Wednesday, May 13th, 2020

It kept me up all night. It wasn't the confliction that kept me awake but the decision I'd chosen.

I don't think there ever was a decision to make in the first place. Only one option stood out.

Inevitably, I was going to hurt all of them. I didn't want to but it would happen either way. Either I got this over with and pretended that I could live my life without them or they were going to find out the truth and hate me.

I'm running off three hours of sleep when I walk into school. It took me almost half a bottle of concealer to cover the bags under my eyes. I knew I looked like hell, but I didn't care anymore.

Once I reach my locker, I tie up my knotty hair into a messy bun. I check my timetable and sigh.

Maths.

I couldn't face Harry right now. Not when my impending decision was resting heavily on my shoulders.

The library seemed like the safest option. A little studying can take your mind of anything, right?

Right.

I'm avoiding Nix's car again. Walking home was the best option. Somehow, even though he had died six months ago, his presence had never been stronger. His hold on me never tighter.

I'd been trying to drive as much as possible. I knew it made mum happy, believing that I was moving on. But I just couldn't do it right now.

The worst about all of this wasn't just what Nix had done. It was the fact that if he hadn't done it I wouldn't have met any of my friends. And I felt sick just thinking about that.

People had lost their lives and I was thinking such sick, twisted thoughts.

I hated Nix. I hated what he did to those innocent students in Winterville. I hated that he still could ruin my life from his grave.

I hated that I was thinking about how lucky I was to have such great friends when the only reason I had ever met them was because of my brother's actions.

Worst of all, I hated that a small part of me still loved him, even now. I wanted to forget who he was entirely. I wanted to erase the memories of who he was as a child. Not malicious and scary like most psychopaths were. I wanted to understand why.

Why was there no signs? Why was there nothing that proved to me what he'd do?

A car horn honks. I flinch, turning to the culprit driving slowly down the street next to me.

"Lon?"

It's Harry. Harry freaking Coleman. The last person I needed to see right now when my heart was breaking.

"Get in. It's cold. I'll drive you the rest of the way home."

"I'm okay," I say, hugging myself to fight the bitter wind. "It's only a block away."

"Lon..."

"Leave it, Harry," I snap. His smile falters and I hate myself.

I was ruining his life and he couldn't see it. He couldn't see the destructive path that I was leading him down. I was going to break him and I was terrified. He didn't deserve the burden of me being in his life.

I pull my headphones out of my pocket, turning up the volume on my phone.

Forgetting by David Gray floods my ears. What would usually soothe me, only breaks my heart even further.

He's still driving next to me. I can see him in my periphery, rolling down the street at a snail's pace.

I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve someone who cared so much.

The wind is stinging my eyes. Fresh tears blur my vision.

"Lon, just get in the car. I'm not leaving until you do."

I slow my steps, turning towards Harry. I sprint towards the car, just as the rain sets in. I place my backpack at my feet and am instantly soothed by the warm heater blasting.

I lean back into the seat, watching the rain as it pelts against the window. I pull out my headphones, placing them back in my pocket.

Harry was listening to a song by The Lumineers, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel with the beat.

When I turn to watch him, he has a frown etched into his expression. All I want to do is smooth it out of his skin, taking away all his worries.

"I didn't see you at school today."

"I, uh, had a study period and I felt like eating off campus."

"A study period? When you were supposed to be at math?" he says, briefly watching me before turning back to the road.

It had been a lame excuse, one that I should have thought about harder. Of course, Harry would know that I'd been skipping. We literally had math together first period. Which I had missed.

"Seriously, Lonnie. What the fuck is going on? First, we completely ignore what happened at your party and now—"

"You didn't bring it up either," I defend. "It's not like I told you not to talk about what happened at the party."

"I didn't talk about it because I knew what you'd say!" he says, his voice rising with frustration. "I knew you'd do exactly what you did the first time we kissed. You'd push me away again, pretending that you don't feel the same way that I feel about you."

My heart skips a beat but I choose to ignore it. I couldn't let something as easy as words change my decision.

"I just don't get it," he laughs angrily. "I don't get why you feel like you have to retreat every time something good happens between us."

I'm silent. I can't tell him anything because everything I have to say will be nothing that he wants to hear.

"I'm just so confused, Lonnie. So, please, help me understand for once. Help me understand why," he whispers.

I had to think with my head and not my heart. No matter how hard it was going to get, that was the only way forward.

"Not everything can be perfect," I mutter.

"What does that even mean?"

"It means, Harry, that this picture you have of me in your head is bullshit. I'm not the type of girl you want. I'm not...good."

He shakes his head, pulling over. I realise that we are out the front of my house. But I know I can't get out of the car yet. I know I can't leave things like this. He deserved better than that.

If I was going to break both our hearts the least I could do was do it with decency.

"What are you so afraid of, Lon? Why won't you just be real with me for two seconds and tell me what's going on?"

I shake my head, burying my head in my hands.

"I care about you, Lonnie. Dammit, I like you. So much. But you already know that. You already know all this so why can't you see that I just want to help you?" he whispers, reaching to pull my hands away from my face.

"You can't help everyone, Harry. Not everyone can be saved."

He frowns, cupping my face. "That isn't— you don't need saving. You just need to realise that people are here for you."

I shake my head, removing his hands from me. I can feel myself trembling from his touch but I can't stop now.

"You think you can try to save me to make up for what happened with Liam," I croak, watching his face fall. "But it doesn't work like that."

I've hurt him. I know it. But I was meant to. It was easier to push people away than tell them the awful truth.

He rubs his head like he can feel an oncoming headache forming. I wouldn't blame him if he did. I knew how frustrating I could be.

"Is that what you really think I'm doing?" he says, bleakly.

"I—"

"Don't do this," he pleads. "Don't push me away again."

"It's for the best," I answer, honestly.

"For the best? Lon—"

"I mean it, Harry," I say, callously. "Stay away from me."

"I won't let you do this. Kennedy won't let you do this either."

I stare at him and my heart physically breaks. I place my hand against my chest like I'm trying to keep it from falling out.

"Everything is so fucked," I shout. "I'm not going to allow you to get dragged down into this."

"Into what?" he shouts. "Into what, Lon?"

I shake my head vigorously. "Sooner or later you're going to realise that you wished you never met me."

"That's not true," he says, sternly. "Nothing is going to change my mind about you."

"Nothing, huh?" I laugh angrily.

Harry would never be able to look at me the same if he knew what my brother had done. It wasn't an assumption, it was a fact.

And I didn't blame him. If he ever found out, I wouldn't blame him for hating me. Because I deserved it.

I watch him. He's close to tears and it makes it harder for me to breathe.

If I hadn't moved to Bakley, if I told Kennedy that I couldn't sit with her at lunch, if I hadn't have met Harry, none of this would have happened.

He would have been living his life peacefully, slowly grieving the loss of his cousin. But at least he wouldn't have known me. The girl who's brother killed Liam.

"Nothing is going to scare me away, London."

He never called me that. Never. But maybe it was for the best. That way we could distance ourselves.

"Don't be so sure," I whisper, dispirited. "You don't know everything about me."

"And who's decision was that?" he whispers, glumly.

He's watching me with so much intensity and hope. I know if I don't leave this car soon, everything will shatter apart within me.

Before I can stop myself, I lean forward, pressing my lips against his briefly. I can taste his salty tears as they mix with mine.

I pull away quickly, picking up my backpack and opening the door.

"I just hope you know that, whatever happens, that I never meant to hurt you. That I'm sorry and that I wish— I wish I could have stopped it all from happening."

"Lon—"

"Goodbye, Harry."

I step out into the cold afternoon, the rain pelting against my skin. I swing my backpack over my shoulder, racing towards the house.

I knew something now. When you loved someone, it wasn't about being with them. It was about doing what was best to see them happy.

I'd never cared about someone the way I cared about Harry. The sudden realisation hits me like a shockwave.

I love Harry Coleman but I couldn't be with him. I wouldn't be selfish anymore no matter how much my heartaches when I think of his smile, his quiet laughter, the way he says my name.

I don't look back but I hear Harry's car drive off. Then I finally let myself break down.