I sat leaning against a tree, contemplating my horrible life. Sure, the decision Constance had given me should be easy. I should pick Kaz. My parents had abandoned me, after all.

But they were still my parents.

If I chose Kaz, then I never had a chance of fixing things with my parents. If I chose my parents, then I had a chance. Maybe they'd even be proud that I'd picked them over a boy. Maybe I'd earn some of their acceptance back.

I could remember the way my mom used to hug me every day before I left for school. I'd bitched and moaned back then about how annoying it was, but now I'd give anything for another hug from her. I was desperate to have my family back the way it had always been. I'd ruined us.

I buried my face in my hands, feeling my emotions rush up on me. I didn't mean to break my family. I didn't mean to hurt my parents. I didn't mean for any of this to happen.

They were disappointed in me. They were heart-broken by me. By who I was.

I could hide my sexuality again and win my family back. I could pretend to be straight if it meant I got their love back.

I just couldn't keep going on without my mom and dad.

I hugged my knees to my chest and rocked myself, squeezing my eyes shut. I felt a tear leak down my cheek and I hid my face against my knees.

I missed my family. I missed my family. I missed my family.

"Killian?"

I picked my head up and wiped at my eyes hastily. Beckett watched me as he played with his yo-yo.

"Why are you hiding out here?" he asked.

"Because I'm trying to cry and have a mental breakdown in peace!" I said.

"Get up. We're going back to the dorm," he said.

I wiped my eyes one last time before getting up. I walked over to Beckett, not wanting to be alone but not wanting to be surrounded by people, either. Beckett wasn't someone who would baby me, though, and maybe I needed that right now.

We walked in silence for a little. Beckett was in his uniform, his backpack lazily hanging off of his shoulders. He kept playing with his yo-yo as he walked.

"Why aren't you with the others?" I asked.

Beckett shrugged. "I had to go to the library to finish a project. Why were you crying?"

I glared at him. "Listen here kid, big girls don't cry but emotionally distraught Killians do."

"What do you have to cry over?" he asked, and I could hear the bitter tone to his voice. "You have Kaz watching your ass- and I say that with double meaning."

"Okay, well, that's the problem. I got sent to Constance because of the ways he watches my ass," I said. "What, do you have a crush on him?"

Beckett glared at me. "I like girls. What did Constance say?"

"I have to choose between Kaz and my family," I mumbled, dropping my gaze.

"Choose Kaz," Beckett said. "Your family put you here. You can't choose the family you get stuck with. But if you choose to keep sticking with them, you have no one to blame but yourself when they keep hurting you. Kaz makes mistakes, but he doesn't hurt his friends if he can help it."

"It's not that easy," I said.

"Yes, it is," Beckett said, stopping and putting his hand on my chest to shove me back a little. "My parents put an insane amount of pressure on me because I was their talented, genius son. When I finally snapped, they dumped me in with the Maroons, and they knew the methods used here. They wanted me to fit the image they carved out, and when I didn't fit it, they abandoned me here to get fixed. Isn't that what happened to you? Kaz took me in and helped me come to terms with everything. He did the same for you. How could you ever think of picking your family over him? There will always be something about you they won't like. You can't give up everything you love just to please them. If you do, what's left for you?"

"I'm getting words of wisdom from a 5th grader," I groaned.

"I'm in the 6th grade," he grumbled. "And I'm smart. I was always smart growing up. My parents hired me private tutors and made me take advanced classes. But I also had to live with them and try to please them. I wasn't happy. I'm happier now with Kaz and everyone than I ever was with my family."

We reached the dorm building and went inside. I stayed quiet as we walked up the stairs and over to Kaz's room.

I peeked inside. Kaz was sitting at his desk, shaking his leg anxiously and trying to hide it. Pete was lying on his bed with his eyes closed. Mikayla sat at Pete's desk, sharing the seat with Leo. Leo still looked upset about whatever had happened, and Mikayla was mumbling something into his ear.

Beckett shoved me into the room and Kaz's head snapped up. He stopped shaking his leg and clung to his composure.

"O'Malley," he said. "What did Constance say?"

"I need to talk to you," I said, not wanting to do this in front of everyone.

Kaz got up and led me out of the room. We left the building and started down our usual path.

"I have to make a decision," I said slowly, not sure how to break this to Kaz. Great, the one time I actually want to blurt something out and my mouth doesn't want to cooperate.

"And that would be...?" He waited patiently.

"He's going to call my parents tomorrow." I forced the words out. "What he tells them depends on whether or not I break up with you."

I stopped walking and felt tears burning in my eyes again. "It's not fair. It's not. I just want my family back. I don't understand why I can't have you and my family. I don't want to choose."

Kaz came over to me and I threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face against his shoulder. He held me tightly, staying silent, letting me cry out my stress and frustration.

It's not like Kaz and I had been dating for 30 years. It had been a damn day. But the way he'd come into my life and gotten so close to me is what made this choice so hard.

Kaz treated me better than anyone ever had. He had gone out of his way to protect me since we'd first met. He'd trusted me and opened up to me. He'd accepted me when my parents hadn't.

But my parents were my parents. They'd loving raised me right up until they caught me hooking up with Tanner. I couldn't just forget 17 years of endless love all because they'd taken it away. It had been there. Maybe it could be there again if I just acted the way they wanted me to.

I pulled away from Kaz after a few minutes, wiping my eyes. "Sorry."

"Don't be." He led me off the path and we sat against a tree together.

"I don't know what to choose," I whispered.

"I won't hold it against you if you don't choose me," he said, picking a leaf up off the ground and tearing at pieces of it. "My family is important to me. I'd choose them every time."

"But yours didn't abandon you," I said.

He shrugged. "Even if they had. They're still my family. I wouldn't be able to put aside all the good they'd done for me just because of something bad."

I looked at Kaz. He didn't look angry or upset. He just looked tired.

I swallowed hard. He'd been used by his last boyfriend and his current boyfriend was about to pick shitty parents over him. The look on his face said he accepted both situations, though.

When I first met Kaz, I'd filed him away as just a thief. A mean, lying, selfish thief.

But now, looking at him, I realized I'd never met a kinder person in my life. He'd do anything for the people he loved. He learned the individual ways people liked to be comforted. He learned the little things we liked or didn't like. He knew how to talk to each of us individually.

Even now, he was sitting in a way that invited me to lean on him for comfort if I needed it, but didn't force himself at me. He wasn't sure exactly what I needed right now, so he was letting me decide and offering what he could.

"God, you fucking cinnamon roll," I said, grabbing him and pulling him in to kiss him.

I wanted to kiss him senseless. I wanted him to know that he didn't deserve any of this. That this wasn't his fault. That it wasn't right.

Kaz kissed me back, letting determine how heavy this make out session was going to get. How ironic. Making out with a boy is what got me into this fucked up situation in the first place. Way to learn your lesson, Killian.

Kaz held me as we kissed, and I cursed this whole situation. Kaz didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve this.

'What do I pick," I said, pulling away from his lips.

"Whatever will make you happy," he said, running his hand through my hair. "I mean it, Malley. I won't be upset if you pick your family over me. You have to do what's right for you."

I stood up. "I need to be alone for a little."

"You know where to find me if you need me." He pulled his phone out and rested against the tree. "I'll be back to my room in a little. It's a nice day out."

I walked away from him, hiding myself behind a cluster of trees. I wanted to know if Kaz would break down like my pathetic ass did.

I peeked around the tree, watching as Kaz typed on his phone. He held it up to his ear, looking around to make sure he was alone.

"Mom?" he said after a few seconds. "No, everything is okay. I just wanted to see how your day was. Yea, that's good. Mom? I love you." His expression softened. "I just wanted to say it. Everything is fine, really." He closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair.

I hurried away as quietly as I could. God, what the hell was I doing to Kaz?

I went back to the dorm building and down to my room. Mikayla and Leo were in there, sitting on Leo's bed together. They were watching a movie on TV together, sharing a blanket and eating chips.

"You okay, Killian?" Leo asked.

I nodded. "Yea. I'm okay." What a big lie. "Mikayla, can I talk to you alone for a minute?"

She seemed surprised and suspicious, but nodded. She nudged Leo until he got the hint and jumped off his bed, leaving the room and shutting the door.

"What did Constance do to him?" I asked, sitting on my desk.

She sat up. "Leo has trouble with his family. They want him to be like his sister. His sister behaves and gets good grades and doesn't cause them any trouble. Leo's always caused them trouble. Constance used that against him." She eyed me carefully. "What did he use against you?"

"My family," I said, looking away from her. "He's making me choose between them and Kaz."

I don't know why I had gone to Mikayla for advice about this. Pete would be too drugged to give any advice, Beckett was aggressive, and Leo was trying to get over his own session with Constance.

"I'm just going to be another boy that hurt Kaz," I said miserably. "But my family..."

"I don't know your family. But I can tell you that when my brother tried to kill my mom, everyone kept telling me I should be grateful she survived the attack. They told me I should go visit her in the hospital. They shamed me when I didn't. But she'd put me and Drake through hell our whole lives. It's okay not to forgive people, Killian. You have to come to terms what with they did to you, but that doesn't mean you have to forgive them for it." She reached up and twirled her braid around her finger. "I used to be mad at my dad for leaving us with my mom. But then I found out how hard he'd been fighting to get us back. I love him. If Constance made me pick between my dad and Leo, I'd be in the same state you are."

"I just want things to go back to normal," I said quietly. "I don't belong here. If I pick them over Kaz, maybe they'll bring me home and things can go back to normal."

"And what if they don't?" She shot me a glare. "What if you go home and things don't change? You're gay, Killian. That's never going to change. You can hide it and pretend to like girls, but you'll always catch yourself looking at men. Do you really want to force that part of you in hiding? Maybe it won't mean much now, but what happens when you're older and you fall in love and you want to get married? Your parents need to learn to deal with this now."

I knew she was right. God, I knew she was right. But I couldn't stop seeing my parents' disappointed expressions in my mind as they broke the news to me that I'd be going to Constance Academy.

"Don't hurt Kaz," she warned before jumping off the bed and moving towards the door. "No one can make this choice for you, Killian. But no matter what you pick, just be good to Kaz. He's been through more than you know."

She opened the door and motioned Leo back in. They climbed onto his bed and got under the blanket together, starting up their movie again.

"You sure you're okay?" Leo asked me.

"Positive," I said, climbing onto my bed and lying down. I pulled the covers over myself and they turned down the volume of their movie.

I closed my eyes, wondering why the hell this had to happen to me. Man, I had the shittiest luck.

I drifted in and out of sleep for a while. I heard the door open after a while and buried my face deeper into my pillow.

"I think he's asleep, Kaz," Leo said, keeping his voice down.

"Don't shit talk me," I mumbled, picking my head up. "I'm partially awake."

"Damn," Kaz said. "I was really hoping to shit talk you, O'Malley."

"It's getting late. I'm going back to my room," Mikayla said, getting up and jumping off the bed. "Leo, come with me. I need help with my essay before I go to bed."

Oh no bitch don't you dare leave me alone with my problems.

But Leo followed Mikayla out of the room. Kaz shut the door and came over to my bed, leaning against it.

"Still feeling like shit?" he guessed.

"I like to sleep away my problems rather than deal with them," I said. I hesitated before sighing. "Come on." I pat my mattress and moved over.

Kaz kicked his shoes off and climbed into my bed. I folded my body against his and he put his arms around me.

Wow, leave it to me to get a guy in my bed and have an emotional crisis instead of sex.

"Be honest with me," I mumbled. "How bad did it hurt when you found out Aaron was just using you?"

"Pretty bad," he said quietly. "I kind of guessed. But I guess...I don't know, I thought he'd really gotten feelings for me. It shouldn't have hurt. Aaron was a bastard. He was manic. But we had moments where I really thought..." He shook his head. "I picked myself right back up. I always do."

"That doesn't make you forget the past," I said. "It's still bothering you. And it'll bother you if I choose my family."

"No." His voice surprised me with how fierce it was. "Malley, this isn't about me. This about what's right for you. If your family is important to you, then I will never, never hold it against you for choosing them. We can still be friends. I'm fine with that, as long as you're happy with your decision."

I turned my head and kissed his collarbone, since that was the closest part of his body to me. He pressed his face against my hair.

"Wait, wait, wait. I know this is supposed to be serious, but..." I kissed his collarbone again and felt the slight tense of his body. "Oh my god, you little freak. That's a sensitive spot for you."

He picked his head up and glared at me. "Yes, it is, so quit kissing it unless you want to make me take a cold shower this late at night."

"Why would you need a shower when I have perfectly functioning hands?" I said.

"I am not doing anything sexual with you while you're upset!" he said sternly. "You'd regret it."

"Kaz, buddy, look at me. Do I look like the type of guy who has ever regretted having a dick in his hands?" I said.

"You are so desperate to get laid," he said, shaking his head.

"Something tells me you've gone longer than I have since anything other than your hand pleasured you."

"It hasn't been that long. And the nice thing about dating someone as insane is Aaron is that he's very enthusiastic about what he does."

"Jesus fucking Christ, Kaz."

"Someone was getting fucked but it wasn't Christ."

I hit him and he laughed. God, if I could preserve one sound for the rest of history it would be Kaz's laughter.

Me @ me: find ur chill pls

Kaz's laughter slowly died down and we laid together in silence. I didn't want to give this up. I didn't want to give up someone who laughed freely and loved openly. I liked lying here and joking around with Kaz.

But I also didn't want to give up my family. A family that been so loving and supportive until they discovered a part of me that they had been taught to hate.

Kaz began to play with my hair, which was dangerous because I was a literal puppy and would fall asleep if you pet my hair. I closed my eyes and buried my head against his shirt.

Family. Kaz. Thanks to one, I couldn't have both.

As Kaz played with my hair, I silently made my decision. I wouldn't think too much on it now, though. Tomorrow I'd break the news. Tonight, I just enjoyed lying with Kaz, knowing everything would be different by tomorrow.