaning softly. "What, Luce?"

"She's awake," mum repeats.

Dad looks over at me. His entire face seems to light up, the frown lines I saw in his sleep are less prominent. He laughs heartedly, pushing himself out of the chair and clasping my hand.

He leans over, kissing my head. "It's good to have you back, kiddo. I know you're a teenager and all, but did you really need a months worth of sleep?"

Mum hits him playfully and I manage a grin. He was making jokes again. I hadn't heard him make one since Nix had died.

"I knew you'd pull through. I never doubted your strength," he whispers, wiping the hair from my forehead.

Mum leans her head against his shoulder, sighing lightly. Her eyes are so full of love that my heart aches. I'd scared my parents. After everything that had happened last year, they had to deal with the idea of losing me too.

"I'm..s...sor..."

"If you're about to apologise, don't. I'm not sure why you would be. You're alive and that is all that matters," mum interjects.

"I'll go grab a doctor," dad says, kissing my forehead and then mum's cheek. He steps out of the room closing the door.

Mum falls into the seat dad was occupying minutes ago. She scoots it closer to my bed so that she can hold my hand.

"I'm sure you have a lot of questions," she says. "I don't know where to start."

"July al...already?"

Mum smiles sadly at me, stroking my hair. "You were put into an induced coma, sweetheart. You lost a lot of blood from— from the... bullet wound. Not to mention, your skull was fractured and you suffered an Edema."

"Ed...ema?"

"It's when there is swelling in the brain," she whispers. "We thought after that, everything was going to be okay," her eyes are filling with tears and she bites into her lip to stop herself from crying.

"What else?"

"Your brain started to hemorrhage. They had to operate quickly but they didn't know if— if you'd ever wake up again," she covers her mouth, a sob wracking through her. "You didn't start breathing on your own until...until yesterday. We were so worried that we were going to— going to—"

She leans forward, clasping her hands against mine. I want to soothe her but I'm not sure how. I can hardly move.

She sits up, wiping her eyes. "If Harry hadn't—if he wasn't there, if he didn't call the police...I owe that boy my whole life, Lonnie. He saved my daughter."

Harry.

"He's an amazing person. He really loves you," mum whispers, wiping her eyes.

"How...how is he?" I gulp, my voice scratchy. Talking was exhausting.

She shakes her head. "He visits every day after school. He sits with you for hours on the weekend. He calls me every night just to check-in. I don't think that boy would leave if he had the choice. All of them visit, Lon. Whenever they can be here, they're all here."

All of them. Ken, Syd, Ash and Coop. Harry.

My mind flickers back to that day. I imagine the gun going off and flinch.

"Aubrey's...dead?"

Mum stiffens, wiping her nose. "Yes. They couldn't revive her."

I turn my head away from mum, a single tear rolling down my cheek. Despite everything, Aubrey did deserve better. She deserved so much better. I never really got to know her when we went to Winterville together, but suddenly, I wish that I did. I wish I could have protected her from all this.

"Don't blame yourself, Lonnie. What happened with Aubrey, what happened with your brother...none of it was your fault," she says sternly.

"I know," I whisper. "I know that...now."

"Good," she nods, smiling sadly at me. "I blamed myself for a long time too. I mean, how did I not see that my own son needed help? Did I fail him as a mother?"

"Mum. Of course you didn't."

She nods, sniffling. "I try not to blame myself now, but it's hard. It'll always be hard, but that's just something that I'm starting to live with."

"Despite...he still loved...you. I know...it."

She cups my cheek, her thumb tracing soft patterns against my skin. "I hope so. I try to hold onto the good memories we had with him but I'll never forget the people he hurt."

I nod slowly, staring at my beautiful mother. She was the strongest woman I knew. I loved her so much.

"Why don't you relax, hmm? I'll bring you your laptop. Maybe we could watch some Netflix tonight."

"That would be...great. Thanks."

"Of course, Lon. Anything you need, I'm here."