Monday, May 11th, 2020

I can't stop staring at my wrist. Dodger had warned me against touching it, telling me it would risk infection.

Six months. Nix had been gone for exactly six months. It had only been six months since my entire life changed, yet it felt like an eternity.

I outline the tattoo on my wrist as I sit opposite Mrs Thornbury. I was obsessed with it. It looked exactly like my design.

"I always wanted a tattoo but I was too scared to ever get one," she smiles, absentmindedly rubbing her belly.

"Not long now," I say. "Only— what? Two months to go?"

She rolls her eyes. "I cannot wait to get this tiny baby out of me. I'm over the back pain."

She's dressed more casually today. It wasn't her usual floral style, but a simple pair of loose-fitting pants and a white blouse.

"None of my clothes fit me anymore," she pouts. "Even my feet are too swollen to wear my favourite boots."

I offer her a smile, picking at the fluff on my school jumper nervously.

"What's on your mind today, Lonnie?"

What wasn't on my mind today would have been a better question. Everything was swarming my head like bees in a hive.

"Everything," I mutter.

She doesn't comment but clasps her hands together against her belly.

Something about Mrs Thornbury always made me feel like I could be honest. I never felt like I had to hide around her because I knew this was a safe space.

"I'm worried about Aubrey," I admit. "She sort of...spoke to me. She remembers who I am."

Mrs Thornbury's expression falters but she remains nonchalant. "Aubrey Steinfeld?"

I nod. "Yes. She came up to me and told me that she remembers who I am now. That Nix is my brother," I whisper.

Mrs Thornbury nods. "Do you feel unsafe, Lonnie? At school?"

I go to answer but realise that I don't have one. I hadn't ever considered that maybe Aubrey would do more than just pin me against a locker.

"I don't know. I'm just scared that she might tell people the truth."

Mrs Thornbury takes a few notes down. She nods her head even though I've finished speaking like she's locked in her thoughts.

"I will do as much as I can, Lonnie. But I need your permission."

"My permission?" I frown.

"These sessions are confidential. But it has come to my attention that I may need to inform the school of this situation."

"What?" I blurt. I start to panic, realising that maybe I shouldn't have told her this at all.

"It's for your own saftey, Lonnie. We need to discuss with Aubrey as well about—"

"No. This isn't why I told you. I just— please. You can't tell the school."

"Lonnie..."

"Please, Mrs Thornbury. I— okay. You can have a metting with Aubrey, talk to her. Just don't include the school in this."

She sighs. "What are you most afraid of, London?"

I shake my head, tugging at my hair. "I don't— my parents. I can't ruin their lives again. I can't make them leave this town too."

"You're afraid that your parents will be mad at you?"

"No, not mad. Disappointed. They'll— they'll think that I compromised everything they've worked for. They had to give up their lives to move here. I don't want them to have to do that again."

"You think they'll blame you for Aubrey knowing who you are?"

"I don't want them to think I was being careless."

"London, honey. Okay, for one second, don't think of me as your school counsellor. Think of me as your...favourite cousin or something."

I stare down at the lotus on my wrist, fighting the urge to reach out and touch it.

"Your parents are not going to be angry at you for telling them about Aubrey. How were you to know that a girl from your past was going to turn up here? You couldn't. This isn't your fault."

Tears spring to my eyes and I shake my head. "I can't do it to them. I can't."

Mrs Thornbury sighs, but she nods her head in understanding. "It isn't up to me to tell you what to do. You have to decide for yourself. But I strongly advise you to talk to your parents about this."

"Are you going to tell the school?" I ask, frantic.

"I will if I think that Aubrey poses a real threat to your saftey. But I'm willing to speak with her first. If you will allow me to."

"If you're asking for my permission to tell her about what I've spoken about, then sure, go ahead. She already knows everything about me."

Mrs Thornbury gets up and walk towards the water dispenser she keeps in the corner of her office. She fills a cup and brings it over to me.

"I can tell something else is on your mind."

There were people in life that were born to do certain jobs. Mrs Thornbury was one of those people.

"How did you know that?" I say, taking a sip of water.

"Well, usually when you're about to walk out of this office, I see this— this weight lifts off your shoulders. We still aren't there today."

I clasp my hands together on my lap. "I'm conflicted."

"I want— I want to look out for Harry and the others. Over the past few months, they've become my closest friends. Even in Winterville, I don't think I ever really had friends like them."

But I also know that what I'm doing, it's completely selfish. Although I'm still not in a great place with everything, having them there, it's really helped. But it isn't good for them to be friends with someone like me in the long run."

"So, you're going to live your life in fear that you'll loose them? That isn't much of a life, Lonnie."

"Yes, because that is how I have to be. There is no more second chances for me. If people find out about Nix, they will never see me the same. I can't afford to relax. I'm always going to have to be looking over my shoulder wondering if someone knows the truth. Wondering when people will walk away."

"So, what are you going to do? Are you going to stay or are you going to break all their hearts by giving them up?"

"I thought you were supposed to be neutral, like Swizterland."

"I'll be neutral when I think you're on the right path."

I can't help my laugh, completely frustrated and ready to rip my hair out.

"I don't think I can do this anymore," I say, digging my nails into my hands. "Everything is— it's all crashing down around me and I don't know how to stop it."

"Lonnie, you don't give yourself enough credit. You've been dealing with all of this since November and you've been doing a fine job with all the pain."

"Have I, though? Because sometimes, I feel like I'm just going crazy. I feel like— like nothing has changed at all."

She's silent for a moment, watching me with sympathy. "One thing I've learnt about you is that you tend to live in the past and not think about your future. Do you even know what you're going to do when you graduate this year?"

Short answer: no. I had too much to think about already. Next year felt so far away. Even one day felt like a week lately.

"I think that you haven't thought about your future because you think you don't deserve one."

Something heavy weighs against my chest. I feel suddenly very vulnerable. Even after already sharing so much with her, I'd never felt this open.

"You're punishing yourself for your brother's actions."

"I know— I know it wasn't my fault but...what if I could have prevented it?"

She leans forward slightly. "How? Did you know he would do this? Did he act differently? Did he tell you?"

"No, but—"

"Then you couldn't have known. You couldn't have known what he'd do. Don't play that game with yourself."

I sniff, feeling the oncoming wave of emotion. I wouldn't let myself cry, though. I wouldn't.

"You need to know, Lon, that no one but your brother is responsible for what happened."

"I know," I whisper.

"I don't think you do," she smiles sadly. "And you know what? I see that you're almost there when it comes to realising you aren't to blame for what happened. But for some reason, this is the one thing that you can't seem to change your mind on."

I look out the window, watching the late afternoon sun in the sky.

"You're so sure that you could have prevented it. And I think you're the only person who can change your mind about that."

"I still don't know what to do about my friends," I whisper.

"What option feels the best for you?"

"I know the right option, but is it the best? Either way, something will be compromised."

"Well, Lon, that will be up to you."

"So you're back to being Switzerland again?"

She shurgs, standing up to walk be to the door. "I'm back to showing you that there are always going to be choices in our lives. Hard choices. But somehow, you've just gotta keep going."

"I'll see you next week," I say, nodding.

"See you next week, Lon."