Ch. 3     “Guilt is the very nerve of sorrow” -Horace Bushnell

When Alla woke up it was daylight. It was… bright. The weather had been very perplexing lately, it was winter after all.  Although she’d slept through the night and through dinner, she was still quite tired. Sitting up, Alla stretched, yawned, and threw her bare feet over the side of the bed. My bare feet! Godfrey must have noticed when he looked at the fringes of my dress that my feet were bare! She panicked. If Godfrey had any particular thoughts about the situation, he never gave anything away. She didn’t even have an excuse to give if he made inquiries as to her lack of footwear.

Shrugging and deciding she would wait to worry about it until he made inquiries; she stood and stumbled over to the window. She’d never been fond of mornings. How some people could wake up cheery was beyond her. Of course, none of the slaves ever woke up happy. She supposed it was very easy for those who were waited on hand and foot, and had their every whim granted, to wake up smiling. As for Alla, she had developed an aversion to those who were served. Granted, an exception was given to her sister Kate and her brother, Charles, who often jested with her as she served them. They made her feel like a person, although they would never acknowledge her as a relation.

She looked out of the window and up towards the clouds. Seagulls claimed the sky, hovering in different areas, swooping down towards the sea only to change direction at the last possible moment and flying upward. An overwhelming feeling to race up to the deck and watch their performance came over her. She wanted to lose herself in nature.

She turned towards her door at the sound of knocking, and when she opened it, was not the least bit surprised to see Godfrey. Well, she couldn’t really see him, for his face was obscured by the piles of clothing he carried in his arms.

“Godfrey, mum,” he stated, as if that were even necessary.

Alla stepped back from the door, amazed at all of the clothing he carried, and the different colors and styles of the gowns.

“Yes, please come in,” she invited, before closing the door.

“The door must remain open!” Godfrey hastily announced. Alla immediately swung the door open once more. His panicked tone about something seemingly trivial made her fight the urge to laugh. Godfrey walked over to the bed and set the pile on top of it. Turning stiffly towards her, he spoke. “I am not privy to how things are done in the colonies,” he informed her, “but in England, if you desire to keep your reputation intact you must never be in a room alone with a man unless the door is ajar.”

Reputation? I have a reputation? “Yes, I understand. My apologies,” she responded.

Putting her lack of etiquette aside for the moment, he made a sweeping gesture towards the clothes on her bed. “I was able to acquire these gowns and other things for your comfort. Among them you will find some night apparel,” he said as his eyes ran up and down her gown, noting that she had apparently slept in it.

“Thank you,” she responded. Must he be so obvious?

“Would you like to break your fast here or in the dining area?”

Alla would be more at ease in her own quarters; that much was certain. Yet, she couldn’t hide forever. At some point, she would have to be around whites on a regular basis…wouldn’t she? If she was going to be successful at whatever she was doing, it would be imperative for her to be around whites. I’d better start practicing.

“I would like to have breakfast in the dining area.”

Godfrey inclined his head, “very good, mum.” He backed out of the tiny room.

“Godfrey?”

“Yes?” he answered.

“Will you be there?”

Godfrey paused. He inclined his head once more and closed the door as he backed out of the room.

Turning towards the bed, Alla began to rifle through the pile that lay before her. Gowns of different colors, bonnets, night clothes, stockings, petticoats, corsets, and shoes lay before her.  She smiled, overwhelmed by all of the clothes given her. How did he know what shoes would fit me? No matter, even if they don’t fit I’ll wear them. I ain’t-I won’t be particular. After deciding to wear a violet-colored gown that was buried under the pile, she dressed and walked over to the mirror that was bolted on her cabin wall; and stood immobile, not recognizing the woman staring back at her.

Her long wavy black hair flowed softly past her shoulders, framing her face. The deep purple of her gown brought out the stark contrast of her light green eyes. Her lips stretched into a smile, bringing out a small dimple on the left side of her cheek. She was very pleased with the gown, and her hands stroked the rich fabric. Never have I worn such finery. She hoped she could pass. Her skin, although creamy, had slight color to it. Perhaps people would believe her to be a white woman who stayed out in the sun too often. Although white women tended to avoid the sun, prizing their porcelain complexion, Alla hoped to break the mold, claiming that she loved to bask in the sun.

She spun in a full circle, admiring the way her gown flowed and twisted around her legs, and almost immediately felt foolish. Here she was, admiring her apparel when she should really be practicing how to speak and act around these people. Although she was taught perfect English, sometimes she would still slip and fall into the slang that her family spoke. She was around them quite a bit, so falling into their speaking habits was inevitable; and often times she had to concentrate on speaking properly.

Sometimes she felt like a traitor. She stood out from the rest of the slaves, not only in her speech, but also in her appearance. Her family certainly tried to make her feel like she belonged. Secretly, though, she didn’t always feel as if she did; no matter how hard her mama and brother tried to make her feel otherwise. If I mess up, will the English think that I’m merely an uneducated American? She hoped so.

            Three short raps on her door turned her attention from the mirror. After swinging the door open, she wasn’t surprised to see Godfrey standing before her. The only person to ever knock on my door from henceforth on will be Godfrey.

            “I’ve come to escort you to breakfast, mum,” he informed her.

            Alla smiled at him in greeting and accepted his arm. Godfrey, of course, did not return her smile. In fact, she was left wondering if he ever smiled. They walked down the hallway in silence, and once on the top deck, came to another series of stairs which led to a dining area. Enthusiastic voices and the aroma of food attacked Alla’s senses the moment she stepped inside the room. It was quite overwhelming. A pleasant crowd made up of both women and men were gathered at various tables scattered throughout the room, chattering away as the morning sun blasted through the many windows around them.

            Godfrey led her to a table where there sat a very rosy-cheeked robust man who had a monocle attached to his eye; a young blonde woman around Alla’s age, and another attractive older woman in her forties, whom Alla assumed was the wife of the robust man. Godfrey made the introductions for them before pulling out Alla’s chair, and then seating himself. Alla glanced at the older man, instantly taking in his character. The wrinkles around his eyes gave proof that he was a man who loved to laugh. His velvet olive-colored waistcoat was straining to hold in his large paunch and it was held together by one golden button. To Alla, it seemed like the man was expecting a lot from one tiny button. His rosy cheeks could have been from the morning cold or from years of drinking ale. Alla smiled to herself and moved on to his wife. She seemed a very nice lady. Her dark blonde hair was sprinkled with silver at her temples, and her pearl earrings dangled gracefully from her ears as she shook her head at something her husband said.

            The couple introduced themselves as the Crabtrees. Mrs. Crabtree sat between the two men. Her gay laughter floated throughout the room, causing Alla to smile at the sound before she quickly looked at Godfrey. The man still refused to smile, though there was something different about his eyes. She had a feeling that he was thoroughly enjoying the conversation he was involved in. Alla decided that she liked the older couple. Lastly, she moved onto their daughter who she found already staring at her. Taken aback, Alla waited.

            “What think you of me, I wonder?” the girl asked, smiling. Her blue eyes sparkled with laughter and blonde curls framed her face.

            Alla’s cheeks lightly flushed pink. “I am not acquainted with you, miss, and so cannot make a judgment.”

            The girl laughed at Alla; taking her by surprise as she linked arms with her. “Come now,” she said, “look around you. Tis only you and I in this room that are of the same age. We must stick together, you and I,” she confided in a whisper.

            Alla couldn’t help but return the girl’s smile. Her infectious personality was already latching onto her, and it appeared that the trait was exhibited by the entire family.

            “I am Breanne, and you are?” she asked, expectantly.

            “I am Al…Katrina,” Alla quickly corrected herself.

            “I have heard many names before in the colonies, but I have never heard of Alkatrina,” Breanne answered slowly.

            Alla smiled, “I apologize for the confusion. My name is Katrina. I have often been called by my middle name, but Katrina is the name I prefer,” Alla explained. Lies, lies, lies. How much prayer would it take to receive forgiveness for every lie coming out of my mouth?

            “We are finally on our way home,” Breanne confided. “I have little liking for the colonies. I have met some very nice people there though; I meant no offense,” she hastily amended. 

            Alla smiled. “I’ve taken none.  To be honest, there are few people that I have liking for in the colonies, myself.” Truly, you haven’t a clue.

            Breanne looked astonished by this little bit of information. “But, do you not come from the colonies? Do you not have friends and family that you will miss?”

            “I will certainly miss my friends and family,” Alla agreed. “But as for the colonies,” she shook her head. “No…I won’t miss it.” 

            “I see.” Breanne responded. But Alla wondered if she truly did. Confusion was plainly written on Breanne’s face. No doubt she expected an attachment would be formed between a person and their home. Yet, Alla’s predicament prevented her from having or forming any kind of an attachment to a place that allowed such atrocities.

            “Well, I predict that you will fall in love with England,” Breanne declared. “The food is fabulous, the parties are intriguing, and the ton can be horrible, but if you have the proper introductions you shall be all the rave.”

            A dining servant interrupted Breanne’s chatter when he brought their breakfast to them. After they were all served, Alla glanced over at Breanne, intent on correcting her assumptions.

            “It all sounds wonderful,” Alla returned. “However, I really doubt I will be enjoying anything of the kind since I have boarded this ship to meet my new employer.” It was a pity she wouldn’t be around Breanne much, she would have loved to have a confidant.

            “You are a servant?”

            “I do not quite remember what position I shall hold, but I do have an employer.” If Alla could have rolled her eyes at her own ludicrous explanation without being seen, she certainly would have. How could she still not know exactly what she would be doing for employment? Somehow, she would have to weasel it out of Godfrey without sounding like a simpleton; for she was almost positive that this was something she was supposed to know. Knowing Godfrey as she did, acquiring any kind of information from him, without drawing undue attention to her own lack of knowledge, would be quite the task.

            “This being the case,” Alla continued, “I am sure we will move in two completely different circles.”

            Breanne’s stare was quite unnerving. “You certainly don’t speak like a servant,” she acknowledged.

            “I was educated,” Alla informed her. “My last employer did not want a simpleton for a …did not want a simpleton,” Alla finished. She really needed to learn to keep her lies precise. If she gave too much information, she would be caught. For heaven’s sake she almost said what her last position was without knowing Katrina’s actual position.

            “I have never been very accomplished at following the ways of society,” Breanne confided. Then she perked up, “therefore, I predict that we shall be great friends.” She smiled at Alla and nodded. “You shall see, and you shall enjoy the parties as well.”

            When Alla looked at her in confusion, Breanne leaned in with a conspirators smile and whispered, “leave it to me.  So! Who shall your new employer be?”

            She didn’t even know her employer’s name! “I will be employed at Manchester manor.”

            Breanne’s mouth fell open. “Manchester manor?”

             What’s wrong with the place? “Uh, yes, though I must confess, you have me wondering if my employment there is a mistake.”

 Before Breanne could respond, Godfrey interrupted, drawing both girls’ attention. “Employment at Manchester Castle could never be a mistake,” he replied icily. “As long as you do as your employer bids you to do, all shall be fine.”

             The man was positively in a snit. Alla opened her mouth in effort to scramble for an explanation. She tried to come up with anything she could possibly say to appease him, but he immediately turned back to his previous conversation with the Crabtrees. She closed her mouth and looked down at her plate. Perfect. The last thing that she wanted or needed was an adversary.

            “I certainly did not mean to cause disruption between you and …and your friend.” Breanne apologized.

            Alla pasted on a smile. “Please, don’t worry, everything will be fine. I have to ask, though, why you looked so surprised about my employment at the manor.”

            “Tis not your employment that surprises me, it’s-“

            “Come Breanne; let us take a stroll around the deck.” Mrs. Crabtree stood up and was fastening her bonnet as she began walking towards the door. Breanne threw Alla an apologetic glance before standing to join her mother.

            “We shall speak more over dinner,” she whispered quickly, then bounded out of the room, causing her blonde curls to bounce behind her. Alla sighed; finally there was something worthwhile to talk about; something seemingly interesting as well, and now she would have to delay her expectations.

            “Would you like to be escorted back to your quarters?” Godfrey cut into her thoughts.

            Her first instinct was to inform Godfrey that she would like to take a stroll around the deck as well, but thought better of it.

            “I am quite able to escort myself, I thank you for your offe—“

            “Surely you jest!” Mr. Crabtree stated, appalled.

            Alla glanced from Mr. Crabtree to Godfrey whose expression was stony, to say the least. She forced a smile, “I do jest…it’s one of my biggest faults.”

            “There seem to be quite a few of those,” Godfrey announced. Alla chose to ignore that particular comment. Godfrey stood up, bid Mr. Crabtree farewell, and offered his arm to her. Once they’d reached her room, she tried to make amends with him.

            “I meant no offense to our employer earlier,” she told him. “I was caught off guard by Miss Crabtree’s surprise when she heard of my employment at the manor. I did not understand why she was so awe struck.” Alla’s eyes pleaded with his for understanding.

            Godfrey sighed with exasperation. “You must learn to not take heed of every little word that comes forth from the mouths of those with little or no understanding to his grace.”

            “His…grace?” Alla inquired. Her eyes grew large in shock. “You mean to say, my employer will be—.”

At seeing Godfrey’s expression, she clamped her mouth shut. He looked at her as if she had grown two horns atop her head, before fixing her with a calculating stare.

            “Yes. His grace,” he repeated, annoyed. “What did your previous employers tell you as to the circumstances of your employment?”

            “I must admit, I know little of my employer. If my last employer did tell me what my occupation would be, I do not remember it,” Alla said apologetically. The harder she tried to come up with valid excuses to give to Godfrey, the more foolish her explanations became, and the more foolish she felt.

            “Day dreaming I suppose,” he assumed aloud. “You need not know everything about your employer. Only be thankful you have come out of the colonies to stay in England.”

            If Godfrey’s nose lifted any higher into the air, Alla would have been surprised. Are all Englishmen so theatrical? Alla was smiling, but to Godfrey she appeared demure and properly chastised. Her head was bowed and her hands were folded gently in front of her, and so he took pity on her. “Listen closely; for this is the first and last time you shall receive information from me on that which you should already know. You shall be a secretary for his grace.”

            Alla’s head jerked up.

 “I realize that this is out of the ordinary. Men are usually chosen to fulfill this weighty responsibility. You will be given only one chance to prove yourself worthy. His grace has little patience for those who take little or no pride in their duties and those who fail to give their work the proper attention,” he finished, looking pointedly at her.

            “I shall giv—“

            “I am not finished!” Godfrey announced.

            Alla stiffened. She was not fond of people raising their voices to her. Inwardly, she had added “stupid nigger” to the end of his sentence. Would she never be free of her past? “I apologize sir,” she murmured softly.

            Godfrey’s silence caused Alla to finally meet his observant eyes. When he opened his mouth to speak again he was much calmer and quieter.

“I was going to state that you will not only be employed as secretary, but for a part of the day you will have his young son William in your care, and act as governess to him.” Alla hid her surprise, instantly aware that if she expressed too much, he would become annoyed again. She nodded her head once in acknowledgement of his statement.

            Mistaking her silence for confusion, Godfrey continued. “His grace of course employs you as secretary under the strict exception that you shall not divulge that part of your employment to anyone. He also understands that you had been allowed the freedom of attending parties in the colonies. Like your previous employees, he will also grant this privilege to you, provided your conduct holds to the standards of someone in the employ of a duke, and provided you hold fast to your station at the events in question. Now, would you like to be escorted to dinner this eve or to remain in your room?”

            Alla was speechless. She had to mentally remind herself that allowing her mouth to hang open could not possibly be the least bit attractive, and it would make anyone question her senses. She closed her mouth and pondered all of the information she had been given. She would be able to attend parties? How could that be possible? She wouldn’t believe it; she couldn’t until she heard it from her employer. When she finally came out of her stupor and remembered that Godfrey was awaiting her answer to his last question, she answered him. 

            “I would prefer to remain here,” she responded. After Godfrey left the room, Alla walked over to the bed, pushing the pile of clothes to the side and sitting near her pillows. She had planned on joining everyone for dinner and speaking with Breanne again, and had almost forgotten how much she enjoyed having civil and interesting conversations. Godfrey definitely left much to be desired in that particular area, excepting the previous conversation.

Now she knew what had Breanne so awed. It was the fact that Alla would be working for a … “his grace, or duke,” whatever that meant. She knew that it was someone of importance, but that was as far as her knowledge extended. Now she would have to adjust to the new task of taking care of someone, but not just anyone, a young boy, William. That meant that her employer was married.

            Her own reaction towards Godfrey surprised her. How many times had she stood her ground and showed no emotion to nigger this or nigger that? Why was it that with Godfrey that she felt a glimmer of emotion? He didn’t even call her a name. He was upset to be sure, but he was still respectful. So, why did that affect her?  Despite it all, one thing was certain; if she did not occupy her time with something besides sleeping and eating, she would go insane.

            Resting against the headboard, she pulled her necklace out of her gown and rubbed the coin, flipping it over in her hand as she absently stared out of the window. She had eight more days aboard the ship until she would be on dry land again. Until then, she would find something worthwhile to do; she was determined. Tomorrow was a new day, and a day closer to being at her destination. She smiled at that realization. She was going to keep her mind busy from henceforth on. She would not think of where she came from any longer, only where she was headed.