💙

|Lucky she feels, 'midst the sorrow's hue, lost in love, forever true. In grief's niche, she finds reprieve, cus' in his tender arms, she'll never grieve.|

by medicallymessedup

•present•

The altar of my uncanny life was similar to the caricature of the sinking titanic which was struck by an iceberg called doom that no matter what was dead set on wreaking havoc everywhere I go.

Why can't I be happy, just for once?

The minute I begin to feel that things around me are getting better, these anomalous undercurrents reappear again threatening to bring down whatever little progress I made.

Why can't I be happy alone with the people who care for me?

Why are they all being dragged under the wrath of my cursed karma?

There were so many questions taking up the space in my head but not a single answer to squash the clamors undulating the keel of my confidence. The pendulum of my admonition was swinging back and forth between being nullified or bona fide and I was so close to falling apart.

The menace of my past was obnoxious enough to flood back like a tsunami to besiege my present.

The knot of foreboding kept on tightening further in my stomach as I redialled the unanswered number on my screen once more. I made three consecutive attempts yet each one of them went unsuccessful.

An urgent surge of desperation swamped through me with an indigenous necessity compelling me to reach my best friend, to hear her voice once and ensure her safety. The possibility of her being in trouble or remotely linked to any of these things sent shivers rippling down my spine and I was standing on the verge of bolting through the locked washroom doors when the ringing on her number abruptly ceased and so did my skittery strides.

In a split second, like a bolt of lightning piercing through somber skies, my best friend's voice breached the stew clutching my mind.

"Hello there, baby girl!" Her voice boomed through the receiver, startling me with its laid-back tone which hit me like another blow. Her gaiety was strongly contrasting with the turmoil swirling within me. "Five missed calls in fifteen minutes!? Wow baby, you're really keen on hearing my voice! Missing me like crazy, huh?"

Her every syllable only heightened the proclivity gnawing at my core.

"Where are you?" I interrupted her, the words tumbling from my mouth before I could even register her greeting. The dread in my voice betrayed the fear closing in, prepared to swallow me whole.

"Why? You wanna tag along?" Her light-hearted humor missed the mark, the thrust of the situation dampening any hint of amusement from my side.

"Stop dodging the question, Samiksha!" I snapped, my impatience showing. "Just give me a straight answer. Where the hell are you now?"

"Calm down, simba!" Her laughter felt like sandpaper against wood, emphasizing the gaping disparity in our current states of mind. "I'm lazing around at home. Where else would I be at this hour?"

"Can I trust that you're not making this up?" A pall of doubt descended over my words as I probed further, unwilling to ease my apprehension until I was reassured of her well-being.

"Do you want me to video call you and give you a tour of my surroundings, baby?" Her response was challenging, saturated with sarcasm that only intensified my nerves. "Because I don't think you'll believe me just like that."

The words cut a bit, but I had to show faith in her since I couldn't be there to counter my doubts.

"Understood. You're home." I muttered, experiencing both gratitude and relief washing over me in equal measure. "Thank God, you are home, Sammy!" The words were a unheard prayer to the preserver, a plea to keep her safe from the unsettling scenarios my mind was envisioning.

"Great! Now, are we still gossiping like we are supposed to or are you still in your detective mommy mode?"

Though her indifference bothered me to a great extent, I decided to withhold my reaction for now. "I will talk to you later!" My words turned out clipped as I abruptly concluded the call with my trembling hand.

Sammy is safe, Ruchi!

She or her car was not the ones those people were talking about.

She had nothing to do with it.

'But the man you love unquestionably had a part in it.' The cruel reminder churned my insides with fresh torment.

I leaned against the sturdy countertop, my palms slick with sweat as I fought hard to steady myself against the onslaught of nausea. Time seemed to stretch endlessly as each wave of cold sweat swept over me, growing more potent and perilous with every passing moment. I tightly pressed my lips, resolutely refusing to yield to the tumultuous maelstrom engulfing me.

This wasn't meant to happen right now, please! I can't handle this!

I just can't!

Please, not now!

It's necessary for me to cling onto reality by resisting the dangerous pull of the bottomless pit of eternal darkness.

Oh God! Just this once, I beg of you!

Stop it, please!

I extended my hand toward the faucet with shaky fingers, the noise of running water striving to muffle the jarring noise of my whirling thoughts. I splashed my face with cold water, the sharp coldness briefly jostling me out of my quiet reverie, yet the transient relief was soon replaced by the lingering shroud of mishap.

Aryan!

Stupid, stupid, Aryan!

Why did he have to rope into all this shoddy trouble?

The deceptive calm was slowly settling upon me when the constant tapping on the restroom door forcefully yanked me back into the never-ending reality.

How long have I been here since I ran away after overhearing their conversation?

"Ruchi, are you okay, dear?" Maa's keen voice permeated the barrier of the opaque door as her concern pulled me back from the depths of my vagary.

I seriously need to quit being so ingrained.

My in-laws were already distraught since that daredevil son of theirs asked us out in order to dictate his deeds before the officers who might've had some plausible evidence with them to prove their claims and even in such a grave predicament insolent me was making them foster myself instead of lending them the much needed moral support as a family.

Why was I always so bloody miserable?

Why does a huge part of me wish I wasn't me and someone else?

My convictions gutted me as I swallowed hard, pushing back the lump of dread lodged in my throat. I turned off the tap and, drawing in a deep breath, steeled myself to confront the unavoidable.

I was met with my mother-in-law's distressed face when I unlocked the latch to watch her eyes and words convey for every unspoken fear she had about my condition. "I hope you are fine, bacha."

I wanted to be stronger, more reliable and someone worthy of the affection this family was bestowing me with because not an ounce of me deserved their indulgent concern at present.

Heck! I wasn't supposed to make it all about myself.

"Ruchi, Aryan will be fine." She mollified me, "Soham along with Rustom BhaiJi have gone in there to sort things out for him. Don't worry, my dear."

The silence from my end was deafening not just for her but also for my capability to think straight when I somehow summoned the courage to voice the question that had been preying on my mind.

"Are they still here, Maa?" I weakly inquired, belying the fear clouding my mind.

"They have left."

I was bleakly hoping that Maa would be the only one answering my cavil, but my husband, like every other time, thought it was smart enough to butt into the conversations that he should stay clear from, in his full-blown glory, as he neared both of us.

My stolid perception asked me to shut him out completely but just like Aryan's rebellious guts my torrid eyes too were desperate to see him to my crumpling heart's content.

"They left!" Maa exclaimed palatably. The weariness finally wore off her features as she saw her son out of the treacherous sphere of contention.

"They had to leave anyhow, Mom." He assured her gently, "They had nothing with them to prove their claims or any involvement from our side."

But even though they had nothing to prove, you voluntarily offered them every reason to come after you.

"What made them think it's you behind this, Aryan? Do you know that man-" She raised her doubts to him but his obstinate self still wasn't ready to share anything.

"He is not worth our time or even a discussion, Mom." He put forth, "Let's just forget that this ever happened."

I was utterly abstracted when off-the-cuff Aryan's heady gaze pinned me on the spot as if he was familiar with every ringing question going on in my head. His crystal eyes turned me incorrigibly conscious of every little emotion crossing my face along with the fear of a harshly stinging confrontation that might follow even if we exchanged a single word right now.

"Maa, I think I should be going back." I interrupted whatever singular attention was falling my way from him by solely addressing Maa.

"Why so suddenly, dear?" Maa was evidently flummoxed as she glanced back and forth between me and her son.

"I am slightly exhausted, Maa." I excused, abjectly surmising that she won't stop me. "But I promise I'll make it up to you."

"That's fine dear, but-"

"Please, Maa." I muttered achingly and maybe she sensed the silent gaffe going on between me and Aryan, hence she complied with my request.

"Take care of yourself." I reciprocated the warm hug she gave me, "Also, try not to overthink, okay!"

"I'll get going then-"

"I'm coming with you." Aryan reminded me as if I did say no and he'd agree to leaving me.

"You better not drive recklessly, boy." Dad commanded him too as he along with Maa walked us out to the porch, "I shouldn't get to hear about any trouble that you cause to Ruchi due to your F1 driving skills."

He has already done enough to blow off my mind for now, Dad.

The valet soon fetched the car for us and I stopped the attendant from holding the door open for me when that stubborn husband of mine took the matter in his own hands as he stepped up to help me settle inside the car even though he clearly knew that I was adamantly avoiding him.

This stupid was really bent upon getting on my nerves tonight, I swear.

Mom and Dad waved us final goodbyes as he wheeled the car out of the estate.

Each passing tree along the racing moon taking over the sky turned out to be my kind companions during the looming silence sitting heavily between us.

He hopefully tried to tone down the tension persisting in the car by playing some music but I didn't dare to turn my head away from the window even for once.

I knew him. I knew those worried glances he directed my way too well but I had no honest idea about how I would end up reacting after everything.

In the past, I have always chosen silence and retreated to staying timid as things took a u-turn against my contradicting perspective.

I had lived and functioned that degrading manner for more than a decade but as of now I wasn't that inferior, docile puppet anymore. Things were changing for me.

I was bubbling with emotions that were spilling all over the surface just to burst out like a molten lava and the irony is I had never felt sentiments hitting me so strongly before this. I had for sure known about how to become a slimy lather but becoming a minefield was a ruled out theory that was coming true for me.

I was feeling the worry, the frustration and the melancholy all at once but each one of them was questionably bouncing back in the face of anger and not a part of me was used to feeling it.

I wasn't the same girl but every time I feel like I've nothing left to lose anymore this mastering tyrant beside me wilfully walks into the picture like he bloody owns my world which I think he does as he effortlessly continues to reign over me.

And..

I am afraid to lose in this battle of control.

I am afraid to lose the love in my life.

I am so fuckin' afraid to lose him over anything or anyone.

I find myself leaning into the plush fabric of my seat as the cool air softly continues to brush my weary self. Involuntarily, I sigh and my bleary eyes end up darting over Aryan's broken knuckles that shifted between the gear lever and the steering wheel. My constraint wavered and soon I don't know how but a beeline of traitorous tears began rolling down my cheeks.

You're the epitome of disaster, Ruchi!

I tried to squeeze my eyes shut to hamper the ceaseless tide of my magnifying guilt from breaking free when a fluttery caress of his fingers on my warm cheeks jolted me out of my sorrow as Aryan tenderly wiped away my falling tears.

"Baby-"

"Don't talk to me."

I cut him off when he abruptly grabbed my palm, making me wrestle to break free from his hulk hold.

"Listen to me, atleast!!"

"I don't want to hear anything from you." I censured tartly, "So stop bothering me and leave my hand, Mr. Mallik!"

"Do you want me to leave you to cry over that dog then?" He snapped angrily and so did my boiling fury, "Stop the car!"

"What are you-"

"I said stop the fuckin' car!" I demanded.

"We've not reached Gulmohar yet."

He prepensely reminded me but right now I was so done with his bullheadedness that I might've just ended up jumping out of the moving car or do even worse, like confront him and his alleged doings. But thankfully, he read my mind and slowed down the car before bringing it to a halt.

I unstrapped my seatbelt that very minute and so did Aryan who abandoned his car on the road itself to match my heedless strides towards the mansion which was a five minutes walk from where we started on foot. Once we were in Gulmohar, I rushed to get myself inside my room but even for that I was forced to face his highness who stood tall like a mighty bull in between me and the room's door.

"Not now, Aryan!" I admonished as he dodged my movements to get past him by easily using his muscular build. "I need to be left alone."

"I'm sorry, Baby, but this l-word does not exist in my vocabulary so I'd expect you to kindly cooperate and let me in before you reach any misleading conclusion." He conceded. "Also, I'll stop beating around the bush if that's what you actually want."

"Do you really care about what I want?" I couldn't help but heave, "Why do you even pretend to care about my opinion when you do everything that you deem fit." I implore, "Where the hell does my say go then, Aryan?"

"I care about you enough to know that whatever I did was right, Baby." He stressed indomitably.

"And who were you to decide?" I bridled lividly, "What did you earn by taking the law in your hands, huh? You jeopardized yourself for a petty revenge, Aryan. How can you not see the wrong in it?" I lastly bursted in indignation.

"I will do things a hundred times worse to anyone who would dare to hurt you, Mrs. Mallik." He callously promised, his fierce eyes thoroughly peeling away the concealed layers of my hollow existence. "I will never mourn over whatever shit I brought upon that swine." He blatantly apprised.

"You did whatever you wanted to do but did you think about your loved ones for once?" I carped to make him understand the severe aftermaths that might've followed if anything went awry. "Have you ever thought about what would have happened to your parents if the police had taken you away?"

"I am absolutely well and sound and standing in front of you. Look-"

"Stop being so nonchalant for once!"

"Baby-"

"No!" I clamored, "You will be the one hearing me out, Mr. Mallik!" My index finger wildly poked his chest with every word, "You've no goddamn right to put yourself in danger for my sake. You've no right to gamble your whole life just because of a nobody who didn't exist in your world until a few months ago." He had his sweltering gaze trained on me but neither he nor his glare fazed me.

I was far off from being intimidated by Aryan as he was the only one who gave me that invincible power over him.

"I don't care about the evils in my past but dare you Aryan Mallik to put me or yourself in that position ever again." I croaked, "I'll end up either killing the cause that's me or you to get over this suffering."

"Kill me and my ghost will haunt you forever, Mrs. Mallik."

"You think I am going to live if you die, stupid!" I grated challengingly, my fist hitting his chest like a blaze of bricks, "My unforgiving soul will tirelessly chase you between hell and heaven if the day ever comes."

I watched in bewilderment as the sneaky soufflé pulled me closer, sleekly pried open my coiled fists and tucked those small tendrils of unruly fringes behind my ears. "I always knew that you were a sadist, Baby." He notoriously quipped as I uncouthly pegged him with a pointed look.

"What's wrong?" I couldn't help but ask upon noticing his focus wavering elsewhere. I observed his brows creased in an acute frown along the inquisitive eyes that squinted at something over my face.

By his probing scrutiny, I am sure that it must be the traces of gulkand icecream I earlier stuffed my face with but how bad did I exactly look for him to appear so awfully snubbed by my appearance.

Just when I called out his name in order to grab his attention, he glided the rough pad of his thumb over the scar running down my neck, freezing me in the pursuit.

"What's this, Baby?" His voice trailed amorphously, "I've never seen it here before."

I parted my lips to respond but instead ended up gasping in air and distancing myself from the reach of Aryan's hand. His eyes went wide in concern when I painfully shook my head and whispered on a loop that it was nothing which was more deluding for me than him.

"Who did this to you?"

"I s-said it's nothing-g." My voice soared in prominence but my limbs staggered as I took the support of the wall behind to steady my footing, "That's just a b-birthmark."

"You're lying to me, Ruchi." He exacted.

"I am not lying!" I almost shouted at him being unable to clearly voice out the woes left behind in the guise of debris caused by the avalanche that relinquished my identity much more than just a visible imperfection.

And the worst part was that I don't even remember when or what happened with me upto this day yet every night when I go to bed there's a vindictive nightmare lying low just for me to relive the putrid memory that had smeared me for a lifetime.

I still hadn't fallen into terms with the blurring lines between my blanked out past and a phantom present. How can I feasibly let it all out to anyone else then? How can I expect my husband to accept my flaws when every breath that I took was to survive in the illusion of denial.

"Baby, tell me who did this. Please!" Aryan lifted his hand towards me but halted mid-way when I flinched back against his forthcoming touch. Crude tears fogged my vision as the dismay and confusion instigated by my involuntary action peppered on his face.

"Did this happen at the party?"

"When did it happen?"

"Fine!" The wave of anger swept over him at my unwillingness to answer, "I'll just kill that bastard Shahane first to know the truth."

He took a step to retreat and bring the warning in his words true when I briskly prevented him. "This didn't happen tonight." I forced myself to talk for the sake of his sanity because a part of me knows he can do exactly what he meant.

"When did this happen?"

My reeling breaths came out in shallow whimpers when he impossibly treaded me closer this time such that I was able to hear my palpitating heart chucked at war with his frenziedly vibrating chest.

"How did this happen?"

"I don't k-now-w!" I whispered, the three vague words slipping from my tongue as he demanded vyingly.

"Who did this to you?"

"I don't k-now, Aryan!" I chanted while helplessly clutching onto the lapel of his coat. "I don't even know who I am or who I become at times."

Perhaps, my entire existence was similar to a dirty linen that was supposed to remain under the covers and desolate from my own understanding.

"But I know one thing, Ruchi."

Aryan unthinkingly probed in my soul even though I tried to curtain my anguish from him. "The day I get to know the story behind this-" His agile finger skimmed over the grisly spot, "I am going to make the culprit bleed from the eyes."

The beautiful pair of his stormy eyes promised and leaned in further as my body shuddered like a leaf and lashes drooped shut when his lips dropped down and pressed feathery kisses that lingered along the curve of my neck.

Oh, Lord!

"A-arya-nn-!" I intolerably attempt to breathe through his undoing.

Was he planning to kill me?

"Moon, baby, you're my moon." He murmured breezily while I was just left to solemnly gasp in a forlorn prayer of his name as he imbued me with his earnest touches, "My moon that shines in the darkest of hours, my moon that grows even through a void, my moon that hails its own homage against the pits of a curse, my moon that's complete even through it's incomplete phases."

"St-op!" I whimpered banally. "This is ba-d, Arya-n. I kno-w, I know it too."

I can't even look at it myself without feeling sick. Then how can he-

"Baby.."

"No! Please, Aryan. I don't want you out of all people to pretend for the simple sake of it. Please!"

I can spend a lifetime and pretend to accept that a part of me was wrecked beyond repair but I don't want the man I love to pretend to the extent as to not call it ugly because it truly was.

He might be calling me his moon but even my God knows the reality that I was a tragedy-an unwanted and unloved midnight tragedy.

Lots of Love,

ANKITA