Today is graduation day.

Exams were all over 

and there was really nothing left to worry about

school wise

and in a way

I was relieved 

because there wasn't any more school work 

but I was dreading this day because

Grace

Shane

Ingrid

and Emmie

were all graduating today,

which meant I was being left behind

which meant Daiha wasn't graduating

we were both getting left behind

by the people we cared about most. 

Jax was driving me to the graduation

because I still haven't talked to my parents

since I yelled at my mom in the hospital.

I had already visited Daiha 

and told her that I was going to graduation

even though she couldn't.

I managed to do it without crying

but the panic attacks have only been getting worse.

I felt awful 

because I was going to graduation

to see all of Daiha's friends 

and I guess my friends?

I still wasn't sure

aside from Grace

who I knew was my friend

but I felt awful

because I was going

and Daiha wasn't.

it was supposed to be Daiha graduating

alongside with them

she was supposed to finally break free

from my parents

from this awful place

but instead

she was still lying in the hospital

in a coma...

"we're here"

Jax said,

breaking me from my thoughts,

and I looked up at the big center

where graduation was being held

and had to swallow the lump in my throat.

We walked inside, 

and Jax led me to where his mom 

and Grace's dad were

and I had to think really hard 

about taking even breaths

just so that I wouldn't panic,

because this would be the first time 

I would be meeting their parents. 

They smiled at me

and shook my hand

and I hoped they didn't notice

how much they were shaking.

I hated how crowded the center was

because of how many kids were graduating

but I was glad for the noise

as much as I hated it

because it prevented too much conversation

which I'm not sure I could get through.

Once we found seats

we all sat down,

and I made sure to sit 

on the opposite side of Jax

so if his parents tried to talk to me

they would have to talk over Jax.

I was using him as a shield

but I was too nervous

and shaky

and clammy 

to talk to them

and there was a pit in my stomach

and I was dreading this 

too much.

I didn't want to think about the fact

that after summer

Grace and Shane and Ingrid and Emmie

would all be going to college.

and sure, 

I wasn't really close with Ingrid

and I've barely talked to Emmie

but Ingrid was at least close with Daiha

and Shane....

Shane was protective

and he cared so much

and I'm pretty sure he loves Daiha

even though they haven't said it

because I saw the way he looked at her

when he visited her the other day

and I just

I knew

how could anyone not tell?

He was going to go to a college

less than an hour away

which I guess isn't bad

but what about Daiha?

all the people she cares about

I guess aside from me

won't be there anymore. 

I could feel the tears rising

and I was breathing faster

and with all the people there

and Jax's parents

and Jax

who I'm sure was sick of me breaking down

and all the noise

I stood up suddenly

as the graduation tune began playing

and all I could get out was

"I have to go to the bathroom"

before I rushed out of the big room, 

into the lobby

and out the front doors.

I stumbled across the sidewalk

to a bench in the shade

because the heat only made it worse

and I collapsed onto the bench

putting my head in my hands

I was so sick of these attacks

so tired of them

plaguing me 

I couldn't ever do anything

and maybe I did deserve them

but I couldn't handle them

I was so tired

so exhausted

and I wasn't even sure what to think anymore.

I was so confused too

because all of this God stuff had me wondering

if it was all true

but if it was

wouldn't God have woken Daiha up?

if he really did have a plan

I wasn't sure how keeping Daiha in a coma

would do anything.

I  just didn't want everything

to weigh down on me so much

and I don't think I can be happy 

for Grace or Shane or Ingrid or even Emmie

for them to graduate

because it only meant leaving me behind

and yes 

I had Jax

and he was really trying

he really was

but I've found

that over the week

that even though he's been there for me

it feels like something is missing

aside from my sister of course.

but it's just like there's this hole inside me

and nothing seems to fill it

not Jax

not Grace

not Shane

not school being over

maybe it was my parents?

but even then

if they somehow magically

became the parents that they used to be

I feel like something would still be missing

what is it?

what is this hole inside me?

why do I feel so alone,

even though I have Jax and Grace

and Shane

and even Ingrid and Emmie

if I talked to them.

In a sense I have Daiha

because I tell her everything

and I've taken to writing down everything

letters?

I don't know what to call them

but I write in a journal

and tell her everything

so when she wakes up

she can catch up on everything she missed

if I forget to tell her anything.

I don't know

I just don't know anything

The panic attack has long since passed

but I can't bring myself to go back inside

to celebrate something 

that only makes me think of everyone leaving

and reminds me that Daiha still hasn't woken up yet.

so I sit

and I wait

until someone sits next to me

and I think it's Jax

like it always is

but when I turn my head

to say I'm fine to Jax

I find myself looking at Jax's mom

instead of Jax.

"I know I'm not the person 

you were hoping to see

but I wanted to talk to you."

I wasn't sure what to say in response, 

so I nodded and waited for her 

to start speaking.

"Listen, 

I know about your sister

and I can guess how you're feeling

about this graduation..

I was in a similar situation when I was younger.

and before you say anything, 

yes Grace told me,

but only because she was worried about you

and she knows I went through a similar situation.

Growing up,

my parents were never around,

and I could basically do whatever I wanted

but that's not as great 

as everyone makes it out to be,

right?"

all I could do was shake my head

because I knew about that all too well.

"well I had a little brother

who didn't handle it too well.

He barely talked

and he stopped eating

not that my parents noticed.

I was too busy 

trying not to be home,

spending all my time 

at my friend Quinn's house.

I wasn't as lucky as you though.

One day, 

I came home to find my brother

unconscious

because he had taken every single pill

he could find in the house.

I called 911,

but it was too late

I was too late.

My brother was 14.

He committed suicide,

and all he said in his note

was that we were better off without him

because if he wasn't such a burden

we would be a happy family."

I didn't know what to say...

Her story

it was so similar to mine

but such an unhappy ending.

"I'm telling you this,

because your sister is still alive

and ya know what?

God has a plan,

and you might not see it yet,

but he does.

God loves you

He loves you so much

and He desperately wants you to see that

He is the only one that can fill that hole inside you

and He is the only one that can wake up your sister.

I'm sure that you're wondering why she hasn't woken up yet,

why God hasn't woken her up...

well,

maybe you've been asking God the wrong questions.

Have you asked him to wake her up?

because maybe all that he's waiting for,

is for you to come to him

and to ask him to.

maybe he wants to be invited in

so that he can fix everything.

Delilah,

you don't have to believe any of this,

but I want you to know,

that if you just believe,

that if you just ask God to come in,

if you open that door,

what will come out of it

will be unimaginable

will be so amazing.

If nothing else,

trust me,

sweetie,

trusting God

is the best decision you will ever make."

I still hadn't said a word to her

and I couldn't say anything at all

because everything she said...

was she right?

was God real?

maybe all I had to do was just ask?

______________________________________

A/N

Oh my gosh I am so so so so sorry for going MIA for a few months! I've been so crazy busy and stressed out because of school, but I finally had time to write because we have a break. speaking of the break... Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! I am so thankful for all of your support with these books, I've been reading all your comments, and I am so happy to finally get something out to you! you guys are all amazing, especially those of you who have stuck with this even though it's been months since I last updated. you are all amazing and wonderful people<3

The next update probably won't be until December (sadly) because tomorrow I head up to my grandparents house which does not have wifi and once I get back I have school which will take up my time.... :( but December is when the next break is so I will definitely get something out to you guys! 

I love you all!

Kim, xx