Okay. So before y'all start, please read in context with the warnings. This chapter is pure angst. So don't read it to have a good time.Take care of your emotional health. This chapter is small because it was meant to be that way.

WARNING: MENTIONS OF EXPLICIT RAPE

Doug pinned my hands on the sides of my mother's bed while I constantly begged for mercy for him to let me go. I knew I was screaming, that was for sure, but it seemed as if no one around me could hear me. Didn't they have any heart or soul that told them to stop, knowing all too well that I didn't want to be a part of their intercourse?

Doug ripped up my shirt and pushed away my bra till my shoulder while Cole did the same with my pants and underwear. The feeling of nakedness never hit so hard. Of course, it was because the actions that were followed weren't with my desires or even pleas; they were merely forced.

Doug started sucking onto my breasts while Cole readied himself. Without giving a warning, Cole inserted his penis in my vagina and Doug never once stopped his activity of sucking.

Pain was the only sensation travelling through my body like a quick and constant electric shock. I screamed, probably higher than I ever could. Every passing second, I only wished it would stop at that moment and they would just leave. I would wake up to remember that it was just a nightmare.

But it didn't.

Doug stopped his action and released my arms. At the point of time, I didn't even have the energy to run. My breath was shallow - as if the next one would be my last. 

Cole moved aside and Doug repeated the same action. Amidst tears and screams, I lost my consciousness. All went black and I closed my eyes.

***

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When I woke up, I wasn't in a safe place or even in the same house, just without them. They were right there on my mother's bed while I was thrown on the ground along with a duvet.

I tried to get up when the already existent feeling of pain rushed in; only this time, it felt as if its amplitude increased by a hundred times. I was stuck in the tumultuous storm of realization and I wasn't going to come out of it any sooner.

I tried to use the duvet to cover my body but my mind had long accepted that no amount of clothes were ever gonna stop making me feel naked. Slow hot tears flowed down my cheeks when the second realization hit me. There was no one around me who would cup my hand on my face and say, "Hey, I'm right here for you."  

In heavy breathing and forced affirmations, I picked myself up trying to make the least possible sound. The duvet fell as I stood. The cold December air rushed through my body reminding of what had happened a few hours ago. With widened eyes and loud voices rushing around in my head I picked up my clothes that were scattered around in the room.

I dressed myself as quickly as my shaky hands could. Just looking at those two men in my mother's bed sent shivers up my spine because my brain just wouldn't stop thinking that any moment, they would be up and repeat that hideous activity again.

I slowly walked up to my room. It was a difficult task. Every step that I took was filled with caution and pain. My inner thighs and my chest just wouldn't stop aching no matter how many times I tried to convince myself that I was gonna runaway!

I took my school bag and stuffed everything I possibly could. I pushed in some clothes and carried some books in my hands. After those five minutes of vigorous stuffing, I looked around in my room and rushed to my nightstand where I had kept my Disney watch. I picked it up and kept staring at its broken exterior. Even if it was broken, it was the purest thing for me. It was the first gift that my Dad had gifted me after his divorce. I only kept staring at it. I just couldn't bring myself to wear it.

I stuffed the watch in the pocket of my jeans and rushed out as quietly as I could.

When I closed the door to the house, I performed the formality of looking at it again. Almost instantaneously, I had a flash back of what had happened. I gripped onto my books tighter and steadied myself. In that moment, I had realized that nothing about the place was home. It was just out of habit that I was trained to call it home.  That place never accepted me, never made me feel loved, never did anything that a home should. It was just another house. 

Home? It had never been one.

*** 

I commenced my walk to God knew where. I had one thing pretty clear in my head that I was going to get out that town. The nearest one was where Dad lived. He had an orphanage there. I could put myself in if they'd accept me. 

It was four in the morning and the December air was just being merciless. I just had a jacket swung around my shoulders and one layer of clothing to protect myself from the cold. But I didn't care. If I were to die in that instant, it would only be a blessing.

If nothing would've happened to me and if everything was normal, it wouldn't take me so long to walk that long stretch of land to my Dad's house. But it wasn't. I faced a huge difficulty in walking. My breath was hitched from the constant crying and the weather wasn't in my favor. Being born in December, winter was kind of my favorite season, but everything had changed. It just couldn't be the same anymore.

There was a long plain road connecting the two adjacent towns. It was dark and lonely. Even though that place was the most abandoned place, I couldn't help looking around. Everything felt unsafe, everyone was dangerous and there was no one who cared about me. 

Solitude is a blessing to most people, but that dusk, I only wished I had someone to talk to. I wished I could stop the incessant repetition of the bygone scene in my head. I wished that my body would stop aching. I wished I would stop crying. I wished I could feel clean again.

At 4:20 I reached the the town and sat on the sidewalk. The tiredness was eating me up. I sat down and rubbed my hands to generate some heat. My tears had made my face cold. I took deep breath to pacify myself and make my breathing more even. 

It's all gone, I told my mind.

And you couldn't do anything, my mind replied without skipping a beat. 

I fit my head between my knees to stop hearing all the voices inside my head but they just wouldn't end. My crying commenced again, only this time I was allowed to scream a bit as my tears fell down. I didn't want to calm myself down; I couldn't.

Suddenly, a car pulled over. I recognized it to be a cop car. A hefty cop walked out from the car.

He bent down to get to my level and said, "Is everything alright?"

The sudden invasion of my privacy made me shudder. At that point, I was afraid of anyone and everyone.

A lady then walked out of the car. She had kind honey eyes but I was just too insecure to talk to anyone. She peacefully sat beside me and I averted my gaze to the ground to prevent eye contact.

"What is your name, girl?"

I decided that if I just answered their questions quickly, they'd leave me alone. "Ashley," I replied.

"Where do you come from?"

I mumbled a random address which turned out to be the exact residential location of my Dad. She nodded as she took in the address. She mumbled it again to herself and told me to get in the car.

I shakily got into the car. My brain was constantly telling me to run away but my feet were frozen. No amount of deep breaths could calm me down. It was all out of my hands.

In the midst of the drive, the lady told me that they were going to the neighboring town for patrol duty. Some drug dealers were found to have stationed themselves there. I could have easily told the names of Cole and Doug but then again, my part of the town was filled with people like them. 

The woman was a chatty one, not in a boring sort of a way. Like an extrovert or someone who can mingle with people easily. I do like people of her sorts, but in that moment, I just wished she'd shut up.

After a few minutes, we reached my Dad's place. The lights were shut off but the house was still bright. It never really stopped giving me the homey feeling. The guy asked me to stay in while they talked to my Dad.

I held my breath. I knew it pretty clear in my head that Dad wouldn't want me with him. I was an abomination. I was already too much of a burden to him, I knew it in my head. I knew he would never say it on my face but he wished I wasn't there. And now that the situations were a million times more complex, he'd kick me out of the house in no time when I would tell him that a few hours ago, I got raped by two men. I was no longer a virgin, I was no longer clean.

All these thoughts were running around in my mind and falling out as hot tears. I considered running away as Dad didn't open the door after the constant ringing of bell in fixed time intervals. Great! He already doesn't want me here. I thought to myself. But what I skipped from my mind was that they were just my assumptions. I hadn't heard Dad's perspective yet.  

I opened up the car door and prepared myself for the escapade. That's when Dad opened the front door. He had a crinkled t-shirt and pajamas. His hair was disheveled messily and his eyes were somewhere between sleepy and awake. When he saw the cops and then me, his eyes were wide open infused with concern and curiosity.

I still had a chance to run away but like earlier, my whole body froze in fear. If someone was to see me, I would have looked like a deer caught in headlights and that was pretty much my state. I gripped the door handle tightly. My books were balanced in one hand and my stuffed school bag was slung over one shoulder. A jacket was covering my skin but the cold had reached far too in to be prevented from anything. My breathing was uneven. I knew something was going to come but even before the something came into my visible zone, my anxiety peaked. Someone had to stop me from thinking all of that! I was scared. I was scared of my own self. Couldn't have felt more like a coward.

The cops and Dad finished their conversation. Dad was still wide eyed when the lady handed me over to him. My hands were shivering. If this was any other scenario, I would've ran into a hug. But something stopped me that time. I felt intimidated of his presence instead of comforted.

Dad hastily kept my books aside and did the same with my bag. He lifted my chin up with the same haste whilst cupping his hand on my face. "Are you alright, Ashley? What happened? What were you doing there? At this time?"

I couldn't hold it any longer. All the walls of insecurities built around me started crumbling down in the form of tears. 

His eyes grew more concerned. I could feel it even if I didn't look directly into them. "What happened?" His voice was almost a whisper.

I shook my head and hugged him tightly, very tightly if I might add. He slowly guided me to the couch feeling the urge to have me ensconced somewhere.

He stayed silent for a while, when I was just crying into his hug - though it was hurting my chest but I needed it - and he was rubbing my back in circles. In the midst of all of it, my t-shirt slipped a bit and he saw a bite mark on my shoulder. He pulled me away from the hug and forced me to look into his eye. I could see it. I could see that he had began forming an image in his mind of what might have happened. His eyes were giving it away. His groggy eyes were wide open and he just wanted to hear a negative to the question he was going to ask.

"What happened?"

But unfortunately, the very thing happened which he wished would have never happened even in his wildest dreams.