*Trigger warning: mentions of depression, anxiety, and intention of suicide towards the end of this chapter.

Soundtrack for this chapter:
Under the Influence—Elle King
Wish I Knew You—The Revivalists
Fix You—Coldplay

5

Jules

When I'm nervous or uncomfortable, I tend to smile. It's been an equally valuable trait in my personal life and in counseling. When one of my clients is telling me all sorts of things and I'm feeling utterly uncomfortable but have to maintain a calming, soothing demeanor, I smile through it.

When Theo approached me after I'd finished my set at the open mic night in the park, I'd wager that about fifty percent of my smile was from the high of performing while the other fifty percent was coming from feeling very awkward. I had sex with this man after knowing him for a few hours, I slept in his clothing, and then I snuck out of his house, assuming I'd never see him again, yet there he was. I could have killed Nora for suggesting we "catch up."

My brain was also trying to comprehend why he was interested in speaking to me again; maybe he wanted another go at it? No, that couldn't be possible. I was positive I had nothing in comparison to his level of experience in such intimate matters.

I'd been able to beat back those vultures crooning at me about the night we spent together to the point where I convinced myself that I was nothing more than a hook up for him. If I was being honest with myself, that's all I'd wanted him to be to me. But a secret part of me had hoped we'd somehow reconnect; I'd have been fooling myself if I said it didn't sting a bit when I finally did come to terms that I was nothing more to him than a fun night. Then again, every time I let him work his way into my brain, Will and my parents pushed him out.

Yet I couldn't deny Theo when he was right in front of me. Those blue eyes of his kept pulling me back in, hindering my judgement like one too many mint juleps on a hot Savannah afternoon.

I followed him away from the crowd and down a gravel pathway. Theo was the one to break our awkward silence.

"So...what've you been up to?"

Were we pretending like the night we spent together never happened? I could do that. I was good at pretending. That meant I could treat this encounter like it was the first time I was meeting him.

"Our academic year just started, so we had a brand new group of freshmen arrive on campus last week."

"How did it go?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "It was fine, I guess. Much less intimidating this time being that I'd been through it before. You remember what it was like to be a freshman; the instant freedom can be overwhelming for some of them."

"Actually, not so much. I went straight into the military, remember?"

My face scrunched up in embarrassment; he was going to think I didn't pay him an ounce of attention when we were at Midtown. "Right, sorry." I shook my head. "I knew that; I wasn't thinking. I—"

"Jules, relax. You might be the most tightly wound person I've ever met." He turned to me and smiled, but I regarded his smile as dangerous; it was charming, yet there was something underneath it. It was one of the things about him that kept me talking to him that night at Midtown, even when I knew I should have turned the other way.

I prided myself on being able to pick people apart, discover things about them, but everything I thought about Theo had been wrong; he was a challenge for me to figure out. I decided that if this night turned into anything other than another proposition for me to go back to his place, I would've been wrong about him again.

"Maybe you should talk for a little. How's work?"

"Work is why I chose to take a walk through the park."

I looked up at him and raised my eyebrows.

"Today was rough. There was an accident on 93, and the man we were helping didn't survive. They tell you in training that you can't let it get to you, that you would've done everything in your power to try to save the person, but I've never been able to let that feeling wash away."

"That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself."

"I'm sure your job isn't much different."

"I'm not saving lives, Theo."

"Of course you are. Sometimes, someone's mental health is just as important as their physical health."

"I...I guess so..." No one in my life had ever really complimented my job choice. My parents considered it a way to shirk responsibilities, and Will thought it was just part of a phase. But Theo's job took a whole lot more bravery than mine; he was wrong to try to compare them. "Yeah but you've got the pressure of making split second decisions to save someone. Besides, I don't think I could be an EMT. I don't think I could work in any kind of medical field. I've always had this irrational fear of doctors and hospitals and all that stuff."

"Oh, are you five years old?" He was smirking, trying to keep the mood light. I could feel my guard slipping inch by inch.

"Very funny."

"Is there a reason why? There's got to be something specific that freaks you out about it."

"I told you, it's an irrational fear. There's not really substance to it; I just don't like all of the medical stuff."

"But if you had to give me a reason, what would it be?"

I didn't answer for a moment, but rather walked along in silence collecting my thoughts. "Maybe it's the idea that you can enter a hospital and never leave it. I'm very careful, all the time, to make sure I don't give myself a reason to need a hospital or emergency room, or anything like that."

"Never broken a bone?"

I shook my head.

"Never been in a car accident?"

Again, I shook my head.

"Surgery?"

"Wisdom teeth when I was sixteen."

He laughed. "That doesn't count, Jules."

"Worth a shot."

He shook his head at me, light laughter still coming from his chest. But while he was laughing, my mind went back to those scars I saw along his rib cage; I wanted to ask him about them, but it felt too private, too personal. I didn't even know if he knew I'd noticed them.

"Do you ever have to help your clients concur fears?"

"I know where this is going, and it's different."

"But, can't you just use whatever tactics you give them?"

"No. It's just not the same. It's hard to explain." With that, he at least dropped the subject for the time being as a new darkness crept into the park as the sun fully set.

Theo and I were at the edge of the park, so close that we could see the street and hear the bustle of cars on it.

He stopped walking and turned to face me. "Do you want to grab a bite to eat, or coffee, or a drink?"

Maybe he wasn't going to proposition going back to his house again. But with that in mind, I didn't know what to say. Getting food was definitely more serious than coffee or a drink, right? "Coffee or a drink is fine. Whichever. Or if you're hungry, we can get food."

"Are you hungry?"

"Not particularly."

"Then we won't get food. Simple as that. Coffee or a drink?"

"It doesn't matter. You pick. I hate making decisions." Why? Because I've so rarely been allowed to make any.

His hand went to the back of his neck. "Oh, um, sure. Let's just grab coffee, yeah? There's a great cafe a few blocks down the street. Might even be hosting another open mic."

"Yeah. Okay. That would be nice."

We walked on in a new wake of awkwardness. I wasn't used to being given a choice, even in the simplest of things. Regardless, whenever the backs of our hands brushed against each other as we walked along, I felt a little jump in my heart. Each time, I secretly wanted him to grab my hand. It was an unspoken desire in my heart, one I'd never actually throw out into the universe.

As we waited for a light to change so we could cross the street, Theo turned to me. "Were you a counselor in Georgia, too?"

I had to stifle a laugh. "No."

He furrowed his brows, but the light changed, and I motioned for us to start crossing. When we got to the other side, he asked, "What were you?"

"A wife." I could actually feel my face redden. That was supposed to be in my head. That wasn't supposed to come out of my mouth.

Theo stopped in his tracks, but all I could think of was that it was for the best. There'd be nothing left to whatever fantasy I was playing with in my mind of the two of us after he learned I was divorced at twenty-six. He didn't seem like the kind of man who'd want to deal with that baggage; I was better off alone.

He was careful with his word choice. "And here, in Boston, you're not?"

I held up my left hand, the tan line I'd gained from the gaudy rings my parents picked out was almost nonexistent.

"Shit. I'm sorry it didn't work out."

If only he knew the details. "Yeah." I gave up no other information. I didn't want to lie to him, nor did I want to explain anything. After that, I was expecting him to tell me it'd be better for us to part ways.

But Theo resumed his path to the cafe. "When I woke up the morning after we met, and you weren't there, I figured it was because you were seeing someone else and I was just a random hook up."

I had no idea how to respond to that, and I was getting more and more uncomfortable by the second. I had to consciously force my lips out of a grin. Those vultures were within sight.

"Why did you leave before I got up?"

Well now, that was forward. I stumbled out a response. "I...I wouldn't normally stay over anyways."

"Bullshit."

My head snapped to the side.

He laughed, though not in a way that made me feel like he was laughing at me. "I know that was the first time you've ever gone home with someone. You're not the kind of girl who just finds someone to sleep with and leaves when finished."

How does he know that? I could be that girl, maybe I would be that girl when I finally took complete control of my life. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm paying you a compliment, Jules. You don't seem like the kind of woman who just walks into a bar looking to get laid. You have more respect for yourself than that."

"Are you some kind of expert in what kind of girls you can get to go home with you?"

"I don't...I'm not one of those guys that goes around looking to score."

"So that was your first one night stand, too?" I already knew the answer. I also knew I wasn't exactly being fair to him; in all honesty, that night I kind of was the girl going to a bar looking to get laid.

"Do you want me to lie to you? I don't know what you want me to say, but you're not the first girl I've brought home with me."

"Okay, good, I'm glad we settled that."

Our time together took a strange turn; we were both getting agitated, I could feel it, but we kept walking alongside each other like everything was peachy.

"Jules, I thought we had a good conversation, and I was attracted to you, and maybe I'm just a conceited prick but I thought you may have felt the same way."

"I'm sorry, but I don't buy that I was anything more to you than a good night. Guys like you don't choose girls like me to actually build something with. There's no getting around that."

"Why do you say that?"

I gestured down to his arm. "You're in a rock band, you clearly have no problem bringing women home, you have a sleeve of tattoos—"

"You also have a tattoo."

"That's different, mine—"

"Is in the same spot as mine."

"Your entire forearm is covered in ink. Mine is simple. It took less than thirty minutes."

"And I don't just bring women home. That's not who I am."

He ran his hands through his hair, a physical gesture to accompany his frustration, and stopped walking. He turned on his heel to face me so abruptly that I smacked into him, and his hands caught hold of my shoulders to steady me. "Why are you being so difficult? I'm just trying to get to know you."

"I'm not...being...I didn't mean..." His eyes were locked on mine, and I felt myself being pulled back in. That Siren Song was playing in my head again; his eyes were too much like the undercurrent of the sea for me to pull myself back.

We moved into each other simultaneously, him slightly dipping his head, me slightly raising mine to meet in the middle. The moment his lips set on mine, his touch had the same electrifying effect on me that it did the first time, making everything feel new again. While my hands came to rest on his hips, his moved up from my shoulders to either side of my head so that his thumbs rested against my ears and his fingertips met at the back of my neck.

The entire time his lips were on mine, all I wanted was to stay in that moment. I wanted to forget everything in my life that had happened prior to meeting him and just keep moving forward. No more Savannah, no more overbearing parents, no more Will Buchanan. But that would never be possible.

I pulled back from Theo, his hands still making contact with my skin. "I'm sorry, Theo. This won't work. It can't." With each word, I pulled farther away from him, increasing our distance inch by inch.

"Jules, wait—"

"I'm sorry. I, I shouldn't have kissed you again." I turned from him and kept walking, tears clouding my eyes. I heard him say my name one more time before I turned a corner without looking back.

***

I didn't really sleep that night when I got home from my second encounter with Theo. As soon as I got back, I flopped onto my bed and willed myself to fall asleep. When that didn't work, I pulled out my phone, the same thing any other millennial would do.

There were two new texts from Nora. One she sent right after she left the park: "Wow he's hot in person." The other she sent about an hour later: "Ok, he was hot, but I do want to know that he isn't some psychopath and that you're ok so just give me some kind of signal."

I sighed and responded to her: "Back on campus. I'll fill you in tomorrow."

Then there was a text from Will: "Will you be here for Labor Day Weekend?"

That response was easy: "No."

But then, as I laid there, I started thinking that maybe I should go back. I never should have gone home with Theo; it only complicated things and gave me some weird sense of feelings for him that I didn't even know was possible and I just screwed it all up. A big part of me wished I had met him before I met Will. Things could've been different.

Then I started crying. They were the fully formed tears that had started in my eyes when I backed away from Theo and sucked back in before anyone could see them. For so long I'd followed the directions that others gave me; for so long, I'd done whatever would make someone else happy. And then, when I was given the opportunity to make myself happy, I squandered it. That's where those tears came from; in my head, I was able to see the potential in Theo, regardless of the judgements I'd made of him. But I couldn't bring myself to accept him, and that was ultimately what I was hung up on.

When I told Theo it couldn't work between us, I felt more remorse than the day I filed for divorce.

***

For the next couple of weeks, I forced myself into the routine of working; ignoring my problems is one of my best skills. I started building relationships with my newest clients by getting to know them and reaching out to their old therapists if they had any. I revamped my office, read up on some new counseling strategies, and spent far too much time worrying about one of my former clients.

The Monday after my debacle with Theo, which was just one week into the new semester, I received an email from my boss about one of my clients from the previous year. The email simply said to swing by his office at some point during the day to discuss her, but being the apocalyptic thinker that I was, I immediately assumed something had happened and rushed to see him.

"Is everything okay with Katie Cassidy?"

"This is why we hired you. Close the door and come have a seat."

I stepped into his office and sat in a chair before his desk. "What's going on, Dr. Benning?"

"Jules, it's been a year now. Please call me Andy."

I gave him an apologetic smile.

"Katie hasn't come back to school yet. A few weeks ago, her parents found a bottle of OTC sleeping pills in her room. She hadn't taken them, but they were concerned that the intent was there."

"Why wasn't I told about this?"

"I know you care about her, but when she's off campus, she's not your client any more."

I didn't say anything. I felt like I should have been told about it, but I wasn't going to argue with my boss the first week into a new year.

"Katie started seeing a really good psychologist when she left us last spring."

"Per my recommendation. Her previous one wasn't fit to counsel a gnat."

"Yes, yes, we are on the same page about that. It seems as though Katie mentioned you frequently to her new psychologist, and when the connection was made that you were a freshman counselor and Katie would need to start seeing someone else here, she had a bit of a meltdown, thus why she isn't here on campus yet."

"I'll keep her on my caseload. So long as the school doesn't have a problem with it, I'm fine with that. The girl has had enough troubles, I don't mind keeping her on."

"I didn't think you would. I already wrote an appeal to Sherrie to get her to understand the situation. You know she can be a bit of a stickler for the rules being that she runs all of the counseling departments, but she agreed that Katie can keep coming to see you so long as she checks in with our licensed psychologist every week as well."

I breathed a sigh of relief. This would be good for her; a shit load of work for me, but good for Katie. "Great. Thank you, Andy."

"It's in her best interest. She's arriving in the morning, so I'm going to pencil her in to speak with you tomorrow evening to catch you up on things. I was told she was in high spirits when she learned she could continue working with you. Her parents were very pleased as well."

Andy smiled at me, and I returned one to him. Katie was a lot of work; she was a source of constant stress and anxiety in my life last year, but if I could take some of that burden off her, I was fine with it. Maybe now that she had a competent psychologist at home she would be handling things better at school, too.

If nothing else, everything I would deal with concerning Katie would keep my mind far away from my parents, Will, and even Theo.

***

The next day, I patiently awaited for Katie's arrival to my office. I was hoping it was a good day for her. Sometimes, she could come in like a ray of sunshine. Other times, she could have a storm brewing within her mind. I prayed we'd have sunny skies this year. So long as we could keep her stress levels down, she would be okay.

While waiting, I started scrolling through my emails, but then, I heard the door to my office push along the carpeted flooring.

I almost did a double take of her. From the last time I'd seen her, she'd dyed her blonde hair a dark, rich brunette. I stood from my desk and walked around to meet her. She put her arms around me in a tight hug.

"Hi Jules! I missed you so much over the summer. Do you think they'll change the communication policies? It was too long to go without venting to you. Besides, no one gives advice like you do."

"Nice to see you too, Katie." She smiled at me. "Why don't you take a seat and we'll catch up?"

She sat on the couch in my office, and I pulled up one of the armchairs.

"I see you've changed your hair."

"Yep. Do you like it? Jeremy likes it a lot, even more than when it was blonde."

Information overload.

"I do. Who's Jeremy?"

"Jeremy's my boyfriend. He's a junior here. I met him during the last week of school last year and then we were texting and we realized we only live thirty minutes from each other so we hang out all the time. Isn't that great?"

"Yes, that's really good. And you like your hair this way?"

She picked up the ends of it in her fingers and pulled it in front of her face. After a few seconds, she said, "Yep. It suits me, right?"

I smiled at her and nodded. "I'm happy you're in such a positive mood today."

"I'm just glad they decided to let me keep coming to you. You helped so much last year and I lost it when they told me I'd have to start talking to one of the upperclassmen counselors. I was so angry and upset. I'm not talking to anyone else, Jules, only you."

I got up from my chair and sat next to her on the sofa.

"Katie, I've always been straight with you, and you've done the same. Dr. Benning told me your parents found a bottle of sleeping pills in your room. What's that about?"

She rolled her eyes. "I told them I wasn't going to do anything with those. I was complaining to Jeremy one day about how I was having trouble sleeping and he gave me them. He said it's what he uses when he can't sleep. I didn't mean any harm by it."

Red flag, but I didn't want to push her too hard her first day back. I'd make a note of it later.

"Okay, but you need to understand that us working together is conditional on you also talking to Dr. Mellnor, one of the psychologists in our office."

"But—"

"No buts. I'm just a counselor, Katie, not a licensed psychologist. If you want to continue working together, you'll have to work with her as well."

She rolled her eyes again. "Fine. But I'm still coming to you first."

"You've got it. You don't need to commit now, but I want you to find a day and time that you can come in each week to chat. Okay?"

"Okay, Jules. Thank you, for like, everything." She smiled at me and reached over for another hug.

I watched her get up and leave my office, and when my door fell shut again, I put my head in my hands to stop it from spinning.

Katie was prone to these extreme mood swings that stemmed from her bouts of depression and anxiety. Her highs were up somewhere in the far reaches of the atmosphere; her lows rocketed to the ocean floor. I never knew which Katie I were going to get when she walked into my office.

I made some notes in her file regarding our interactions that day, and I put a star next to her boyfriend's name. I wasn't yet sure if he was going to be a positive influence or a hindrance on her progress to a more balanced level of emotional stability. I could only hope he wouldn't diminish our progress.

A/N: Hi!

I guess I'm not meant to give you a chapter under 4,000 words lol. I just get to writing and then I'm like "oh, look at that, I've doubled my 2,000 word limit." I hope you don't mind ❤️

Please vote and comment and chat with me! I loved reading your predictions on the last chapter, and I also loved seeing who you picture as Jules and Theo!

Have a lovely weekend ❤️ I expect to see you on Tuesday with another Theo chapter 😉

-L